Fiance & I were stunned at his female friend's replies

[snugglegirl05]

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=118518.0

The above link pertains to this post. The female friend mentioned in that post is the same one mentioned in this post. Considering her combined behavior in the above link, that is why both of us were stunned at her replies below.

My fiance & I went Christmas shopping last Saturday. He is on a tight budget due to our upcoming wedding. He bought a Christmas gift for me and a male friend of his as well as lunch for the 2 of us since he owed me lunch for my paying for his dinner one time.

He sent the female friend a text that day while we were shopping asking her if it would be OK with her if he and their mutual male friend, who is also mentioned in the above link, exchanged Christmas gifts with her in January.

Her first response was.... why?

So he responded.... to have more time to shop for your gift *she wants a gift card*

Her second response was... I will think about it

He did not respond back.

[Knitterly]

I am afraid I don't understand at all.

He sent his friend a text asking if he could wait and exchange gifts in January so he could have more time to shop for a gift card?

I don't understand "I will think about it" as a reply to that at all.  Is it possible she sent the message to the wrong person? 

I wouldn't be stunned, just really confused.  I don't see her response of "why" as being rude, either.  I read this as he is changing the time that they were going to exchange gifts.  I'd probably ask why, too.

[Shoo]

This friend is trying to have some control over your fiance.  Putting off a reply to his request is her way of telling herself SHE controls this relationship, not him, and certainly not you.

I honestly don't understand why this person is still a part of your lives.  She sounds like a heck of a lot of work, and kind of dreadful.

[katycoo]

I think you're reading into things.    I think 'why' is a perfectly normal question to ask.  And I think his response was vague - its not time consuming to buy a gift card.  More time implies needing to search.  I think he should have indicated financial difficulty.

I'm not sure why she replied she'd think about it though. I think that's strange.

[CakeEater]

I don't understand either. What was stunning about any of this conversation?

[Amava]

Your fiance needs to learn to say what he means.

He /asked/ "would it be okay with you if we exchanged gifts in January", which left the door open for her to reply "I will think about it". She took it as a literal question "would it be okay with you".

What he should have done, was tell, not ask. Tell "I will not be able to exchange christmas gifts before January".

Of course, it would have been more gracious and considerate of her to not ask "Why" and to just say "Of course that is okay, I understand."
But you know... some people aren't that good at mindreading and at grasping delicate financial circumstances - especially if they haven't been in narrow shoes financially themselves.

[JoieGirl7]

Maybe she doesn't want to exchange gifts at all?

[Deetee]

Add me to the confused list.

I reread a couple times trying to see what I missed, but the only real oddity that I saw was your fiance saying he needed more time to shop for her gift when it that is untrue as he is getting her a gift card.

Why didn't he just answer her question?

[Surianne]

I agree with the others who aren't getting it.  Was she supposed to know his financial circumstances, or something? 

[Tilt Fairy]

Why did he tell her he needed more time to get her a gift card? Or is it that he wants to have time to look for a present that isn't a gift card instead? Couldn't he have bought her a gift card when he bought your gift card?

If it is indeed financial constraints, he should be honest with her and just tell her. Any reasonable friend wouldn't mind receiving a gift later in these circumstances. And an extra reasonable friend wouldn't even think about let alone expect or care about receiving a present if their friend was low on money. If there is a precedent between them that gifts will be received and expected on a certain day, all of the above dialogue is confusing and makes no sense. Is she aware of his/your financial situation?

[DottyG]

Consider me confused as well. There's something missing from the story. I'm not seeing anything stun-worthy here, either.

[camlan]

My interpretation of the OP was that her fiance texted that he wanted more time to shop for the friend's gift. Then the friend replied that she wanted a gift card.

Then the OP and her DF were surprised that a) friend was dictating the gift and b) not agreeing with meeting in January to exchange gifts.

It might be time to let this friendship lapse.

[Yvaine]

I've read your posts before and been concerned about a possibly excessive connection between your fiance and his friend. I can't help but read this post in that light.

My platonic friends and I will, many years, agree to exchange "post-Christmas" presents with each other, since we've exhausted our gift budgets on our partners and relatives, and might also be committed to spending the actual holiday with partners and relatives. To me, Friend's consternation reads as "Why won't you exchange presents with me on or before Christmas" or even "Why won't you see me on Christmas?" Again, I keep seeing this friendship through the lens of thinking that she is attached to him beyond what is really appropriate if you and he are engaged.

Some years ago, I dated a guy who claimed to be available, and one of the biggest clues that he was not, eventually, was that he was always busy on every holiday. And somehow spent all of these holidays with his "ex" (and no, there were no children). He turned out to still be with his ex. If Friend is pining for Fiance, or if (god forbid) there is something untoward between them, his being busy on Christmas is a sign to her that he is not hers, and thus it nettles her.

[Giggity]

On the face of it, there's nothing particularly stunning here. What about it stunned you?

[nuit93]

My first thought was they wanted to delay gift exchanging for financial reasons but didn't want to directly say so.  I'm not really finding that shocking.