Overgifting

[BeagleMommy]

This topic came up on our local morning radio program.  A young woman called and said she had been dating a man for two months.  As a Christmas gift he bought her a pricey piece of jewelry.  She felt he spent way too much money for a situation where they only knew each other for 6-8 weeks.  She had gotten him a small gift (no where near the cost of the jewelry) and now feels embarrassed.  Her question was should she return the gift with an explanation as to why she couldn't accept it or should she accept it without question.

I had been in a similar situation in high school, but the guy in question told me he wanted to buy me pearls for my 16th birthday.  I told him that was too much money to spend on me since I wasn't dating him exclusively and if he wanted to do something for my birthday he could take me to a movie.

What say you, oh wise ehellions?

[DottyG]

My first thought was the old rule that a lady never accepts jewelry from a gentleman unless they're engaged or married.  So he was wrong at the outset, and she needs to give the jewelry back.

Edited to take out a word
 
 

[SamiHami]

There used to be a rule that ladies never accepted gifts of an intimate nature from a gentleman, and in those days jewelry fell into that category, unless they were married. While I realize times are different and etiquette may need to be updated a bit, I think she should give it back to him.

[Moray]

My first thought was the old rule that a real lady never accepts jewelry from a gentleman unless they're engaged or married.  So he was wrong at the outset, and she needs to give the jewelry back.

I guess I'm not a "real" lady then...

OP, I'd agree that she should give the gift back if she feels uncomfortable, but if it were a less expensive piece she'd be fine to keep it. I'm not going to argue if a guy I'm dating wants to give me something reasonably priced and sparkly!

[lady_disdain]

My first thought was the old rule that a real lady never accepts jewelry from a gentleman unless they're engaged or married.  So he was wrong at the outset, and she needs to give the jewelry back.

She doesn't need to give it back but she should, if she doesn't feel comfortable with the gift.

I wouldn't compare his gift to hers on the basis of price alone. Was it honestly given or as a way to pressure her (for sex, for a relationship, to unbalance power in the relationship)? Is the value a lot for him as well or comparable to what he spends on other people? If he gave his family $20 gifts and hers was $400, that would be very uncomfortable. If, however, he gave everyone, including her, $100, that would be a different situation.

However, the bottom line is communication. If she is uncomfortable, she should tell him.

[CaptainObvious]

My first thought was the old rule that a real lady never accepts jewelry from a gentleman unless they're engaged or married.  So he was wrong at the outset, and she needs to give the jewelry back.

I'm really uncomfortable with your use of the phrase "real lady".

[onyonryngs]

My first thought was the old rule that a real lady never accepts jewelry from a gentleman unless they're engaged or married.  So he was wrong at the outset, and she needs to give the jewelry back.

Do you think this is what should actually be done or are you just mentioning an old rule?  Because I don't think this applies anymore. 

I think the lady in question should accept gracefully, but I do think a kid giving his 16 year old girlfriend pearls is a bit much in most cases.

[lady_disdain]

My first thought was the old rule that a real lady never accepts jewelry from a gentleman unless they're engaged or married.  So he was wrong at the outset, and she needs to give the jewelry back.

Do you think this is what should actually be done or are you just mentioning an old rule?  Because I don't think this applies anymore. 

I think the lady in question should accept gracefully, but I do think a kid giving his 16 year old girlfriend pearls is a bit much in most cases.

Pearls range hugely in price, though. A nice cultured pearl necklace can be as affordable as $30 to ridiculously expensive.

For example, from vendors I trust:

This necklace would be cheaper than a movie and snacks - http://www.multicolour.com/detail/?/details/freshwater_pearls/y50-00733aa/&1244716636
Freshwater pearls with 14k gold clasp for $100 - http://www.pearlparadise.com/6570-mm-White-Freshwater-Pearl-Necklace534.aspx

These, however, would not be appropriate: http://www.pearlparadise.com/18inch-7580-mm-White-Hanadama-Akoya-Pearl-Necklace743.aspx

[PastryGoddess]

My first thought was the old rule that a real lady never accepts jewelry from a gentleman unless they're engaged or married.  So he was wrong at the outset, and she needs to give the jewelry back.

  Is is 2012 or 1912 you're living in?  That was a really uncalled for qualifier

[onyonryngs]

My first thought was the old rule that a real lady never accepts jewelry from a gentleman unless they're engaged or married.  So he was wrong at the outset, and she needs to give the jewelry back.

Do you think this is what should actually be done or are you just mentioning an old rule?  Because I don't think this applies anymore. 

I think the lady in question should accept gracefully, but I do think a kid giving his 16 year old girlfriend pearls is a bit much in most cases.

Pearls range hugely in price, though. A nice cultured pearl necklace can be as affordable as $30 to ridiculously expensive.

For example, from vendors I trust:

This necklace would be cheaper than a movie and snacks - http://www.multicolour.com/detail/?/details/freshwater_pearls/y50-00733aa/&1244716636
Freshwater pearls with 14k gold clasp for $100 - http://www.pearlparadise.com/6570-mm-White-Freshwater-Pearl-Necklace534.aspx

These, however, would not be appropriate: http://www.pearlparadise.com/18inch-7580-mm-White-Hanadama-Akoya-Pearl-Necklace743.aspx

That's why I added the disclaimer.  There are some cases where it wouldn't be too much.

[lady_disdain]

Just spreading the word about nice, inexpensive pearls.

[onyonryngs]

Just spreading the word about nice, inexpensive pearls.

We can all use more pearls - I'm sadly lacking anything to clutch today!  LOL!   

[Yvaine]

Just spreading the word about nice, inexpensive pearls.

We can all use more pearls - I'm sadly lacking anything to clutch today!  LOL!   

I'd pass you mine, but I'm pretty sure they're really just plastic beads. 

[Calypso]

Ah, the treacherous labyrinth of romantic gift exchanges! 

1) She need not feel any embarrassment about her gift not matching his in its monetary worth, and it would reveal his true colors fast if he makes an issue out of it. Gifts should be thoughtful, appropriate and within the means of the gift-giver; it's folly in any situation (romantic or not), in my opinion, to do the sad calculus of "what will they spend on me, I have to make sure mine matches."

2) However, she has excellent instincts that it's way too early, in terms of what they're doing, not in terms of time, to give such a significant present. I gather they are in the early stages of dating; he's jumping way too far ahead. Some of those early stages are fun! He's leaving himself no where to go. She should return it with, to quote Miss Manners, a mouth that says no but eyes that shine.
 

[DottyG]

Didn't say you had to like the rule!  I'm just the messenger.

For instance, from Miss Manners (who doesn't live in 1912):

All presents are laden with symbolism, Miss Manners warns you, but jewelry is explosive with it, and never more so than when given by a gentleman to a lady or relative to one of the next generation.
 
Ladies should never confuse gentlemen by accepting jewelry if not prepared to accept the gentleman who offers it—nor by criticizing a proffered ring when intending to take the gentleman himself.