Tell? Don't Tell? What Is The Etiquette? AWFUL UPDATE #78

[DavidH]

I think Sharnita had the right idea.  Just a basic description of that you saw.  She can draw her own conclusions.  I think the time to say something is a soon as possible. After some point, it seems less reasonable to have that type of conversation.

[Tiamet]

I suspect it may already be too late - the delay will have given the husband time to come up with an excuse.

The OP's friend needs to be prepared for a 'shoot the messager' scenario.  However, I still think she needs to say something.

[O'Dell]

I have a strict policy of not getting involved in a couple's business and that includes if one seems to be cheating. But in this case...I agree Sharnita nailed it. Your friend should tell. His trying to intimidate her pushes it over the top. What a dirtbag!

[dawbs]

The only thing I'd add is to have a plan if it gets turned around back on her.

Because...I'm assuming husband isn't a complete idiot and I can picture "Husband SAID he was alone in a bar and that you  were drunk and hit on him and said you ddo this if he turned you down!"/"husband said he was planning a surprise party w/ my BFF and that you were trying to ruin it"/etc.

Cousin shouldn't believe tis but..when you simply have the word of your husband/man you love vs. the word of your cousin who is like a sister...there are not good choices.  Someone has to be lying and she won't be able to kow which one..

[sparksals]

I would tell and follow Sharnita's method exactly.

[cookiehappy]

I spoke with my friend over lunch.  She was talking like a rushing river, so I just let her vent.  Friend made up her mind to call this morning and tell cousin all about last night.  But she never got the chance.  Cousin started in on how her employer will be shuttering their doors right before Christmas or shortly after the new year.  She complained that she and CH are deeply in debt.  Cousin was nearly inconsolable saying how the future seemed bleak.  So, friend said she lost all nerve to tell her right then.  And she doesn’t know when would be a time to tell her, what with her job and all.

I told friend there will never be a “good” time to tell her, but she needs to know.  Friend feels she would be dogpiling on her cousin dropping more bad news.  I’m at a loss here.  I truly did not know what else to say.  We parted ways at lunch with her saying she needs to think about this.

[rashea]

I'd tell her now. Because when she loses her job, she needs to not be supporting him anymore. If she has the information, she can make a decision about whether or not she should stay with him through this crisis.

[Mikayla]

I'm in Camp Tell-Her, so I'm only thinking about one side of the equation.  But what if you asked friend if *she* would want someone very close to her to let her know the truth if she was in a similar circumstance?   Most would say yes.  In fact, they'd say they expect to be told, as part of "girl code", or whatnot. 

The fact that they have huge debt problems is probably irrelevant from an etiquette standpoint, but this may make it even more important for her to have full disclosure before figuring out what to do next.

[Slartibartfast]

She should call her again.  "I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles!  I actually called you before because I ran into your DH the other night and it really rubbed me the wrong way.  He was with some woman and they were obviously NOT "just friends," and when he saw me he told me not to tell you about it.  What you do with this information is up to you, of course, but it pissed me off that he thought I would lie to you about what I saw."

[LeveeWoman]

Don't be surprised if he tries to head this off by telling a lie to his wife.

[onyonryngs]

I'd keep trying to get your friend to tell her.  You never know, it may be bleak, but her financial situation might be better without him and this could be the catalyst to make the break.  I'd want to know now, with the rest of the bad stuff, rather than when things start to look better again & then get whacked with another blow.

[Erich L-ster]

I think she should tell. It's not as if she found out in some roundabout way that would make it questionable. They were out in public having physical contact. That removes any question. If cousin doesn't tell after that, she is complicit in the deceit.

[Deetee]

Because this is so firmly in the "tell" category, the friend will likely find out that cousin knows anyway. So it willl be worse if she doesn't tell.

[SiotehCat]

I also think that cousin should be told.

I would worry about the possibility of her husband getting his ducks in a row before he leaves her. Then she's dropped without any warning, on top of all the other problems that she is having also.

This way, she at least knows what she's dealing with.

[JeanFromBNA]

Is it possible for your friend to get another person who is a close friend of Cousin, and tell her in person?  I wouldn't go to Cousin's home, for obvious reasons.  But the tangible, personal support may be helpful. 

She needs to know, and soon.  Goodness knows what he might be doing with their money.