Keeping a gift from being "borrowed" by others

[wolfie]

Sharpie might work, too.

These are not 10 year old children who need their moms to label their clothes before they go to camp so they come back with the right stuff. These are grown men. If they want to give the gifts to their mom then there is nothing the OP can do about it. I would be rather taken aback if I was given gifts labeled with my name and it would make me wonder what else they think I can't handle in my own life.

[PastryGoddess]

I'm not going to label their items with their names  

The boys have no problem with telling their mother to Sit Down and Shut Up, but we are close, so I would have to hear them venting at how annoying she is and looking at the text messages and so forth.

I am not buying her a griddle, that's rewarding bad behavior.  If she wants a griddle that badly, she can go and get one herself

I do have silicone handles that go on pots and pans, so I think I'm going to unpack everything.  Slip on the very obvious brightly colored handles and package everything up in a lovely basket.

[Audrey Quest]

Hold on a sec!
 
This is a bachelor household that has hosted 30 people that they were so unprepared to host that guests had to do some of the cooking AND after meals they have the tendency to disappear and let their girlfriends and mom clean up?

And now, you want a strategy to help them keep the gifts you are giving them?
 
How much do these young men need to be saved from themselves?
 
First of all, while it may be nice for them to "host" the breakfast, they apparently didn't know enough or didn't care enough to be prepared to host it properly.

Secondly, if you are hosting, you don't disappear after the meal and let everyone else clean up.  And thirdly, you take care of your possessions so that they are not appropriated by others, including and perhaps, especially by your own mom when her doing so is a poke in the eye to your cousin who cared enough to give such a thoughtful gift.

I don't think you can trust them to value these gifts enough to protect them from being taken.  It's not just mom wanting it, its them not having a realization of what hosting should entail enough to know they should value it.

[PastryGoddess]

Hold on a sec!
 
This is a bachelor household that has hosted 30 people that they were so unprepared to host that guests had to do some of the cooking AND after meals they have the tendency to disappear and let their girlfriends and mom clean up?

And now, you want a strategy to help them keep the gifts you are giving them?
 
How much do these young men need to be saved from themselves?
 
First of all, while it may be nice for them to "host" the breakfast, they apparently didn't know enough or didn't care enough to be prepared to host it properly.

Secondly, if you are hosting, you don't disappear after the meal and let everyone else clean up.  And thirdly, you take care of your possessions so that they are not appropriated by others, including and perhaps, especially by your own mom when her doing so is a poke in the eye to your cousin who cared enough to give such a thoughtful gift.

I don't think you can trust them to value these gifts enough to protect them from being taken.  It's not just mom wanting it, its them not having a realization of what hosting should entail enough to know they should value it.

Woah calm down there This is my family you're talking about here.

For a very long time only one household has hosted the major events and holidays in the family.  Last year, the guys bought their first home together and offered to take on the Xmas breakfast instead of holding it at my Aunt C's home.  The way our family works is that Aunt C offers the use of her home and each family brings a dish to share. It's worked very well for the last 15 years or so.  Last year, the guys offered to do everything.  We offered to bring dishes as usual and they said no, they could handle it.  It didn't occur to us to ask if they had the proper utensils and cookware until after the fact.  Just because our families version of hosting doesn't match what others think it should be, doesn't mean it's wrong.


This year they have asked for help and I am going over on Monday to help prepare.  I was going to take everything over on Saturday, but it can wait until Monday

Their mother does not help to prepare food or clean up.  The random girlfriends and leaving them to clean up is annoying, but they are grown men and I'm not going to dictate to them what to do in their own house. 

They most certainly do value gifts that they receive, both tangible and intangible.  However, in this case, I caught their mother going through their gifts red handed.  If she hadn't been to our house and gone through things, I would have given them their gifts and not thought about it.  However, I know she wants the griddle for sure and there were a couple of other things that had been moved to the top of the pile from the bottom.

[Audrey Quest]

but they are grown men and I'm not going to dictate to them what to do in their own house. 

Exactly.
 
Two things led to my response.

