Bridal Party Dictating Shoes

[Mental Magpie]

I have no idea why you do what you do, it's not something I'd do.

It's not that I specifically do it; I said "we" for a reason.  It often happens on E-Hell where someone (not always the same person) suggests treating the question/suggestion as if it is a joke.

I edited my post you quoted as you were posting.

If you meant 'they' you should have used 'they' using 'we' includes yourself.

Yes, we does include me because I am a part of E-Hell.  It, however, does not mean only me, which is what your post seemed to imply.  I don't know why you're picking it apart so minutely but please stop.

[jibby]

I might be inclined to call up the HC and tell them that I unfortunately did not own any appropriate* flat shoes, and it was not in my budget to purchase any new ones before the wedding, so in light of that, would they prefer I decline or show up heeled?


*Appropriate = shoes I want to wear with wedding-appropriate dresses. I'm not wearing punky ballet flats with a formal dress. I also wouldn't be shelling out money for appropriately dressy flats that I would never wear again.

Bumping this so it can be answered.  I wonder the same thing.  Is it acceptable to call the bride/groom and ask this?  If not, I guess I would just decline. Or spend the money I set aside for their gift on dressy flats that I'll never wear again, and give them a card.

[msulinski]

Why decide to take the non-nice antagonising route and deliberately wear heels when they've asked you not to? Regardless of what you think of the request.

Because they're not the boss of the world?  Because they don't get to MAKE that request.  Well, they can make it, but they don't get to expect people to take it seriously.

But then just don't go to the wedding. If you don't like a request, don't go. If you feel that your want to attend the wedding or that you are close enough to the couple cannot overpower your dislike of wearing flats then by all means don't attend. And vice versa.

My point is that folks shouldn't have to miss a wedding that might be important to them just because the bride makes a ridiculous request.  People don't have to do what she says.  She doesn't get to demand people do whatever she says.  She just doesn't.

This comes off as entitled to me. It is her party, so she gets to make the rules, period. If you don't like them, don't attend. Your comment that people shouldn't have to miss a wedding comes off as entitled.

How on earth is that entitled?  It would be different had the guest not been invited at all.  I don't think it's any different than "I shouldn't have to leave a party early just because I don't like one of the guests there."

It comes across as entitled to me because it suggests that the invitee should be able to go to the wedding while ignoring rules specified on that same invitation. I agree that the request is beyond ridiculous.

It is not the same as not leaving the party early because you don't like a guest. Provided you don't get into a conflict with that guest during the party, you are not violating the wishes of the host. Doing something the host explicitly asked you not to do is a lot different.

[msulinski]

Why decide to take the non-nice antagonising route and deliberately wear heels when they've asked you not to? Regardless of what you think of the request.

Because they're not the boss of the world?  Because they don't get to MAKE that request.  Well, they can make it, but they don't get to expect people to take it seriously.

But then just don't go to the wedding. If you don't like a request, don't go. If you feel that your want to attend the wedding or that you are close enough to the couple cannot overpower your dislike of wearing flats then by all means don't attend. And vice versa.

My point is that folks shouldn't have to miss a wedding that might be important to them just because the bride makes a ridiculous request.  People don't have to do what she says.  She doesn't get to demand people do whatever she says.  She just doesn't.

This comes off as entitled to me. It is her party, so she gets to make the rules, period. If you don't like them, don't attend. Your comment that people shouldn't have to miss a wedding comes off as entitled.

I do not believe she "gets" to make the rules for people attending an event she INVITED them to.  Further, I don't think people have to pretend that a request as ridiculous as this one is even remotely serious.  If this were to happen to me in real life, there is no way I'd think they were serious.  No way.  I wouldn't even consider that it could be, that's how ridiculous it is.

The host gets to make the rules. This has always been the case. If you invite people to your home and ask them not to smoke inside and to take off their shoes, you would expect them to honor this, right? And if they violated this request, you would be within your rights to ask them to leave, right?

