Author Topic: Cut off family and presents  (Read 5980 times)

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CakeBeret

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Re: Cut off family and presents
« Reply #15 on: December 11, 2012, 11:54:45 AM »
If you want to cut off contact, then cut off contact. If you send something back to them, you are contacting them.  Donate them to somebody.

If someone gossips and you hear about it, then you say "We are taking a break from my parents and I have no idea why they insisted on dropping something off after we told them we wanted no contact. So naturally we donated the items."

I agree with this.

It sounds like the idea of not acknowledging the presents and donating them without a word makes you a little uncomfortable, and rightly so. But I think it's the best course of action in this case. Use Bopper's wording if need be.
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Outdoor Girl

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Re: Cut off family and presents
« Reply #16 on: December 11, 2012, 11:58:20 AM »
If someone gossips and you hear about it, then you say "We are taking a break from my parents and I have no idea why they insisted on dropping something off after we told them we wanted no contact. So naturally we donated the items."

Yup.  So what if the parents think you are being greedy and actually keeping the presents?  Hopefully, it'll make them stop sending them all the sooner.  If you send them back, they'll know they are getting under your skin and keep trying.  They do not exist for you and hence, anything they might send your way does not exist.  Sure, you have to go to the trouble of donating the stuff but you aren't letting them have contact.  Or you could give all the gifts to your friend, still wrapped, and let her know she is welcome to keep anything she finds useful and to donate the rest.  That would solve the dilemma about some organizations not allowing you to donate wrapped gifts.
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Virg

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Re: Cut off family and presents
« Reply #17 on: December 11, 2012, 11:59:19 AM »
Black hole, top to bottom.  Donate the gifts and don't acknowledge them nor worry about proving that you donated them.  Anyone who matters won't pay heed to her mother's slander and anyone who pays it heed isn't someone you're going to convince by a receipt.  Just jettison the gifts and ignore the rest.  Cutting someone off can't be a halfway game or you might as well not bother at all.

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ellebelle

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Re: Cut off family and presents
« Reply #18 on: December 11, 2012, 12:10:11 PM »
Right after I cut my father out, he decided to leave me gifts for my birthday, I immediately donated it to charity. I never acknowledged it to him, but at least I know that what I did was right.

I suggesting donating them to someone in need and let it go. Why would you care what they would think of your anyway?
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deadbody

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Re: Cut off family and presents
« Reply #19 on: December 11, 2012, 12:40:29 PM »
So you have me convinced that donating is the correct answer, and this may now veer outside the bounds of etiquette (and I apologize in advance) But what would be a good charity to donate clothes for a 4 year old girl and 14 year old boy? My thought was battered womens shelter, but will they need 14 year old boy clothes? Is there another better option?

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Cut off family and presents
« Reply #20 on: December 11, 2012, 12:48:54 PM »
If there are any toys, I'll put in my vote for Toys for Tots. As for clothes I'd say Goodwill, Salvation Army, or maybe a church or shelter. Most shelters for domestic abuse victims are very protected, but I think social services, hospitals or police might know where they are and you could go into the offices for any of them and say you'd like to donate them and ask if they'd know anyone to get the clothes there. 

If you ever get a gift card (it's happened with us) use the card to buy clothes/toys for the less fortunate.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Redwing

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Re: Cut off family and presents
« Reply #21 on: December 11, 2012, 01:10:55 PM »
So you have me convinced that donating is the correct answer, and this may now veer outside the bounds of etiquette (and I apologize in advance) But what would be a good charity to donate clothes for a 4 year old girl and 14 year old boy? My thought was battered womens shelter, but will they need 14 year old boy clothes? Is there another better option?

Our women's shelter allows for children to stay as well.  Some women and children have to leave their homes quickly without any possessions.  They'll take donated clothes, toys, etc. for all ages.  Catholic Charities or St. Vincent De Paul will also happily accept these donations. 

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Cut off family and presents
« Reply #22 on: December 11, 2012, 01:14:52 PM »
The women's shelter in my town allows you to donate directly - they have a separate entrance for donations and really good security.  They would gladly take donations of new clothes, no matter the age.  The larger clothing, if it is somewhat unisex, could very likely fit a smaller woman.

I don't know if all charities are like this but the ones in my town work together co-operatively.  If one gets something they can't use, they'll pass it on to another that can.
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
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artk2002

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Re: Cut off family and presents
« Reply #23 on: December 11, 2012, 02:00:54 PM »
Black hole, top to bottom.  Donate the gifts and don't acknowledge them nor worry about proving that you donated them.  Anyone who matters won't pay heed to her mother's slander and anyone who pays it heed isn't someone you're going to convince by a receipt.  Just jettison the gifts and ignore the rest.  Cutting someone off can't be a halfway game or you might as well not bother at all.

Virg

Virg's got it right here. So what if she slanders you? Do you think that she won't do it anyway, over any one of a number of other topics? Why would you care about the opinions of people who would believe her?

Give these to the friend who has a child about the same age, or donate them to a shelter, or tie them together into effigies of the offending people and burn them.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

StuffedGrapeLeaves

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Re: Cut off family and presents
« Reply #24 on: December 11, 2012, 02:07:51 PM »

tie them together into effigies of the offending people and burn them.

Now that would be quite a sight! 

rosiegirl

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Re: Cut off family and presents
« Reply #25 on: December 11, 2012, 02:13:06 PM »
So you have me convinced that donating is the correct answer, and this may now veer outside the bounds of etiquette (and I apologize in advance) But what would be a good charity to donate clothes for a 4 year old girl and 14 year old boy? My thought was battered womens shelter, but will they need 14 year old boy clothes? Is there another better option?

If not a shelter, check with your local school district.  Our district has a resource center for families in need and likes getting items for all ages. Clothes for a teen age boy would be greatly appreciated.

Sophia

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Re: Cut off family and presents
« Reply #26 on: December 11, 2012, 02:20:47 PM »
I've donated to a woman's shelter.  The shelter was in a secret location, but we met in a 7-11 parking lot.  When women are abused, they take their kids with them. 

yokozbornak

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Re: Cut off family and presents
« Reply #27 on: December 11, 2012, 04:33:37 PM »
I have cut off my sisters because of toxic behavior.   After receiving a few things, I did let them know that I did not want anything and to please stop contacting me, but I still receive random things every now and then. I now toss any cards I receive  and open boxes and donate the contents to the appropriate person. I dont care if they gossip about me - that's one of the many reasons I cut them off in the first place and if someone chooses to believe their lies that's their problem not mine.  They will learn soon enough.  It would take too much emotional energy to send back the gifts, and I refuse to give them that space in my head.

TootsNYC

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Re: Cut off family and presents
« Reply #28 on: December 11, 2012, 06:14:19 PM »
. . .  It would take too much emotional energy to send back the gifts, and I refuse to give them that space in my head.

This would be the reason I'd suggest donating them as rapidly as possible. Decide your channel now, and have it ready.

The less of YOUR energy you spend on this, the better for you.

Because it's not about them, and it's not about sending them a message.

It's about Mrs. Deadbody and you, and about protecting yourselves.

QueenofAllThings

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Re: Cut off family and presents
« Reply #29 on: December 11, 2012, 06:33:05 PM »
If you choose to donate, you may want to open them first (and yes, I appreciate that may be difficult). It makes it much easier on the charity.

Personally, I would donate so that someone gets the benefit. However, doing so gives the in-laws the impression that you kept them - opening that door a crack. So they will continue to give the gifts and may even, as the children get older, contact them directly about the gifts. So, in this case, I'd send them back.