General Etiquette > Family and Children

No, don't come over

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T'Mar of Vulcan:
About an hour ago I answer the phone and it's my aunt. This is what she says: "Your uncle {her brother} and I will be over in ten minutes, so open the gate." (We have one of those roll-type palisade gates, and while it isn't necessary to drive in - there's plenty of space in the driveway at the front of the house - most relatives insist on parking in our back yard.) As soon as I said, "Hi, Aunty {Loud Sister}," my mother starts shaking her head and pointing to her stomach as she has a painful hernia that periodically hurts and makes her feel miserable (yes, she has seen the doctor and has medication, but the medication isn't instant).

So I said, "Actually, Mom has that hernia problem and doesn't feel well, so she can't see anyone." My aunt says, "But your uncle is here and wants to see her!" I said, "She's not in any condition for visitors, so unfortunately he won't be able to."

I still get the feeling that my mother and I will be thought of as rude for refusing to see them. But my mother is 78, has neck problems (her neck bones are not in a good condition, but the doctor assured her that her head won't fall off!) and sitting up is hard for her. But if she lies down, then her relatives accuse her of being anti-social and expect me to run after them getting them tea, and heaven help us if there's not cake - then we're terrible hostesses! Sure, I live here too, but they're not visiting me. Not that I mind doing that - I just get annoyed that they give these mixed signals, sort of, "We want to see you, but only if you sit up and treat us like royalty while laying on tea and cake!"

Am I right for feeling they're imposing (or trying to), or are we really rude?

kckgirl:
No, you're not rude. Aunty Loud Sister should have asked if she and Uncle could visit today. Since Mother isn't feeling well, then no, she isn't up to having visitors. Aunty LS should have then sent her best wishes that Mother would feel better later. End of story.

MsEva:
You are right. They are rude. There is no reason why someone can't give more than 10 minutes notice for a social visit. At the very least they should accept the big possibility of being turned down. Especially if they know that their potential host has heath problems.

You did right by your mother and that's all that matters!

FoxPaws:
The only excuse for calling on such short notice is if the host/patient's condition changes frequently (I'm thinking long-term or hospice situations, where the person is heavily medicated or in a lot of pain). And then the visitor should call and ask if it's convenient, and accept "no" graciously, if it is not.

Your Mom's problems sound like something the family is well aware of and there really isn't an excuse for them not to give her more advance notice. Had she known they were coming the next day, would she have been able to take pain medication, or rest more so she could visit with them in comfort?

MelJill:
You are right (both for thinking they were trying to impose and for holding the line to keep them out), and they were being horribly rude.

Strike one:  not making advance plans (where I live, 10 minutes warning is 'right away' for anyone who's not a next door neighbor)
Strike two:  telling, not asking, that intention to visit (and unless you left out a lot more words, phrased in an awfully rude manner)
Strike three:  not graciously taking 'not today' for an answer

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