Re: Letting an adult "suffer the consequences" UPDATE Pg. 8

[AfleetAlex]

POD what everyone else is saying. Time to remove Taylor from FIL's vicinity the minute he opens his mouth.

As an aside, I can just hear him now - when Taylor gets older, a bewildered FIL will wonder aloud why she doesn't like him. 

[Amava]

I'm glad so many people answered already, because I don't even know where to begin with this one.

I'm just too astounded that anyone would get his fun from being so mean to a little child, or to anyone for that matter.

Why do people find so much fun in deliberately upsetting others? 

I really think I'm in the camp of "keep her away from her if he doesn't drop this miserable parlour trick." You don't have to subject her to this. Family or not.

[Outdoor Girl]

I think I'd also get grandfather these for Christmas:  http://www.stupid.com/fake-lottery-tickets.html

This was my thought, too.  Give him a taste of his own medicine.  Even better, have it come from Taylor.  But I guess that would be considered retaliatory rudeness.

I agree with the others who say it is time for frank discussion with FIL and MIL and let them know that if he pulls this stunt again, he is no longer welcome to spend any time with Taylor.  And if MIL is collateral damage, so be it.

[Girlie]

Put me in the camp for "preparing Taylor."

It is possible that Grandpa isn't learning from his mistakes because he honestly doesn't think he's making one. If he really thinks the problem is that Taylor needs to learn to stop throwing tantrums, he's probably never going to see that it is his purposeful "teasing" that is the cause.

That being said, I think the best course of action would be to use the aforementioned warnings to Taylor that "Grandpa is a tricker," (I even like the use of that word. ) It should be explained to Taylor what that means. Taylor, remember that Grandpa is a tricker. He likes to tell you that he's going to take you places but he doesn't really mean it. Don't let him upset you."

Then, when Grandpa starts up, break in and remind Taylor that Grandpa is, indeed, a tricker.

Handling it in that manner gives the child the tools to learn that 1. Not everyone says stuff that is true, 2. You can't always get upset when people lie, or "trick" you, and 3. Grandpa, for one, is not to be trusted.

[MommyPenguin]

Honestly, I'd use the word liar.  In front of Grandpa.  I think that would get him to understand that when he's saying things like that, he's lying, and to a child.  If he tried to protest, I'd say, "Oh, so you *were* going to take her to Very Special Place?"  When he says no, he was just joking, then, "Do you see anybody laughing?  Does Taylor seem to think you're funny?  Jokes should make people laugh, not cry.  When your "jokes" make people cry, then it's just bullying, and it's plain mean."  I think he needs a harsh wakeup call, because it's obvious that this has been addressed over and over without him making any change.  And Taylor needs to hear that he's a liar.  She needs to be prepped ahead of time, and reminded as he's saying it as well.

My father liked to sometimes joke, when leaving from a visit, about hiding the kids in his suitcase or car to take them home.  He'd joke like that to me when the kids were babies.  But when they got bigger, they thought he was serious and they'd run to get their stuff.  When he realized that they didn't understand that he was joking and that he couldn't really do it, he apologized profusely, both to them and me, told them that he'd *love* to take them home but that they had important stuff to do with Mommy and he had things to do that he couldn't take kids to, but that he loved them and couldn't wait to see them again.  *That's* how an adult who accidentally makes such a joke handles it.  This FIL is way out of line.

[2littlemonkeys]

That is so MEAN!   

What a (redacted.) And a (deleted.)  And a (omitted.)

I agree with the PPs who think if the parents aren't willing to limit the time spent with this person, then they need to call him on it the moment it starts happening and then end the visit.  Say something like "Taylor, Grandpa is lying to you again.  Since that isn't at all nice, FIL, you need to go home now." or leave themselves if they're not at their own home.

That poor kid.      

[SamiHami]

I think I'd also get grandfather these for Christmas:  http://www.stupid.com/fake-lottery-tickets.html

This was my thought, too.  Give him a taste of his own medicine.  Even better, have it come from Taylor.  But I guess that would be considered retaliatory rudeness.

I agree with the others who say it is time for frank discussion with FIL and MIL and let them know that if he pulls this stunt again, he is no longer welcome to spend any time with Taylor.  And if MIL is collateral damage, so be it.

