How to deal with overly helpful people

[TootsNYC]

I can almost guarantee you that the next time you refuse to pay him for "work" that he had ordered or done on your "behalf" without your knowledge or permission, it will stop. DON'T PAY HIM. He has no right to do anything to your property or to hire someone else to do it. 

I agree.

[bloo]

If he wants to pout or give you the silent treatment or do anything PA, let him. You need to train him not to do things on your property against your will. This must stop now. Eventually, he will stop doing this but you must be very consistent as in every.single.time. AND you must inform him that starting right now, if he does anything to your property without your express permission, not only will you NOT pay him, but you will charge HIM to undo or remove what he did. And follow through.
OH, this makes me so mad. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you can't go on like this. {HUGS}

Oh yeah, right here. Refuse to pay and backcharge him for correcting his work. The non-help should stop.

[Nuala]

I just don't get why people insist on involving themselves in other people's lives when the help isn't wanted or appreciated?

I can tell you why my MIL behaved that way.

First, she had no concept of boundaries. Her children, and later their spouses, were mere extensions of her. She felt she had every right to know their salaries, what they paid for their homes, and why they had doctor appointments (DH and I had to have a long discussion about privacy).

Following her logic, she believed she deserved input on how her children decorated their homes or businesses, and she took great umbrage when her input was rejected. When her daughter declined MIL's offer to build her shelves, MIL was shocked and dismayed. She called all the relatives, hoping they would convince daughter to give in. This instance is one of a slim few when she did not.

Second, MIL wanted to be viewed as a savior. She wanted all of us to say that we'd be lost without her, that we never could never have come up with such a clever solution to whatever she considered our problem.

Once when she was visiting us, she asked to go to the local hardware store. This was early in our relationship, and I assumed she wanted to see what was different in our store. When we arrived, I asked her what section of the store she wanted to see first. She said, "Oh, the lumber department! I've figured out how to fix your shower curtain!" (Or whatever it was.)

I was taken aback, as we hadn't discussed any problem. I took a beat and said, "No thank you!" as brightly as I could muster, then turned on my heel and went back to the car.

We never discussed it again and I was seen as the problem in-law, but I could live with that.

[tasryn]

Oh my God, Nuala, you have nailed it! I thought Mr. Kitty had provided the most relatable response but you definitely have my mother in law down to a tee. You are absolutely right. My MIL also needs to know everything happening in our lives right down to doctor's appointments and not only does she need to know salary, she communicates info about our salary and raises to other family members. She also needs to be the savior-all the time and even pushes you more and more to tell her what a wonderful person she is  for helping even after you already told her thank you-and this is for stuff she never was asked to do in the first place. It's good to know I'm not the only one with a MIL like this. The only way to handle them is to keep them at arm's length even if you look like a jerk for doing so because they are only trying to "help".