Cut off family and presents

[FoxPaws]

If you don't want to open them, have a trusted friend do it. I don't know how vindictive your inlaws are, but I would want to open them just to make sure I didn't accidentally send dog droppings or a box full of hate mail to a charity. 

Along with a plan for their disposal, you'll also need a way to explain to your kids why they won't be allowed to open and/or keep those gifts. Do they understand why their grandparents have been cut off? You may want to talk about this beforehand.

[esteban]

Very good points about opening them first, we will do so without the kids around.  DS who is 14 understands the cut, DD7 and DD4 do not, and we have already decided that when we come home to presents on the steps we will just tell them someone left them there by mistake and we will return them.  Yes it's a lie but we still hope that there will be a reconciliation at some point as we have laid out what needed to be done. 

[Hmmmmm]

Check with a local church.  We have an emergency stash if clothing for all ages.  It is regularly used for providing clothing to families who have suffered loss through house fires or other events or who have fallen on other hard times and need some type of emergency assistance.  We receive lots of adult clothing and young kids but seldom items for teens.

[Virg]

Hmmmmm wrote:

"We receive lots of adult clothing and young kids but seldom items for teens."

This called up an entertaining image.  "Here's three shirts, two pairs of pants and a toddler.  Glad we could help."

QueenofAllThings wrote:

"Personally, I would donate so that someone gets the benefit. However, doing so gives the in-laws the impression that you kept them - opening that door a crack. So they will continue to give the gifts and may even, as the children get older, contact them directly about the gifts. So, in this case, I'd send them back."

Truth be told, they'll act like that no matter what.  When dealing with the level of toxicity that requires cutting someone off, you're outside the realm of sensibility.  If they want to believe the door is open, they will despite any and all evidence to the contrary.  As evidence of that, I present the presents themselves that deadbody fears will be left on the stoop after they were told not to contact the family.  The only way to deal with them is not to play the game at all, in any form.  Sending back "gifts" forced on them after they specifically told her parents not to contact them is interaction, and the deadbodys have decided that they want no interaction, so why would they let the cut off relatives' reaction dictate that they must interact?

Virg

[Niamh84]

But if we don't give them back it will be gossipped around the family about how greedy we are and such by taking the presents and not giving any (we have a gift of nephew that will be given to someone else to give him since it is perrsonalized but it won't come from us or our kids)

Forgive me if I'm wrong here, I'm a little confused.  Does the above mean that you are not accepting gifts for your children from your parents or sister in law, but you will be sending a gift for your nephew (presumably sister in laws son)?

[esteban]

But if we don't give them back it will be gossipped around the family about how greedy we are and such by taking the presents and not giving any (we have a gift of nephew that will be given to someone else to give him since it is perrsonalized but it won't come from us or our kids)

Forgive me if I'm wrong here, I'm a little confused.  Does the above mean that you are not accepting gifts for your children from your parents or sister in law, but you will be sending a gift for your nephew (presumably sister in laws son)?

We have a gift that was already purchased and personalized for him.  We will give it to one of the extended family to give to him as a present from them not us.  He will really enjoy the gift we think and we would like him to have it, even if it doesn't come from us directly.  The money was already spent on the gift, it isn't returnable and it is personalized with his somewhat unique name, so donating it to charity isn't the best option.  He is basically collatoral damage in this as he loves his cousins (and really isn't a bad kid) so if this will make him smile a bit when his great aunt or someone gives it to him it will make us happy.

[Outdoor Girl]

^ I think that is a perfect way to handle it.

[Jloreli]

So you have me convinced that donating is the correct answer, and this may now veer outside the bounds of etiquette (and I apologize in advance) But what would be a good charity to donate clothes for a 4 year old girl and 14 year old boy? My thought was battered womens shelter, but will they need 14 year old boy clothes? Is there another better option?

Thank you so much for thinking of donating items this way! I work for a domestic/sexual violence prevention program ("battered women's shelter") and yes we do often need clothing for boys/men. Someone staying in our shelter may have a son in that size range. Also not all of our clients are female....we often work with male survivors of abuse. And not all of our clients stay in our shelter, they access our services while living else where. There is always a need for clothes, toys, furniture and household items in our program. Fleeing abuse tends to drop people several economic "levels" instantly and it can take years to recover. Most programs are taking a holistic approach and try to support as many of the needs of their clients as they can for as long as they are needed.

[CuriousParty]

We have a similar situation.  In our case, we responded to the first receipt of presents after the cutoff by one contact (in our case a telephone call, but email will do). Very simple and straightforward. "We have asked that you not send gifts.  The box we received today has been donated, and any future boxes will be donated as well."

Then we go "black hole."  Yes, there was hysterical responses, but they went unanswered (as we had told them would happen). The initial notification is for us, really, not for their benefit - our approach has been to "tell them what will happen, then do it", so this process falls under that rubric.  YMMV, of course.

[gena264]

 I feel the best thing to do is to donate (if you choose) or throw away without a second thought. We cut off my husband's mother many years ago and the first few years she would still send presents to our DD via mail. After she stopped sending toys, she switched to cards. This was given to both DD and my husband on birthday's and Christmas, those went to the trash as well with no response. My feeling is by giving a response in any way, then you acknowledge them, which is what they want . After all they know they are cut off, what is the point in continuing contact in any way if not to get something in return (drama)

I wouldn't worry (0r care) too much what outside parties have to say.  Truth is, if they are going to talk about you, they are going to talk about you no matter what.

[Roses]

I received a gift (candy) from a family member I had cut off and got excellent advice from this board.  I tossed it and never mentioned it to anyone other than DH.  :-)  As far as they knew, I never got it.  That's my recommendation.  Don't acknowledge it in any way, through other family members, directly, etc.  Do what you want with the gifts - I think donating is an excellent idea.  If anyone ever asks or says anything to you about them, you can honestly reply that "you don't have any gifts from Mrs. Deadboy or her sisters.