Re: Letting an adult "suffer the consequences" UPDATE Pg. 8

[suzieQ]

I think that, as soon as FIL starts saying something, your cousin or her husband need to say, "Taylor, Grandpa's just joking lying. He isn't actually going to take you to do fun thing.". The child isn't too young to learn that she can't take Grandpa seriously.

If your cousin isn't willing to limit her FIL's access to Taylor, then I really think the only thing your cousin can do is make sure to teach her daughter not to believe Grandpa when he makes fun promises.

Fixed that for you. He isn't doing this to provoke laughter, it's not funny in any way. I would seriously limit the time FIL spends with Taylor. Like, he could spend time until he starts that - then I would immediately take Taylor and leave.

[camlan]

Grandpa is a bully. And he's not picking on someone his own size.

I can understand why the parents and grandmother let him deal with the consequences of his behavior--they are focused on getting Grandpa to stop teasing poor little Taylor this way. And dealing with the consequences of one's actions is one of the ways to do this.

But Grandpa seems to be too stubborn and too set in his ways to change. And it is very difficult to get someone to change, when they don't see anything wrong with their behavior.

So I agree, time to stop focusing on Grandpa and start "Grandpa-proofing" Taylor.

[cheyne]

FIL and MIL are staying for the weekend in Annette's home?  I would get someone to watch Taylor for a couple of hours, sit down with PIL's and hash this out.  Both MIL and FIL need to be told in no uncertain terms that Taylor will not be lied to and tormented.  My apologies to those who don't agree, but FIL is flat-out lying to Taylor and needs to be called on it yesterday.  Since this has happened numerous times, one has to wonder what FIL is getting out of this.

How dare these "grandparents" use the hospitality of Annette and DH and then abuse their daughter?  If FIL did this even once more after the talk, they would be banned from visiting my home.  If MIL wants to see Taylor, she can take a more active role in dealing with FIL.

[Venus193]

I vote for walking out (the door) the second this starts up.  It's obvious that Grandpa gets a kick out of this and it's time to spoil his fun.

Grandma also needs to be on board with this.  I am shocked that she lets him get away with this.

ETA:  If the grandparents are staying over this needs to be addressed before they get there.  I also recommend that Annette and her husband tell them in no uncertain terms that they will be told in no uncertain terms to leave if this happens.

[Sophia]

And why is Grandpa still allowed to see Taylor? 

The consequences would be FIL shoved forcibly out the door and the good-bye would be "You are Dead to me."  And, "You are a cruel, big, fat liar!" would be said beforehand and in the child's hearing. 

[LeveeWoman]

And why is Grandpa still allowed to see Taylor? 

The consequences would be FIL shoved forcibly out the door and the good-bye would be "You are Dead to me."  And, "You are a cruel, big, fat liar!" would be said beforehand and in the child's hearing.

DITTO!!!!!!!!!!

[MrTango]

And why is Grandpa still allowed to see Taylor? 

The consequences would be FIL shoved forcibly out the door and the good-bye would be "You are Dead to me."  And, "You are a cruel, big, fat liar!" would be said beforehand and in the child's hearing. 

This would be both assault and retaliatory rudeness.

Far better would be to tell him to leave in a cold, civil manner without resorting to insults.

[Fleur]

This is a shocking, cruel story, and I say this as someone who isn't all that fond of children! This poor child needs to be protected from her horrid grampa, stat.  What kind of person pulls these stunts?

[BarensMom]

And why is Grandpa still allowed to see Taylor? 

The consequences would be FIL shoved forcibly out the door and the good-bye would be "You are Dead to me."  And, "You are a cruel, big, fat liar!" would be said beforehand and in the child's hearing. 

This would be both assault and retaliatory rudeness.

Far better would be to tell him to leave in a cold, civil manner without resorting to insults.

Minus the shoving, I think FIL's behavior has gone past the point of deserving polite behavior from Taylor's parents.  Perhaps calling him a big fat liar while telling him to leave would give him the clue by four he so desperately deserves.

[MrTango]

And why is Grandpa still allowed to see Taylor? 

The consequences would be FIL shoved forcibly out the door and the good-bye would be "You are Dead to me."  And, "You are a cruel, big, fat liar!" would be said beforehand and in the child's hearing. 

This would be both assault and retaliatory rudeness.

Far better would be to tell him to leave in a cold, civil manner without resorting to insults.

Minus the shoving, I think FIL's behavior has gone past the point of deserving polite behavior from Taylor's parents.  Perhaps calling him a big fat liar while telling him to leave would give him the clue by four he so desperately deserves.

