Author Topic: Would you do this? Is it inconsiderate?  (Read 9123 times)

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LazyDaisy

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Re: Would you do this? Is it inconsiderate?
« Reply #30 on: December 12, 2012, 02:38:29 PM »
If I bring a bottle of wine with me to a party as a hostess gift and the hostess opens it and shares it with others, I'm fine with it, and happy about it because I think that means she likes it and wants to share. But if I gave someone a bottle of wine as a gift, without a party, and then I arrived at their house a few days later for a party and they were serving that wine, I would interpret it to mean that they didn't like it enough to consume it themselves. So I'd be slightly offended to see it. If they didn't like it or had too much wine already and wanted to get rid of it, I'd prefer they regift it to someone I didn't know so I didn't know about it.

Interesting. If someone gives me a type of wine that I think is meh, I'm going to turn it into sangria or drink it on a night when it's the only wine I have left. I'm definitely not going to serve it at a party. For a party I'm going serve the best stuff I've got. So, if someone gives me a really nice bottle of wine, I'm absolutely serving that at a party I'm hosting soon.

Your assumptions hinge on the idea that other people will keep the best stuff for personal consumption and put out their leftovers, or the things they don't care for for guests to have at a party. A lot of people don't operate that way, and in fact, operate completely opposite to that.

I don't think that people would put out poor quality stuff for their guests, but I do tend to assume that if there's something that they like most, they will save it for themselves. For example, DH and I prefer Guinness over Fat Tire, but we really like both beers. And they're both good and worthy beers to serve guests. About 90% of our friends prefer Fat Tire. If I have plenty of Guinness and Fat Tire in the fridge and I know my friends are coming over in a few days, and I'm in the mood for beer, I'll drink the Guinness, knowing that I'll be sharing the Fat Tire when my friends come over.

This is the way I operate with wine unless I'm having a very small party and I know that all others will really appreciate the higher end wine -- like if I were having a wine tasting party for oenophiles. That's not to say I'm serving "2 buck Chuck" at a general party but they aren't getting the absolute best.
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Hmmmmm

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Re: Would you do this? Is it inconsiderate?
« Reply #31 on: December 12, 2012, 02:41:35 PM »
If I bring a bottle of wine with me to a party as a hostess gift and the hostess opens it and shares it with others, I'm fine with it, and happy about it because I think that means she likes it and wants to share. But if I gave someone a bottle of wine as a gift, without a party, and then I arrived at their house a few days later for a party and they were serving that wine, I would interpret it to mean that they didn't like it enough to consume it themselves. So I'd be slightly offended to see it. If they didn't like it or had too much wine already and wanted to get rid of it, I'd prefer they regift it to someone I didn't know so I didn't know about it.

Interesting. If someone gives me a type of wine that I think is meh, I'm going to turn it into sangria or drink it on a night when it's the only wine I have left. I'm definitely not going to serve it at a party. For a party I'm going serve the best stuff I've got. So, if someone gives me a really nice bottle of wine, I'm absolutely serving that at a party I'm hosting soon.

Your assumptions hinge on the idea that other people will keep the best stuff for personal consumption and put out their leftovers, or the things they don't care for for guests to have at a party. A lot of people don't operate that way, and in fact, operate completely opposite to that.

I don't think that people would put out poor quality stuff for their guests, but I do tend to assume that if there's something that they like most, they will save it for themselves. For example, DH and I prefer Guinness over Fat Tire, but we really like both beers. And they're both good and worthy beers to serve guests. About 90% of our friends prefer Fat Tire. If I have plenty of Guinness and Fat Tire in the fridge and I know my friends are coming over in a few days, and I'm in the mood for beer, I'll drink the Guinness, knowing that I'll be sharing the Fat Tire when my friends come over.

So using your beer analogy.  Say a friend gave you and your DH a 6 pack of Guinness and a 6 pack of Fat Tire.  It's been a cold week so you and your DH drink all the Guinness.  You have a party that weekend and you put out the Fat Tire to share.  It's not because you didn't like the Fat Tire it's because the Guinness is already gone. 

