Bridal Party Dictating Shoes

[Mental Magpie]

Today's Dear Abby bothered me.  It's the last letter.

http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/

In summary, a guest does not have a pair of flats to match the dress she plans on wearing to wedding.  The bridal party has requested that women do not wear heals because the bridal party is short.  Abby suggest the guest (and LW) either dye a pair of flats to match or not go.  I think Abby really, really, really missed the mark on this one.

What about guests who are already naturally tall?  Should they not go?  I also think the bridal party is out of line in telling guests which type of shoes to wear.  Dictating the formality of the event is one thing (casual versus black tie), but telling guests what kind of shoes (when the shoes are not relevant to the location, ie "The ground is likely to be mushy and high heals may sink in.") to wear is pushing it.  Even the LW mentions of hearing how bridal parties are telling guests what colors to wear, and I think this is along the same lines.  What say you?

[LeveeWoman]

Bridezilla needs to grow up.

[SamiHami]

Abby Jr. just does not have the common sense that her mother did. That is probably one of the dumbest responses I've seen since she took over. No, the HC cannot dictate what footwear the guests wear and that request simply should be ignored.

[Judah]

Bridezilla needs to grow up.

So this. 

[rose red]

I've been to plenty of weddings and never notice anyone's height.  I also never not noticed the person in the big white dress in the middle of the crowd, short/tall/thin/heavy.  Bride needs to get over herself.

[msulinski]

I agree - that request is ridiculous. Presumably they are old enough and mature enough now to have come to terms with their heights.

[WillyNilly]

Wow.

I do agree with one part of Abby's answer - this guest should absolutely consider not going. What an obnoxious request!  Heck, there are some women who wear heels so regularly that their gastrocnemius/soleus muscles have shortened and wearing flats for any amount of time (especially active time like dancing) can be painful!

When I got married I was surprised by the number of women who told me the color of the dress they planned to wear, and then asked "that's ok right?" I didn't even dictate the color of my bridesmaids, I sure as heck didn't care what my guests wore!  But apparently each asked me because they had previously been instructed on what colors could/could not be worn at weddings.

[CakeBeret]

Wow.

I would be irritated, but not enough to decline, probably. I generally prefer flats anyway, but none of my flats are formal enough for a wedding. Passive-Aggressive Me would wear flip-flops--after all, they are flats--but Civil Me would suck it up and wear flats, even if they didn't necessarily match.

I think Abby should have touched on the fact that it was a rude request in the first place.

[BeagleMommy]

Wow!  That's pretty audacious of the bride.  I've seen girls get all Bridezilla over their attendants, but never the guests.  I really think Dear Abby missed the mark on this one.

[CluelessBride]

Abby Jr. just does not have the common sense that her mother did. That is probably one of the dumbest responses I've seen since she took over. No, the HC cannot dictate what footwear the guests wear and that request simply should be ignored.

While I agree that the request is ridiculous, I think ignoring it and showing up in heals is retaliatory rudeness. An invitation is not a summons. If you don't like the rules, then decline. But breaking them to point out the rudeness or out of defiance doesn't win you any etiquette points.

If the request were "black tie attire", Abby's response would be spot on (either figure something out or politely decline). Why is it okay to request that someone wear a dress of a certain type but not shoes of a certain type? Basically because of tradition.  So while I dislike these new requests, and think Abby could have acknowledged that it was a little odd in her reply, I actually think her advice is correct: comply or politely decline.

 

[onyonryngs]

You can't tell the guests what shoes to wear.  That's nutty!

[Mental Magpie]

Abby Jr. just does not have the common sense that her mother did. That is probably one of the dumbest responses I've seen since she took over. No, the HC cannot dictate what footwear the guests wear and that request simply should be ignored.

While I agree that the request is ridiculous, I think ignoring it and showing up in heals is retaliatory rudeness. An invitation is not a summons. If you don't like the rules, then decline. But breaking them to point out the rudeness or out of defiance doesn't win you any etiquette points.

If the request were "black tie attire", Abby's response would be spot on (either figure something out or politely decline). Why is it okay to request that someone wear a dress of a certain type but not shoes of a certain type? Basically because of tradition.  So while I dislike these new requests, and think Abby could have acknowledged that it was a little odd in her reply, I actually think her advice is correct: comply or politely decline.

Except that "Black Tie Attire" is a formality issue.  That is completely different than "We're short and don't want people to be taller than us on our wedding day!".

[Redneck Gravy]

I don't think Abby missed the mark entirely either. 

She gave the LW options - either wear different shoes or decline.  How hard is that?

However, I agree with everyone else about the ridiculousness of the request. 

Brides are becoming more and more demanding, I am waiting for the news that a guest was refused admission into a wedding because of their attire.  (high heels for example)     

[Tilt Fairy]

Oh my goodness! The first time I read this, I thought the LW was a bridesmaid and I was like eh? Don't bride's have an input over the style/colour/make/fitting of their bridesmaids hair/dress/shoes/jewellery etc.. etc...? But then I read that we were talking about GUESTS here. That's ridiculous! That's so so so silly. Bride needs to have a word with herself about how silly she is being! It's an absurd request!

If I was the guest and didn't own flats or didn't want to wear flats or didn't think I was close enough to the couple to do either, I would decline to attend. The couple obviously feel self-concious about their height and if they don't want people there wearing heels, I just wouldn't go. I wouldn't go and wear heels and upset them just to prove the point of how ridiculous they are being. I wouldn't want to upset someone on their special day if they've asked me to wear something and I couldn't/didn't want to. Regardless of the daftness or unreasonableness of the request.

[LadyClaire]

So what does the bridal party do if a guest is naturally taller than everyone? Demand that the person hunch over or spend the wedding sitting down?

Trying to dictate that a guest must avoid wearing high heels because of the height difference it creates it ridiculous. Honestly, in every wedding I've ever been to I have never really noticed the difference in height between the bridal party and guests. I've noticed if a groomsman is a lot taller than a bridesmaid (at his brother's wedding, my 6'1 husband was paired with a 5'0 bridesmaid. Needless to say it looked a bit funny), but never if a guest is taller.