Bridal Party Dictating Shoes

[Tilt Fairy]

Part of the problem I see here is that I don't think it's so black and white as go or don't go.  A lot of times on here, when a question or a suggestion is so inappropriate as to be considered ridiculous, we tell the person something along the lines of to act as if the person can't be serious.  I don't think going in heals would be passive aggressive and would be along the lines of pretending you thought it was a joke.

"Oh, I thought you were just kidding!  I can't imagine me wearing heals being any different than 6 foot Sally, so I thought it was a joke."

Pretending that you think their request is a joke and wearing what you have specifically been asked not to is PA.  Heck, if you google Passive aggressive behaviour the first link has this in the very first paragraph '...indirectly resisting requests from others by evading or creating confusion around the issue. Not going along with things. It can either be covert (concealed and hidden) or overt (blatant and obvious).'

It's a ridiculous request but I can't think of a single gracious way to not comply.

Then why do we suggest it in other instances?

I have never heard it suggested. I can't believe any reasonable person would ever take the default action of "joking until proved serious" rather than the other way round - especially when it's something as important as someones wedding day. I might *think* or *hope* they were joking. But if I decided to go, I would wear flats to the wedding and stash a pair of heels in my car/hotel room/large clutch bag rather than the other way round.

Nobody ever gets flamed for taking something seriously that's a joke request. The maximum damage is a slightly sheepish and gullible feeling. However, taking something jokingly that's a serious request might be a little more damaging. Best err on the side of caution. For people you don't know like the back of your hand and when it's something as important as a wedding day, take all requests at face value and then if it turns out it is a joke, laugh along with everyone else.

[Sootikin]

I don't think wearing heels anyway would be PA (why is everything but everything designated PA these days? It makes me crazy). It is a request, not a command. I would just ignore it and do whatever i was going to do anyway. If they had the gall to say something about it, that is when i would leave. I would imagine most people by that point would have other things to be worried about that what is on their guests' feet.

Bolding mine ^

Because in this case wearing heels after the bridal couple has asked you not to is PA.  You have the option of declining to attend.

[Shoo]

I don't think wearing heels anyway would be PA (why is everything but everything designated PA these days? It makes me crazy). It is a request, not a command. I would just ignore it and do whatever i was going to do anyway. If they had the gall to say something about it, that is when i would leave. I would imagine most people by that point would have other things to be worried about that what is on their guests' feet.

Bolding mine ^

Because in this case wearing heels after the bridal couple has asked you not to is PA.  You have the option of declining to attend.

Sometimes PA is okay.  It cannot be said to ALWAYS be wrong.  In this case, I think everyone should be PA and wear whatever shoes they want to.  I would not miss a wedding I wanted to attend just because the bride was on a power trip over something this stupid.  What if the groom were my relative, or good friend?  Not attending the wedding would be like cutting off your nose to spite your face. 

This is one of those requests that is just so absolutely ridiculous ...

[whatsanenigma]

I don't think wearing heels anyway would be PA (why is everything but everything designated PA these days? It makes me crazy). It is a request, not a command. I would just ignore it and do whatever i was going to do anyway. If they had the gall to say something about it, that is when i would leave. I would imagine most people by that point would have other things to be worried about that what is on their guests' feet.

Bolding mine ^

Because in this case wearing heels after the bridal couple has asked you not to is PA.  You have the option of declining to attend.

One other point to consider, though, is that there are heels and there are heels.  I think that with a request like this, if you were planning on wearing a small heel, it would be okay to go ahead and do that, but that it would be PA to wear a really obvious, really high, heel.  If the invitation had said "please wear flats" instead of "please don't wear heels" I might feel differently, but in this case I think the middle ground is important to point out. IMHO of course and as usual.

[Winterlight]

The choices are:

1) Wear flats.  You are acquiescing to a ridiculous demand but keeping the bridal party happy.
2) Wear heels. You are not acquiescing to a ridiculous demand but are doing something the bridal party asked you not to.
3) Don't Go.  You are not acquiescing to a ridiculous demand and are keeping the bridal party happy.

These are all false choices because the bridal party is being ridiculous.

Agreed. I don't think these people are mature enough to be getting married.

[hobish]

I don't think wearing heels anyway would be PA (why is everything but everything designated PA these days? It makes me crazy). It is a request, not a command. I would just ignore it and do whatever i was going to do anyway. If they had the gall to say something about it, that is when i would leave. I would imagine most people by that point would have other things to be worried about that what is on their guests' feet.

Bolding mine ^

Because in this case wearing heels after the bridal couple has asked you not to is PA.  You have the option of declining to attend.

