Author Topic: I liked it...so I took it  (Read 4246 times)

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Hmmmmm

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Re: I liked it...so I took it
« Reply #15 on: December 13, 2012, 01:32:27 PM »
Why tell me that you knew dingdangity well that you were taking a photo that wasn't yours? Why not leave it to DH to explain to me what happened to the photo?

Your DH let her have the photo.  If he didn't want her to have it, HE should've spoken up at the time.  He's letting this happen - he's got to be on board with change before it's going to have any effect on your MIL.

This.  MIL knew it was perfectly possible to have another copy made for her OR for you.  Since she wanted a copy why not take that one instead of you having to bring a different one by?    MIL had no idea that the frame was part of a set.  During the exchange only your DH knew that her taking THAT copy would impact your plans. 

To me, this is a lot more on your DH than your MIL. 

Miss Unleaded

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Re: I liked it...so I took it
« Reply #16 on: December 13, 2012, 01:50:36 PM »
Why tell me that you knew dingdangity well that you were taking a photo that wasn't yours? Why not leave it to DH to explain to me what happened to the photo?

Your DH let her have the photo.  If he didn't want her to have it, HE should've spoken up at the time.  He's letting this happen - he's got to be on board with change before it's going to have any effect on your MIL.

This.  MIL knew it was perfectly possible to have another copy made for her OR for you.  Since she wanted a copy why not take that one instead of you having to bring a different one by?    MIL had no idea that the frame was part of a set.  During the exchange only your DH knew that her taking THAT copy would impact your plans. 

To me, this is a lot more on your DH than your MIL.

Well, I think it's pretty equally on both. 

I would never assume I could help myself to a framed photo of a family member.  An unframed one, possibly (I would ask first), but not a framed photograph. Yes, DH should have said no but from the update it seems like MIL has her family under the thumb a bit and they don't stand up to her. I think Toots has it totally to rights when she says that MIL is testing the waters with her daughter in law.

OP, you need to start drawing boundaries, asap.  And get your DH on your side.

RegionMom

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Re: I liked it...so I took it
« Reply #17 on: December 13, 2012, 01:57:26 PM »

"I saw the (name an item) and liked it, so I took it.  After all, you can always buy/make another!"

Sounds like what a shoplifter or petty thief could say to justify their actions.  Yes, DH should have addressed her then and there, but it is the attitude that bothers me.
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TurtleDove

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Re: I liked it...so I took it
« Reply #18 on: December 13, 2012, 02:06:25 PM »
I would never assume I could help myself to a framed photo of a family member.  An unframed one, possibly (I would ask first), but not a framed photograph. Yes, DH should have said no but from the update it seems like MIL has her family under the thumb a bit and they don't stand up to her. I think Toots has it totally to rights when she says that MIL is testing the waters with her daughter in law.

OP, you need to start drawing boundaries, asap.  And get your DH on your side.

I wouldn't bring a framed photograph to a family member's home without the intention of it being for them.  I don't see how the OP is involved in this at all, unless I misread it.  This is a matter of DH 1) not being clear in the first place and 2) for some reason refusing to be clear when it became obvious the mother intended to keep the photograph.

I don't think it is at all presumptuous for a grandmother to assume it is fine to keep a photograph of her grandchild brought into her house, especially when she is never told she is not able to do so.  Everything about this situation is odd to me.

TootsNYC

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Re: I liked it...so I took it
« Reply #19 on: December 13, 2012, 02:16:50 PM »

I don't think it is at all presumptuous for a grandmother to assume it is fine to keep a photograph of her grandchild brought into her house, especially when she is never told she is not able to do so. 

But the OP's entire point is that the follow-up phone call made it clear that the grandma knew the photo wasn't specifically for her. And kept it anyway.

TurtleDove

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Re: I liked it...so I took it
« Reply #20 on: December 13, 2012, 02:18:45 PM »

I don't think it is at all presumptuous for a grandmother to assume it is fine to keep a photograph of her grandchild brought into her house, especially when she is never told she is not able to do so. 

But the OP's entire point is that the follow-up phone call made it clear that the grandma knew the photo wasn't specifically for her. And kept it anyway.

I didn't see where either the OP or her DH asked her to give it back.

TootsNYC

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Re: I liked it...so I took it
« Reply #21 on: December 13, 2012, 02:29:41 PM »
Exactly!

And in a way the MIL *was* deliberately creating an opportunity for the OP, who wouldn't have been there to object in the moment, to ask for it back after all.

And she should do so.

In a way, the MIL is *asking* for boundaries. The OP should assert them.

Miss Unleaded

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Re: I liked it...so I took it
« Reply #22 on: December 13, 2012, 02:38:33 PM »
I would never assume I could help myself to a framed photo of a family member.  An unframed one, possibly (I would ask first), but not a framed photograph. Yes, DH should have said no but from the update it seems like MIL has her family under the thumb a bit and they don't stand up to her. I think Toots has it totally to rights when she says that MIL is testing the waters with her daughter in law.

OP, you need to start drawing boundaries, asap.  And get your DH on your side.

I wouldn't bring a framed photograph to a family member's home without the intention of it being for them.  I don't see how the OP is involved in this at all, unless I misread it.  This is a matter of DH 1) not being clear in the first place and 2) for some reason refusing to be clear when it became obvious the mother intended to keep the photograph.

