Tell? Don't Tell? What Is The Etiquette? AWFUL UPDATE #78

[CharlieBraun]

Yes, it's shock.

Does Friend have any contact with Cousin's parents?  Yes, Cousin is a grown woman but she is in tremendous pain and shock, and trust me - her cheating husband is working Cousin over, but good, to twist what has happened.  If Friend knows Cousin's parents, or sister, or brother, then Friend might consider a quick email or FB private message stating that "I was at Cousin's earlier this week, and she may need to hear from you."

Cousin's husband may be intercepting Friend's messages as well.

I believe that I predicted that Friend would get the "blame" for ruining their marriage/Xmas/life, and that's what happened.  It may or may not be a permanent "blame."

I think that one more FB/email/other way to communicate, saying "I will always be here for you, and I love you" from Friend to Cousin is about as far as she can go.

Bless your friend and bless her cousin.

[Lynn2000]

Friend definitely did nothing wrong. I'm glad she told Cousin what she saw.

I second the suggestion of discreetly calling another friend or relative of Cousin and asking them to check on her, not mentioning why but just that "she seemed down lately" or something--if her money troubles are well-known in her circle they might assume it's entirely related to that. I think Friend should leave Cousin alone for a few days (no messages), but having a more neutral party check on her would alleviate Friend's reasonable concern about Cousin's safety and emotional turmoil.

Mikayla, interesting perspective. I do think you have a point, but for right now, I would advise Friend to try and remain on Cousin's "side," and not angry at her, especially as this all happened so recently. If Cousin calms down, gets some perspective, realizes Friend was trying to help her and all that, she should definitely apologize to Friend for what she said. I would hope that happens soon; if not, it may mean Cousin has decided to sever their relationship anyway.

I wonder what prompted Husband to come home early? Was it just coincidence, or did he somehow know Friend was going to be there? Also, it seems like he did not offer his wife a preemptive explanation of the restaurant events, or surely she would have mentioned it...

[LeveeWoman]

Yes, it's shock.

Does Friend have any contact with Cousin's parents?  Yes, Cousin is a grown woman but she is in tremendous pain and shock, and trust me - her cheating husband is working Cousin over, but good, to twist what has happened.  If Friend knows Cousin's parents, or sister, or brother, then Friend might consider a quick email or FB private message stating that "I was at Cousin's earlier this week, and she may need to hear from you."

Cousin's husband may be intercepting Friend's messages as well.

I believe that I predicted that Friend would get the "blame" for ruining their marriage/Xmas/life, and that's what happened.  It may or may not be a permanent "blame."

I think that one more FB/email/other way to communicate, saying "I will always be here for you, and I love you" from Friend to Cousin is about as far as she can go.

Bless your friend and bless her cousin.

And he might be spinning all kinds of lies and fantasies about what Friend saw.

[Outdoor Girl]

Your poor friend.  I can understand cousin's reaction and why she doesn't want to talk to friend right now but it doesn't excuse causing the hurt your friend must feel.

I think I would send one more text, email and/or voice mail.  Something along the lines of, 'I know you are very upset right now.  Please know that I am here for you.  I won't contact you again until I hear from you.'  But if that contact doesn't include a big, old apology from cousin, I think I would be letting the relationship cool once the crisis was over.

I wouldn't drive over there without knowing whether or not the husband was home.  I'd be worried about my physical safety around the husband.

[TurtleDove]

I believe that I predicted that Friend would get the "blame" for ruining their marriage/Xmas/life, and that's what happened.  It may or may not be a permanent "blame."

Under no circumstances should Friend accept the misplaced blame.  Any sane person can see that, and anyone who blames Friend is, IMHO, insane, either always or temporarily. So their opinoins should be disregarded by Friend.

[missknowledge]

This is a case of Kill The Messenger.   I have friends that were in the same circumstances once, and after one friend worked out her problems with her man, she cut off the friend who told her she had busted him with someone else.

[SoCalVal]

It's only been two days.  I wouldn't think it okay for Friend to be upset with Cousin at this point.  Again, it has only been two days.  I don't think I'd be done with the shock of learning my husband is cheating on me, especially when realizing that *I* will be the one out of a job so my options would be limited should I choose to leave him or really upsetting should I choose to stay.  I couldn't imagine feeling normal again after two days (and, as PPs have said, I expect he's also working over Cousin as much as possible and making Friend out to be the villain -- yes, a leap, but given his reaction in the restaurant and in person, I'm going to make that leap).