1.  they took on a responsibility that they were not prepared for
2.  you don't trust that they can safeguard their belongings from their own mother

Those are both things that are a bit at odds with them acting like grown men that they are.

I don't see the aunt as being the only bad actor here.  The cousins bear responsibility for taking care of the gifts they are given.

That they didn't see the need for these things in the first place in deciding to take on such a big job makes me think that they won't really see the value in having and keeping these things and won't think its any big deal for their mom to either take them outright or borrow them or keep them for them.
 
You can't save them from themselves in terms of having what they need or in keeping it.

I don't see anything wrong with expressing to them that their mom is coveting the gift, but I also wouldn't be surprised if she manages to get her hands on it.

[PastryGoddess]

So I just got back home.  Me and two of my aunts went over and we had a pretty good time preparing everything for tomorrow morning.

I came in with the basket full of kitchen stuff wrapped in cellophane and the guys just started laughing once they saw what I was carrying.  The griddle and cast iron skillet got the most admiration.  So I started to tell them that their mother had seen their gifts at my place and they jumped in and told me that they had spoken to her the next day and she was complaining about how selfish and meeeeeean I was for not giving her what she wanted.  So they know that mom has designs on their stuff and they have no intention of letting it out of their house.

I'm looking forward to seeing everyone tomorrow. This should be a fun Christmas

[LadyClaire]

Hopefully their mom doesn't manage to abscond with their cookware. I hate the whole "I like it, so I should get to take it" attitude.

I am still a little bitter about my really nice, expensive pair of kitchen scissors that went missing after the in-laws came over for Christmas eve last year.

[PastryGoddess]

I don't think she will, at least one of her sons is not adverse to saying in his best outside voice to her "I know you want this [item], so don't let me find it missing when you leave"

[MommyPenguin]

Hopefully their mom doesn't manage to abscond with their cookware. I hate the whole "I like it, so I should get to take it" attitude.

I am still a little bitter about my really nice, expensive pair of kitchen scissors that went missing after the in-laws came over for Christmas eve last year.

Do you ever visit your in-laws?  If so, would it be out of line to find them in their kitchen, abscond with them yourself, and if anybody is around or sees you do it, exclaim, "Oh, my goodness, HERE are my scissors!  I cannot believe it!  I have been looking for these *everywhere*, I can't imagine how they got here!"  And if the in-laws try to protest, talk right over them, continuing to exclaim how surprised you are, how much you love the scissors, how much you missed them, how crazy it is that they ended up at their house, how glad you are to have found them, etc.

[Sterling]

You know a common issue I see here is that people on this board seem to think only the most formal of etiquette is to be used with family.  Family operates by different rules, such as helping to clean or bringing a dish.  The idea that I am a formal "guest" in my family's home is sort of odd.

[LadyClaire]

Hopefully their mom doesn't manage to abscond with their cookware. I hate the whole "I like it, so I should get to take it" attitude.

I am still a little bitter about my really nice, expensive pair of kitchen scissors that went missing after the in-laws came over for Christmas eve last year.

Do you ever visit your in-laws?  If so, would it be out of line to find them in their kitchen, abscond with them yourself, and if anybody is around or sees you do it, exclaim, "Oh, my goodness, HERE are my scissors!  I cannot believe it!  I have been looking for these *everywhere*, I can't imagine how they got here!"  And if the in-laws try to protest, talk right over them, continuing to exclaim how surprised you are, how much you love the scissors, how much you missed them, how crazy it is that they ended up at their house, how glad you are to have found them, etc.

My husband already searched his mom's kitchen. No scissors, so that leaves his sister, whom we very rarely visit. I have given up on ever seeing them again.

[VorFemme]

I had a SIL who "helped" clean up after Thanksgiving dinner - my Oneida heirloom stainless set had two spoons missing. The cost of her discount tableware for eight place settings was about the same cost as the two spoons that were missing....she didn't take them - they apparently got scraped into the trash.....and it wasn't cheap to replace.

I never had another family dinner - in part because we moved a bit later - but also in part because of her habitual carelessness with other poeple's stuff.