Re: Step in and simplify travel plans Minor UPDATE Pg. 6

[JeanFromBNA]

Yay for the good update.  Glad he came up with the alternate plan.  Although the whole "I am the best surprise ever" thing still makes me gag a bit.

Me too. 

I would queue up http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5hj518Iugk for his grand entrance.  He probably wouldn't get it.

[MsOverThinker]

I would queue up http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5hj518Iugk for his grand entrance.  He probably wouldn't get it.

LOL!  Do it!

[Winterlight]

Agreed. In that case, Ted should pay!

[weeblewobble]

Well, Christmas went just fine.  Brother showed up right before lunch to much fanfare.  Mom and Dad were very surprised and while Mom didn't want the rest of us to feel bad, you could tell that Ted being there "completed" the holiday for her.  So I'm happy for her, in that respect.  Dad was pleased, too.

Two minor "bumps" along the road:

1) Because Mom and Dad didn't expect Ted to be at my house, they didn't bring any of his gifts.  So while the rest of us opened multiple packages from Mom and Dad, Ted opened two from Sis and I, and that was it.  You could tell that this was an issue that hadn't occurred to Ted.  It was more than a little awkward and I felt bad for him, sitting there with little to open, while the rest of us had a big pile of gifts.  But, at the same time, I think it was a lesson in the little practical details that get bent all to heck when "surprises" get thrown into the mix. 

2) My mom took some time (about the time we finished opening presents) to recover from the shock of Ted being there.  She turned to me with an unhappy expression and said, "You knew the whole time that Ted was going to be here and you didn't say a word?  I don't like that at all." 

I used the calmest, most serious tone I could muster and said, "This was not my idea.  If you're upset, discuss it with Ted."

She snapped out of her momentary bad mood and the rest of the holiday went fine.

[bloo]

Well, Christmas went just fine. 

snip

2) My mom took some time (about the time we finished opening presents) to recover from the shock of Ted being there.  She turned to me with an unhappy expression and said, "You knew the whole time that Ted was going to be here and you didn't say a word?  I don't like that at all." 

I used the calmest, most serious tone I could muster and said, "This was not my idea.  If you're upset, discuss it with Ted."

She snapped out of her momentary bad mood and the rest of the holiday went fine.

Glad things went fine but it sounds like you're darned if you/darned if you don't a little bit with your Ma. Didn't you say in a previous post that you thought she'd be rankled if you opened your mouth and kept them apart and that your Dad would be in a snit if you kept your mouth shut?

Glad she snapped out of it though!

[weeblewobble]

Mom and I usually get along really really well.  We are in sync on almost every issue.  But when it comes to Ted, she tends to lose perspective. 

ETA: But yes, she would have been irritated with me for ruining Ted's surprise if I'd spoken up.  Eventually, she would have been grateful for saving her a lot of needless driving.  But her initial reaction would have been, "Why are you poking your nose into this and ruining Ted's surprise?  Shame on you."

[Winterlight]

1) Because Mom and Dad didn't expect Ted to be at my house, they didn't bring any of his gifts.  So while the rest of us opened multiple packages from Mom and Dad, Ted opened two from Sis and I, and that was it.  You could tell that this was an issue that hadn't occurred to Ted.  It was more than a little awkward and I felt bad for him, sitting there with little to open, while the rest of us had a big pile of gifts.  But, at the same time, I think it was a lesson in the little practical details that get bent all to heck when "surprises" get thrown into the mix.

Maybe this will help prod him into realizing that his surprises aren't unhallowed joy.

2) My mom took some time (about the time we finished opening presents) to recover from the shock of Ted being there.  She turned to me with an unhappy expression and said, "You knew the whole time that Ted was going to be here and you didn't say a word?  I don't like that at all." 

I used the calmest, most serious tone I could muster and said, "This was not my idea.  If you're upset, discuss it with Ted."

She snapped out of her momentary bad mood and the rest of the holiday went fine.

Well handled- if she's got a problem, Ted is the one to gripe at.

[NotCinderell]

Mom and I usually get along really really well.  We are in sync on almost every issue.  But when it comes to Ted, she tends to lose perspective. 

