No, don't come over

[Evil Duckie]

No you are not being rude. One under no obligation to invite people over when you don't want them to visit.

You are not being a bad hostess by not having everything they want. They are being rude by insisting on what they want not accepting or declining what you offer. They are being doubly rude by ordering you around.

It sounds to me like they want to guilt you and your mom into doing what they want regardless of their rudeness.

[VorFemme]

Sounds like what you need is a butler to stand at the door, looking imposingly down his nose at Aunt Noisy while saying "Madame is not "at home" right now."  When she insists that she can SEE that the coach (I mean car) is right there, he can restate it "Madame is not recieving at this time" while shutting the door quickly but firmly.

If Aunty's foot is between the door and frame, she will indeed be noisy...........

Too bad you don't have a six foot tall friend who could act as butler for a day.........

Or perhaps you could download an answering machine message with some actor PRETENDING to be a butler saying "Madame is not receiving calls at this time.  May I take a message?"

[MineralDiva]

This is another one of thise times, where "no" is a complete sentence.  Why waste your breath with explanations that won't be heard?

[Slartibartfast]

Think about it - YOU control their access to your mother.  This means they have to do what YOU want, not the other way around.  All it takes is one time where they call and say "we're on our way" and you tell them "Mom's not accepting visitors" and then turn the porch light off and leave the gate closed (and don't open the door!) and they'll learn you're serious.  (Not to mention they'll look darn foolish pounding on your door in the dark, which I'm guessing is what your Aunt would do.)

Just like you, I learned that being a "good hostess" involved serving guests some sort of beverage and food while they're over.  But these people aren't guests, they're pests.  So next time Auntie demands cake, say "Oh, we're saving that for sometime we have invited guests."  See how that goes over >:-)

[sammycat]

"But I'm only saying this because I CARE about you!"

Aaagghhh!!! I always hate this sentence!  In my experience it's the people who DON'T care about (general) you that say this.  They only care about themselves and being able to control (general) you.

[housewife2k]

I have relatives who stop by unexpectadly, generally when the house is a mess (I have three kids, it takes considerable effort to maintain livingroom cleanliness, as I let them have toys there). If they complained about the mess, or the lack of me offering any foood, I would reply "I was getting ready to clean tonight so I could host some invited guests over tomorrow, I was going to the store for refreshments then, too, but since you're here, you might as well help!"
This put an end to their just 'stopping in' right quick. Might not have been nice behaviour on my part, but very, very effective.

[sammycat]

housewife2k - I like that answer   On a similar note:  We live in a fairly new housing estate and about a year after we moved in, my neighbour and I decided to have a look through each others house.  My house had been virtually spotless for 6 days straight (a record in itself), but as for the 7th day....  It looked like the inside of the house had imploded on itself.  I was cringing the entire time she was here.  Whilst I do have 2 children, for once the mess wasn't just from all their stuff, it was household stuff in general as well, not to mention the mountains of unfolded laundry lying all over my bedroom floor.  When we went to her house, it was virtually spotless, but she doesn't have any children, so I guess that would eliminate that side of things.  (Being the nice person that she is she never commented on the mess  ).

[Venus193]

T'Mar, count me in with the hive:  Set the boundaries now and enforce them.  Your uncle and aunt are intruding and you cannot permit this any longer.

BTW, I differ with the post about telling them to make their own tea.  That breaks another boundary even if it forces them to serve themselves instead of imposing this on you.

[Lisbeth]

I think it's high time that you set some boundaries with your aunt and uncle:
1) They are not to invite themselves to your house without your and your mother's permission. If you and she say no, that's the end of it. 
2) Once they're there, don't let them turn flaky about refreshments-tell them, "This is what's available.  It isn't possible to provide such-and-such."
3) If they start making nasty comments or otherwise giving you a hard time, show them the door.  You are not required to put up with their jerking you around.
4) If you don't answer the telephone on command, it's none of their business why.  If they demand to know why, tell them, "It's a private matter that is not open to discussion."
5) If they are not willing to respect your boundaries, stop allowing them to come at all.  You do not have to let them into your house.
6) You do not owe anyone explanations for the boundaries you set.

That's excellent advice. Now to implement it - that will be the tough part!