I was actually thinking along similar lines, but my thought was fake superbowl tickets (if that's something he'd get excited about). I don't think it would be impolite or retaliatory rudeness to do this; he has already established that to him, this is something humorous to do to someone else. Therefore, you would simply be playing a funny joke, as defined by him-on him. If that doesn't drive the point him I don't know what would.

[rose red]

"We're going to have another baby!"  "Just kidding!"

Seriously, they need to keep him away from the kid until he shape up.  If MIL has to suffer the consequences too, then maybe she'll finally do something about her husband. 

[HoneyBee42]

"Taylor, Grandpa is lying to you right now.  It's a very mean thing to do.  I know you would like [insert whatever he is promising here], but he's lying about it.  Grandpa, please apologize to Taylor for being mean to her.  That wasn't a nice thing to do."

Then stand there expecting an apology until he gives one.  If he's going to act like a toddler, he should be treated like one.  And if he wants to stand and argue "I was just teasing!," he should have to do that in front of Taylor too.  (Bonus points if she then asks him point-blank something like "Why were you being mean, Grandpa?")

I have to agree with this--he's not teasing, tricking, or some other dodge around it--he is lying to a child for no other reason than pure meanness (not sick/twisted sense of humor or any other dodge around it), and it should be dealt with head-on in plain, simple language.  And he owes his granddaughter an apology.

On the other hand, if I were the parent, it'd be my hill to die on, and even if the grandmother lost privileges too, his behavior is such that he deserves to be removed from the child's life.  Or at least Taylor deserves not to have such deliberate unpleasantness as a part of her life.

[bopper]

This is called Logical Consequences. If he does not like the consequences of having to calm down a screaming toddler, he should stop the action.  Also I would keep him away from Taylor, which is another logical consequence.

It may be that he wants to interact with Taylor but doesn't really know how but his current method.

[Nuala]

*I suggested limiting FIL's time with Taylor until he can be trusted to behave like an adult, but Annette and Todd are unwilling to limit MIL's time with Taylor.  It's unlikely that MIL would be able to visit without FIL.

I think they should bring this up with FIL. He doesn't get it that his behavior is wrong, but maybe the consequence of keeping his wife from her granddaughter would make an impression on him.

[MrTango]

*I suggested limiting FIL's time with Taylor until he can be trusted to behave like an adult, but Annette and Todd are unwilling to limit MIL's time with Taylor.  It's unlikely that MIL would be able to visit without FIL.

I think they should bring this up with FIL. He doesn't get it that his behavior is wrong, but maybe the consequence of keeping his wife from her granddaughter would make an impression on him.

Another thing to consider:

It may not be fair to Grandma if she isn't able to see her granddaughter because her husband is emotionally abusive.

On the other hand, it's most certainly not fair to subject the girl to her grandfather's emotional abuse.

It might be helpful for the OP to frame it this way for her friends so they can see that they may be faced with a situation where they need to choose the lesser of two evils.

[Winterlight]

*I suggested limiting FIL's time with Taylor until he can be trusted to behave like an adult, but Annette and Todd are unwilling to limit MIL's time with Taylor.  It's unlikely that MIL would be able to visit without FIL.

I think they should bring this up with FIL. He doesn't get it that his behavior is wrong, but maybe the consequence of keeping his wife from her granddaughter would make an impression on him.

Another thing to consider:

It may not be fair to Grandma if she isn't able to see her granddaughter because her husband is emotionally abusive.

On the other hand, it's most certainly not fair to subject the girl to her grandfather's emotional abuse.

It might be helpful for the OP to frame it this way for her friends so they can see that they may be faced with a situation where they need to choose the lesser of two evils.

Agreed. Also, it might inspire Grandma to make it clear to him how not OK this is and how angry he's making her- because if I was being cut off from my grandchild because my husband was being a dolt, I'd be furious.

[Jones]

Anyone else have an image in their head of little Taylor saying, quite solemnly, "Grampa, you are a mean liar an' I don't wanna play anymore" next time he pulls this?

[BeagleMommy]

This isn't teasing; it's torture.  He is not going to learn until he is cut off from Taylor.  If Grandma is collateral damage...so be it.

Be prepared for him to lob the old "You're/she's being too sensitive" at the parents.  That's the usual response that bullies try.