The only difference here is that you think this particular request is ridiculous (so do I, for the record). Others might think your hypothetical shoe removal request is ridiculous too. Of course, of you felt this strongly about the absurdity of the request, you can decline the invitation.

As far as taking it serious, I can see someone showing up in heels if that person truly thought it was a joke. If, however, you know the request is serious, think it is ridiculous, and decide to pretend you thought the request was a joke, you are just being dishonest.

[Sophia]

Someone mentioned that they thought wearing heels would be retaliatory rudeness.  I think wearing your ordinary wedding shoes would be fine.  (Basically ignoring the ridiculous request)  Dragging out the 6" platforms because of the request, that would be rude.

You know, if someone was that concerned about guests wearing heels they should have had the wedding outdoors in the grass.  Then they could have added something like "Part of the wedding/reception will be outdoors on the grass, so flats are encouraged". 

[acicularis]

What an absurd request.

Let's turn it around --would it be Ok for the bridal party to insist that all women wear heels, not flats, if they don't think flats are dressy enough for their wedding?

[msulinski]

What an absurd request.

Let's turn it around --would it be Ok for the bridal party to insist that all women wear heels, not flats, if they don't think flats are dressy enough for their wedding?

I think getting down to the point of specifying individual pieces of clothing is ridiculous, but I suppose it is within their right. Your example would probably sit better with most people, though, as it is in relation to the dress code formality level, which is within etiquette to specify.

[cheyne]

We are addressing two different etiquette aspects here. 

The first has to do with the hosts dress code.  According to etiquette, there are four dress codes.  White tie, black tie, semi formal (or informal) and casual.  Each of these has different requirements as to the formality of dress.  A host is allowed to dictate the formality of the event they are hosting, but is not allowed to dictate the specific forms of clothing worn by attendees, i.e. length of dress, jewelry, hairstyle, height of heels.  So a host who tries to tell their guests how to specifically dress is not following etiquette and is therefore "rude".

The second has to do with what one does when one receives an invitation that dictates a specific form of dress.  Since the hosts have no say in what guests wear as to the specifics of dress, it is not rude for a guest to decide that they will wear what they want as long as the formality of the event is adhered to.  Now we all know that rel@tionships have a lot more involved than etiquette, so this is where deciding for yourself whether to adhere to the hosts wishes,  or not, or decline the invite comes in.  It is not rude or PA to wear what you wish to a hosted event as long as you conform to the formality set forth by the hosts.

*The only exception to this that I can find is if the [church, temple, mosque] has rules that shoulders, hair etc... must be covered while in the house of worship.

All "yous" general.

[Mental Magpie]

We are addressing two different etiquette aspects here. 

The first has to do with the hosts dress code.  According to etiquette, there are four dress codes.  White tie, black tie, semi formal (or informal) and casual.  Each of these has different requirements as to the formality of dress.  A host is allowed to dictate the formality of the event they are hosting, but is not allowed to dictate the specific forms of clothing worn by attendees, i.e. length of dress, jewelry, hairstyle, height of heels.  So a host who tries to tell their guests how to specifically dress is not following etiquette and is therefore "rude".

The second has to do with what one does when one receives an invitation that dictates a specific form of dress.  Since the hosts have no say in what guests wear as to the specifics of dress, it is not rude for a guest to decide that they will wear what they want as long as the formality of the event is adhered to.  Now we all know that rel@tionships have a lot more involved than etiquette, so this is where deciding for yourself whether to adhere to the hosts wishes,  or not, or decline the invite comes in.  It is not rude or PA to wear what you wish to a hosted event as long as you conform to the formality set forth by the hosts.

*The only exception to this that I can find is if the [church, temple, mosque] has rules that shoulders, hair etc... must be covered while in the house of worship.

All "yous" general.

These are my thoughts exactly.

[LeveeWoman]

What an absurd request.

Let's turn it around --would it be Ok for the bridal party to insist that all women wear heels, not flats, if they don't think flats are dressy enough for their wedding?

