Author Topic: Tell? Don't Tell? What Is The Etiquette? AWFUL UPDATE #78  (Read 17272 times)

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ncgal

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Re: Tell? Don't Tell? What Is The Etiquette? UPDATE #35, #65
« Reply #75 on: December 12, 2012, 01:26:26 PM »
I am glad that she is telling her cousin as some of the massive debt that they are in and she is helping pay for appears to include him wining and dinning at least one other lady (I am being kind to the lady in question and hoping that she does not know that he is married). 

Quesselin

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Re: Tell? Don't Tell? What Is The Etiquette? UPDATE #35, #65
« Reply #76 on: December 13, 2012, 07:45:33 AM »
Oh, what a mess :( But I'm glad she's telling her, too. As a married woman myself, I would want to know - even if just thinking of being told something like that hurts my heart.

Winterlight

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Re: Tell? Don't Tell? What Is The Etiquette? UPDATE #35, #65
« Reply #77 on: December 13, 2012, 12:28:13 PM »
I am glad that she is telling her cousin as some of the massive debt that they are in and she is helping pay for appears to include him wining and dinning at least one other lady (I am being kind to the lady in question and hoping that she does not know that he is married).

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cookiehappy

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Re: Tell? Don't Tell? What Is The Etiquette? UPDATE #35, #65
« Reply #78 on: December 14, 2012, 02:56:42 PM »
Hello Everyone,

By way of update, a couple nights ago, my friend drove out to her cousin’s to talk about the restaurant incident.  Friend suggested they go out to a restaurant or lounge, but cousin did not feel like going out.  Friend explained she wants to talk uninterrupted.  Cousin assured her they would be alone as the husband would not be home for hours because he is working late.

Just as friend begins to speak, the phone rang.  Cousin excuses herself and answered the phone.  It is her husband.  She spends a few minutes on the phone with him and comes back and says, “that’s funny, husband is coming home now – he finished early”.  Friend is panicked, but just bit the bullet and told the entire story to cousin.  Friend said cousin just sat and stared into space.  After a few minutes, friend got a glass of water, cousin took it and threw it against the fireplace and started bawling.  Friend asked if cousin wanted to come home with her, cousin went upstairs to pack some clothes.

Friend is now nervous because husband is on his way home and she wants out of there before he makes it.  Cousin brings her bag down and they head for the door, but suddenly sets the bag down and says she wants to wait for husband.  Friend says perhaps she should leave so they can talk privately.  This is where it gets weird.  Cousin told friend she is rude for “dropping a bomb” and not staying to back it up.  Friend said she can most definitely stay to back up anything she told her, but thought cousin would want her privacy.  They went through three rounds of this.

Just then, husband’s car pulls up and cousin tells friend in a stern voice, “stay”.  Friend sits on the couch and husband bounds in yelling, “WHAT DID YOU TELL HER, YOU’RE RUDE FOR COMING OVER HERE MEDDLING, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE”.  Cousin and husband get into an awful row, verbal only, but really intense.  Friend asks cousin if she still wants to leave with her, if not, she is leaving herself.  Husband starts yelling obscenities and says, “NO, IM LEAVING”.   After he left, friend goes to cousin to hug and cousin shirks her off saying, “thanks for wrecking my marriage”.

With this, friend left.  She is chalking up her cousin’s behavior to shock.  This was two nights ago.  Friend has left several messages and sent several texts to cousin, but has gotten no response.

I am there for friend, she is really distraught over this whole situation.

Is it rude of her to keep calling and texting her cousin?  She is really concerned about her.  Would it be rude of friend to go back out to cousin’s house to check on her?
« Last Edit: December 14, 2012, 02:58:46 PM by cookiehappy »

onyonryngs

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Re: Tell? Don't Tell? What Is The Etiquette? AWFUL UPDATE #78
« Reply #79 on: December 14, 2012, 02:59:33 PM »
Her cousin needs to know she's still there for her, but also needs to realize that cousin may need time.  People process this kind of thing differently.  But just assure her she did the right thing & of course she didn't ruin the marriage, cousin's husband took care of that.

rose red

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Re: Tell? Don't Tell? What Is The Etiquette? AWFUL UPDATE #78
« Reply #80 on: December 14, 2012, 03:01:47 PM »
Yeah, Friend wrecked their marriage  >:(  ::).

It's not rude to keep trying to contact cousin, but maybe she should send one more message about being there for her whenever she's ready.  Then back off so cousin can have space to gather herself.

weeblewobble

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Re: Tell? Don't Tell? What Is The Etiquette? AWFUL UPDATE #78
« Reply #81 on: December 14, 2012, 03:02:45 PM »
Please assure your friend that she did not wreck the cousins marriage.  This is a common reaction to bad news like this.  Your friend is the messenger and it's a lot easier to get mad at your friend than to grasp the scope of her husband's betrayal.  And the husband is trying to shift the focus off of himself. 

