Tell? Don't Tell? What Is The Etiquette? AWFUL UPDATE #78

[sweetonsno]

I'm in camp tell. Your friend does need to relay this sad news, which is an unfortunate task. Sharnita and Slartibartfast have great ways of wording this.

If CH hadn't been such a jerk at the restaurant (say, he'd shown a bit of remorse or had made even the slightest effort to bungle an excuse), I would suggest that your friend give him a deadline to tell C himself. However, he was a jerk, so he doesn't get the chance to do that.

[Danika]

I think your friend needs to tell Cousin, ASAP. Then, Cousin can decide to sell the house, move across the country, or make other decisions on her own that she might not normally make because she'd be taking her husband's feelings and wishes into account.

[bloo]

Might I also add that this is not a 'phone call' conversation. If at all possible can she do it face-to-face? I agree, despite the update, TELL.

[wolfie]

Perhaps her debt situation wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't spending money on the other woman?

I think it is important to tell her now - she is going to be making big decisions soon and she might make different ones if she knew about her husband.

[Softly Spoken]

I spoke with my friend over lunch.  She was talking like a rushing river, so I just let her vent.  Friend made up her mind to call this morning and tell cousin all about last night.  But she never got the chance.  Cousin started in on how her employer will be shuttering their doors right before Christmas or shortly after the new year.  She complained that she and CH are deeply in debt.  Cousin was nearly inconsolable saying how the future seemed bleak.  So, friend said she lost all nerve to tell her right then.  And she doesn’t know when would be a time to tell her, what with her job and all.

I told friend there will never be a “good” time to tell her, but she needs to know.  Friend feels she would be dogpiling on her cousin dropping more bad news.  I’m at a loss here.  I truly did not know what else to say.  We parted ways at lunch with her saying she needs to think about this.

Wow talk about when it rains
...the problem is if this comes to light another way, and Cousin finds out your Friend knew it will be "Why didn't you tell me? " I think Cousin will feel more betrayed (on top of CH betrayal) that her friend didn't warn her. No one wants to hear bad news but often they need to hear it - and I think Slartibartfast's suggestion was great - if Friend comes from a place of love and concern then she can hopefully not make Cousin feel defensive of herself and her husband's relationship.

Here's hoping things work out...one way or another!

[nuit93]

I'm also in the camp of "tell".  It would be worse if she knew you knew and didn't say anything, I think.

[BarensMom]

Perhaps her debt situation wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't spending money on the other woman?

I think it is important to tell her now - she is going to be making big decisions soon and she might make different ones if she knew about her husband.

I would point out to friend that Cousin needs to know, so she could make wise decisions regarding her severance/unemployment monies.  For example, on a divorce attorney.

[LifeOnPluto]

I'm also in the camp that says "Tell Her".

I'd keep things as factual as possible. For example, rather than say "Your husband is having an affair!" I'd tell her "I saw your husband holding hands with another woman in XYZ restaurant last Saturday at 8pm."

As PPs have said, your friend should be prepared for the fact that her cousin's husband may have already told her cousin a pack of lies (eg that your friend hit on him or something) so she may not believe your friend. But I still think something needs to be said.

[gen xer]

I'll be the rogue here and say if you're going to say anything....say something to the cousin's husband and see what he plans to do about it. 
I know this won't be popular but I am a pretty strict "don't tell" kind of person although this jerk's threatening demeanour almost makes me sway the other way.  Almost.
I say this because there was a time I was "outed" by a coworker of my first husband's who saw me out for lunch with my.....wait for it.....brother.  Even gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek ( not the same as  errr....finger licking I know ) nonetheless.....word got back in that smallish town and a violent man got very .....violent.  All because some self-appointed morals police busybody just had open their trap.  It could have been a lot worse.
I am not trying to defend this guy....but know you could really be opening a big Pandora's Box taht you can't shut....and there is the potential taht she could resent you for bringing it up.

[Sharnita]

She did speak to him. He did not respond in a cooperative or open manner. I think that obligation has been met.

