Bridal Party Dictating Shoes

[flowersintheattic]

Completely ridiculous. I'll go with the bride dictating flats to the bridal party, for the reason of staging photography (which is an important part of the wedding) to the bride's liking; but guests?

I'm a short woman and married a man who is a good foot taller than me. For my wedding, I did ask that my bridesmaids (the shortest of whom is a good five inches taller than me) to wear low heels (nothing over 2 inches) and flats, so that there wouldn't be as big of a height difference between me and everyone else in the wedding party.

That said, I have no idea why the height of the guests would matter. Is the couple planning on taking pictures with each of them individually?

[CakeEater]

I've been thinking more about it, and I think it's similar to asking female guests not to wear makeup so the bridal party looks better by comparison. I would ignore that request, and if I wanted to wear heals, I would ignore this request as well, because they are both equally rude and ridiculous.

[AngelBarchild]

Doesn't this clearly fall under "your house your rules"? It's their party, and they can make any rules they want, your option as a guest is to follow their rules or not go.

[ClaireC79]

To me this is no different from say a 'black and white' wedding, where they ask all guests to only wear black or white - I may think it's ridiculous but I'd either go with the request or not go, not think 'well that's stupid. I like wearing hot pink (or even this grey will be ok - it's the two together)

[Venus193]

It's not even easy to dance in completely flat shoes; it throws off your center of gravity.  Of course I could also be making an Interesting Assumption that there will be dancing at the wedding.

[msulinski]

We are addressing two different etiquette aspects here. 

The first has to do with the hosts dress code.  According to etiquette, there are four dress codes.  White tie, black tie, semi formal (or informal) and casual.  Each of these has different requirements as to the formality of dress.  A host is allowed to dictate the formality of the event they are hosting, but is not allowed to dictate the specific forms of clothing worn by attendees, i.e. length of dress, jewelry, hairstyle, height of heels.  So a host who tries to tell their guests how to specifically dress is not following etiquette and is therefore "rude".

The second has to do with what one does when one receives an invitation that dictates a specific form of dress.  Since the hosts have no say in what guests wear as to the specifics of dress, it is not rude for a guest to decide that they will wear what they want as long as the formality of the event is adhered to.  Now we all know that rel@tionships have a lot more involved than etiquette, so this is where deciding for yourself whether to adhere to the hosts wishes,  or not, or decline the invite comes in.  It is not rude or PA to wear what you wish to a hosted event as long as you conform to the formality set forth by the hosts.

*The only exception to this that I can find is if the [church, temple, mosque] has rules that shoulders, hair etc... must be covered while in the house of worship.

All "yous" general.

Well, you can consider the hosts' request rude, but that doesn't mean you get to ignore it. As I see it, a host can come up with any random request he/she wants. If an invited guest finds that he/she cannot or will not comply, then that guest is free to pass on the invitation.

[cheyne]

Actually, I can ignore it and I am not rude to do so because the hosts have no legitimate etiquette ground to stand on.  A host saying, "It's my special day and that's how I want it" is not valid under the terms of etiquette.

*If anyone here can cite an etiquette expert that says that hosts are allowed to dictate the clothing a guest wears (in regards to heel height, dress length, hairstyle, jewelry etc) I would like to see it.  If one exists, I will bow to the etiquette mavens knowledge.

[msulinski]

Actually, I can ignore it and I am not rude to do so because the hosts have no legitimate etiquette ground to stand on.  A host saying, "It's my special day and that's how I want it" is not valid under the terms of etiquette.

*If anyone here can cite an etiquette expert that says that hosts are allowed to dictate the clothing a guest wears (in regards to heel height, dress length, hairstyle, jewelry etc) I would like to see it.  If one exists, I will bow to the etiquette mavens knowledge.

Well, you can ignore it, but then you are the one being rude. Hosts can dictate anything they want.

[cheyne]

Actually, I can ignore it and I am not rude to do so because the hosts have no legitimate etiquette ground to stand on.  A host saying, "It's my special day and that's how I want it" is not valid under the terms of etiquette.

*If anyone here can cite an etiquette expert that says that hosts are allowed to dictate the clothing a guest wears (in regards to heel height, dress length, hairstyle, jewelry etc) I would like to see it.  If one exists, I will bow to the etiquette mavens knowledge.

Well, you can ignore it, but then you are the one being rude. Hosts can dictate anything they want.

Do you have a source for that?  I have been looking all over the 'net and can't find one etiquette expert who says that "Hosts can dictate anything they want." 

[Sootikin]

Actually, I can ignore it and I am not rude to do so because the hosts have no legitimate etiquette ground to stand on.  A host saying, "It's my special day and that's how I want it" is not valid under the terms of etiquette.

