Tell? Don't Tell? What Is The Etiquette? AWFUL UPDATE #78

[KarenK]

I'd go the opposite way. I would say I had an uncomfortable encounter with Jim when I saw him dining with another woman and feeding her by hand, only to have him come over and warn me not to say anything.

Don't mean to pile on, but I agree as well. There is no alternate explanation for what she saw, and CH confirmed it when he came over to speak to her.

Ordinarily, I'm a fan of staying out of things, but if it's one of my brothers' wives/girlfriends, or someone who is like a sister or brother to me, I'd have to tell.

However, she should be aware that her cousin may not believe her.

[TurtleDove]

Agreed with Sharnita et al - just tell the truth and let cousin draw her own conclusions.  Do it soon.  If CH had nothing to hide, he would have introduced the woman to the OP's friend. 

[Amava]

My goodness, what a creep!!
The way he said "shhhhh"... oh man he squicks me out. He really thinks he's in charge, doesn't he!

I would tell my cousin literally what I saw, in an as neutral as possible way (so not in the way I did above - those were my private thoughts that I would keep private).

Normally if I saw two people looking like a couple who were not supposed to /be/ a couple because one of the both were taken, I would mind my own business. There are however two factors here that would cause me to speak up:
- if my cousin is so close to me she's like a best friend
- the way he tried to "control" ME by that "shhhhh". Try to pull that sort of controlling stuff on me and you will get the complete opposite of what you are /trying/ to intimidate me into doing: every. time. I am like a cat that way. Do not try to give me orders if you are not in a position to do so.


Also this has nothing to do with etiquette. Well he has dreadful etiquette showing off his "belle" in public when he is married, and "shhh"-ing people like that. But whether you tell or not tell is a matter of friendship not etiquette.

[Shopaholic]

If CH had nothing to hide, he would have introduced the woman to the OP's friend.

The way I read it, not only did he not seem ashamed at being caught, it seems as if he has some pride in the whole incident.

Definitely tell the cousin.

I also agree that this is not an etiquette issue, but a friendship one.

[onyonryngs]

I'd go the opposite way. I would say I had an uncomfortable encounter with Jim when I saw him dining with another woman and feeding her by hand, only to have him come over and warn me not to say anything.

This.  I would give her the full story as soon as possible.

[Outdoor Girl]

Another vote for telling the cousin, in a calm, factual manner.  The cousin is very likely to withdraw from your friend, at least for a little while, to allow her to process the information.

Honestly, I think it would have been better for your friend to call her cousin right away, before the husband had a chance to make up any story.  He knows he's busted now and will be scrambling to come up with any plausible explanation for his behaviour to make your friend appear to be the one that is lying.

OP, are you willing to confirm what your friend saw?  If so, maybe let your friend know that she can give her cousin your number and if she'd like to talk to you, she can.

[weeblewobble]

Frankly I'd be pretty ticked off about the "shhhhing" and the menacing and I'd be worried about he's treating my cousin.  I would call her and give her the cold hard facts and mention the menacing behaviors.  I would tell her I'm worried about this incident and how it reflects on CH and if she ever needs anything, to give me a call and I will be there in a jiffy. (With one of those pepper spray cannon things they use on bears.)  Make it more about her needs than her jerky, creepy husband.

[weeblewobble]

l that sort of controlling stuff on me and you will get the complete opposite of what you are /trying/ to intimidate me into doing: every. time. I am like a cat that way. Do not try to give me orders if you are not in a position to do so.

Exactly.   A college roommate's boyfriend tried this on me when he and my roommate wanted me out of the room so they could engage in Scrabble.  If anything, I dug my heels in an spent MORE time in the room I paid good money to occupy.  Do not try to physically intimidate me when I stand half foot taller than you.  It will not work.

[Dorrie78]

Definitely tell cousin exactly what you saw. Don't try to analyze it - but be very factual. CH made you a part of the situation by his threatening behavior. There may be a little bit of wiggle room if he had just left the restaurant when he saw you, but by approaching you and "demanding" that you act in a certain way, all wiggle room is gone. Tell cousin.

ETA - I don't actually think this is an etiquette issue, by the way. I don't think etiquette dictates what you do here. This is a rel@tionship issue.

[Amava]

Also, I will never, never understand why people who want to have a /secret/ relationship go out in public together, much less why they engage in public exchanges that cannot be explained in an innocent way. (For example: him being there with her, could be anything, friend, co-worker. But the whole feeding her etc, what the heck? WHY?)

I think I have written that (or meant to post it, I often start to write but then never post) in one of the recent threads about a celeb who was cheating, too.
Whether you're a celeb or an average-joe, if you don't want something to be publically known, why show it in public??

Is it because they /want/ to be caught? Or is it because they feel overly courageous like nothing "unfortunate", like "being seen by someone who knows them", could possibly happen in their mind?

It boggles me.

[cookiehappy]

Thank you to all.  I am going to speak with my friend at lunchtime today.  I will relay the responses I received here and she can do what she feels is best.  I am in agreement that she should say something and say it soon.

[cookiehappy]

Is it because they /want/ to be caught? Or is it because they feel overly courageous like nothing "unfortunate", like "being seen by someone who knows them", could possibly happen in their mind?

I was thinking that last night as well.  Perhaps he thought since he lived an hour away, what are the chances.  But he knows his wife's cousin lives here, why take that chance.  But he seemed arrogant, so perhaps he really didn't care.  It's just an awful situation.

[jibby]

I agree with Sharnita's suggestion, especially given his obnoxious "shhh" behavior.  I admire your friend for the way she spoke to him at the time.  She didn't make a scene, but she did call him out.  The only thing better would have been pulling out a phone and recording his interaction with the other woman. 

[bloo]

I'd go the opposite way. I would say I had an uncomfortable encounter with Jim when I saw him dining with another woman and feeding her by hand, only to have him come over and warn me not to say anything.

Yes. This is what I would do. Speak exactly as you saw. Add nothing. Don't speculate to her. The situation as described speaks clearly for itself. Act affronted that CH expects you to keep silent.

[QueenfaninCA]

I'd tell the cousin. Especially because of the way CH treated your friend.