Author Topic: I love my in-laws  (Read 3128 times)

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Pen^2

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I love my in-laws
« on: December 15, 2012, 05:00:07 PM »
The family I've married into is pretty darn awesome. At this time of year (anniversary approaching), and in light of various unpleasant recent events with us, I wanted to say that.

Basically: both DH and I are super low-key people. We don't like going to loud parties. We hate being the centre of attention. We go to museums and read books. We're 'boring' by a lot of standards.

When we got engaged, both of us felt that a big wedding would be worse than death. Neither of us are into wedding culture at all, and the attention, time, and energy spent on something that would make us as miserable as we could be would be nothing short of masochistic. Both our families knew this for years beforehand due to basically just what personality types we are. Neither family is religious, and not having a huge giant wedding is a very strong part of each of our personal beliefs and philosophies (i.e. not wasting money and making a spectacle of an intimate event etc.) We're happy for other people who do the big wedding thing, but it is absolutely not for us.

We were very nervous to tell my family we were engaged. We expected exclamations and shouts and so on, and were frankly terrified. I almost couldn't do it. When we did tell them, the first thing anyone said (before even 'congratulations' or anything) was questions about the wedding--where, when, how expensive, etc. These were details that would be not only be most likely unplanned at that point (we were just engaged), but would be quite personal to ask.

When we responded that we weren't having a wedding, just the bare-minimum civil service, all hell broke loose. We offered every possible compromise, (even offering to fly all of them interstate to us to a fancy restaurant and function hall) only to be told how selfish we were for not thinking of their interests. I am not exaggerating here, either. I received an email only a few days after the fact which started off with, "a wedding is about family, not the couple. This is why it is so important that you stop being silly and wake up and do what you're supposed to do." This was doubly rude as it did not consider my husband's family, who are from another culture and do marriages differently anyway. One relative actually claimed (I have no idea if it was ever true) to have booked and paid for everything, to try and guilt us into getting married against our beliefs.

Cut. Sever. Detox.

My husband's family were absolutely wonderful. Supremely graceful and gentle by contrast. We were out at dinner with all of them together, and told everyone at once. The response? "That's lovely, we're all very happy to hear it. Now, what kind of entree should we order? I'll pay since you're engaged and all." That was it. They knew that we were terrified of a big production or show, and they all behaved generously with this in mind. After being disowned from my family, I was stunned that such kindness and class was possible.

Anyway. Here's to them. People who do not what they think society wants (as my family attempted), but what matters most to the individuals who matter in their lives. If it weren't for them, our anniversary would be nothing but painful memories.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: I love my in-laws
« Reply #1 on: December 15, 2012, 09:02:23 PM »
That is pretty darned awesome, and sounds familiar.  When I mentioned that DH and I were going to get married in a JOP thing I got a similar reaction of "CRUD MONKEYS! you're being so selfish!" I come from a large family and my parents got all my relatives to call me and try to talk me out of this, even including an aunt who did elope to convince me it was a bad idea cause look how unhappy she was.  Problem was I knew she was unhappy not because of how she married, but who she married.  I invited my parents to attend our little wedding but they refused.

MIL did though even though she hates flying (she and I flew from MD to CA) because DH is her only child and she wasn't about to miss his wedding.  FIL had to miss it only because he had to work but he didn't object either to there not being a big to-do.   I think MIL appreciated it though, that we married the way we did. She's a major introvert, as is FIL, so I think they both would have been overwhelmed by a large wedding my family was imagining for me.  Seen "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"? Remember Ian's parents when visiting Toula's family? That would have been like my IL's at a wedding thrown by my family.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

VltGrantham

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Re: I love my in-laws
« Reply #2 on: December 17, 2012, 11:09:02 AM »
I'm sorry your family reacted as they did, but I celebrate with you the fact that your in-laws handled the news with grace, decorum, and respect for your wishes as a couple.