*If anyone here can cite an etiquette expert that says that hosts are allowed to dictate the clothing a guest wears (in regards to heel height, dress length, hairstyle, jewelry etc) I would like to see it.  If one exists, I will bow to the etiquette mavens knowledge.

Well, you can ignore it, but then you are the one being rude. Hosts can dictate anything they want.

Do you have a source for that?  I have been looking all over the 'net and can't find one etiquette expert who says that "Hosts can dictate anything they want."

I'd be interested in seeing a source that says a host can't set rules for their party.

[Mental Magpie]

Actually, I can ignore it and I am not rude to do so because the hosts have no legitimate etiquette ground to stand on.  A host saying, "It's my special day and that's how I want it" is not valid under the terms of etiquette.

*If anyone here can cite an etiquette expert that says that hosts are allowed to dictate the clothing a guest wears (in regards to heel height, dress length, hairstyle, jewelry etc) I would like to see it.  If one exists, I will bow to the etiquette mavens knowledge.

Well, you can ignore it, but then you are the one being rude. Hosts can dictate anything they want.

Do you have a source for that?  I have been looking all over the 'net and can't find one etiquette expert who says that "Hosts can dictate anything they want."

I'd be interested in seeing a source that says a host can't set rules for their party.

They can set rules for their party, but that doesn't mean it is OK for the rules to be rude.

[Tilt Fairy]

A wedding is a private party. Hypothetically, if the Happy Couple felt that strongly about an absurd rule, they could turn people away at the door for not adhering to it. There is no 'right' of anyone to enter if the couple don't want people there who don't follow a certain requirement.

We all agree that the rule is ridiculous. There seems to be a unanimous consensus on this. Why there appears to be some disagreement over whether some would decline or some would go anyway but wear heels regardless of the request is because we don't know how strongly the couple feel about the 'no heels' rule. To put a spin on it, to those who say they would go and wear heels anyway, what if you had (hypothetically) heard that the rule was really important to the couple and that it would really upset them to see guests taller than them? Would you still go and wear heels? Would you go and wear flats or would you decline?

If I sincerely hand on my heart knew that something would upset someone (however irrational and stupid I thought the request was), I would adhere to it to attend a wedding I wanted to go to. If I felt so strongly that the absurdity should not be tolerated or it was an expense/burden/huge detriment to myself or my proximity to the couple didn't outweigh my desire to wear what I wanted, I just simply wouldn't go. And that isn't just specific to this wedding situation, it goes for all walks of life.

I'm guessing the disagreement in this thread is because we don't really know how set in stone this rule is. It could merely be a preference or something that's really important to the couple. I think it would be sensible for a guest to ask around and thus gauge the seriousness of the request beforehand. If I wasn't sure beforehand, myself personally would always take the safe (and just to be nice for the sake of being nice! because flats to heels isn't such a huge deal to *me* option) rather than defect as my default option. If the couple wasn't so close to me and I would really be uncomfortable in flats, I just wouldn't go.

You can still think something is ridiculous and still be okay with adhering to it (obv unless it is immoral, illegal etc.. etc..) They're not mutually exclusive emotions. If it *is* important to you to wear heels as you don't feel happy or comfortable in flats, then why not simply politely ask the happy couple beforehand for guidance? You can never go wrong in life by asking if you are unsure.

[hobish]

A wedding is a private party. Hypothetically, if the Happy Couple felt that strongly about an absurd rule, they could turn people away at the door for not adhering to it. There is no 'right' of anyone to enter if the couple don't want people there who don't follow a certain requirement.

We all agree that the rule is ridiculous. There seems to be a unanimous consensus on this. Why there appears to be some disagreement over whether some would decline or some would go anyway but wear heels regardless of the request is because we don't know how strongly the couple feel about the 'no heels' rule. To put a spin on it, to those who say they would go and wear heels anyway, what if you had (hypothetically) heard that the rule was really important to the couple and that it would really upset them to see guests taller than them? Would you still go and wear heels? Would you go and wear flats or would you decline?

If I sincerely hand on my heart knew that something would upset someone (however irrational and stupid I thought the request was), I would adhere to it to attend a wedding I wanted to go to. If I felt so strongly that the absurdity should not be tolerated or it was an expense/burden/huge detriment to myself or my proximity to the couple didn't outweigh my desire to wear what I wanted, I just simply wouldn't go. And that isn't just specific to this wedding situation, it goes for all walks of life.