No, it isn't. Maybe you yourself would wear heels in a passive attempt to get your own way, and maybe you would do it in a hostile or intentionally frustrating manner; but you can hardly say it is the motive across the board for everyone with any sort of certainty. PA has as much or more to do with intent as actions. I can't speak for what your motives might be in such a situation, and neither can you speak for mine.

[Sootikin]

I've said it's a ridiculous request, but I'd presume they feel very strongly about it since they put it right there on the invitation. 

If I was close to the couple I'd either ask them if they were serious or inwardly roll my eyes and wear flats, depending on my relationship with them.  If I wasn't close to them I'd probably not attend.

Note, I rarely wear anything under a 4 inch heel.

[Tilt Fairy]

I don't think wearing heels anyway would be PA (why is everything but everything designated PA these days? It makes me crazy). It is a request, not a command. I would just ignore it and do whatever i was going to do anyway. If they had the gall to say something about it, that is when i would leave. I would imagine most people by that point would have other things to be worried about that what is on their guests' feet.

Bolding mine ^

Because in this case wearing heels after the bridal couple has asked you not to is PA.  You have the option of declining to attend.

Sometimes PA is okay.  It cannot be said to ALWAYS be wrong.  In this case, I think everyone should be PA and wear whatever shoes they want to.  I would not miss a wedding I wanted to attend just because the bride was on a power trip over something this stupid.  What if the groom were my relative, or good friend?  Not attending the wedding would be like cutting off your nose to spite your face. 

This is one of those requests that is just so absolutely ridiculous ...

Yeah but if it were my good friend or relative, I'd just suck it up and wear flats even if I wanted to wear heels. If you want to go to the wedding you can either wear heels or you can wear flats. Rather I be grumpy than the happy couple. Even if their request is ludicrous. I'm sure all of us do things every day to please people, even if their requests are irrational (within reason) and to attend someone's wedding day I love, i'd do it if it was important to them. You don't have to sacrifice going to someones wedding you want to so it's not cutting off your nose to spite your face. You do actually have the option to wear flats and go. You just have to weigh up "how close you are to the couple vs how much you don't want to wear flats." For someone you're not close to, the decision is a lot easier.

Don't get me wrong, this is an absurd request and the couple are being silly but if I truly wanted to be there, i'd just wear flats. In the grand scheme of things, it's not the worst of worst attire requests they could make. The request is idiotic, but I wouldn't wear heels if it's something that was important to them.

[Sootikin]

I don't think wearing heels anyway would be PA (why is everything but everything designated PA these days? It makes me crazy). It is a request, not a command. I would just ignore it and do whatever i was going to do anyway. If they had the gall to say something about it, that is when i would leave. I would imagine most people by that point would have other things to be worried about that what is on their guests' feet.

Bolding mine ^

Because in this case wearing heels after the bridal couple has asked you not to is PA.  You have the option of declining to attend.

No, it isn't. Maybe you yourself would wear heels in a passive attempt to get your own way, and maybe you would do it in a hostile or intentionally frustrating manner; but you can hardly say it is the motive across the board for everyone with any sort of certainty. PA has as much or more to do with intent as actions. I can't speak for what your motives might be in such a situation, and neither can you speak for mine.

You can't make PA mean what you want it to mean.  The scenario Mental posed is PA. 

I wouldn't wear heels in a passive attempt to get my own way, or in a hostile or intentionally frustrating manner.  I'd either decline, wear flats or speak to the couple before deciding on either.

[Tilt Fairy]

I don't think wearing heels anyway would be PA (why is everything but everything designated PA these days? It makes me crazy). It is a request, not a command. I would just ignore it and do whatever i was going to do anyway. If they had the gall to say something about it, that is when i would leave. I would imagine most people by that point would have other things to be worried about that what is on their guests' feet.

Bolding mine ^

Because in this case wearing heels after the bridal couple has asked you not to is PA.  You have the option of declining to attend.

No, it isn't. Maybe you yourself would wear heels in a passive attempt to get your own way, and maybe you would do it in a hostile or intentionally frustrating manner; but you can hardly say it is the motive across the board for everyone with any sort of certainty. PA has as much or more to do with intent as actions. I can't speak for what your motives might be in such a situation, and neither can you speak for mine.

You can't make PA mean what you want it to mean.  The scenario Mental posed is PA. 

I wouldn't wear heels in a passive attempt to get my own way, or in a hostile or intentionally frustrating manner.  I'd either decline, wear flats or speak to the couple before deciding on either.

