Author Topic: Giving someone the cut direct.  (Read 4997 times)

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SiotehCat

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Giving someone the cut direct.
« on: December 18, 2012, 01:40:42 PM »
BG: My mother has a lot of sisters. A couple of them don't seem to have much to do, so they enjoy drama, gossip and just starting all kinds of problems.

The way it works is that SisterA and SisterB will be the best of friends. Then SisterB will become best friends with SisterC and they will both turn on SisterA. And on and on it goes. Nasty things get said, secrets get spilled, etc...

My mother does a good job of staying out of these things because we have a large family that keep her busy.

At the beginning of this year, my Aunt Mary and my Mom were very close. My Aunt Mary became upset with my brother over something very stupid. She got other sisters involved and blew it up into something huge. My brother was very upset because he felt responsible for ruining the relationship between my Mom and Aunt Mary. We were also raised to respect our elders, so he cannot bring himself to do anything but apologize to Aunt Mary over and over again. Aunt Mary sent my stepmother an email where she continued to say very nasty things about my brother.

My mom and Aunt Mary are still not best friends, but they run into each other often and do talk.

This summer, I decided that I would not be speaking to my Aunt Mary anymore. I was getting to a restaurant with my parents and my mother pointed out Aunt Mary's car. I told my mother that I would not be speaking to Aunt Mary. She told me just to say Hi. I told her that I could not do that politely and please for her not to make me. 

When we entered, she went up to say hi to Aunt Mary and I continued to walk. My brother can forgive her all he wants. I am not my brother. That was the only time that I needed to avoid her this summer.

 Question1: I am going back home for Christmas. My family has a huge party and everyone is invited. Avoiding her this time will not be so easy. What do I do if she tries to speak to me? Am I rude for giving her the cut direct when the rest of my family hasn't done the same?

onyonryngs

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Re: Giving someone the cut direct.
« Reply #1 on: December 18, 2012, 01:44:47 PM »
I think that you either not go or you go and behave civilly to her.  You don't have to fill her in on everything that's happening with you, but you can be polite and not make those around you uncomfortable having you both there.  Ignoring her when you're at the same event will just make you look petty to everyone who doesn't know the whole story - don't give her any more drama to feed on.

Mental Magpie

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Re: Giving someone the cut direct.
« Reply #2 on: December 18, 2012, 01:46:57 PM »
I think that you either not go or you go and behave civilly to her.  You don't have to fill her in on everything that's happening with you, but you can be polite and not make those around you uncomfortable having you both there.  Ignoring her when you're at the same event will just make you look petty to everyone who doesn't know the whole story - don't give her any more drama to feed on.

Pod.  Be cooly polite, but don't fully ignore her as it will just give her more fodder for the gossip mill.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

TurtleDove

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Re: Giving someone the cut direct.
« Reply #3 on: December 18, 2012, 02:13:21 PM »
POD to the PPs.  You can give the cut direct, but from what you described you will be making the situation worse for yourself and your brother and mother.

JoyinVirginia

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Re: Giving someone the cut direct.
« Reply #4 on: December 18, 2012, 02:27:30 PM »
Your mom and her sisters and the constant dance they do reminds me of my mother and her sisters. Just be coldly polite. You don't have to chat with her. From your description, this is just the most recent episode in the ongoing saga of who-should-get-mad-with-who-next. Next month or next summer it will be another on with another episode. Go, have fun, talk to people you want to see and talk to!

SiotehCat

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Re: Giving someone the cut direct.
« Reply #5 on: December 18, 2012, 03:02:08 PM »
I cannot miss the party. Its at my mothers house and I will be staying with her. Also, there are no actual invitations or RSVP's. It lasts a couple of days and people just come and go.

I know that there will be more fights and different drama later on, but I cannot ignore the things she said about my brother. How can I have chit chat with her or greet her knowing what I know?

Hillia

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Re: Giving someone the cut direct.
« Reply #6 on: December 18, 2012, 03:04:42 PM »
I wouldn't say you need to chitchat, just say hello if she approaches you directly, then wander off to help your mom in the kitchen or refill the chips or...whatever.  If she tries to chat you up, go with 'Mm hmm' and wander off again.