I don't know where people get the idea that heels are the only formal or dressy option. I cannot wear them at all but I have many flats that are sufficient. For me, demanding I wear heels would be the same as demanding that I come in a wheel chair because I cannot walk in them.

This brings me back to some earlier posts from Ehellions who wrote that women who are accustomed to wearing heels would find it painful--if not impossible--to wear flats.

Again, if I got such an invitation, my gift and I would stay home.

[hobish]

We are addressing two different etiquette aspects here. 

The first has to do with the hosts dress code.  According to etiquette, there are four dress codes.  White tie, black tie, semi formal (or informal) and casual.  Each of these has different requirements as to the formality of dress.  A host is allowed to dictate the formality of the event they are hosting, but is not allowed to dictate the specific forms of clothing worn by attendees, i.e. length of dress, jewelry, hairstyle, height of heels.  So a host who tries to tell their guests how to specifically dress is not following etiquette and is therefore "rude".

The second has to do with what one does when one receives an invitation that dictates a specific form of dress.  Since the hosts have no say in what guests wear as to the specifics of dress, it is not rude for a guest to decide that they will wear what they want as long as the formality of the event is adhered to.  Now we all know that rel@tionships have a lot more involved than etiquette, so this is where deciding for yourself whether to adhere to the hosts wishes,  or not, or decline the invite comes in.  It is not rude or PA to wear what you wish to a hosted event as long as you conform to the formality set forth by the hosts.

*The only exception to this that I can find is if the [church, temple, mosque] has rules that shoulders, hair etc... must be covered while in the house of worship.

All "yous" general.

Beautiful.

[Kiwichick]

I have no idea why you do what you do, it's not something I'd do.

It's not that I specifically do it; I said "we" for a reason.  It often happens on E-Hell where someone (not always the same person) suggests treating the question/suggestion as if it is a joke.

I edited my post you quoted as you were posting.

If you meant 'they' you should have used 'they' using 'we' includes yourself.

Yes, we does include me because I am a part of E-Hell.  It, however, does not mean only me, which is what your post seemed to imply.  I don't know why you're picking it apart so minutely but please stop.

Well this is rather disingenuous and unnecessary, if you'd quoted my entire post you would have included the edit I made almost immediately and certainly almost a day before you posted this.

'I have no idea why you do what you do, it's not something I'd do.

ETA - Sorry I misunderstood, I don't think I've seen PA behaviour being advocated here on EHell, I'd be surprised if it was and taken seriously since it's fairly rude.'

Making one suggestion towards clarity is hardly picking your post apart minutely.

[Mental Magpie]

I have no idea why you do what you do, it's not something I'd do.

It's not that I specifically do it; I said "we" for a reason.  It often happens on E-Hell where someone (not always the same person) suggests treating the question/suggestion as if it is a joke.

I edited my post you quoted as you were posting.

If you meant 'they' you should have used 'they' using 'we' includes yourself.

Yes, we does include me because I am a part of E-Hell.  It, however, does not mean only me, which is what your post seemed to imply.  I don't know why you're picking it apart so minutely but please stop.

Well this is rather disingenuous and unnecessary, if you'd quoted my entire post you would have included the edit I made almost immediately and certainly almost a day before you posted this.

'I have no idea why you do what you do, it's not something I'd do.

ETA - Sorry I misunderstood, I don't think I've seen PA behaviour being advocated here on EHell, I'd be surprised if it was and taken seriously since it's fairly rude.'

Making one suggestion towards clarity is hardly picking your post apart minutely.

I missed the ETA, my apologies.  I quoted what was already quoted; I didn't erase anything.

[Katana_Geldar]

The only time I would specify anything in terms of dress would be if it was required of the venue. Like a boat, for instance.

We don't even have a dress code on our invites, but then were both very laid back.

[Kiwichick]

I missed the ETA, my apologies.  I quoted what was already quoted; I didn't erase anything.

No worries