I don't know what Friend's best course of action would be at this point, but I don't think get angry at Cousin would be it.  I'm thinking give Cousin some more time to digest (I don't know how long as I've never been in this situation on either side).  This info is essentially the death of Cousin's marriage as she's known it, and she really still needs more than two days to figure it out.

[Danika]

I feel bad for Friend. There was no way to win in this situation. She did the right thing by telling. If Cousin wants to stick her head in the sand and stand by FingerLicker (didn't want to call him "Cheater" since all we know he did was finger licking) then it's unfortunate that Friend is getting the brunt of the anger.

I'm glad to hear Mikayla's perspective because I kind of felt the same way, however, fortunately, I have never been the bearer or recipient of such news so I couldn't say how long would be typical of someone to still be blaming the messenger. Mikayla, I'm sorry to hear you were in Cousin's shoes ever, much less twice. Hugs.

[TurtleDove]

If Cousin wants to stick her head in the sand and stand by FingerLicker (didn't want to call him "Cheater" since all we know he did was finger licking) then it's unfortunate that Friend is getting the brunt of the anger.

I would consider what we know he did to absolutely be cheating, especially given his reaction to being caught.  If the husband had just cheated, I would say the Cousin might have some reason to perhaps try to work through this.  But the threats to Friend and his general demeanor that we know about makes me afraid for Cousin so even if he had never cheated, I would hope she gets out.

[onyonryngs]

If Cousin wants to stick her head in the sand and stand by FingerLicker (didn't want to call him "Cheater" since all we know he did was finger licking) then it's unfortunate that Friend is getting the brunt of the anger.

I would consider what we know he did to absolutely be cheating, especially given his reaction to being caught.  If the husband had just cheated, I would say the Cousin might have some reason to perhaps try to work through this.  But the threats to Friend and his general demeanor that we know about makes me afraid for Cousin so even if he had never cheated, I would hope she gets out.

I agree.  And I consider a date with another woman to be cheating when the man in question is married.

[TurtleDove]

I agree.  And I consider a date with another woman to be cheating when the man in question is married.

Yep.  For my job I have lunch with married men frequently, and am seen in public with men not my SO.  Never has it ever been a question of whether we were on a "date" should we see anyone we knew.  There is no physical contact, and introductions are always made with no need to lead anyone to believe there is anything untoward going on.  Here, everything about the husband's actions screams infidelity and immaturity.

[Shoo]

I think the husband got to her.  By that I mean he has lied to her and has turned her against her cousin.  He is now sequestering her to keep her from speaking to the person who outed him.

Cousin is now being isolated.

[jedikaiti]

This won't be popular, but I feel so strongly I'm willing to take the hits.  I think Friend should be angry at Cousin. 

I guess we all pull from life experience for this, but I've been "Cousin" twice in my life (ouch) and Friend at least 5 times.  Never has anyone reacted this way to someone who had been "like a sister".  The closest was one person telling me to get out, but she called later that night to apologize.

I don't think it's ok to treat someone like this, and if I was Friend, I'd stop contacting Cousin.  And then if/when Cousin initiates contact, I'd make it clear that her actions were very hurtful. 

I guess I believe that just because someone is under stress doesn't give them the right to spread the stress around.

I agree.  I think a moment of shock is one thing.  Stretching this out for days in anger toward Friend is another.  It's "understandable" that Cousin is upset and angry, but as an adult she should learn to channel her anger and use it to productively move forward.

Everyone deals with shock in their own way, on their own timeline. Maybe she just doesn't want to deal with reminders of the situation, including talking to the person who "busted" Husband.

Friend has left messages for Cousin (where, BTW? Could Husband have deleted them?), so Cousin knows Friend is there for her. Friend now needs to back off and let Cousin make the next move.

[LeveeWoman]

I think the husband got to her.  By that I mean he has lied to her and has turned her against her cousin.  He is now sequestering her to keep her from speaking to the person who outed him.

Cousin is now being isolated.

I predicted as much.

[Danika]

If Cousin wants to stick her head in the sand and stand by FingerLicker (didn't want to call him "Cheater" since all we know he did was finger licking) then it's unfortunate that Friend is getting the brunt of the anger.

I would consider what we know he did to absolutely be cheating, especially given his reaction to being caught.  If the husband had just cheated, I would say the Cousin might have some reason to perhaps try to work through this.  But the threats to Friend and his general demeanor that we know about makes me afraid for Cousin so even if he had never cheated, I would hope she gets out.

True. He does sound very aggressive.