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onyonryngs

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Re: Giving someone the cut direct.
« Reply #7 on: December 18, 2012, 03:04:45 PM »
Treat her like a work colleague/vendor/client that you know you have to interact with but don't enjoy.  You don't have to chat about important things and if you need to, just excuse yourself to use the restroom or something if she's cornered you. 

Mental Magpie

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Re: Giving someone the cut direct.
« Reply #8 on: December 18, 2012, 03:05:47 PM »
I cannot miss the party. Its at my mothers house and I will be staying with her. Also, there are no actual invitations or RSVP's. It lasts a couple of days and people just come and go.

I know that there will be more fights and different drama later on, but I cannot ignore the things she said about my brother. How can I have chit chat with her or greet her knowing what I know?

Cooly, and I certainly don't encourage you to "chit chat" with her, I don't think that will do any good and will probably just make things work.  Greet her like you would an acquaintance.  "Hi, Aunt, happy holidays," then just keep walking past her.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

*new*mommyagain36

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Re: Giving someone the cut direct.
« Reply #9 on: December 18, 2012, 03:24:18 PM »
Are you in my family?  Sounds a lot like Dad's side.

Seriously though, I think you've been given some good, sound advice here.
Attend the party and enjoy yourself.  Be civil.
I wouldn't speak to her unless she spoke to me first though, so no chit-chat and I wouldn't go out of my way to greet her or interact with her.
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weeblewobble

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Re: Giving someone the cut direct.
« Reply #10 on: December 18, 2012, 03:31:01 PM »
If you must attend the party, be coolly civil.  Answer direct questions with succinct answers that do not invite further conversation, then find a reason to be elsewhere.  Practice what I call the Crystal Gaze.  Basically, you're looking at someone, but you don't see them.  You are looking through them as if they are a pane of glass.  They're hardly even there.  And all the while keeping a completely serene expression on your face, a smile that shows absolutely no teeth, just an upward quirking of the lips.  It says, "I'm smiling at you, because in my head, blind mole rats are gnawing on your cankles."

Seriously, it's terrifying. 
« Last Edit: December 18, 2012, 03:33:47 PM by weeblewobble »

BeagleMommy

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Re: Giving someone the cut direct.
« Reply #11 on: December 18, 2012, 03:34:22 PM »
You don't have to chit chat.  If she asks how you are say "Fine".  One word answers are not impolite.  You can always bean dip "Oh look, cat's on fire.  Gotto go!".

GrammarNerd

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Re: Giving someone the cut direct.
« Reply #12 on: December 18, 2012, 04:08:46 PM »
You don't have to chit chat.  If she asks how you are say "Fine".  One word answers are not impolite.  You can always bean dip "Oh look, cat's on fire.  Gotto go!".

This is good, but beware that if Aunt IS indeed a drama llama, then even your one-word answers will still give her something to complain about. 

That happened once with my sister; I was polite to her at a family gathering (Christmas, I think), but after everything she had done, I just couldn't stand to have a long, drawn-out conversation with her or feed her fairytale that everything was hunky dory and all of the bad stuff hadn't happened. It was a strain just being in the same room with her and not confronting her.  I was not mean at all; I just wasn't very talkative with her.  It seemed fine at the time, but then later I got a call from Good Sister that Toxic Sister had called our mother, crying and ranting that I was SO mean and I wouldn't talk to her, yadda yadda yadda.  Of course she never said anything to me at the time; not even a hint, because that was her MO...tearfully complain afterwards to all and sundry how terrible you are, even though she'd never say it to your face, ever, and would deny it if you ever confronted her about what she'd said. 

So even if you're perfectly polite, know that it can still go badly for you if your Aunt wants to make drama.  Is there anyone in your family that you could trust to stay by you, so you'd have 1) a witness and 2) someone else to talk to in order to avoid talking to Aunt?

iridaceae

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Re: Giving someone the cut direct.
« Reply #13 on: December 19, 2012, 07:25:02 AM »
Bladder infection. Keep running off to the bathroom if you get near her and if anyone asks you have a bladder infection.

Nora

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Re: Giving someone the cut direct.
« Reply #14 on: December 19, 2012, 08:01:57 AM »
Bladder infection. Keep running off to the bathroom if you get near her and if anyone asks you have a bladder infection.

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