Need "Firm but Nice" Wording Suggestions UPDATE 39

[bopper]

Although I don't know much about Rehearsal Dinners as they are not something that happens in my part of the world, it sounds to me like Marta got carried away and offered to have one without really thinking about the implications, ie., the cost and how many people would be likely to attend.  I would not be attending any Dinner that did not include my siblings, grandparent etc., and I would get DF to inform Marta of that fact.  I think you should try to keep out of the negotiations with Marta as much as possible, don't forget she's going to be the MIL shortly.  I think in your current situation I'd get DF to offer Marta an out, tell her you will arrange something so she doesn't have to get all stressed out about it, but that you would both accept a contribution  to the costs involved.  The part about only inviting her family strikes me as a handy opportunity for a family get together, for her family only.

In the USA, it is typical for the groom's parents to host the rehearsal dinner. It typically includes the wedding party and perhaps the immediate family of the B&G and perhaps some out of town guests.  However, it is also not supposed to be a second reception.

[johelenc1]

I wouldn't give the IL's any more chances by way of a "firm" date or more lists. 5 weeks is really soon.  If you want a restaurant or any kind of venue, you need to plan it right now.  I would just take over.

Fiance can tell his parents, "hey mom and dad, since you haven't any firm plans, we've decided to go ahead and plan the rehearsal dinner.  We have already booked ..."

I would make sure you already have definite plans lined up so they can't, "oh, but we were planning on doing it tomorrow...".  If they fuss and say they really wanted to do it, fiance can say, "great, we'd love to have you help.  Would you like to do X or Y?"

But, you really must take control over this or it will completely stress you out - and that's really not fair since it's a stress that really doesn't have to occur.

You probably should plan something you can pay for, even if it's hotdogs and hamburgers at your house - or apartment club house (I've been to several of these and they are a great relaxing fun evening.)  If the IL's want to contribute, great.  If not, you can cover it.

[cheyne]

I agree with PP's who have said that 5 weeks is pretty short and the time to do this is now.  No more chances for your IL's.  They have had since early October to do this-two months down the line and nothing is done?  If you want any rehearsal dinner at all I would be planning it now. 

Begin as you mean to go on isn't just about boundaries.  It's also about expectations you have about others keeping their word.

[Margo]

I think this needs to come from Lukas as these are his parents.

I would suggest that he speaks to them and says "It was so generous of you to offer to host the party, however, as there are many people who are travelling from out of town, and who will need firm information to finalize their travel plans, we do need a definite place and time to be fixed without any more delay. I know we gave you a list on [date] of the essential people who need to be there, can you confirm to me by [short deadline] when and where the dinner will be, and whether you have contacted everyone on the lsit to invite them or whether you'd like us to help with that.

I know that things can get more expensive that originally planned and if you're worried about the costs, or are finding it difficult to sort this out, please let us know, and we will make the practical arrangements."

Given the comments you've made about not inviting your grandparents etc I think it is also OK in this instance for him to add "We were a bit worried when you suggested not inviting Lisen's siblings / grandparents - it's really important to us that they are there, just as it's important to us that [his grandparents / siblings] are there  -  that's on of the reasons why it's really important that we finalize the arrangements now , to make sure they fit with the travel plans of the really important guests, such as Lisen's parents and grandparents, who are coming from a distance."

He can then reiterate that you and he are happy to plan the dinner yourselves if they don't feel that they can do it in the time you need, or including the people who are importantt to you both.

[Mikayla]

OP, does your DH communicate with his parents by email?  If you're reluctant to have him handle this for some reason, would it work for you to write it and have him send it?  I think the approach should be to leave the final decision to them, but present it in a way that makes it easy for them to opt out.

Something like:  Mom and Dad, I appreciate your offer to host our rehearsal dinner, but we're at the point where something needs to be committed to and defined.  There are 2 remaining issues that need addressing.  First, both Lisen and I are very uncomfortable with not including her sibs and her grandmother at the dinner.  They need to be invited.

Secondly, we're being asked about arrangements by out of town people who need to make travel plans.  We're too close to the wedding to not have answers for them.

We are more than happy to take this off your shoulders if it's too much right now, given the busy holiday season.  If you still want to host it, this is great, but you're putting me in the awkward position of having to submit a deadline for final arrangements.  We're spinning our wheels too much on it right now, and I don't want this to cause a problem between us.