DH's family tried pressuring us into having a big wedding--we refused citing both money issues and for personal reasons (that being that we didn't want to deal with the issues his family presents).  For years we've heard numerous times about how we "selfishly deprived them" of a big wedding.

Lo and behold, his younger brother had a wedding about 4 years ago, that while simple, still counted as the "big family wedding."  Guess what?  My in-laws still weren't happy and have complained about the cost of that wedding (though they contributed not one dime beyond their clothing) since then.

Some families just won't be happy no matter what.  I'm glad to know that there are sane, reasonable, in-laws out there somewhere.

CakeBeret

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Re: I love my in-laws
« Reply #3 on: December 17, 2012, 11:10:33 AM »
Your in-laws sound wonderful. :)
"From a procrastination standpoint, today has been wildly successful."

Allyson

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Re: I love my in-laws
« Reply #4 on: December 17, 2012, 01:02:48 PM »
I love this! I'm not married but if I do I really do not want a big wedding for lots of reasons (one being that I'm really cheap! I might do it if I were somehow profiting from it in the amount people pay for it...:))

I was talking to a friend once about someone we knew who became extremely hurt and upset that her sister had done the JOP thing. I said "anyone who is angry at me for not providing them with a wedding to go to obviously doesn't know me well at all."

Mikayla

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Re: I love my in-laws
« Reply #5 on: December 17, 2012, 01:24:21 PM »
One of the most valuable statements I've learned in here:  A wedding is not a family reunion. 

It's so simple.  (It also doesn't imply there's anything wrong if the couple decides to turn it into one.  It's about the couple who chooses not to).

Your in-laws sound awesome!

heartmug

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Re: I love my in-laws
« Reply #6 on: December 17, 2012, 05:00:28 PM »
The family I've married into is pretty darn awesome. At this time of year (anniversary approaching), and in light of various unpleasant recent events with us, I wanted to say that.

Basically: both DH and I are super low-key people. We don't like going to loud parties. We hate being the centre of attention. We go to museums and read books. We're 'boring' by a lot of standards.


That is my Dh and I and we did have the wedding long ago.  Good for you for doing what you want.  Our son is very much like us (our dd is not) so I will put this in the memory bank if he choses a gal like him, as to how I am to react.
The trouble is not that the world is full of fools, it's just that lightening isn't distributed right.  - Mark Twain

LadyClaire

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Re: I love my in-laws
« Reply #7 on: December 18, 2012, 08:07:04 AM »
I had a very small wedding. It was a JOP, in our back yard, with maybe 20 people (immediate family and very close friends only). My husband's mother was furious and tried to take over the wedding by planning things behind our backs that we were then supposed to pay for. Then she presented us with this huge list of all of the uncles and aunts and cousins whom we "HAD" to invite.

My husband has a big family. He is the youngest of five children. His parents both have a lot of siblings. The aunt/uncle/cousin part of the list would have added over 40 people to the wedding, and that's not even getting into all of the other people she thought we absolutely had to invite.

We just had to keep telling her that our wedding was going to be small. DH's father told her to quit meddling, she had her own wedding years ago and it was our turn now. She didn't speak to him for days because of that, and stopped speaking to DH as well for a while. She eventually realized that all of her whining, pouting, yelling, and otherwise nasty behavior wasn't going to get her anywhere, she just quietly sulked. It did a lot of damage to her relationship with my husband. He didn't have a good relationship with her before, but this just made it 10x worse.

BeagleMommy

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Re: I love my in-laws
« Reply #8 on: December 18, 2012, 12:05:09 PM »
Your in-laws rock!

I had the opposite.  DH and I had a rather large wedding.  It's what I wanted and he told me "Whatever you want.  If you want the BWW go for it.  If you want to fly to Vegas and get married by Elvis, we'll do that".

MY FIL kep encouraging us to elope.  I couldn't even talk to my MIL about the planning if he was around because he'd get upset.  He kept saying it was too much of an expense.  The funny thing was that my parents paid for the wedding.  Other than his suit and MIL's dress he had to pay for nothing.

My MIL finally told him to keep quiet.