Overgifting

[DottyG]

Thank you SamiHami.  I was just about to throw my hands up and scream there.

[onyonryngs]

I think we're getting way off track here. Clearly DottyG meant that etiquette at one time dictated that a lady should not accept a gift of an intimate nature-including jewelry included. I really don't think she was passing judgment on anyone here.

Thank you SamiHami.  I was just about to throw my hands up and scream there.

Ok, because I asked for clarification earlier and it seemed that she did agree with the old rule from the posts after that too so thanks for sorting it out!

[Moray]

I think we're getting way off track here. Clearly DottyG meant that etiquette at one time dictated that a lady should not accept a gift of an intimate nature-including jewelry included. I really don't think she was passing judgment on anyone here.

Thank you SamiHami.  I was just about to throw my hands up and scream there.

Ok, because I asked for clarification earlier and it seemed that she did agree with the old rule from the posts after that too so thanks for sorting it out!

Yeah, that was my read, too. I'm glad to learn she doesn't really believe it

[Sharnita]

Honestly, I think that at one time if you took jewelery but had not intention lf having a relationship you (theoretical you) might have been cosidered on "opportunist".  Keep in mind that in those days jewlery could be sold and many women did not have a chance for careers.

As far as accepting an expensive gift early in a relationship, I think there are plenty of ment and women and men who woulld feel uncomfortable about it, maybe even feel they would be taking advantage or come off as opportunistic.

[Wordgeek]

It is entirely possible to state an opinion, even an opposition opinion, without sarcasm or discourtesy.

Moray, I'm talking to you.

[nyarlathotep]

The jewellery thing is a red herring, and no longer relevant in any case. What is relevant here is the cost of the gift. IMO, if you receive a gift that is waaay more expensive than you expected, there is nothing rude about bringing it up; if nothing else, it may clear any misunderstandings.

[Two Ravens]

The jewellery thing is a red herring, and no longer relevant in any case. What is relevant here is the cost of the gift. IMO, if you receive a gift that is waaay more expensive than you expected, there is nothing rude about bringing it up; if nothing else, it may clear any misunderstandings.

I agree. I think a moderately price pair of earrings would be a very nice gift, while an iPad would be inappropriate as a pricy necklace.

[Drawberry]

The jewellery thing is a red herring, and no longer relevant in any case. What is relevant here is the cost of the gift. IMO, if you receive a gift that is waaay more expensive than you expected, there is nothing rude about bringing it up; if nothing else, it may clear any misunderstandings.

Thank you.

However any woman wishes to act when receiving a gift is up to her, whether it be by older traditional standards or by more modern customs. So moving on from that issue..


If at anytime a gift makes someone feel uncomfortable I feel like it would be appropriate to graciously return it to the giver. Expressing much gratitude for the thought and consideration but that you simply are not comfortable with this and will not use it because of this discomfort. If this man she's currently with is to be 'kept around' he should accept her wishes and expression of discomfort and not make an issue out of it.

Many women may also feel an expectation that is passed on through expensive gifts given by men, and I am sure I do not need to elaborate on this. If a woman is feeling a certain unspoken 'expectation' is placed upon her when accepting something pricey I certainly agree that she has every right to decline this gift and not be involved with it any further.

[jpcher]

She had gotten him a small gift (no where near the cost of the jewelry) and now feels embarrassed.  Her question was should she return the gift with an explanation as to why she couldn't accept it or should she accept it without question.

It sounds to me that she already accepted the gift without question and now she's having second thoughts.

If she were to return it with an explanation then it might almost sound like a break-up. I think that she should keep the gift with the thought of returning it when/if they do actually break up.



I'm keeping an eye on this thread because does it really matter as to the price of the gift? Or is it the thought that counts?

DD#2 was presented with a very nice bracelet from her BFbob for an early x-mas gift (he said he couldn't wait 'till xmas, he was excited. They've been dating for almost a year.

She's giving him a hand-made stuffed penguin (he loves penguins), which (lovingly) looks, well, sad really nice!

There is no way possible for her to reciprocate (price-wise) in kind. Does this mean that she should return the bracelet because it was out of her budget to give a like-wise gift?

[LibraryLady]

No.  She has made something from the heart and probably he will treasure it very much.  UNLESS, he is a person who measures gift giving. 

If he a person who measures, then the situation changes and she will have to re-evaluate the relationship.

HTH

[Judah]

I'm keeping an eye on this thread because does it really matter as to the price of the gift? Or is it the thought that counts?

DD#2 was presented with a very nice bracelet from her BFbob for an early x-mas gift (he said he couldn't wait 'till xmas, he was excited. They've been dating for almost a year.

She's giving him a hand-made stuffed penguin (he loves penguins), which (lovingly) looks, well, sad really nice!

There is no way possible for her to reciprocate (price-wise) in kind. Does this mean that she should return the bracelet because it was out of her budget to give a like-wise gift?

It's really about the relationship. If DD and BFBof had only been together for two weeks, a piece of jewelry might be inappropriate for where the relationship is at that moment.  But they've been together for almost a year, so DD likely doesn't feel any discomfort at the gift itself, but maybe the disparity is costs between their gifts?  Is the stuffed penguin going to make BFBob as happy as the bracelet makes DD? If so, I don't see a problem.

[lellah]

Let's be pragmatic here.  Prior to, say, the 1920s unmarried women had to be very cautious of their perceived "virtue."  Most women were unable to support themselves in anything resembling a comfortable lifestyle because they simply weren't hired for jobs outside of factories and elementary classrooms, so they had to buckle down and keep themselves marriageable.    Giving an expensive gift other than an engagement ring was a way of saying "hey, I'm not going to marry you, but I'll do my bit to support you financially because I'm grateful we're doin' it."   The song "Diamonds Are a Girls Best Friend" is a slightly later manifestation of that understanding.  Don't accept jewelry lest everyone will think you an almost-prostitute was kind of the conventional advice.

I have received very expensive gifts from men I was dating.  If the gift was gotten because the giver knew it would please me particularly and he could easily afford it, I was happy to accept it.  If the gift was meant to show off or was given with expectations of sex, I was equally happy to refuse it.  If you don't know which is happening, ask.    If you're uncomfortable with the answers or in general, graciously refuse.