Author Topic: How to say I'm uncomfortable when I can't explain why exactly? - Update p22  (Read 13624 times)

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cross_patch

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As the OP, it's interesting to see the directions this thread has traveled!  For what it's worth, I definitely don't think that couples need to or should coordinate all of their leisure time activities.  We spend plenty of time together and sometimes it is nice to have the house to myself!  In fact, this weekend he is traveling out of town to run an event related to the sport - I'm looking forward to getting my hair cut, watching movies he wouldn't care for, and seeing friends.  My issue related to my discomfort with this specific person as she relates to this activity and him.  As it happens, due to holidays and associated family time, as well as the flu, he actually hasn't been back for one of the open-event nights since I first posted.  But at this point, I'm truly OK with him sparring with her if and when they end up in the same place again.  I think part of it might have been my own pre-holiday stress making me a little emotionally short-fused, and also I felt better after getting the feedback here, so thanks again to everyone who weighed in.

That's awesome to hear!

LadyR

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Re: How to say I'm uncomfortable when I can't explain why exactly? - Update p22
« Reply #46 on: February 03, 2013, 11:06:12 AM »
bopper: always having to do any fun thing you feel like doing with your spouse sounds more like prison than marriage. If we never experienced anything without the other one there DH and I would have run out of things to say around year 3.

I have friends where this actually contributed to the downfall of their relationship. He felt like he should share her interests, evn the ones thwt bored him and in the end she felt suffocated by never having space, plus his obvious boredom took away from her enjoyment.


bopper

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Re: How to say I'm uncomfortable when I can't explain why exactly? - Update p22
« Reply #47 on: February 05, 2013, 09:48:20 AM »
bopper: always having to do any fun thing you feel like doing with your spouse sounds more like prison than marriage. If we never experienced anything without the other one there DH and I would have run out of things to say around year 3.

I have friends where this actually contributed to the downfall of their relationship. He felt like he should share her interests, evn the ones thwt bored him and in the end she felt suffocated by never having space, plus his obvious boredom took away from her enjoyment.

Ah, but that is the thing...he is putting her happiness at the expense of his own.  He shouldn't do that. They should find ones they both (truly) like.

TurtleDove

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Re: How to say I'm uncomfortable when I can't explain why exactly? - Update p22
« Reply #48 on: February 05, 2013, 09:58:22 AM »

Ah, but that is the thing...he is putting her happiness at the expense of his own.  He shouldn't do that. They should find ones they both (truly) like.

This is so odd to me.  There are no two people that I know of who always want to do the exact same thing at the same time.  I agree with the posters who believe relationships tend to function better if each person is their own person first and the two compliment each other.  I would be miserable if my SO did everything with me, and so would he.  Common interests, yes.  Everything together, no.

Amava

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Re: How to say I'm uncomfortable when I can't explain why exactly? - Update p22
« Reply #49 on: February 05, 2013, 10:26:36 AM »
bopper: always having to do any fun thing you feel like doing with your spouse sounds more like prison than marriage. If we never experienced anything without the other one there DH and I would have run out of things to say around year 3.

I have friends where this actually contributed to the downfall of their relationship. He felt like he should share her interests, evn the ones thwt bored him and in the end she felt suffocated by never having space, plus his obvious boredom took away from her enjoyment.

Ah, but that is the thing...he is putting her happiness at the expense of his own.  He shouldn't do that. They should find ones they both (truly) like.

I respect that this lifestyle works for you, but it is just not for everyone.

Tea Drinker

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Re: How to say I'm uncomfortable when I can't explain why exactly? - Update p22
« Reply #50 on: February 05, 2013, 10:31:41 AM »

Ah, but that is the thing...he is putting her happiness at the expense of his own.  He shouldn't do that. They should find ones they both (truly) like.

This is so odd to me.  There are no two people that I know of who always want to do the exact same thing at the same time.  I agree with the posters who believe relationships tend to function better if each person is their own person first and the two compliment each other.  I would be miserable if my SO did everything with me, and so would he.  Common interests, yes.  Everything together, no.

POD this. I would rather have some interests I share with my partner, which we do together--in my husband's case it includes Scrabble (the actual board game), long walks, and some zoos and museums--and some that we don't share and each pursue individually (for example, he likes animated movies; I like crossword puzzles). It wouldn't make either of us happier to only do the things we both like. In fact, we both periodically want to have a few hours alone in our home; one way we do this is that he periodically says "would you like me to go see a movie this weekend?"
Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.

Lynn2000

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Re: How to say I'm uncomfortable when I can't explain why exactly? - Update p22
« Reply #51 on: February 05, 2013, 10:43:01 AM »
We might be getting farther afield from the situation in the OP; but, I can agree that a couple ought to have some fun things they both do together, if not everything. Imagine if the OP had been that the boyfriend was having fun doing this sport with his ex, but there was no comparable activity that the boyfriend and his current girlfriend liked doing together. That could spell trouble for the relationship--he's always having fun with other people, not his girlfriend. So I think it would be sensible to suggest that the girlfriend try to find fun things they can do together as a couple--maybe trying something completely new to both of them, or making a fair compromise of their interests somehow. Not so that they can spend 100% of their time doing things together, but so they can have some fun things they do together, which might offset the girlfriend's discomfort with him doing fun things with his ex.

Of course, in the OP IIRC, the boyfriend also felt somewhat uncomfortable about sparring with his ex, and didn't he say he didn't want to do it again? So that's not quite the same thing, I guess.
~Lynn2000