Author Topic: Re-gifting again...  (Read 5042 times)

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Annoyed in America

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Re-gifting again...
« on: December 20, 2012, 12:35:14 AM »
Every Christmas my sister re-gifts an unwanted gift to me and I feel like I have to put on a performance of appreciation for her.  I NEVER re-gift any unwanted presents to anyone.  If I don't like a gift I just discard it or donate it somewhere.  My sister doesn't seem to know that I KNOW she always re-gifts to me.  Do I have to keep up this litte annual performance?  I always give her something I would want myself like a nice bottle of wine with a gift certificate to the nicest restaurant in town.  She gives my children nice monetary gifts so I feel like I have to reciprocate in kind.  But the junk she gives me is somehow insulting.  It's not an issue with money for her.  She has a very good income.  How should I respond to these "gifts"?

katycoo

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Re: Re-gifting again...
« Reply #1 on: December 20, 2012, 12:44:19 AM »
Gift her the gift you got from her last year.  She'll take the hint.

Annoyed in America

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Re: Re-gifting again...
« Reply #2 on: December 20, 2012, 12:50:30 AM »
Love it!  I'll have to see if I still have it!

Shopaholic

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Re: Re-gifting again...
« Reply #3 on: December 20, 2012, 12:53:20 AM »
Gift her the gift you got from her last year.  She'll take the hint.

...and even if she doesn't it will be so fun to see her face!  >:D

(OK, Bad Shopaholic is now going back into her hideout).

I think the issue is less the regifting, more the fact that she is giving you things you don't like. Stop putting so much effort into getting her things you think she would like, and start getting her thigs that are on par with what she has given you.

bellbird

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Re: Re-gifting again...
« Reply #4 on: December 20, 2012, 05:21:20 AM »
Does she have kids that you buy for?

Dorrie78

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Re: Re-gifting again...
« Reply #5 on: December 20, 2012, 07:32:52 AM »
Maybe it would be worth it to suggest to her that the two of you no longer exchange gifts and that you both just give gifts to the kids? I think giving her one of her own gifts would be passive aggressive and not polite. I know it is tempting, but I don't think it would be appropriate per etiquette. Are the gifts that she gives you clearly regifts ( still in a gift box, a gift tag attached, you saw her open it last year, etc.) or just junky things you don't want that you assume are regifts? Her actions could be those of someone who doesn't want to exchange gifts anymore. It is not a polite or particularly mature way to express that view, if that is the view being expressed, but personally I would give her the "out" and suggest that the two of you stop exchanging gifts.

Eden

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Re: Re-gifting again...
« Reply #6 on: December 20, 2012, 10:14:04 AM »
Two questions OP:
1. How do you know they are regifts? Did you witness her receiving them?
2. Do you dislike the gifts?

WillyNilly

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Re: Re-gifting again...
« Reply #7 on: December 20, 2012, 10:48:22 AM »
You say she gives your kids generous gifts... does she have kids?  I straight up just stopped giving my brother and SIL gifts years ago - I was single and they have 3 kids.  Yeah I have a good job/income, but not so good that it was warming my heart to buy for 5 people and getting one gift in return.  So I just stopped giving them anything and only give their kids gifts.  If your sister doesn't have kids, she might be feeling burnt out by buying for your kids and you, and so she splurges on the kids and just gives you something to open, but not a real gift-gift.

Penguin_ar

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Re: Re-gifting again...
« Reply #8 on: December 20, 2012, 10:49:09 AM »
If she doesn't have kids, then it sounds to me like she is spending the majority of her "gift budget" on your kids and then is giving you a token gift .
If she does have kids, and your spending on her kids is similar to hers on your kids, then it does sound a little odd.  Though remember, just because it is re-gifting doesn't mean she didn't think about it- maybe she thinks the gift is something you'd genuinely like.

DottyG

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Re: Re-gifting again...
« Reply #9 on: December 20, 2012, 01:53:23 PM »
Quote
I think giving her one of her own gifts would be passive aggressive and not polite. I know it is tempting, but I don't think it would be appropriate per etiquette.

This.  Doing that would be rude.


siamesecat2965

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Re: Re-gifting again...
« Reply #10 on: December 20, 2012, 03:36:31 PM »
I'd either go with the stop gifting or stop putting so much effort into what you give her. i have a cousin like that; I love to give gifts, and will really think and take time to come up with ideas the giftee will like. she, on the other hand, has regifted me several times, including one item I already had since we bought them together, several years ago! she has also given me the same thing two years running.

so this year i decided while i wasn't going to get her carp, I would find something, and that was that. But surprisingly, for both my recent birthday and Christmas she went in the opposite direction. nice stuff, and more than she's ever given. but i'm still sticking to my guns and not making a huge effort, sicne who knows what will happen next year!

