Tell? Don't Tell? What Is The Etiquette? AWFUL UPDATE #78

[DavidH]

I'm not sure I'd go all the way to the Cousin is being isolated, but whether or not he was cheating, you can hardly expect he would do anything but discourage future contact with Friend. 

I think that Cousin needs some time to react and may just need time alone.  Being angry with Friend initially seems like an irrational, but not unusual or unexpected reaction.  I'd suggest that Friend not take it personally, realize it was likely Cousin's general shock and anger talking, and wait to hear from Cousin in the future. 

I think one more text or call is fine, but I wouldn't pester her.  I wouldn't go over in person since it seems very intrusive.

Unless there is a history of violent behavior, I wouldn't be that worried at this stage.  I don't think a loud argument and shouting was unexpected or all that unreasonable when he arrived home and if he didn't get violent in the heat of the moment, I think he'd be less likely to in the future when the initial event is over. 

[Honeypickle]

This seems straight from the movies! From finger licking to drink hurling. And we all know that never ends well.

[Drawberry]

I can't help but feel like based on Cousins reaction she may have had previous suspicions that she was refusing to look seriously at and Friend has confirmed her cousins suspicions.

Her cousin is hurt, incredibly so and at the moment it's a case of 'shooting the messenger'. Deep down Cousin knows that Friend didn't ruin her marriage, she knows that isn't true and it isn't right. But she isn't in a place to think about 'right', she's going to be emotionally fragile and deeply hurt in a way I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Her reaction to Friend wasn't appropriate, but at this point in her life I don't think Cousin was acting in her 'right mind' and was not stable at the time.

Giving her space but letting her know that someone is there for her will be difficult to do when all Friend wants is to just be right at her side to hold her hand through everything. But sometimes we need to let people breathe and handle things on their own.

[Sharnita]

Maybe she is also scared about her financial situation and thinks that she can't get out of the hole without his help.  Being confronted with his cheating means she has to choose an uncertain future alone or an unloving cheater.  She might blame Friend at the moment for "forcing" her to choose. Hopefully she will process the situation and come to terms with the actual reality.

[LifeOnPluto]

How very sad. I also think it's fishy that the husband suddenly came home early. Did he somehow know that your friend was visiting her cousin?

Even if the cousin stays with her husband and continues to blame your friend, I still think your friend did the right thing in telling her. At least her cousin has the relevant information, and can make her decision to stay based on that.

[Precarious Armada]

Given Husband's reaction in restaurant, and his reaction to Friend visiting Cousin, I think the phone wasn't accidental at all. I think Husband is very controlling and manipulative. And I don't like the menace aspect. Of course, he might just be all bark and no bite, but he doesn't sound like a very nice person at all. I'd get somebody else to check on Cousin, just in case Husband has isolated her. I'm also wondering how much of that debt is in Husband's name, and how much is in Cousins.
Hopefully the delay in communication is because Cousin left to stay with relatives and is busy separating her finances from Husbands.

[sammycat]

Friend did absolutely the right thing in telling Cousin, for all the reasons listed by PP.  Cousin's reaction is a typical case of 'shoot the messenger', and Friend should absolutely not blame herself for any of this in any way, shape, or form. The person 100% responsible for this mess is Husband. 

I'm wondering if Cousin has even been receiving Friend's messages.  It's entirely possible Husband has been deleting them or hiding Cousin's phone etc. 

I second the suggestion that Friend have someone call on Cousin to check that things are ok.  Failing that, is Friend able to drive by (but not go into) Cousin's house?  There may be some sort of clue as to how things are going. Eg. if it all looks empty then maybe Cousin and/or Husband have left the premises.

It's only been two days. I'd give it a week before trying to contact Cousin again.  I may have missed it, but does she have a job that Friend could contact her through, rather than at home?

Oh, and add me to the list of people suspicious as to how/why Husband came home when he did.  My bet is that Cousin called him, either to give him a heads up for some reason, or just mentioned it in casual conversation and Husband lost the plot.

[AngelBarchild]

It seems more likely that cousin and her husband are trying to figure out weather to fix or end their marriage, rather than the husband hiding the phone or intercepting messages or some how "getting to her". This is life altering, earth shattering, news. It is probably not a intentional snub, they just have way more important things going on right.

[Gyburc]

I'm very sorry but not surprised that Cousin reacted in the way she did. I imagine she is not only scared and angry, but also ashamed. She shouldn't be ashamed, of course, but I suspect she is. It doesn't excuse her lashing out against Friend of course, but it does explain it.

I hope very much that she will remember that Friend is there if she ever needs help, but in the meantime, I would honestly advise Friend not to keep texting her. Friend has done all that she can, and it's now up to Cousin.

Regarding the husband, I'm not sure what to make of his belligerent behaviour. It could very well be down to guilt, or perhaps he's just naturally an overbearing kind of person.

OP, please do reassure your friend that she has done the right thing, but do urge her now to step back, unless Cousin contacts her, or unless she has absolutely clear evidence that Cousin is in danger.

I really hope all will be resolved well, however that resolution occurs.

[bonyk]

It seems more likely that cousin and her husband are trying to figure out weather to fix or end their marriage, rather than the husband hiding the phone or intercepting messages or some how "getting to her". This is life altering, earth shattering, news. It is probably not a intentional snub, they just have way more important things going on right.

I agree with this.  I think friend is being way too pushy right now.  She needs to back off and let cousin process everything.  No more phone calls or texts.  Let cousin figure out if her marriage is over without interfering.

[sevenday]

I do think Friend should lay low for a little bit, let things begin working out, especially at this time of year.  However, they should reach out to other mutual friends or relatives of Cousin and discreetly inquire.  "Hey, have you talked to Cousin in the last couple days? I haven't heard from her and I'm wondering if she's all right."  Seems simple and straightforward without airing dirty laundry.  Others may know whether CH is being controlling or if they are in "damage recovery mode" and discussing whether to save the marriage or not as other PPs have said.  When I announced my intention to divorce my now ex-DH, he blew up and said and did many things that I did not suspect that he was capable of, almost up to physical blows at one point.  I'm sure it looked very intense and it was scary for us both, and he pulled many asinine moves along the road to our divorce, but in the end the day came and went relatively calmly, and we have a truce going as friends/roommates now.  So it's possible CH is not "like that" all the time.  Hard to say.   

Give it until after the holidays if others say that Cousin is well and just wants time.  Then Friend can drop a polite line.  "I've been thinking of you, want you to know that I'll support and help you if you need it.  A shoulder to cry on if you want.  Please let me know you're all right."  Seems okay I think?

[Wordgeek]

Insofar as this is an etiquette issue, the matter has been sufficiently addressed.

Best wishes to the parties involved.