So please let me know.  If you can invite Lisen's sibs and grandma, AND if you can get your arrangements completed by (insert date/time), this is great.  Otherwise, it will be easier on everyone if we just take charge of it ourselves.   Love, (his name)

Edited to fix names

[Eden]

So there is no guest list, no time, no decision about the meal, except that they want to have a "big party" but not pay much, so they asked "Would it be okay to not include your siblings if they're not in the wedding?"

These are the opportunities you need to seize in the future. She asked. You answer honestly. "No, I'm afraid that won't work. I'd like to have the details pinned down by such and such date with the guest list I provided."

As it is now, I agree that you and your DH need to agree on this and he needs to communicate to his parents. "We appreciate you offering to host, but as you cannot accommodate the guest list , we are going to host the event ourselves so we are sure we can include everyone we'd like to include." If they protest that they will include your original guest list, that's when I'd say that's fine, but getting finalized plans also seems to be a problem so you will just handle it yourselves.

[bopper]

As it is now, I agree that you and your DH need to agree on this and he needs to communicate to his parents. "We appreciate you offering to host, but as you cannot accommodate the guest list , we are going to host the event ourselves so we are sure we can include everyone we'd like to include." If they protest that they will include your original guest list, that's when I'd say that's fine, but getting finalized plans also seems to be a problem so you will just handle it yourselves.

The problem with this is that there is no predefined guest list.  The hosts (ILs) define the guest list with the wedding party being the minimum set of people on that list. 

[Eden]

As it is now, I agree that you and your DH need to agree on this and he needs to communicate to his parents. "We appreciate you offering to host, but as you cannot accommodate the guest list , we are going to host the event ourselves so we are sure we can include everyone we'd like to include." If they protest that they will include your original guest list, that's when I'd say that's fine, but getting finalized plans also seems to be a problem so you will just handle it yourselves.

The problem with this is that there is no predefined guest list.  The hosts (ILs) define the guest list with the wedding party being the minimum set of people on that list.

The OP said she had provided her guest list to her FMIL and it was after that that FMIL tried to trim the fat so to speak, which is not fair. And in particular it is not fair that the hosts seem to be stacking the list with  people from their side of the family and leaving out very close members of the OP's family.

[Biker Granny]

I was just thinking....if MIL decides to go with the lunch, B&G can then arrange a dinner with just her family after the actual rehearsal.

OP...you should call a meeting with all involved and have a real sit down discussion about it.  If at the end of the meeting, you don't have a firm answer or a good feeling about it, tell MIL that you will take this burden off her shoulders and do the planning yourself.  Then ask her for her input.

I had a BBQ at my house after rehearsal with both sides family, out of town guests, attendents and their spouses.

[lisen]

Hi All-

I had a chat with Marta on the telephone yesterday. I had to do a bit of damage control. Apparently Lukas broached the subject as "Lisen says that if you can't give her all the details about the rehearsal by Wednesday, she's going to do it herself." Marta got very upset and called me very angry.

We had a long chat, in which I expressed my deepest feeling about the issues, which was that I felt that she was not keeping her word to me. I explained that she told me that she would do something three months ago and the fact that she has not done anything means that I think she does not keep her word and that she has essentially lied to me. I explained I didn't care whether there was a party in her home with crackers and cheese or a catered meal in a restaurant, but that I wanted her to honour her promise to plan something. If she felt that she couldn't plan something, I would.

Marta apologised for making me feel that way and promised that she would have plans by Friday. Apparently she's waiting to hear if her mother-in-law "would prefer to have a party catered at home or would prefer to go out". I really think that it is unreasonable to make so many people wait just to satisfy a grandparent, and I think it shows that she is more interested in the scheduling of her family than of my family, but at least I know that I have been promised an answer by Friday. If on Friday I do not hear anything, then I will be disappointed that she has broken her word again and I will feel blameless in taking control of the event.

[Really?]

Lisen good for you for standing up. Follow through and let us know how things go.

[Shoo]

Did you insist that your family be included?

[jedikaiti]

Did you insist that your family be included?

I was just about to ask that.

And who cares what one grandparent wants - if they're not footing the bill, they really don't get much say in the matter.

[Lynn2000]

Yes, good for you. I think you should be prepared to implement your own plan if she doesn't follow through by Friday, or if she doesn't have a plan that works for you (including everyone important to you, for example).

Also I would have a chat with Lukas about throwing you under the bus! Sometimes the words just come out awkwardly, but maybe for the future you guys can practice what to say so you aren't subjected to calls from angry in-laws.

[gmatoy]

Yes, I think this was a classic case of throwing your partner under the bus!