Annoyed in America

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Re: Re-gifting again...
« Reply #11 on: December 20, 2012, 04:13:56 PM »
Thanks all for the great input.  My sister does not have kids.  She has cats.  She is married.  She has taken an interest in my two kids since they were little and sees them a couple of times a year, so she is not very close to them.  She gives them a generous monetary gift at Christmas and Birthdays, so I am compelled to reciprocate.  I had told her a few years ago to not give me anything, but since I give her gift certificate I guess she feels compelled.  I only do this since she spends quite a bit on my kids and my kids can't reciprocate.  I guess I can speak to her again. 

TootsNYC

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Re: Re-gifting again...
« Reply #12 on: December 20, 2012, 05:04:03 PM »
Thanks all for the great input.  My sister does not have kids.  She has cats.  She is married.  She has taken an interest in my two kids since they were little and sees them a couple of times a year, so she is not very close to them.  She gives them a generous monetary gift at Christmas and Birthdays, so I am compelled to reciprocate.  I had told her a few years ago to not give me anything, but since I give her gift certificate I guess she feels compelled.  I only do this since she spends quite a bit on my kids and my kids can't reciprocate.  I guess I can speak to her again.

Yes, they can. Unless they're 18 months old, and even then they could, with the right coaching and support.

I suggest you stop giving her anything directly from you, and instead coach your kids to think of a present for her. Even if you fund it, they can choose it and wrap it, etc.


gellchom

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Re: Re-gifting again...
« Reply #13 on: December 20, 2012, 05:26:34 PM »
I agree that the issue isn't that they are regifted gifts (and I, too, wonder how you know), but that they aren't nice gifts and you don't like them.  If she received an emerald ring and gave it to you because she already has one and even though it cost a lot more than she would normally spend, would you mind that?

I don't get the whole horror over regifts.  It's one thing if someone is just passing on junk when they should be doing better.  But that would be just as true if it were something cheap and crummy that they bought.  [By "cheap," I don't mean "inexpensive" -- I mean stingy in context of your resources, the occasion, the relationship, etc.  Some inexpensive gifts -- like handmade ones, or just something the person will simply adore that happens not to cost much -- are wonderful and far from "cheap."]

I get it about used and discarded items, books with inscriptions in them, items that don't suit the recipient any more than they suited you, things that you think aren't good enough for you, and of course things that the recipient knows you got as gifts yourself -- especially from them! 

But a strict never never no re-gifting rule seems silly to me.  What about a book or DVD or CD that you already happen to own, that you know someone on your own list would just love?  Do you have to donate the one you got and go buy her a new one?  A jazz CD when you don't like jazz, but you know that the recipient adores it?  A game for a game system you don't own, but the recipient does?  A really nice pair of slippers that isn't your size and can't be exchanged?  A really nice box of some gourmet food item that you're allergic to or that isn't on your diet?  A perfectly nice bottle of perfume or wine that maybe you would even love to keep, but are -- reluctantly -- willing to part with because your gift budget ran out before your gift list?  I've regifted some stuff I really liked -- a lovely creamer and sugar bowl come to mind; I liked them a lot, but I had way more sets already than I'll ever need, so I gave them as a gift to a young couple I thought would like them as much as I did.  How on earth would they even know someone else picked them out, not me?  I think that my son and DIL might do that with some wedding gifts that they got so many duplicates of and that can't be exchanged.  I hope so; makes perfect sense to me. 

I think the point is just to give a gift with the spirit of generosity and thinking about what will truly please the recipient.  Whether you shopped for it or it found its way into your possession some other way doesn't matter, in my opinion, as long it's a good choice for the recipient.
« Last Edit: December 20, 2012, 05:31:08 PM by gellchom »

NestHolder

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Re: Re-gifting again...
« Reply #14 on: December 21, 2012, 02:06:50 PM »
I don't think re-gifting is a problem, either.  When we got married, DH and I received a bunch of very nice things that we just didn't want—a set of pretty sherry glasses that didn't fit with our other glasses, for instance.  We set up a box of 'mathoms' in the cupboard under the stairs.  The sherry glasses found a happy home a couple of years later.

Regifting manky stuff is another matter, of course, but then, giving gifts you know to be manky is a different deal anyway.