My mother has told her sister numerous times that she is not to harrass her as to various things; my aunt becomes "hurt". "But I'm only saying this because I CARE about you!" In November she got it into her head that my mother doesn't bath enough (my mother hates bathing but likes to shower) and obviously she's not clean!!! She said this to my mother's face! To her own sister! (And it's NOT true!) Then she said, "Well, we'll have to put some handholds in the shower!" And bustled off to my mother's private bathroom to have a look at the shower. I said, "Aunty Loud Sister, it's not necessary to do that; we're not making alterations; the shower is fine." "But your mother needs to shower EVERY DAY you know!" (Gee, really?) "You must have this done!" I said, "Come out of the bathroom." My aunt came out, but continued with, "It will make things so CONVENIENT!" (For who?)

Previously she "decided" that her next-door neighbour should bring over some topsoil that he sold and spread it over our grass front and back, "to help him because he needs the money". Never mind that it wasn't proper topsoil but sand with STONES in it!! My father said no, but Aunt sent the guy over anyway, and he did it before my father could stop him!! So my father, without telling us, went out into the garden in the blazing heat (this was a 75 year-old man with high blood pressure) to pick up all the stones before someone saw what my aunt had done! He felt so sick later he said he thought he was going to die! Because my aunt couldn't keep her nose out of our business.

Wow, this is bringing up some serious issues. But I will print out your advice and show it to my mother. So she knows it's okay to tell people to leave her the heck alone when she's not feeling well!

Good luck with it and best wishes for improvement in your mother's health.

[T'Mar of Vulcan]

It sounds to me like they want to guilt you and your mom into doing what they want regardless of their rudeness.

This is it in a nutshell. But my mother's side of the family has *always* behaved like this; the lot of them are toxic! The only reason my mother isn't is because over the course of 56 years, my father trained it out of her by always respecting people but not putting up with their nonsense and encouraging my mother to be more assertive. Now that he's passed on, the family members are trying all their old tricks, but hullo! I'm his daughter, don't mess with me!

I'm usually quiet and introverted and I used to take all the family nonsense, but when I notice them trying their toxic stuff, I get quite angry and PO'd and then watch out!

[T'Mar of Vulcan]

T'Mar, count me in with the hive:  Set the boundaries now and enforce them.  Your uncle and aunt are intruding and you cannot permit this any longer.

You're totally right, and all the replies on this thread have helped me a lot! I printed the thread out and showed it to my mother, who completely agreed. Now if we can just get to the point of not feeling guilty about it.

BTW, I differ with the post about telling them to make their own tea.  That breaks another boundary even if it forces them to serve themselves instead of imposing this on you.

This reminds me of something that happened last term. I went with one of my friends (call her Liza) after school (I mean work - we're colleagues) and another colleague/friend (Sara) of mine from the same school wanted to borrow DVDs from me. So she came to my house, but I wasn't there. My mother told me after she had left that she came in and asked where I was, and when my mother said I wasn't there she said, "It's okay, I'll wait!" and flopped down on the chair. Then my mother said, "Um, well, do you want something to drink?" And Sara said, "Yes, but don't worry, I'll get it!" She proceeded to go into the dining room and kitchen and bustle around getting a cup, milk from the fridge, turning the kettle on, etc. My mother says she just sat there with her mouth open, unable to believe it!

Sara can be a bit clueless, and she has a good heart, so I think she was just trying to make it easier on my mother by getting it herself. And she stayed there for an hour until Liza dropped me off after shopping! My mother didn't mind talking to her, but she was astounded that someone would do that.

Sara is leaving the country soon to go work overseas. I'll miss her.

[Venus193]

You will feel so much better after you put these suggestions into effect.       

[jibby]

T'Mar, I'm exhausted from *reading* about their demands.  No, you are most certainly *not* rude, as others have stated. 

They were rude for:
1) demanding, rather than asking
2) refusing your "no"
3) issuing demands when they are guests.

Here: take two Guilt-Be-Gone pills and a cup of tea for yourself!

[weber06]

Gosh, I've been so rude in the past.  Whenever I go to visit a sick person I bring them food.  I didn't realize I was supposed to demand cake from them, and get it!  Your relatives are insane.  Who keeps cake on hand just in case someone stops by.  My MIL eventually had to bring tea bags over for my FIL for the few times he was here.  I don't drink tea and DH drink coffee and i wouldn't have even known where to start with shopping for tea.  So your relatives would really think I was rude.

[LadyDyani]

You did right.  If anyone makes a snarky comment the next time you see them, just say in a confused voice, "But mother wasn't feeling well.  Why would you want to visit someone who wasn't up to company?"