I think your friend has done a good thing in sending the texts and checking in on her cousin.  But I think she needs to back off now for just a while and let cousin absorb the information.  I don't think it's a good idea for friend to go over and check on cousin, because it could be a potentially dangerous situation for her if husband is there. If nothing else, friend could call a parent or sibling of the cousin and ask if they've spoken to her recently.  But please tell her not to mention the affair issue unless the other relative does because she doesn't want to be accused of "spreading gossip."

nuit93

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Re: Tell? Don't Tell? What Is The Etiquette? AWFUL UPDATE #78
« Reply #82 on: December 14, 2012, 03:03:07 PM »
Maybe it's just me projecting my own experiences, but that sounds *really* scary.  I'd be concerned about the husband's behavior escalating.


JenJay

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Re: Tell? Don't Tell? What Is The Etiquette? AWFUL UPDATE #78
« Reply #83 on: December 14, 2012, 03:06:08 PM »
Your friend should back off and give her cousin some space, at least for a couple of days. Classic "shoot the messenger" thing going on. It isn't right, but it also isn't surprising. Your friend did the right thing. Imagine if the cousin had found herself bankrupt and infected with some horrible disease on top of having her marriage ruined. There's no winning here, but she did the right thing!

cicero

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Re: Tell? Don't Tell? What Is The Etiquette? AWFUL UPDATE #78
« Reply #84 on: December 14, 2012, 03:20:37 PM »
Your friend should back off and give her cousin some space, at least for a couple of days. Classic "shoot the messenger" thing going on. It isn't right, but it also isn't surprising. Your friend did the right thing. Imagine if the cousin had found herself bankrupt and infected with some horrible disease on top of having her marriage ruined. There's no winning here, but she did the right thing!
i agree.  i still think your friend did the right thing. I hope the cousin will cool off and reassess her situation.


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Iris

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Re: Tell? Don't Tell? What Is The Etiquette? AWFUL UPDATE #78
« Reply #85 on: December 14, 2012, 03:23:27 PM »
Maybe it's just me projecting my own experiences, but that sounds *really* scary.  I'd be concerned about the husband's behavior escalating.

This. The fact that he thought his aggressive behaviour in the restaurant was going to actually work tells me he's used to getting away with things.

Your cousin absolutely did the right thing, whatever happens from here.
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Re: Tell? Don't Tell? What Is The Etiquette? AWFUL UPDATE #78
« Reply #86 on: December 14, 2012, 03:25:29 PM »
Of course the cousin is upset and not returning phone calls.  She has HUGE stress right now and is probably pretty embarrassed (not that she necessarily did anything wrong but its not uncommon to internalized these types of things, all these things - the work thing, the finances, the marriage stuff).

Your friend needs to just make sure cousin knows she is there for her if cousin wants her, but in the meantime give her space. And privacy.

TurtleDove

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Re: Tell? Don't Tell? What Is The Etiquette? AWFUL UPDATE #78
« Reply #87 on: December 14, 2012, 03:26:28 PM »
Awful.  Your friend did the right thing.  At this point, I would have to assume cousin has other people she is leaning on.  Cousin knows friend is there for her when she is ready.  At this point friend needs to take care of herself, which means understanding she neither caused this situation nor can she fix it.

Mikayla

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Re: Tell? Don't Tell? What Is The Etiquette? AWFUL UPDATE #78
« Reply #88 on: December 14, 2012, 03:40:11 PM »
This won't be popular, but I feel so strongly I'm willing to take the hits.  I think Friend should be angry at Cousin. 

I guess we all pull from life experience for this, but I've been "Cousin" twice in my life (ouch) and Friend at least 5 times.  Never has anyone reacted this way to someone who had been "like a sister".  The closest was one person telling me to get out, but she called later that night to apologize.

I don't think it's ok to treat someone like this, and if I was Friend, I'd stop contacting Cousin.  And then if/when Cousin initiates contact, I'd make it clear that her actions were very hurtful. 

I guess I believe that just because someone is under stress doesn't give them the right to spread the stress around.

TurtleDove

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Re: Tell? Don't Tell? What Is The Etiquette? AWFUL UPDATE #78
« Reply #89 on: December 14, 2012, 03:52:39 PM »
This won't be popular, but I feel so strongly I'm willing to take the hits.  I think Friend should be angry at Cousin. 

I guess we all pull from life experience for this, but I've been "Cousin" twice in my life (ouch) and Friend at least 5 times.  Never has anyone reacted this way to someone who had been "like a sister".  The closest was one person telling me to get out, but she called later that night to apologize.

I don't think it's ok to treat someone like this, and if I was Friend, I'd stop contacting Cousin.  And then if/when Cousin initiates contact, I'd make it clear that her actions were very hurtful. 

I guess I believe that just because someone is under stress doesn't give them the right to spread the stress around.

I agree.  I think a moment of shock is one thing.  Stretching this out for days in anger toward Friend is another.  It's "understandable" that Cousin is upset and angry, but as an adult she should learn to channel her anger and use it to productively move forward.