Fiance & I were stunned at his female friend's replies

[Mental Magpie]

It was the reply, "I'll think about it" that was so obnoxious.

Knowing the backstory, to me this was just another example of this person acting like she's got a vote in what goes on in the OP's fiance's life. 

A normal person would ask why, sure.  But a normal person would NOT say, "I'll think about it."  She'll think about WHAT?  Whether or not she'll agree to his request?  And if she disagrees?  What then?

No, this woman is just too obnoxious for words.

She could very well mean that she needs to think about how much she cares if that inconveniences her.  If she doesn't care too much, she may agree.  If it really inconveniences her but she still doesn't care, she may agree.  It could be too much and she could not agree.  That's what I take from, "I'll think about it."

[DottyG]

What could be too much? Waiting for her gift? She doesn't have anything to agree or disagree with (legitimately). He doesn't have to give her anything now or later.

[mrkitty]

What could be too much? Waiting for her gift? She doesn't have anything to agree or disagree with (legitimately). He doesn't have to give her anything now or later.

I totally agree with DottyG. The "friend" of the fiance seems (to me) like she's acting like she's his girlfriend, or at the very least, inserting herself into the relationship (in consideration with the totality of the OP's previous posts).

I also think the fiance needs to develop a backbone and the ability to say "no" and be more assertive. He sounds to me like he can't say no (at least to people other than his fiance). IMO, he should have just told the girl he won't be able to exchange gifts with her until January. It's really not her business why. All he needed to know in return is what is what date/time would work for her to re-schedule. Instead, I think he was being rather passive about it, or playing games, just like in other events as related by the OP.

When invited to spend the night at the friend's apartment, if he felt like he didn't want to or was uncomfortable about it, he should have just said an unqualified "no". Instead, he said he needed to basically ask for permission (although this is not a direct quote), in essence making his fiance the heavy. That's how I interpret it, anyway.

I'm wondering, OP, how did he cancel the overnight visit? Did he give a reason to his friend? Did he explain why to her? I'm kind of curious now.

[Mental Magpie]

What could be too much? Waiting for her gift? She doesn't have anything to agree or disagree with (legitimately). He doesn't have to give her anything now or later.

Maybe she is busy for three weeks an the original date was the only day she could do it. It could depend on willing she is to be inconvenienced by the change in plans/the schedule. I don't understand why this situation is suddenly different than someone else canceling plans just because no one likes the other girl. She doesn't have to agree to reschedule, either; maybe she needs time to think about if waiting and the gift are important enough. I think many people here are assigning a lot to this girl without having anything to back up it.

[Shoo]

It was the reply, "I'll think about it" that was so obnoxious.

Knowing the backstory, to me this was just another example of this person acting like she's got a vote in what goes on in the OP's fiance's life. 

A normal person would ask why, sure.  But a normal person would NOT say, "I'll think about it."  She'll think about WHAT?  Whether or not she'll agree to his request?  And if she disagrees?  What then?

No, this woman is just too obnoxious for words.

She could very well mean that she needs to think about how much she cares if that inconveniences her.  If she doesn't care too much, she may agree.  If it really inconveniences her but she still doesn't care, she may agree.  It could be too much and she could not agree.  That's what I take from, "I'll think about it."

If it inconveniences her?  How on earth could it possibly inconvenience her?  We have not been told a definite date had been set.  Even if it has been, canceling it and shooting for something sometime after the new year is quite open.  It leaves a lot of wiggle room.  Not much inconvenience there.  She's his friend, right?  Or is she?

There is only one reason she wants to "think about it."  And that's so she can exercise control over the OP's fiance.  This woman is trouble. 

OP, please tell us why you put up with this?  Why does your fiance put up with this?  This woman is horrible.

[mrkitty]

If it inconveniences her?  How on earth could it possibly inconvenience her?  We have not been told a definite date had been set.  Even if it has been, canceling it and shooting for something sometime after the new year is quite open.  It leaves a lot of wiggle room.  Not much inconvenience there.  She's his friend, right?  Or is she?

There is only one reason she wants to "think about it."  And that's so she can exercise control over the OP's fiance.  This woman is trouble. 

OP, please tell us why you put up with this?  Why does your fiance put up with this?  This woman is horrible.
[/quote]


This. Oh, so much, this. Shoo is completely right...and has said what I didn't have the courage to come out and say. But yes, Shoo is really onto something. OP, I strenuously urge you to think about this before you go forward. There are a lot of red flags....and a lot of ex-girlfriends and current "platonic" friends who don't seem to realize it's over...or isn't happening...unless they've been told one thing but lead on another way. I see the whole "gift exchange re-schedule" issue in a new light....