^ Exactly. The above is terribly sensible and it really is that simple. I can't believe some people think they have no option. You do! Either don't go or go and wear flats! I detest the word PA with a passion and it is ridiculously overused on this site but this is the very dictionary definition of it. Why decide to take the non-nice antagonising route and deliberately wear heels when they've asked you not to? Regardless of what you think of the request.

[Hmmmmm]

I don't think wearing heels anyway would be PA (why is everything but everything designated PA these days? It makes me crazy). It is a request, not a command. I would just ignore it and do whatever i was going to do anyway. If they had the gall to say something about it, that is when i would leave. I would imagine most people by that point would have other things to be worried about that what is on their guests' feet.

Bolding mine ^

Because in this case wearing heels after the bridal couple has asked you not to is PA.  You have the option of declining to attend.

Sometimes PA is okay.  It cannot be said to ALWAYS be wrong.  In this case, I think everyone should be PA and wear whatever shoes they want to.  I would not miss a wedding I wanted to attend just because the bride was on a power trip over something this stupid.  What if the groom were my relative, or good friend?  Not attending the wedding would be like cutting off your nose to spite your face. 

This is one of those requests that is just so absolutely ridiculous ...

Interesting that you think this was the bride's request.  To me, I thought it sounded much more like the request of a man insecure in his height. 

But even if it is a joint decision by the bridal couple, then your options are to conform to their request or not attend.  If you really want to attend you do as they request.

But honestly, if I had a real reason for not wanting to wear flats (other than thinking they make me look dumpy when wearing more formal clothing) then I'd reach out to the couple or a relative to find out just how strongly they feel about the subject.  If it was a "we'd appreciate everyone wearing flats but it's not going to ruin our wedding if you don't" then I'd do what I wanted.  Sort of like the couple's who want to to with a black and white theme. 

[Shoo]

Why decide to take the non-nice antagonising route and deliberately wear heels when they've asked you not to? Regardless of what you think of the request.

Because they're not the boss of the world?  Because they don't get to MAKE that request.  Well, they can make it, but they don't get to expect people to take it seriously.

[Tilt Fairy]

Why decide to take the non-nice antagonising route and deliberately wear heels when they've asked you not to? Regardless of what you think of the request.

Because they're not the boss of the world?  Because they don't get to MAKE that request.  Well, they can make it, but they don't get to expect people to take it seriously.

But then just don't go to the wedding. If you don't like a request, don't go. If you feel that your want to attend the wedding or that you are close enough to the couple cannot overpower your dislike of wearing flats then by all means don't attend. And vice versa.

As others have suggested, you could talk to them in private politely and ask how set in stone the foot ware request was. If they said that it was very important to them as they were very sensitive about their height, i'd wear flats or I wouldn't go if my preference for shoes trumped my desire to attend. If they said that 'they would prefer people wear flats but heels are fine', then you can go and choose  to wear either (flats would make them extra happy)

[Shoo]

Why decide to take the non-nice antagonising route and deliberately wear heels when they've asked you not to? Regardless of what you think of the request.

Because they're not the boss of the world?  Because they don't get to MAKE that request.  Well, they can make it, but they don't get to expect people to take it seriously.

But then just don't go to the wedding. If you don't like a request, don't go. If you feel that your want to attend the wedding or that you are close enough to the couple cannot overpower your dislike of wearing flats then by all means don't attend. And vice versa.

My point is that folks shouldn't have to miss a wedding that might be important to them just because the bride makes a ridiculous request.  People don't have to do what she says.  She doesn't get to demand people do whatever she says.  She just doesn't.

[Tilt Fairy]

Why decide to take the non-nice antagonising route and deliberately wear heels when they've asked you not to? Regardless of what you think of the request.

Because they're not the boss of the world?  Because they don't get to MAKE that request.  Well, they can make it, but they don't get to expect people to take it seriously.

But then just don't go to the wedding. If you don't like a request, don't go. If you feel that your want to attend the wedding or that you are close enough to the couple cannot overpower your dislike of wearing flats then by all means don't attend. And vice versa.

My point is that folks shouldn't have to miss a wedding that might be important to them just because the bride makes a ridiculous request.  People don't have to do what she says.  She doesn't get to demand people do whatever she says.  She just doesn't.

But you do understand you don't have to miss the wedding right? You can choose to follow the unreasonable request and thus attend. You have the option. Like I've said, you weigh up your desire to attend the wedding with your desire not to wear flats and make a personal assessment as to what comes out top. It's a painfully painfully simple approach.

What you feel about the request and how you should react to the request are two completely different things.