Family Party. Please bring mac and cheese

[Surianne]

Yes, I understood that -- she brought a fully made salad (which is why Aeris' question about the salad confuses me), and a box of mac and cheese.  As I said in my post, I agree with previous posters who noted that it may have been a misunderstanding and thinking she was just asked to pick up a box, rather than that the mac and cheese was her contribution of a fully cooked dish to the dinner.  (Her dish being salad; picking up the box of mac and cheese being an extra favour she was asked to do.)

Also, Aeris' two examples -- a salad and a pie -- are things that can be pretty easily made at home and transported still tasting good.  A few posters have said this isn't as easy with mac and cheese.   I know that as a non-mac and cheese eater, I wouldn't have a clue how to do it!

So I think there are enough totally plausible reasons here to not see the sister as being a jerk about the dinner on purpose, especially since she did make the salad in advance.  It's not like she didn't contribute anything at all.  Why assume rudeness?

Because she agreed to contribute a dish that she did not contribute.

If she had been clueless about mac'n'cheese and its transportability, one would think she would have simply made it at home and transported it, unaware that it didn't taste optimal. If however she'd had concerns about its transportability, the appropriate responses would have been either to 1) raise the concern with the host or 2) arrange to prepare the dish she'd been asked to prepare on location. In no way is it acceptable to simply decide not to prepare the dish you've been asked to (and agreed to) prepare.

No reasonable person hears "Could you bring <dish> to the family dinner?" and thinks that bringing the unprepared ingredients right at meal time is a correct interpretation. Just like you wouldn't bring a bag of flour, a stick of butter, and a few uncut apples - because it's an absurd response.

Aeris, I've already stated that I'm done debating this with you, and I thought I did so politely.  Telling me that no reasonable person would share my opinion and throwing around words like "absurd" isn't helpful.   

[rose red]

It is easy to say you don't want to bring mac and cheese and will bring salad instead, which is why I also think there was a communication misunderstanding somewhere.  If SIL was trying to make a point, it would be more obvious.  Even the OP is confused.  After all, wouldn't SIL's own husband say something to prevent his family looking bad (if being PA was the intention?). 

[Giggity]

And honestly, some people do not know how to make home made mac and cheese.  (My SIL included.)

The prevalence of Google renders this an implausible defense, to me.

[dawbs]

And honestly, some people do not know how to make home made mac and cheese.  (My SIL included.)

The prevalence of Google renders this an implausible defense, to me.

I've never made 'home made' mac and cheese (I don't like it enough to bother)--I sure as shooting wouldn't bring, to serve to guests, an untried googled recipe.

[TurtleDove]

And honestly, some people do not know how to make home made mac and cheese.  (My SIL included.)

The prevalence of Google renders this an implausible defense, to me.

Some people simply do not enjoy cooking, and frankly, why would anyone want to eat something cooked by someone uncomfortable with the whole thing?

I still think this has to be about something other than the box of mac and cheese.  This would not even register on my radar, unless there is some backstory the OP is not telling us.

[Giggity]

I just don't see "I don't know how" as a reasonable counter to a request to do something easy. Making mac and cheese isn't the same as giving a home perm or repairing brakes.

[Yvaine]

And honestly, some people do not know how to make home made mac and cheese.  (My SIL included.)

The prevalence of Google renders this an implausible defense, to me.

Some people simply do not enjoy cooking, and frankly, why would anyone want to eat something cooked by someone uncomfortable with the whole thing?

I still think this has to be about something other than the box of mac and cheese.  This would not even register on my radar, unless there is some backstory the OP is not telling us.

So if you're the hostess, and you ask someone to bring xyz food, and they give you the impression they're going to bring it--mind you, she probably should have just said no and offered to bring something else, but assuming she says yes--you'd be OK with her showing up right at mealtime with the raw ingredients and asking you to cook it? You wouldn't feel put-upon? 

[TurtleDove]

I just don't see "I don't know how" as a reasonable counter to a request to do something easy. Making mac and cheese isn't the same as giving a home perm or repairing brakes.

I can make boxed mac and cheese.  I have never attempted any other sort of mac and cheese.  If people want homemade mac and cheese (which is what your earlier comment was about) and insist that I make it, that seems really strange to me.  Cooking may be easy to you.  It causes me significant anxiety which is why I don't do it.  Not all people enjoy cooking, and I still don't understand why you would want someone who doesn't know how to cook to cook you something. 

[Yvaine]

I just don't see "I don't know how" as a reasonable counter to a request to do something easy. Making mac and cheese isn't the same as giving a home perm or repairing brakes.

I can make boxed mac and cheese.  I have never attempted any other sort of mac and cheese.  If people want homemade mac and cheese (which is what your earlier comment was about) and insist that I make it, that seems really strange to me.  Cooking may be easy to you.  It causes me significant anxiety which is why I don't do it.  Not all people enjoy cooking, and I still don't understand why you would want someone who doesn't know how to cook to cook you something.

Nobody is demanding homemade, non-boxed mac and cheese--they're saying that if it's your contribution to the potluck, make it yourself rather than dumping it on the hostess at the last minute. Or say NO if you don't want to cook it at all, and bring something uncooked or store-bought.

