Cut off family and presents

[esteban]

So we have cut off Mrs. Deadbody's sisters and parents.  This is fairly recent and we are dealing with extinction burst.

First off thank you to everyone who has ever posted on this board, knowing what to expect has been a big helkp for both of us as we formulate a plan for dealing with this and giving us the courage and spine o'steel for Mrs. Deadbody to go through with this.

Now then, we are pretty sure that her parents will decide to sneak over to our house and deposit some presents outside for the kids.  We will not be keeping them, we will not even open them.   Should we have them returned to her parents (easy to do as there are some family members who will talk to us and them) or donate them?  We are pretty sure the presents are mostly clothes, a friend of ours is pretty tight on money right now and DD1 wears the same size as one of her daughters.  The rest would go to some sort of shelter as they will be nice clothes and I would hate to see them go unused. 

But if we don't give them back it will be gossipped around the family about how greedy we are and such by taking the presents and not giving any (we have a gift of nephew that will be given to someone else to give him since it is perrsonalized but it won't come from us or our kids)

So eHell Mrs. Deadbody would like some advice, we have 3 possible courses of action that we have thought of (any others would be good as well)
1. Return the presents to family, either by sneaking over and dropping them on their doorstep or via another family member.
2. Donate presents and think nothing of it.
3. Donate presents and have donation receipt sent to her parents so that they can see that we did not accept presents (Might not stop gossip as lying is not something they oppose and may escalate some behavior as her mom will lose her mind that we donated something when they have decided we are destitute).

What do we do o wise eHellions?

[Piratelvr1121]

I am interested in the answers too, as we still deal with presents from my parents to the boys, though recently it's gone from presents to money. My brother and I still talk and I wonder if he has ever reported to them that he's never seen hide nor tail of anything they've given the boys in our house.   And my parents seem to think we're destitute as well.  Granted they're quite well off whereas we're working class but hey, we can pay the bills and have enough food to eat so we're good.

I've donated them in the past. Well usually hidden the gifts first and then given them away when the boys weren't looking.  Never really thought too much about the receipt but I honestly just don't care what they think.

[Outdoor Girl]

To my mind, cut-off means no contact of any kind.  So returning the gifts via another family member or sending a donation receipt would still be contacting them.  My vote would be to donate the presents and think no more about them.

If they actually send the gifts with another family member, you can refuse to accept them and tell family member to do whatever they like with the gifts and tell family member that you would appreciate it if they wouldn't try to play mediator in the future.

[weeblewobble]

The only problem I have with silently donating the presents is that the parents/sister will think you accepted them, therefore they have leverage over you and will try to use this against you.  (i.e., telling other relatives, "Well, they won't TALK to us, but they were happy to accept gifts from us.  What selfish hypocrites!")  Maybe the best of both worlds would be to donate the presents and let the relatives you do speak to know that the presents went to a good cause?  I'll bet the word would eventually get back to them. 

[esteban]

The only problem I have with silently donating the presents is that the parents/sister will think you accepted them, therefore they have leverage over you and will try to use this against you.  (i.e., telling other relatives, "Well, they won't TALK to us, but they were happy to accept gifts from us.  What selfish hypocrites!")  Maybe the best of both worlds would be to donate the presents and let the relatives you do speak to know that the presents went to a good cause?  I'll bet the word would eventually get back to them.

 We thought about this and the quoted response is exactly what we thought would come.  This is the route I think we are leaning towards but I would be curios to hear from others

[wolfie]

I would send them back. Donating them is a good idea, but it leaves your parents the opportunity to think "yeah right, they are just saying that and are keeping them" and to keep sending you gifts. If you return them then they could eventually get a clue and stop sending them altogether.

Or you could just up and leave in the middle of the night and leave no forwarding address. :-)

[zyrs]

Honestly, if there is anyone in the family who you still talk to and who knows that you have cut off toxic family members I would mention to them in conversation that you hope the cut off family members don't try to give you Christmas presents because they will just be going to charity unopened.

[SleepyKitty]

I would send them back, but I think it's a bad idea and kind of rude to put other family member in the middle. Instead, I would mail them back or leave the gifts outside the giver's door or something like that.

[dawbs]

The only reason I hesitate to say 'send them back' is that it 1-lets them know they're still getting under your skin and 2-is still (more or less) a form of contact.

I'd treat it as if your house is a black hole.  Anything they send hurdling toward it will disappear into oblivion--be they phone calls, packages on the porch, letters, etc.
I'd probably mention to involved family members that you wouldn't allow your children to have those gifts--and I'd leave it open what happened to them.  The idea that they may have gone into the trash unopened (since opening and donating means *someone* in the house has to deal w/ them) may be a better deterrent than anything else.

[ladyknight1]

I POD Outdoor Girl. Mrs. Deadbody does not owe them the acknowledgement of the gifts.

Do the cut-off relatives know that they are cut off? How did you get that across? I am extremely close to cutting off all but one sister and her DH.

[esteban]

I POD Outdoor Girl. Mrs. Deadbody does not owe them the acknowledgement of the gifts.

Do the cut-off relatives know that they are cut off? How did you get that across? I am extremely close to cutting off all but one sister and her DH.

They have been told we will not speak to or see them, until Mrs. Deadbody is ready, and they have been told to cease contact with us.  The response to that has been to up the ante on calls texts and e-mails in the hope that one will go through, and the guilt trips have been amazing.

If they are donated it will be done unopened.  The charity can have the joy of finding out what is in the presents, and how best to utilize them.

[dawbs]

you may want to check w/ the charities...many don't accept wrapped gifts because of past problems.
I don't know of any locally that do--except those that need to have the person donating fill out paperwork on precisely what is in the wrapped package.

[bah12]

When you cut them off, did you make it clear that it meant that they wouldn't be participating in the kids' lives at all?  In other words, is it clear to them that any presents they get will not be wanted or accepted?  And if they are, they will be donated to charity or thrown away?

If you've made that clear and they insist on dropping the gifts off anyway, I say you can do whatever you want with them.  Otherwise, send them back. 

I wouldn't worry too much about what someone that I cut out of my life thought of me, and wouldn't really take anything they might think or say into consideration.  Unless they have the ability to turn away true friends or ruin your career, I wouldn't give them the kind of power where you make decisions based on anything they would do in retaliation.

[bopper]

If you want to cut off contact, then cut off contact. If you send something back to them, you are contacting them.  Donate them to somebody.

If someone gossips and you hear about it, then you say "We are taking a break from my parents and I have no idea why they insisted on dropping something off after we told them we wanted no contact. So naturally we donated the items."

[CrazyDaffodilLady]

A vote for Option #2 and POD for making you & yours a black hole to them.  Unless you kowtow to their toxicity, they're going to slander you no matter what you do.  If other family members try to get involved, bean dip.  Refuse to get drawn into the game at any level.