The reason I disagree is that getting rid of grandfather in a cold, civil manner would provide a good example to the little girl of how to deal with difficult people in the future.

[rashea]

I think before he visits again it's worth telling him that doing this again will result in loss of privileges. It might also be worth reminding him that the child is 4 and doesn't have a fully developed sense of humor (not that this would be funny to me, and I'm 30). If FIL is someone who might be interested, I would refer him to a few articles about the development of humor: http://www.scholastic.com/teachers/article/ages-stages-don39t-forget-laugh-importance-humor.

[dawbs]

And why is Grandpa still allowed to see Taylor? 

The consequences would be FIL shoved forcibly out the door and the good-bye would be "You are Dead to me."  And, "You are a cruel, big, fat liar!" would be said beforehand and in the child's hearing. 

This would be both assault and retaliatory rudeness.

Far better would be to tell him to leave in a cold, civil manner without resorting to insults.

Minus the shoving, I think FIL's behavior has gone past the point of deserving polite behavior from Taylor's parents.  Perhaps calling him a big fat liar while telling him to leave would give him the clue by four he so desperately deserves.

The reason I disagree is that getting rid of grandfather in a cold, civil manner would provide a good example to the little girl of how to deal with difficult people in the future.

One could argue that "we don't allow people to torture us for fun" is a good lesson on how to deal w/ difficult people.

BUT, on the other side of that, I had a grandfather not a lot different than the grandfather in the story.
I was 7ish when I got my ears pierced and he (he had 'kinda' been a pastor years before--long story) told me "you can't go to heaven now, if God had wanted you to have holes in your ears, you would have been born with them".
By age 7, I knew that grandfather was a teaser/liar/challenging person and I didn't believe him and  just turned on my little heel and told my mom.  (who pulled him aside, read him the riot act again, but didn't kick him out that time because she didn't want me to feel punished for 'telling'--FTR, he didn't believe what he was saying or that may have been handled differently).

But, honestly, even though my story had a nice implied 'you're going to hell' lesson in it, it seems less mean than "sure, you can go to disney with us...oh wait, HAHAHAHAHA"

I think I'd also get grandfather these for christmas:  http://www.stupid.com/fake-lottery-tickets.html

[*new*mommyagain36]

I would be strictly limiting the amount of time Taylor spends with her Grandfather.
It's not a trick, it's not a joke.  It's sick, mean and ridiculous.  Taylor's parents should not be subjecting their child to the whims of this person.
My ex-MIL pulled similar stunts with my son.  She would buy him gifts and after he unwrapped them she would announce that the presents weren't really "his" and they had to stay at her house.
On his 4th birthday we were all gathered at her house and she attempted to pull this stunt in front of 40 people.  My son went off, throwing the gifts at her - a crying, screaming melt down.  We gathered ourselves together and left, telling the entire house full of people exactly why son had reacted that way.  On the ride home we told son that we didn't know why Gran acted that way but that it wasn't right for her to do that to him.  He was not in trouble with us.
We then ignored ex-MIL phone calls and did not talk or visit with her for almost 6 months.  She finally apologized for her actions in an email.  And guess what?  She never did that again.  She gave him a lot less gifts but he was "allowed" to take them all home.

[camlan]

My dad told me that he played a similar "joke" on an older brother of mine once.

The key word is once. Dad had the brains to see how how my brother reacted and never, ever did that again. And he wouldn't let my uncle, who had the same warped sense of humor that Dad did, do it either.

Some people can learn from their mistakes. Others can't. Clearly, this FIL not only can't learn, but he thinks it is funny to make a child cry.

[Isisnin]

I would be strictly limiting the amount of time Taylor spends with her Grandfather.
It's not a trick, it's not a joke.  It's sick, mean and ridiculous.  Taylor's parents should not be subjecting their child to the whims of this person.

.....(edited for length)...

 We gathered ourselves together and left, telling the entire house full of people exactly why son had reacted that way.  On the ride home we told son that we didn't know why Gran acted that way but that it wasn't right for her to do that to him.  He was not in trouble with us.
We then ignored ex-MIL phone calls and did not talk or visit with her for almost 6 months.  She finally apologized for her actions in an email.  And guess what?  She never did that again.  She gave him a lot less gifts but he was "allowed" to take them all home.

This.  Grandpa needs to know and suffer the consequences of his actions.  Visits end when he does this cruelty.  Possibly too he can't see the family until he apologizes as Mommyagain36 illustrates.  I had an elderly relative who liked to make mean jokes about someone when she wasn't around.  I warned him to stop or I'd walk out.  He didn't.  I walked.  He apologized and never did it again.

People can change.  They may have to be forced, but they can change.