Becky's family my enjoy 2 of the cookies more than the other 3 but it doesn't mean they don't like the cookies.  Or Becky could be one of those that saves the "best for guests" so had her kids eat the cookies that she thought her guests would like less. 

And since Becky even shared the bought candies you gave, I think she is one of us who believe that consumable gifts given at Christmas are meant to be shared.  I had a co-worker who made the best peppermint candy and I really wanted to hoard it all to myself.  But I felt guilty if I didn't put some out on a Christmas tray for my friends and family to get to try.

WillyNilly

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Re: Would you do this? Is it inconsiderate?
« Reply #32 on: December 12, 2012, 02:42:48 PM »
If I bring a bottle of wine with me to a party as a hostess gift and the hostess opens it and shares it with others, I'm fine with it, and happy about it because I think that means she likes it and wants to share. But if I gave someone a bottle of wine as a gift, without a party, and then I arrived at their house a few days later for a party and they were serving that wine, I would interpret it to mean that they didn't like it enough to consume it themselves. So I'd be slightly offended to see it. If they didn't like it or had too much wine already and wanted to get rid of it, I'd prefer they regift it to someone I didn't know so I didn't know about it.

Interesting. If someone gives me a type of wine that I think is meh, I'm going to turn it into sangria or drink it on a night when it's the only wine I have left. I'm definitely not going to serve it at a party. For a party I'm going serve the best stuff I've got. So, if someone gives me a really nice bottle of wine, I'm absolutely serving that at a party I'm hosting soon.

Your assumptions hinge on the idea that other people will keep the best stuff for personal consumption and put out their leftovers, or the things they don't care for for guests to have at a party. A lot of people don't operate that way, and in fact, operate completely opposite to that.

I love a good bottle of wine.  But my DH doesn't drink wine and the people I have over in small batches tend towards other drinks.  So I save my best bottles of wine for parties where I can share them with other wine drinkers and not worry about not finishing a bottle in 2 days before it goes stale. For me to serve a gift bottle of wine at a party is me wordlessly saying its one of my good wines.  The cheap stuff I'll open on my own to have a glass or two to drink and use the rest for cooking and I don't fret if 2 weeks goes by and I end up pouring the last bit out.

Serving wine at a party for me isn't "getting rid of it", its the absolute highest compliment to the wine possible IMO; its sharing it, and wine shared is a blessing of a special sort.

Deetee

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Re: Would you do this? Is it inconsiderate?
« Reply #33 on: December 12, 2012, 02:54:41 PM »
The whole idea that serving something to guests means that I don't like it is so completely and utterly contrary to my ideas of good hosting, I find it baffling and actually a bit rude towards the hosts.

A good guest assumes that a host is providing the best hospitality that they can. That is why (as a guest) we do not complain about the taste of the food or the comfort of the chairs or the quality of the conversation (except in the car ride home with our spouse). Someone has opened their home to us and provided us with their hospitality.

A good host tries to provide a warm environment including food and drink that they think their guests will enjoy.

edit: Just to make clear, the more I enjoy something or appreciate it, the more I want to share it with people. Delicious food and drink is tastier with friends!
« Last Edit: December 12, 2012, 03:11:14 PM by Deetee »

Danika

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Re: Would you do this? Is it inconsiderate?
« Reply #34 on: December 12, 2012, 03:03:42 PM »
So using your beer analogy.  Say a friend gave you and your DH a 6 pack of Guinness and a 6 pack of Fat Tire.  It's been a cold week so you and your DH drink all the Guinness.  You have a party that weekend and you put out the Fat Tire to share.  It's not because you didn't like the Fat Tire it's because the Guinness is already gone. 

If I had those two types of beer in the fridge already, I'd generally serve the one that most guests would like most. But if some friends gave me 6 packs of those beers previously, I wouldn't want to share them at the party they were at because I wouldn't want my friends to think I didn't save them and enjoy them myself. I wouldn't want them to think I was regifting. So I might buy a third brand to share at the party, so I was clearly not regifting.

she is one of us who believe that consumable gifts given at Christmas are meant to be shared.

And that's not a concept I had ever considered until this thread. I think I don't think of gifts (other than perhaps hostess gifts during a party) as things that are supposed to be shared. Maybe just how I was brought up or I've never really been in a situation like this before.

