Bridal Party Dictating Shoes

[onyonryngs]

I don't think wearing heels anyway would be PA (why is everything but everything designated PA these days? It makes me crazy). It is a request, not a command. I would just ignore it and do whatever i was going to do anyway. If they had the gall to say something about it, that is when i would leave. I would imagine most people by that point would have other things to be worried about that what is on their guests' feet.

Bolding mine ^

Because in this case wearing heels after the bridal couple has asked you not to is PA.  You have the option of declining to attend.

I think it's only PA if you purposefully change your original shoe plans so that you wear heels in spite of the couple.  But if you originally intended to wear heels, I wouldn't say that was PA. 

[CakeEater]

I'm 6 feet tall. I usually do wear flats, but honestly, my standing next to short people makes them feel short. An extra 3 inches would make no difference whatsoever. I wonder if I'd even be invited?

This request smacks of making your guests props in your show. I wouldn't consider it appropriate to ask all my male guests to wear lifts in their shoes so that I didn't feel like a giant person on my wedding day.

If this was a friend, I think I'd decline, regardless of whether I was planning to wear flats or not.

[Katana_Geldar]

That's ridiculous. I'm not even telling my BMs what shoes to wear or how to do their hair or make up because they're all so different. All they have the same is the dress (which suits them all nicely) and the flowers. Just nice black shoes, and every girl has a pair of those.

But dictating to guests is just too controlling.

[Corvid]

I agree that this is a completely inappropriate request for the bridal couple to make of their guests.  I would not attend any wedding with such a ridiculous stipulation.  And it's rare I don't wear flats.

[lilfox]

I think when it is suggested to treat a ridiculous request/demand as a joke, it is to see if it can be lightly pointed out to the requester that their request is silly or impossible.  Unless this couple only invited people shorter than they are, what they are requesting ultimately is impossible: they will not be the tallest there even if no one wears heels.  If they really care what the photos look like, the couple should stand on a riser!  Problem solved.

Personally I thought Abby's suggestion to "dye an old pair of flats" was ridiculous - how many old dressy shoes are a)dye able, or b)not already too scuffed to wear to a dressy event??

[Shoo]

Why decide to take the non-nice antagonising route and deliberately wear heels when they've asked you not to? Regardless of what you think of the request.

Because they're not the boss of the world?  Because they don't get to MAKE that request.  Well, they can make it, but they don't get to expect people to take it seriously.

But then just don't go to the wedding. If you don't like a request, don't go. If you feel that your want to attend the wedding or that you are close enough to the couple cannot overpower your dislike of wearing flats then by all means don't attend. And vice versa.

My point is that folks shouldn't have to miss a wedding that might be important to them just because the bride makes a ridiculous request.  People don't have to do what she says.  She doesn't get to demand people do whatever she says.  She just doesn't.

But you do understand you don't have to miss the wedding right? You can choose to follow the unreasonable request and thus attend. You have the option. Like I've said, you weigh up your desire to attend the wedding with your desire not to wear flats and make a personal assessment as to what comes out top. It's a painfully painfully simple approach.

What you feel about the request and how you should react to the request are two completely different things.

And I'm saying I disagree with you.  There are not only two choices here.  My choice would be to attend the wedding and wear whatever shoes I wanted to.  That is a perfectly acceptable choice, IMO.

[CluelessBride]

And I'm saying I disagree with you.  There are not only two choices here.  My choice would be to attend the wedding and wear whatever shoes I wanted to.  That is a perfectly acceptable choice, IMO.

Honestly, if I attended a wedding where the couple specified on the invitation not to wear heels and I saw a guest wearing heals, I might think the couple was being snowflakey, but I'd also think the guest was a jerk.

The couple doesn't rule the world, but it's their wedding. Invited guests should either follow the rules (no matter how silly) or not show up.   

[LifeOnPluto]

It's definitely an unreasonable request.

Just out of curiousity though, if a guest did ignore the direction, and wore high heels, would the Bride be within her rights to refuse that guest entry to the wedding?

[Shoo]

And I'm saying I disagree with you.  There are not only two choices here.  My choice would be to attend the wedding and wear whatever shoes I wanted to.  That is a perfectly acceptable choice, IMO.

Honestly, if I attended a wedding where the couple specified on the invitation not to wear heels and I saw a guest wearing heals, I might think the couple was being snowflakey, but I'd also think the guest was a jerk.

You'd pass judgment on someone you knew absolutely nothing about, with circumstances you know nothing about? 

I don't think ignoring a completely irrational and ridiculous request makes anyone a jerk.  But if you're saying you think I'm a jerk because I believe this way, okay.

[CluelessBride]

And I'm saying I disagree with you.  There are not only two choices here.  My choice would be to attend the wedding and wear whatever shoes I wanted to.  That is a perfectly acceptable choice, IMO.