[DottyG]

There's a possibility that I'm misunderstanding what we're discussing. Just to make sure, can I outline what I think we're talking aboutt? Mental Magpie, tell me if this is what you're referring to!

1) OP's fiancé has a platonic friend who's a girl.
2) Fiancé wants to give girl present.
3) Fiancé, for some reason (financial, but it could be anything) wants to wait until a few weeks after Christmas to exchange gifts.
4) He told friend this.
5) She said she'd "think about it."

I'm asking all this seriously, because I wanted to make sure I'm not going in a different direction than everyone else.

If the above is the topic, I'm confused. She doesn't need to "think about it." Think about what?   Whether she'll allow him to give her a gift in a couple of weeks rather than today?  Why would she care? She's not entitled to a gift at all. (And I'm saying that about anyone. Even the OP herself wouldn't have a case if Fiancé said he'd like to wait to do Christmas gifts until later. No one is entitled to a gift - let alone to the decision as to when that gift will be given to them.)

Edited because some of the phrasing was duplicated and looked weird.
 
 

[YummyMummy66]

I jsut read the first post for the first time, so I know what I am about to say is moot, as this situation has passed.  But, when something like this might happen in my relationship, (I am married for 15 years), we ask each other, "How would we feel if the situation were reversed?"  Example, a male friend asks you to spend the night at his house, will make you dinner, offer you his bed, while he takes the couch and take you to breakfast in the am?  Would your soon to be husband be okay with this scenario?  If not, then there is no way he should spend the night at his "platonic" friend's house.   And I might have just gone along to help my boyrfriend help his "platonic" friend install whatever she needed help with.

As to this post, a few questions.  Boyfriend knows that him and friend always exchange gifts each other, so why didn't he set money aside earlier if he knew this was coming up?   Is it just him and her that get together to exchange gifts with other male friend?  You are not included?   I don't think you have to be included as far as exchanging gifts, but I cannot see why you would not be included in the festivities.  I or my husband would have no problem with either of us going along so that the other can exchange gifts with a lifelong friend.  And all involved should now realize that it is no longer just your fiancee, but you as well are now a part of his life. 

As far as asking, I would not have asked.  I would have said I cannot get together before the holidays.  What works best for you in January after such and such a date?   

Your fiancee needs to stop letting the friend dictate how their relationship works.   It does not mean that he does not compromise here and there, but things are changing for him. You are getting married. The relationship he has with this friend cannot be the same as it is without some changes, as it would be if the shoe was on the other foot. 

Is this girl in a relationship?  How old are the parties invovled?

[Redwing]

It was the reply, "I'll think about it" that was so obnoxious.

Knowing the backstory, to me this was just another example of this person acting like she's got a vote in what goes on in the OP's fiance's life. 

A normal person would ask why, sure.  But a normal person would NOT say, "I'll think about it."  She'll think about WHAT?  Whether or not she'll agree to his request?  And if she disagrees?  What then?

No, this woman is just too obnoxious for words.

She could very well mean that she needs to think about how much she cares if that inconveniences her.  If she doesn't care too much, she may agree.  If it really inconveniences her but she still doesn't care, she may agree.  It could be too much and she could not agree.  That's what I take from, "I'll think about it."

If it inconveniences her?  How on earth could it possibly inconvenience her?  We have not been told a definite date had been set.  Even if it has been, canceling it and shooting for something sometime after the new year is quite open.  It leaves a lot of wiggle room.  Not much inconvenience there.  She's his friend, right?  Or is she?

There is only one reason she wants to "think about it."  And that's so she can exercise control over the OP's fiance.  This woman is trouble. 

OP, please tell us why you put up with this?  Why does your fiance put up with this?  This woman is horrible.

This is what stuck out for me.  She'll think about it?  And if she decides no, she won't wait, what is the fiance supposed to do?  Acquiesce to her demands even though they're not good for him?  Shoo is right, the "friend" is trying to control the fiance and by extension, the OP.

[FlyingBaconMouse]

Assuming it was a prearranged thing with a store that's close, I'm not sure I blame the friend. If someone asked me for more time on a gift that would take 15 minutes to buy, and there were no obvious sick kid/broken ankle/end-of-year 12-hour workday-type situations I knew about, that would strike me as weird and I would hedge like crazy. I'd be rethinking the entire friendship, to be honest--not because I didn't get my gift, but because friends shouldn't keep friends out of what seems like a pretty basic info loop.