I don't think it is at all presumptuous for a grandmother to assume it is fine to keep a photograph of her grandchild brought into her house, especially when she is never told she is not able to do so.  Everything about this situation is odd to me.

I really have a difficult time understanding the rational for this.  Is it just photo frames or is it anything a family member brings to his mother's house that become her property?

Unless DH said the magical words 'Here, I brought this to give to you' to his mother, I can't agree that she was anything but presumptuous.  The fact that the mother followed it up by telling her DIL "I saw the photo and liked it, so I took it. After all, you can always do another photo up!" instead of "Thank you so much for the lovely photo," pretty clearly indicates to me that MIL knew it was not meant for her.

TurtleDove

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Re: I liked it...so I took it
« Reply #23 on: December 13, 2012, 02:49:48 PM »
I cannot think of a reason why I would bring a photo frame into my mother's house.  I didn't see where the MIL is trying to steal a photo frame.  She wanted a photo of her grandchild, and for some reason that I don't understand, her son brought a framed photo into her house and never told her she couldn't keep it. I don't think that is odd at all, to give a framed photo of your child to your mother.  What I do find very strange is to be upset about the MIL wanting the photo but never tell her she can't have it and then essentially accuse her of stealing it.  Neither the DH nor the OP let MIL know she was not welcome to the framed photo.

To answer Miss Unleaded's question, I think the DH led his mother to believe it was okay with him for her to keep it - that is how it became her property.  I place this whole issue firmly on the shoulders of the DH and the OP.

Miss Unleaded

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Re: I liked it...so I took it
« Reply #24 on: December 13, 2012, 03:06:18 PM »
I cannot think of a reason why I would bring a photo frame into my mother's house.

I've taken photos (in frames and out) to various family members' houses just because I wanted to show them the photo, not because I wanted to give it to them.  I don't think that's all that strange.  According to the OP, DH was taking the frame to work to show his colleagues a picture of his daughter, so apparently he doesn't think it's strange to take frames to show other people either (unless he was lying about his intentions from the beginning).  He absolutely should have made clear that the photo wasn't a gift for his mother, and for that reason I place the blame equally on both parties.  But I don't believe the mother honestly thought it was a gift for her given the follow up conversation she had with the OP. 

The OP definitely should have said something when her mother told her she had taken the frame. I still believe she should call her mother and ask for it back, explaining that it was a misunderstanding and offering to print off another photo for her. 

TurtleDove

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Re: I liked it...so I took it
« Reply #25 on: December 13, 2012, 03:08:12 PM »
But I don't believe the mother honestly thought it was a gift for her given the follow up conversation she had with the OP. 


Since the DH never told her she could not have it, I DO believe she thought it was a gift to her.

Miss Unleaded

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Re: I liked it...so I took it
« Reply #26 on: December 13, 2012, 03:12:04 PM »
But I don't believe the mother honestly thought it was a gift for her given the follow up conversation she had with the OP. 


Since the DH never told her she could not have it, I DO believe she thought it was a gift to her.

So it's ok for me to go around taking things from other people and if they don't object, then it was a gift for me?

I'm sorry I just can't agree with that.

TurtleDove

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Re: I liked it...so I took it
« Reply #27 on: December 13, 2012, 03:24:18 PM »
So it's ok for me to go around taking things from other people and if they don't object, then it was a gift for me?

I'm sorry I just can't agree with that.

In the specific situation in the OP, involving a photograph of the MIL's grandchild, yes, I think the MIL was not out of bounds to assume it was okay with the DH for her to keep the photo since he never objected (and neither did the OP).

I recognize that you are trying to build up a hyperbolic situation here, but I will say that if someone takes something from me and I don't want them to have it, I let them know that.  It is bizarre to me that anyone wouldn't.  Especially with a close family member.

Bijou

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Re: I liked it...so I took it
« Reply #28 on: December 13, 2012, 05:43:58 PM »
I agree with turtledove.  The framed photo of her granddaughter was brought into MIL's house with other things being given to her and she assumed it, too, was for her.  If, after the fact, she realized it was not for her, but she'd made a mistake in thinking it was, she could be covering up her embarrassment by saying she saw it, liked it and took it. 

Frankly, had I been her son I would not have wanted to tell her it wasn't for her, especially seeing that she was happy about getting it, which I am sure she was.

I suggest to the OP that they make another print of all three pictures, get three nice matching frames to frame copies for themselves, and give the other two with frames that match the one MIL has to MIL for a gift.
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TootsNYC

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Re: I liked it...so I took it
« Reply #29 on: December 13, 2012, 09:01:27 PM »
But I don't believe the mother honestly thought it was a gift for her given the follow up conversation she had with the OP. 


Since the DH never told her she could not have it, I DO believe she thought it was a gift to her.

The OP stated that this was her initial assumption as well, BUT....

that the subsequent phone call indicated that the grandmother KNEW this was not the case.

I'd let her keep the print but ask for the frame back since it matches the other 2 I'm planning to use as a set. And I'd ask her if she needed a replacement frame or if she had one she could use. There's just really no downside to this.