Moray

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Re: Would you do this? Is it inconsiderate?
« Reply #35 on: December 12, 2012, 03:13:17 PM »
So using your beer analogy.  Say a friend gave you and your DH a 6 pack of Guinness and a 6 pack of Fat Tire.  It's been a cold week so you and your DH drink all the Guinness.  You have a party that weekend and you put out the Fat Tire to share.  It's not because you didn't like the Fat Tire it's because the Guinness is already gone. 

If I had those two types of beer in the fridge already, I'd generally serve the one that most guests would like most. But if some friends gave me 6 packs of those beers previously, I wouldn't want to share them at the party they were at because I wouldn't want my friends to think I didn't save them and enjoy them myself. I wouldn't want them to think I was regifting. So I might buy a third brand to share at the party, so I was clearly not regifting.

she is one of us who believe that consumable gifts given at Christmas are meant to be shared.

And that's not a concept I had ever considered until this thread. I think I don't think of gifts (other than perhaps hostess gifts during a party) as things that are supposed to be shared. Maybe just how I was brought up or I've never really been in a situation like this before.

I guess I'm a little puzzled as to why you'd give so many cookies if you weren't expecting them to be shared. With all the other holiday goodies (including the fudge and cookie bars from the other members of your group), 50 cookies seems like an awful lot for a family to consume all on their own.
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Deetee

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Re: Would you do this? Is it inconsiderate?
« Reply #36 on: December 12, 2012, 03:25:43 PM »
So using your beer analogy.  Say a friend gave you and your DH a 6 pack of Guinness and a 6 pack of Fat Tire.  It's been a cold week so you and your DH drink all the Guinness.  You have a party that weekend and you put out the Fat Tire to share.  It's not because you didn't like the Fat Tire it's because the Guinness is already gone. 

If I had those two types of beer in the fridge already, I'd generally serve the one that most guests would like most. But if some friends gave me 6 packs of those beers previously, I wouldn't want to share them at the party they were at because I wouldn't want my friends to think I didn't save them and enjoy them myself. I wouldn't want them to think I was regifting. So I might buy a third brand to share at the party, so I was clearly not regifting.

she is one of us who believe that consumable gifts given at Christmas are meant to be shared.

And that's not a concept I had ever considered until this thread. I think I don't think of gifts (other than perhaps hostess gifts during a party) as things that are supposed to be shared. Maybe just how I was brought up or I've never really been in a situation like this before.

Hmmm, interesting, it sounds a bit like you think that good hosting requires new stuff, where some people think it requires simply good stuff.

Additionally some people feel it is more polite to share a gift that they are given (to show how much they enjoy it) and others feel that the sharing shows that you don't enjoy it.

It is quite interesting how the same (good and decent) motivation "I want to be a good host" or "I want to demonstrate my appreciation for this gift" can lead to very different actions. 

I think the best is to assume that if someone treats an item differently than you would, just give it the best spin (within reason-if they are using your wine as a cleaning product, there is no kind way to take that-true story) and assume they are a saver or a sharer etc... and this is how they demonstrate their appreciation.



rose red

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Re: Would you do this? Is it inconsiderate?
« Reply #37 on: December 12, 2012, 03:28:28 PM »
The first time I read the OP, I missed that the family got 50 cookies.  Yikes!  That's a lot and I love cookies.  I may not put them out for the party because I figure the other guests may have gotten the same gift from the OP, but I would take the leftovers to work to share.

In general though, I don't think it's rude to put out the treats, but I would try to acknowledge the person in some way if possible.

DottyG

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Re: Would you do this? Is it inconsiderate?
« Reply #38 on: December 12, 2012, 03:41:33 PM »
Quote
The first time I read the OP, I missed that the family got 50 cookies.

50 cookies from the OP plus whatever the other families gave each other.  It sounds like there's a potential for quite a bit of food being passed around.