[gen xer]

She did speak to him. He did not respond in a cooperative or open manner. I think that obligation has been met.

Speaking to him when you are caught off guard is not the same as a well-thought out conversation where you have had a chance to gather your thoughts.   She owes him nothing of course.....but still....charging into something on behalf of others can be one of those "road to hell is paved with good intentions" kind of thing. 

[Yankeegal77]

Oh, wow. Poor cousin.

Honestly, I feel that she needed to be told already, other issues aside. And another poster beat me to it-this is an in-person conversation. Chances are, her jerk of a husband already has told her some lie. His demeanor kinda freaked me out even from here. To address the etiquette and moral aspects, here are my points:

1. Your friend should do this in person. Over the phone means well, but from an etiquette standpoint, this just seems more polite.

2. Have her invite cousin to *her* house, or to a middle area, so it's neutral ground. Being told in her own home, where CH is "present" even if he is not there might lead to her defending him. Either way, the messenger should be prepared to be shot., at least initially.

3. She should stay calm and reassuring and be prepared with a back-up plan. What will cousin do, or go, are questions that might come up.

4. Chances are, this creep will wait until she is most vulnerable and then leave, or spill this. At least NOW, she has options. As another PP said, she can take a job out of state, sell the house, what have you--in short, she can think of *her* needs, not the couple's needs.

5. Finally, she might need back-up if she decides to leave. This guy sounds like a potential abusive jerk, with his menacing attitude towards your friend. Or he might try to manipulate her into staying. Either way, she will need help--even the strongest of women need a little additional steel for their spines sometimes.

Best of luck to all of you and please update!

[BarensMom]

She did speak to him. He did not respond in a cooperative or open manner. I think that obligation has been met.

Speaking to him when you are caught off guard is not the same as a well-thought out conversation where you have had a chance to gather your thoughts.   She owes him nothing of course.....but still....charging into something on behalf of others can be one of those "road to hell is paved with good intentions" kind of thing.

When OP's friend spoke to him, he replied in an intimidating and possibly threatening manner.  I wouldn't blame the friend for not wanting to have that conversation with the CH.  She needs to tell her cousin and, if necessary, ask the OP to corroborate what happened.  The fact of the OP having witnessed the incident, would be able to counteract any lie the CH told his wife.

[Danika]

OP, I obviously don't know your friend or her cousin, but if Cousin doubts Friend's story because it's easier to shoot the messenger than accept that you might be being betrayed by your husband, would you be willing to step up as a witness to the finger-licking that you saw? Something to mull over before you are in the situation to be asked to validate Friend's accusations.

I say this because there was a time I was "outed" by a coworker of my first husband's who saw me out for lunch with my.....wait for it.....brother.  Even gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek ( not the same as  errr....finger licking I know ) nonetheless.....word got back in that smallish town and a violent man got very .....violent.  All because some self-appointed morals police busybody just had open their trap.  It could have been a lot worse.

Yikes! I'm very sorry to hear that.

I work in a male-dominated field. I am often the only female in a group of male coworkers who go out to lunch. I very rarely go to lunch with only one other coworker, and prefer to stick to groups because of this. But once, enough people in the group bailed at the last minute because of deadlines and such that I ended up at lunch with only one other coworker, and he was my age (I only mention this because it didn't look like I was out with my father or boss or something).

We were eating and I noticed that a few tables over, my next door neighbor was eating lunch with his coworkers. He saw me and looked really shocked and uncertain. I immediately figured he was concerned that I was on a date. I made sure to wave and say hi. And as soon as I got home, I told my DH "by the way, I was at the sushi place today with coworker Nick, and saw Ken the neighbor who looked really concerned that I was at lunch with just one other guy." I figured I'd head that one off at the pass.

[cicero]

sooner rather than later.

IF she is going to tell her, then she needs to tell her. It's very possible that cousin will make different decisions when she has this info than she would without it.

what a mess...

and what a creep her husband is - "deeply in debt" while wining and dining another woman?