Stepping in to do the cooking

[yokozbornak]

I don't think this is anything to get upset about.  DH and I often cook together though so most dishes tend to be a team effort. Occasionally he adds stuff to my dishes, and I often add stuff to his!  I also don't think this situation is comparable to someone doctoring up your dish at a potluck or dinner party. 

[GratefulMaria]

Depends on context and the usual traffic.  Food prep is really relaxing and pleasant to both DH and me, so we're careful about who does what, and more careful about how.  As described by the OP, I'd probably be a bit tweaked.  It's a work flow thing to me, like if I were trying to format and print something, got up, and he asked if I'd hit print yet and did it himself when I said no.

[Giggity]

Why would that make you "livid"? That seems an extreme reaction.

[WillyNilly]

I don't think OP needed to be more clear.  Her husband asked if she put mushrooms in. "No" is perfectly clear.  Maybe she was making Parmesan risotto, or asparagus risotto, or maybe she was planning to add mushrooms but wanted to just make the dish herself.  The polite way to help someone - pretty much always - is to ask if you can help, not just step in and do.

[Aeris]

I don't think OP needed to be more clear.  Her husband asked if she put mushrooms in. "No" is perfectly clear.  Maybe she was making Parmesan risotto, or asparagus risotto, or maybe she was planning to add mushrooms but wanted to just make the dish herself.  The polite way to help someone - pretty much always - is to ask if you can help, not just step in and do.

So, it's possible he screwed up a little bit by making an assumption that mushrooms were going into the risotto. It still seems like 'livid' is a rather extreme overreaction.

[Sharnita]

The story leaves me really confused.  I can't imagine getting angry unless it was explicitly stated there wad no plan for mushrooms.

[WillyNilly]

I don't think OP needed to be more clear.  Her husband asked if she put mushrooms in. "No" is perfectly clear.  Maybe she was making Parmesan risotto, or asparagus risotto, or maybe she was planning to add mushrooms but wanted to just make the dish herself.  The polite way to help someone - pretty much always - is to ask if you can help, not just step in and do.

So, it's possible he screwed up a little bit by making an assumption that mushrooms were going into the risotto. It still seems like 'livid' is a rather extreme overreaction.

Maybe it was.  But then again it was dinner - maybe our OP was tired.  And maybe, being unaccustomed to making dinner daily, and it being risotto (a labor intensive dish) she was bit on edge.  Tired, overwhelmed but also excited and proud.  And then to have someone just come in and essentially walk all over her, to show no appreciation for her efforts, no gratefulness to her, just to push their way in and take over - that can be really, really dismissive and hurtful.  And to have spouse be so dismissive and ungrateful is a valid reason to be upset. 

I don't know if I personally would use the word "livid" but I won't fault the OP here - her DH was the rude one and I think she did nothing wrong and see no reason  to focus on her choice of negative word to describe her reaction.

[DottyG]

The story leaves me really confused.  I can't imagine getting angry unless it was explicitly stated there wad no plan for mushrooms.

Gotta admit - I'm in agreement with this.  I can't see being "livid" about this at all.  In fact, I can't even see being really even all that miffed.  It doesn't seem like that big of a transgression to me.

Plus, when the OP saw the mushrooms being chopped, why didn't she say something then?  A simple "oh, I wasn't going to put them in this time" when they were being taken out of the fridge would have eliminated the whole problem.

I'm a bit confused by the amount of outrage on this one, I'm afraid.

[BatCity]

OP here.  Sorry about the late reply.  I had a long lunch meeting and just got back to check eHell...er...get back to work.

I do like mushrooms, but I wasn't planning to add them because it was the first time I'd made risotto in a long time and wanted to make a basic recipe.  As for him helping, in our household we never cook together, mostly because we're both Mr. and Mrs. Bossypants. 

I had stepped away to another room when he chopped the mushrooms and was just coming back in when he added them.  And I'm going to agree with WillyNilly.  I was tired, proud of my accomplishment, and a bit out of my element, and what he did made me feel insulted.

Now that I read the comments, I can see how it can be confusing as the etiquette of these little interactions can vary depending on the dynamic. 

[CaptainObvious]

OP here.  Sorry about the late reply.  I had a long lunch meeting and just got back to check eHell...er...get back to work.

I do like mushrooms, but I wasn't planning to add them because it was the first time I'd made risotto in a long time and wanted to make a basic recipe.  As for him helping, in our household we never cook together, mostly because we're both Mr. and Mrs. Bossypants. 