Danika

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Re: Would you do this? Is it inconsiderate?
« Reply #39 on: December 12, 2012, 04:22:10 PM »
Yeah, that one year I did give 50 cookies/treats. Each family has on average 4 members. So I figured over the course of a week, each person might eat 1-2 cookies a day. I have a real sweet tooth, so I thought that wasn't much. ;) Even with the stuff they'd get from other neighbors.

I think the best is to assume that if someone treats an item differently than you would, just give it the best spin (within reason-if they are using your wine as a cleaning product, there is no kind way to take that-true story) and assume they are a saver or a sharer etc... and this is how they demonstrate their appreciation.

I agree. That's why I wanted to post here. I think on a small level, I saw what Becky was doing as regifting my gifts to her right in front of me and I was shocked. But now I see that most people would not see it that way and I should have been flattered not hurt. The fact that I thought it was regifting was what made me think she didn't like those cookies, because people only regift things they don't want to keep for themselves. But she must not see it as regifting. She sees it as sharing with friends.

yokozbornak

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Re: Would you do this? Is it inconsiderate?
« Reply #40 on: December 12, 2012, 04:23:19 PM »
I also don't think it's a slight.  Also, I want to add that for some people (like me!) having 50 cookies in the house is just an invitation to overeat so I always try to get them out of my house as quickly as possible.  It's not a reflection on the giver, but an indication of my lack of self-control.

Danika

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Re: Would you do this? Is it inconsiderate?
« Reply #41 on: December 12, 2012, 04:29:31 PM »
I also don't think it's a slight.  Also, I want to add that for some people (like me!) having 50 cookies in the house is just an invitation to overeat so I always try to get them out of my house as quickly as possible.  It's not a reflection on the giver, but an indication of my lack of self-control.

Another good point I hadn't thought of! I'm glad I started this thread.

I think I made a wide variety of cookies, again, assuming people are like me. I have many allergies, so there are some things I automatically can't eat. And then there are other things I really prefer (chocolate) versus things I don't like much (plain sugar cookies) and so I think that getting one type of thing only, in a small amount, is limiting for the recipient. If I am the recipient. I was thinking of my eating habits, and only mine.

MayHug

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Re: Would you do this? Is it inconsiderate?
« Reply #42 on: December 12, 2012, 04:34:30 PM »
I too make cookies/candies for my neighbors at Christmas time. They don't generally reciprocate but that's fine they are mostly elderly.

Last year was kind of funny. One neighbor came over to ask if I had any extra because she was having family over the next day and needed more! lol

Lynn2000

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Re: Would you do this? Is it inconsiderate?
« Reply #43 on: December 12, 2012, 05:16:32 PM »
Additionally some people feel it is more polite to share a gift that they are given (to show how much they enjoy it) and others feel that the sharing shows that you don't enjoy it.

It is quite interesting how the same (good and decent) motivation "I want to be a good host" or "I want to demonstrate my appreciation for this gift" can lead to very different actions. 

I think the best is to assume that if someone treats an item differently than you would, just give it the best spin (within reason-if they are using your wine as a cleaning product, there is no kind way to take that-true story) and assume they are a saver or a sharer etc... and this is how they demonstrate their appreciation.

I think this is a good point. It's kind of like how in some cultures, if someone gives you a present you open it right away in front of them; and in others it's considered polite to take it home, unwrap it in private, and thank the giver later. The first time my co-worker did the latter with a gift we gave him, we were all kind of thrown, and thought maybe he felt uncomfortable receiving it or didn't want it or something. But then later he explained that it was his cultural tradition, and he was trying to show respect for our gift and be polite.

For the record, I wouldn't put out/bring to a gathering food I thought was horrible, like there was something actually wrong with it. But I might bring something that wasn't to my taste, in the hopes that other people would really like it, and it would fulfill its purpose and not go to waste. It's a delicate situation though I must admit.
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blarg314

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Re: Would you do this? Is it inconsiderate?
« Reply #44 on: December 12, 2012, 08:54:06 PM »

1-2 cookies a day per person doesn't sound like much.  But if you're getting food treats from at least three people (maybe more - there's relatives, friends and coworkers as well as neighbours), plus the stuff you bake or buy yourself, plus stuff served at holiday parties, or treats shared at work. That could add up to a *lot* of holiday treats to work your way through.