Honestly, if I attended a wedding where the couple specified on the invitation not to wear heels and I saw a guest wearing heals, I might think the couple was being snowflakey, but I'd also think the guest was a jerk.

You'd pass judgment on someone you knew absolutely nothing about, with circumstances you know nothing about? 

I don't think ignoring a completely irrational and ridiculous request makes anyone a jerk.  But if you're saying you think I'm a jerk because I believe this way, okay.

Let me clarify: I'd think they were being/acting like a jerk. I don't actually think one action makes a person a jerk. But yes, I think deliberately doing something you know will upset the couple on their wedding day is a jerk move.

But part of it is I don't see it as completely irrational. They are establishing a dress code. That's a very acceptable thing to do for a wedding. So to me, someone showing up in heels instead of flats would be akin to someone showing up to a black tie wedding in a sundress. I know a lot of people that think black tie is an irrational unreasonable dress code for a wedding because not everyone has black tie attire (especially true in my social circle). But if you don't want to meet the dress code, don't go. Don't ignore it because you think it's unreasonable.

Honestly, if a couple is truly important enough to me that I feel like I *have* to be at their wedding and can't decline, I can suck it up and follow their dress code.

[Mental Magpie]

And I'm saying I disagree with you.  There are not only two choices here.  My choice would be to attend the wedding and wear whatever shoes I wanted to.  That is a perfectly acceptable choice, IMO.

Honestly, if I attended a wedding where the couple specified on the invitation not to wear heels and I saw a guest wearing heals, I might think the couple was being snowflakey, but I'd also think the guest was a jerk.

You'd pass judgment on someone you knew absolutely nothing about, with circumstances you know nothing about? 

I don't think ignoring a completely irrational and ridiculous request makes anyone a jerk.  But if you're saying you think I'm a jerk because I believe this way, okay.

Let me clarify: I'd think they were being/acting like a jerk. I don't actually think one action makes a person a jerk. But yes, I think deliberately doing something you know will upset the couple on their wedding day is a jerk move.

But part of it is I don't see it as completely irrational. They are establishing a dress code. That's a very acceptable thing to do for a wedding. So to me, someone showing up in heels instead of flats would be akin to someone showing up to a black tie wedding in a sundress. I know a lot of people that think black tie is an irrational unreasonable dress code for a wedding because not everyone has black tie attire (especially true in my social circle). But if you don't want to meet the dress code, don't go. Don't ignore it because you think it's unreasonable.

Honestly, if a couple is truly important enough to me that I feel like I *have* to be at their wedding and can't decline, I can suck it up and follow their dress code.

A dress code is completely different than dictating exactly what sort of clothing a person wears.  For example, the couple can dictate Black Tie without discourse but cannot dictate "You will wear a jacket with only three buttons total".  They can say "Semi-Casual" but cannot say "No bracelets!"  The point is, it is acceptable to give a broad category but not so to dictate a fine detail such as what sort of shoes someone wears.  That is where it becomes unreasonable.

[CluelessBride]

But "flats" or "no heels" is still pretty open. In fact, it's a lot more open than black tie. And even if it weren't you can decline. Just like you could decline if they were having their wedding on top of Mt. Everest at 3 am on Christmas morning.

Again, you don't have to like the rules (and I actually don't particularly like this one - my dress shoes are almost exclusively heels). But ignoring them is rude. Retaliatory rudeness is still rude.

I'll add that if you are close to the couple, you may be able to politely persuade them to change their minds about the rule. But I just can't understand why breaking it because you don't like it or think its irrational is polite.

[blarg314]

I agree that "dye an old pair of flats" is a piece of advice from a different era. The *only* cases I know of dying shoes are people who bought dyeable shoes specifically to have them dyed to match bridesmaid's dresses.

I'd be tempted to think of the request as a joke, because it's so bizarre.  I'd also be tempted to give an advance present of nicely decorated wedding boxes for the bridal party to stand on.

Personally, if it were a casual acquaintance, I'd decline the invitation (or rescind the RSVP if the instructions came after I had replied). If it were someone close, like a family member, I'd go, but assume the shoe instructions were a joke.

Evil blarg would show up with flats and a bag over her head, and explain that she didn't want her ravishing beauty to make the wedding party feel self conscious.

On second thought, running shoes are flats, right? 

[afbluebelle]

http://www.etsy.com/listing/105065435/barefoot-sandles-foot-jewelry-anklet?ref=sr_gallery_5&ga_includes[]=tags&ga_search_query=foot+jewelry&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery

Would these be okay if they didn't have the wedding colors?

[Aeris]

I might be inclined to call up the HC and tell them that I unfortunately did not own any appropriate* flat shoes, and it was not in my budget to purchase any new ones before the wedding, so in light of that, would they prefer I decline or show up heeled?


*Appropriate = shoes I want to wear with wedding-appropriate dresses. I'm not wearing punky ballet flats with a formal dress. I also wouldn't be shelling out money for appropriately dressy flats that I would never wear again.