ETA: But yes, she would have been irritated with me for ruining Ted's surprise if I'd spoken up.  Eventually, she would have been grateful for saving her a lot of needless driving.  But her initial reaction would have been, "Why are you poking your nose into this and ruining Ted's surprise?  Shame on you."

That makes me sad.  Your brother pulls attention-grabbing antics and you get blamed for it.

[blarg314]

You could tell that this was an issue that hadn't occurred to Ted.  It was more than a little awkward and I felt bad for him, sitting there with little to open, while the rest of us had a big pile of gifts. 

I wouldn't worry about feeling bad for him. It sounds like he's had a habit of pulling these surprise stunts which let him bask in the approval of his parents, while other people bear the inconvenience of working around it, or having made plans based on what he has said, rather than what he actually plans to do. So if he has to deal with inconvenience himself, that's totally his problem.

One option for you is to refuse to know about these plans in the first place.

I think what I'd do is tell Ted, very bluntly, that I was tired of ending up in the middle, having to decide between passing on information about something I knew would inconvenience everyone (and being blamed for spoiling the surprise) or keeping quiet, (and getting blamed for keeping the secret). So in the future, I want to know nothing about special  surprise visits, or bait and switch holiday plans. If he does slip and tell me, the information will immediately, and in full, be passed on to your father, mother and sister.

Then I'd pass the same information to the other parties. Your sister, so she knows not to call you if she is told about this, and your parents, so they know you're not playing the game anymore, and aren't going to be the scapegoat while Ted gets approval poured over him.

[weeblewobble]

Minor update:

Ted left last night.  I pulled him aside to have this conversation as he was packing up:

Me: Ted, I love you.  But if you try to pull this on me next year, I will tell everybody your plans so they can adjust their schedules.  And then I will punch you in the eye. (I used another expression, but this is an etiquette forum.)

Ted:  What?  Why would you do that?

Me: Because this was all too stressful.  I had to maintain your secret, worry about Mom and Dad driving needlessly to your city - something you didn't consider- and worry about the logistics of timing the food and gifts around your arrival.  All you had to do was lie to our parents about your plans and drive.

Ted: But Mom and Dad loved it! 

Me: Great, so surprise them on Arbor Day or some random weekend when they're not expecting a visit.  Not when the rest of us have to work around you.

Ted grumbled that I was over-reacting. I gave him the patented, "I am your older sister and I know what truly scares you" look.  He backed down and I gave him some Christmas cookies for his trip.

I considered having a talk with Mom about Ted and his stressful "surprises."  But I figured that was pushing it.

[blue2000]

Good for you!

[kckgirl]

My mom took some time (about the time we finished opening presents) to recover from the shock of Ted being there.  She turned to me with an unhappy expression and said, "You knew the whole time that Ted was going to be here and you didn't say a word?  I don't like that at all." 

I used the calmest, most serious tone I could muster and said, "This was not my idea.  If you're upset, discuss it with Ted."

That is the best response.

I considered having a talk with Mom about Ted and his stressful "surprises."  But I figured that was pushing it.

I actually don't think talking to mom about Ted's surprises is pushing it. He put a big burden on you and you bore the brunt of mom's misplaced disapproval.

[bloo]

Minor update:

Ted left last night.  I pulled him aside to have this conversation as he was packing up:

Me: Ted, I love you.  But if you try to pull this on me next year, I will tell everybody your plans so they can adjust their schedules.  And then I will punch you in the eye. (I used another expression, but this is an etiquette forum.)

Ted:  What?  Why would you do that?

Me: Because this was all too stressful.  I had to maintain your secret, worry about Mom and Dad driving needlessly to your city - something you didn't consider- and worry about the logistics of timing the food and gifts around your arrival.  All you had to do was lie to our parents about your plans and drive.

Ted: But Mom and Dad loved it! 

Me: Great, so surprise them on Arbor Day or some random weekend when they're not expecting a visit.  Not when the rest of us have to work around you.

Ted grumbled that I was over-reacting. I gave him the patented, "I am your older sister and I know what truly scares you" look.  He backed down and I gave him some Christmas cookies for his trip.

I considered having a talk with Mom about Ted and his stressful "surprises."  But I figured that was pushing it.

Good for you Weeble! Your Ted Tolerance might soon lower to your sister's level...