Bridal Party Dictating Shoes

[CluelessBride]

Is it reasonable for the bride and groom to select their wedding guests based on their height in bare feet?

I think etiquette allows you to invite or not invite whoever you want - regardless of the reason. But it doesn't protect your relationship from consequences and fall out over arbitrary rules. And of course you couldn't decide to invite only half of a social unit because one member was under the height limit and the other was over the limit.

[gellchom]

As I posted on the wedding forum, I agree that this is ridiculous.  I would be laughing my head off if I got an invitation like that.  (I love the post above about the sparkly special snowflake sled.)

What's wrong with being short, anyway?  You're short, you're short -- that's who's getting married.  Why is it important to be taller than your guests?  If you were ugly, would you ask your friends not to wear makeup?  If you're heavy, would you ask them to wear unflattering clothes?   If you're broke, would you ask them not to wear real jewelry or outfits that cost more than $50?  (And isn't this sort of an insult to your short guests -- the implication that short = unattractive?)

That said, I agree with the posters who said that although the request is silly, inappropriate, and arguably even rude, that does not give guests a free pass to be retaliatorily rude -- i.e., to attend but deliberately ignore the request, stupid and inappropriate though it may be.  You don't get to punish people for their etiquette blunders.

I'm 5'1", ALL my nice shoes have heels, and I would not enjoy complying -- but if I attended the wedding, I would, the same as you suck it up and wear a costume or tuxedo/black suit if that's what is requested even if you hate wearing costumes or black tie.  The fact that those are etiquette-sanctioned requests and this is not does not change the guests' duty to be polite and comply if they attend.

It's moronic, entitled, and inconsiderate, but it's not like they're asking them to bring a freshly killed puppy.  The bride needs to get over herself, but so do the guests.

[Mental Magpie]

I think many of disagree about whether wearing heels anyway would be rude. Also, it depends on whether the no high heels was a request or an attendance requirement (ie "Please dot wear high heels" or "No high heels.")

[Iris]

I find this request ridiculous, but I would also consider it rude to just ignore the request and wear heels.

My thinking is that it's on a par with asking people to remove their shoes before entering your house (in my culture). To me, it is irritating and vaguely insulting, but my choices are to either remove my shoes or not enter the person's house. I don't get to just walk in in my shoes just because I think it's a stupid rule. The hosts obviously don't think it's a stupid rule or they wouldn't have it. I think the wedding is the same.

Personally if my heel height was more important to the HC than my presence then I would assume that obviously we weren't as close as receiving an invitation to their wedding would imply and simply not attend or send a gift. However, I really can't see myself being friends with someone who gets this hung up about things.

[MariaE]

I find this request ridiculous, but I would also consider it rude to just ignore the request and wear heels.

That's my opinion as well.

I've been trying to figure out what I would do, which was easier if I turned the situation around. Imagine the invitation said "Guests must wear high heels". The thing is, I literally can't wear high heels. It's not a matter of not wanting to, it's a matter of having a handicap which makes it physically impossible for me to just stand in heels - forget all about walking.

I'm assuming this is somebody close to me, where I'd actually want to go to the wedding (because otherwise I'd obviously just give my regrets), and thus they'd be close enough for me to call them up and explain my situation. Hopefully they'd tell me to come even though I had to wear flats, but if not - well, that would tell me quite a bit about how they view our friendship and I would act accordingly.

What I wouldn't do - and what I in fact find very rude - would be to just ignore the request, and just turn up in flats without clearing it first.

[gellchom]

This silly request doesn't seem that different to me than instructions to write a page for a memory book, decorate a quilt square, sing a song to the bride and groom, wear a costume or special color, and so forth that people sometimes ask of their guests in the belief that it will make their wedding !!!!super fun and extra special!!!!  (Actual effect: like being in day camp.)  It's too much, and I roll my eyes, but if I'm going to attend, I just do it, and I think that's the polite and gracious thing to do.

This topic raises the meta-question: if a host goes too far with requests (but not so far as to be truly offensive, like the freshly killed puppy request), what is the duty of polite guests?  Are they excused from gracious compliance with hosts' plans and requests because the hosts were wrong to request it?

In my opinion (and again, I stress that this only applies to things that are not matters of conscience), no, guests aren't excused if they are able to comply.  You either comply or don't attend, and you don't criticize them.  You don't get to punish or instruct them by rebelling.