[TurtleDove]

So if you're the hostess, and you ask someone to bring xyz food, and they give you the impression they're going to bring it--mind you, she probably should have just said no and offered to bring something else, but assuming she says yes--you'd be OK with her showing up right at mealtime with the raw ingredients and asking you to cook it? You wouldn't feel put-upon?

I would never do any of the things mentioned in the OP, but again, this would not even register to me.  I truly do not care about food, especially at the expense of a human relationship.  If this is about something deeper, I would address the something deeper. Otherwise I would laugh it off (but again, I have never asked someone to bring something specific to anything I have hosted and I really would not care about this kind of thing).

[TurtleDove]

I just don't see "I don't know how" as a reasonable counter to a request to do something easy. Making mac and cheese isn't the same as giving a home perm or repairing brakes.

I can make boxed mac and cheese.  I have never attempted any other sort of mac and cheese.  If people want homemade mac and cheese (which is what your earlier comment was about) and insist that I make it, that seems really strange to me.  Cooking may be easy to you.  It causes me significant anxiety which is why I don't do it.  Not all people enjoy cooking, and I still don't understand why you would want someone who doesn't know how to cook to cook you something.

Nobody is demanding homemade, non-boxed mac and cheese--they're saying that if it's your contribution to the potluck, make it yourself rather than dumping it on the hostess at the last minute. Or say NO if you don't want to cook it at all, and bring something uncooked or store-bought.

I never disagreed with this.  I was responding to a comment that everyone can make homemade mac and cheese.

[Giggity]

All I'm sayin is, with ingredients and material, just about everyone CAN in fact make it. Whether they WANT to is, of course, a different animal.

Mac and cheese is not crown rack of lamb.

Don't say "I can't" when you mean "I don't want to." If you don't want to, own it and say you don't want to. It's even cool to say, "My kitchen isn't fitted for that." But that's not the same as "I can't."

Words mean things.

[WillyNilly]

You know for the record, we don't know if SIL did actually say she would prefer to not bring the mac & cheese.  We are getting the story second hand.  OP saw she brought a box and knew the mother had asked SIL to bring it, but we don't know exactly how the exchange went down.  Maybe the mother wasn't clear she wanted it made, and SIL thought it was a back-up, just in case, have on hand item, or maybe the mother asked for it and didn't hear or understand SIL saying she'd rather bring a salad as mac & cheese doesn't  transport well.  Everyone wants to blame SIL as so rude, but honestly it was pretty darn obnoxious for the "host" to request it of someone for a potluck. People are supposed to get to choose what they want to bring. So the only absolutely known rudeness was on the mother, any perceived rudeness of SIL is just that: perceived.

I just don't see "I don't know how" as a reasonable counter to a request to do something easy. Making mac and cheese isn't the same as giving a home perm or repairing brakes.

Honestly mac & cheese costs less then $2 and takes 10-15 minutes to make, but it doesn't keep well.  Clearly the SIL wanted to bring green salad (and she did, fully made).  If mac & cheese is so gosh darn easy to make then what is the big issue with SIL bringing the box unmade?  If its easy for her to make and transport, its easy for the host to make in her own kitchen no transport required.

[rose red]

Words mean things.

Yes.  And we don't know what words were said to SIL.

[lowspark]

You know for the record, we don't know if SIL did actually say she would prefer to not bring the mac & cheese.  We are getting the story second hand.  OP saw she brought a box and knew the mother had asked SIL to bring it, but we don't know exactly how the exchange went down.  Maybe the mother wasn't clear she wanted it made, and SIL thought it was a back-up, just in case, have on hand item, or maybe the mother asked for it and didn't hear or understand SIL saying she'd rather bring a salad as mac & cheese doesn't  transport well.  Everyone wants to blame SIL as so rude, but honestly it was pretty darn obnoxious for the "host" to request it of someone for a potluck. People are supposed to get to choose what they want to bring. So the only absolutely known rudeness was on the mother, any perceived rudeness of SIL is just that: perceived.

I just don't see "I don't know how" as a reasonable counter to a request to do something easy. Making mac and cheese isn't the same as giving a home perm or repairing brakes.

Honestly mac & cheese costs less then $2 and takes 10-15 minutes to make, but it doesn't keep well.  Clearly the SIL wanted to bring green salad (and she did, fully made).  If mac & cheese is so gosh darn easy to make then what is the big issue with SIL bringing the box unmade?  If its easy for her to make and transport, its easy for the host to make in her own kitchen no transport required.

Regarding the bolded above, to be fair, we really don't know that either since we weren't privvy to the actual conversation between Mother & SIL.

What if SIL said, "hey what can I bring?" and Mom said, "mac & cheese for the kiddies".
Then Mom's not rude.

And this is the exact reason I don't ask that question anymore. Once I asked that question and the host gave me a specific assignment for something that I wasn't all that keen on making. But hey, I asked. So I brought what she asked for. Now I don't say, "what can I bring?". I say, "I can bring xyz dish" or "I can bring an appetizer" or something like that.

A lot of speculation going on in this thread (me included) and until the OP comes back to clarify, I'm not sure we can draw any real conclusions. My impression (as I said way earlier on in this thread) is that it was a P/A move on SIL's part because bringing an unmade box just seems so much weirder than just not bringing mac & cheese in any form at all. Whether my impression is correct or not depends entirely on facts which have not yet been revealed.