I'm guessing the disagreement in this thread is because we don't really know how set in stone this rule is. It could merely be a preference or something that's really important to the couple. I think it would be sensible for a guest to ask around and thus gauge the seriousness of the request beforehand. If I wasn't sure beforehand, myself personally would always take the safe (and just to be nice for the sake of being nice! because flats to heels isn't such a huge deal to *me* option) rather than defect as my default option. If the couple wasn't so close to me and I would really be uncomfortable in flats, I just wouldn't go.

You can still think something is ridiculous and still be okay with adhering to it (obv unless it is immoral, illegal etc.. etc..) They're not mutually exclusive emotions. If it *is* important to you to wear heels as you don't feel happy or comfortable in flats, then why not simply politely ask the happy couple beforehand for guidance? You can never go wrong in life by asking if you are unsure.

If someone was going to be really and truly upset at my choice of footwear i would probably not attend, and would probably limit my interaction with them at all. I do not have time in my life for that kind of petty drama. I am not trying to be mean or snarky; i'm serious. If someone is that easily upset over minor details that have so little to do with them we are not going to get along well in general. We're just not. And as i have said before - that is ok, not everyone has to be or is meant to be friends.

[Tilt Fairy]

A wedding is a private party. Hypothetically, if the Happy Couple felt that strongly about an absurd rule, they could turn people away at the door for not adhering to it. There is no 'right' of anyone to enter if the couple don't want people there who don't follow a certain requirement.

We all agree that the rule is ridiculous. There seems to be a unanimous consensus on this. Why there appears to be some disagreement over whether some would decline or some would go anyway but wear heels regardless of the request is because we don't know how strongly the couple feel about the 'no heels' rule. To put a spin on it, to those who say they would go and wear heels anyway, what if you had (hypothetically) heard that the rule was really important to the couple and that it would really upset them to see guests taller than them? Would you still go and wear heels? Would you go and wear flats or would you decline?

If I sincerely hand on my heart knew that something would upset someone (however irrational and stupid I thought the request was), I would adhere to it to attend a wedding I wanted to go to. If I felt so strongly that the absurdity should not be tolerated or it was an expense/burden/huge detriment to myself or my proximity to the couple didn't outweigh my desire to wear what I wanted, I just simply wouldn't go. And that isn't just specific to this wedding situation, it goes for all walks of life.

I'm guessing the disagreement in this thread is because we don't really know how set in stone this rule is. It could merely be a preference or something that's really important to the couple. I think it would be sensible for a guest to ask around and thus gauge the seriousness of the request beforehand. If I wasn't sure beforehand, myself personally would always take the safe (and just to be nice for the sake of being nice! because flats to heels isn't such a huge deal to *me* option) rather than defect as my default option. If the couple wasn't so close to me and I would really be uncomfortable in flats, I just wouldn't go.

You can still think something is ridiculous and still be okay with adhering to it (obv unless it is immoral, illegal etc.. etc..) They're not mutually exclusive emotions. If it *is* important to you to wear heels as you don't feel happy or comfortable in flats, then why not simply politely ask the happy couple beforehand for guidance? You can never go wrong in life by asking if you are unsure.

If someone was going to be really and truly upset at my choice of footwear i would probably not attend, and would probably limit my interaction with them at all. I do not have time in my life for that kind of petty drama. I am not trying to be mean or snarky; i'm serious. If someone is that easily upset over minor details that have so little to do with them we are not going to get along well in general. We're just not. And as i have said before - that is ok, not everyone has to be or is meant to be friends.

Exactly. If I thought it was too much, I'd decline. If the pettiness was ridiculous, I'd decline. I just wouldn't go and wear heels if they were that much on edge about it. Save myself and them a headache and stay at home.

[Tea Drinker]

Something else occurs to me: I wear flats by choice anyhow (partly for medical reasons, but the relevant point is that I won't be in shoes with more than an inch of heel). My girlfriend also tends to wear flats, but she's five inches taller than I am (which puts her a bit above average height for a woman). And there are women significantly taller than that. Is it reasonable for the bride and groom to select their wedding guests based on their height in bare feet?

If not, it seems a bit silly to insist that a woman who is five feet one inch tall wear flats to avoid looking taller than the bride, even though there are likely to be wedding guests significantly taller in flats than that woman would be in six-inch heels. (I know "don't wear heels that increase your height to more than five feet four" would look even weirder on the invitation, even if that's what they're really after.) If the issue is partly that the groom is bothered by feeling shorter than female guests, is he also going to be bothered by male guests who are 8-12 inches taller than he is?

That said, I probably wouldn't make a fuss, just quietly make a note that these people have standards for their friends that might not fit well with how I live, and send my regrets.