If you can't say "I'm a little strapped for cash right now" to someone--especially in this economy--you're not really friends on a gift-exchanging level as far as I'm concerned.

[DavidH]

I get that there is a history and that no one likes the ex, but the exchange here just isn't that odd and certainly not stunning.

Take it from here side for a minute.  She doesn't know anything about the lunch, shopping or him being strapped for cash.  She get a text saying can we postpone our gift exchange.  She thinks, it's a gift card, takes 5 minutes to buy, no thought required, and asks why.  Seems like a reasonable response.  He replies I need more time to shop.  It's pretty obvious that there is another reason, since it doesn't take weeks to buy a gift card.  She thinks, he's just blowing me off at the last minute, after I went out and bought him a gift for our upcoming gift exchange.  She replies I'll think about it.  It's kind of rude, but so is abruptly changing plans to exchange Christmas gifts until well after Christmas without giving a reason. 

If he wrote back, I'm going out of town, strapped for cash, busy at work, maybe it would have not gotten the response of I'll think about it, we just don't know. 

If an ex who I was friendly with suddenly started to blow me off for no reason, I'd rethink what was happening.  Since it's not just a meeting to get the gift, but a gift exchange, for all we know, the I'll think about it could mean I'm now debating whether we should exchange gifts at all and I'm going to return the one I bought for you and spend the money on myself.

[Twik]

I agree with most other posters. She shouldn't have to "think about it," as if it were up to her to give permission. But without the backstory, it doesn't sound like more than a minor ungracious moment.

[Mental Magpie]

DavidH and FlyingBaconMouse kind of get what I'm saying, but there is more to it.  For all we know, the gift exchange process was supposed to also be a get together for, let's say, an hour long.  Changing those hour long plans may very well inconvenience her because she doesn't have any other free time.

Let's forget the gift is even involved.  They make plans to meet up.  Preparation for this exchange includes getting home from work, changing clothes, travel to, and travel home.  Changing said plans could inconvenience her because that may be the only time she had free to do it.  Thinking about it may mean she needs to see if she can rearrange her calendar to compensate for the change or if she can't and would really rather do it as planned.

[SiotehCat]

It was the reply, "I'll think about it" that was so obnoxious.

Knowing the backstory, to me this was just another example of this person acting like she's got a vote in what goes on in the OP's fiance's life. 

A normal person would ask why, sure.  But a normal person would NOT say, "I'll think about it."  She'll think about WHAT?  Whether or not she'll agree to his request?  And if she disagrees?  What then?

No, this woman is just too obnoxious for words.

She could very well mean that she needs to think about how much she cares if that inconveniences her.  If she doesn't care too much, she may agree.  If it really inconveniences her but she still doesn't care, she may agree.  It could be too much and she could not agree.  That's what I take from, "I'll think about it."

If it inconveniences her?  How on earth could it possibly inconvenience her?  We have not been told a definite date had been set.  Even if it has been, canceling it and shooting for something sometime after the new year is quite open.  It leaves a lot of wiggle room.  Not much inconvenience there.  She's his friend, right?  Or is she?

There is only one reason she wants to "think about it."  And that's so she can exercise control over the OP's fiance.  This woman is trouble. 

OP, please tell us why you put up with this?  Why does your fiance put up with this?  This woman is horrible.

This is what stuck out for me.  She'll think about it?  And if she decides no, she won't wait, what is the fiance supposed to do?  Acquiesce to her demands even though they're not good for him?  Shoo is right, the "friend" is trying to control the fiance and by extension, the OP.

If she decides that January doesn't work for her, then they move on to February. Why is the friends schedule not important?

My in laws wanted us to exchange gifts before I left for vacation. I had absolutely no time in my schedule for that. I wasn't trying to control them, but the time just didn't work for me.

[WillyNilly]

I think that this was a text communication is important here.  The "why" and the "I'll think about it" are just short quick easy to type responses.  Sure if it was a verbal conversation they might seem abrupt, but texting is by its nature quick and short.

But that said in general, I went back and read all the OP's posts and honestly I don't think this DF is really operating in a mode that communicates "ready for marriage" and quite frankly neither does the OP.  Snuggle - you need to find your voice and straight up say what you feel and ask for (and expect) what you want - whether something is "normal" in other people's relationships or not, whether this is your first or your 50th relationship, you are allowed to have the relationship that works for you... and clearly your DF's collection of ex-girl friends and women who rely on him is not really working well for you.  Marriage isn't going to change him magically - he'll be the same guy with the same friends the day after you get married as he was the day before.