I had stepped away to another room when he chopped the mushrooms and was just coming back in when he added them.  And I'm going to agree with WillyNilly.  I was tired, proud of my accomplishment, and a bit out of my element, and what he did made me feel insulted.

Now that I read the comments, I can see how it can be confusing as the etiquette of these little interactions can vary depending on the dynamic.

Is it possible that he confused your no, for a "not yet", instead of a "no, I'm not adding them"?

[Aeris]

OP here.  Sorry about the late reply.  I had a long lunch meeting and just got back to check eHell...er...get back to work.

I do like mushrooms, but I wasn't planning to add them because it was the first time I'd made risotto in a long time and wanted to make a basic recipe.  As for him helping, in our household we never cook together, mostly because we're both Mr. and Mrs. Bossypants. 

I had stepped away to another room when he chopped the mushrooms and was just coming back in when he added them.  And I'm going to agree with WillyNilly.  I was tired, proud of my accomplishment, and a bit out of my element, and what he did made me feel insulted.

Now that I read the comments, I can see how it can be confusing as the etiquette of these little interactions can vary depending on the dynamic.

Thanks for clarifying.

I think the importance of dynamic cannot be overstated. Frankly, etiquette just doesn't really apply to most intimate friendships/relationships, because by definition these relationships create their own unique sets of expectations, rules, and subtext to every interaction.

I think the fact that you describe yourselves as Mr. and Mrs. Bossypants is the root of the issue here. If you two have to be very careful about boundaries and who is in ownership over a particular project, then the kind of blurring in your OP carries with it a ton of subtext a lot of people aren't going to automatically relate to.

My parents have a related issue, and if my father "helps" with anything technological my mother becomes irate (and she's the most easygoing, sweet, softspoken person I know). It doesn't make sense to anyone who doesn't understand their relationship pretty well.

[JenJay]

It all comes down to intent. My DH and I frequently plan meals together and cook together. He'd have a good idea of what recipe I wanted to use, what ingredients I was adding, etc. In my case, if he added something, most likely he'd be helping me out and I wouldn't mind at all.

That said, sometimes I will have added a dash of this and a pinch of that and he'll come over and add a few shakes more without tasting it first because when he makes that dish that's how much he uses. Sometimes that annoys me because I feel like "Well good for you, but so what? You could have at least tastes mine before deciding you could improve it, thankyouverymuch!"

It sounds like you and your DH plan meals and cook separately so I can appreciate that his gesture felt like "Let me fix this for you." and I wouldn't like that, either.

Our rule is "I cook, you clean." Maybe you two need a rule, too - "I cook, you keep your hands to your dang self." 

[camlan]

OP here.  Sorry about the late reply.  I had a long lunch meeting and just got back to check eHell...er...get back to work.

I do like mushrooms, but I wasn't planning to add them because it was the first time I'd made risotto in a long time and wanted to make a basic recipe.  As for him helping, in our household we never cook together, mostly because we're both Mr. and Mrs. Bossypants. 

I had stepped away to another room when he chopped the mushrooms and was just coming back in when he added them.  And I'm going to agree with WillyNilly.  I was tired, proud of my accomplishment, and a bit out of my element, and what he did made me feel insulted.

Now that I read the comments, I can see how it can be confusing as the etiquette of these little interactions can vary depending on the dynamic.

That's how I interpreted the OP. BatCity chose a dish to prepare for dinner, one that has several variations. The dish is more or less complete and Mr. BatCity came home. He asked if one specific ingredient had been added; BatCity said no.

Then Mr. BatCity decided he wanted to change the dish and added the mushrooms. Honestly, I'd have been upset. Maybe not livid, but upset at what I would see as an unspoken criticism of the dinner I had just prepared, one that took a lot of work. It's not like the risotto was inedible without the mushrooms. I can certainly see how the OP felt insulted.

The way his behavior read to me, it was along the lines of, "Well, I like mushrooms in my risotto, so I'm putting some in." Without asking the cook, or checking to see if there was a reason why mushrooms weren't added, like maybe they were in another dish.

[QueenofAllThings]

I am in the cook in our house (except for one dish - more on that later). I make  what I make. You do NOT modify it. You may make a request or express an opinion, but you do not alter the dish. I would get highly annoyed  - it's presumptive and insulting.

Now, the King makes amazing sauce. Fantastic! I would never presume to add to it (or anything else he makes). You just don't do that to a cook unless you are asked for help.

[mrs_deb]

I would have been upset and irritated as well.  If I'm cooking, I'm cooking.  What I'm making, the way I'm making it, isn't good enough for you?