Housewarming Invite that Makes Me Feel Less than Warm

[Luci45]

As an aside, I frequently have to reset my perceptions when I read posts where a 30 minute drive is considered to be a great deal. I live in a place where it takes at least 30 minutes to get anywhere. Things only get inconvenient for me if the go over an hour or so.

You and me both! Thirty minutes is nothing to me. Heck, that's going just about anywhere here!

It depends. I routinely drive 30 minutes to my doctor or shopping, but it is mostly country driving. We drove daily for a week to and from a jobsite on Staten Island 20 minutes. Those 20 minutes were far, far longer than my easy 30 minutes.

I was wondering about what kind of driving the OP must do.

Since the terms of the party have changed, I still think she can just reverse her respnse with only the "something just came up" excuse.

Please... not shoes in the house...  again...  It's the very first issue mentioned here.

Aw, come on, artk! We just want to have fun!

[Audrey Quest]

Even if I had 'formally' accepted, I would change my response at this point.

Are you sure she gets bent out of shape about any perceived disorder? Her thinking is in disorder!

HA!  Maybe the disordered thinking is why she's so uptight about messiness around her, I guess she needs to be in control of something.

.

I think she is rude to throw a party and expect guests to bring food and drink, but it doesnt matter why she doesnt want people to wear shoes in her house.  Snarking about her OCD isn't nice.

At least on that count, she didnt soring it on anyone at the last minute.

[Margo]

I can't stand wearing shoes in my place.  So what I do is leave a nice place by the door for folks to put their shoes by the door.  I find that most people take them off, a few ask me if I'd like them to, and a few don't.  I figure it's the best of both worlds.  My home stays relatively clean, and those who have an aversion to taking off their shoes for whatever reason can leave theirs on without a big production out of it.

This. I don't normally wear shoes in my own house. I have no problem with others wearing shoes, I just prefer not to. usually go barefoot in summer and wear slippers in winter.
I find a lot of people automatically take of their shoes on coming in (even people who I know don't take them off at home)
I try to be quick enough to tell people it's fine for them to keep their shoes on and I would only ever ask anyone to take their shoes off if they were exceptionally wet/dirty.

[Pigeon]

While I don't feel any of the host's requests are out of line, per se, I think it's the addendum style in which they were communicated that's bothersome.  Day 1: Come to a party!    Day 2: By the way, it's a potluck - bring food!   Day 3:...and don't wear shoes!    Day 4:...and BYOB! 

Again, there's nothing wrong with a BYOB shoeless potluck, but it should be clear from the start so those RSVPing know the scope of the event. 

[Thipu1]

I would have no problem with the 'no shoes' request.  If she has wood floors, heels can cause real damage.

It's the piecemeal way in which the other requests were made that I find troubling.  Anyone invited has to ask 'what next?'

Since the invitation has substantially changed, I think you'd be fine declining. 

[EmmaJ.]

<snip>
As an aside, I frequently have to reset my perceptions when I read posts where a 30 minute drive is considered to be a great deal. I live in a place where it takes at least 30 minutes to get anywhere. Things only get inconvenient for me if the go over an hour or so.

I know!  A friend of mine almost broke my brain when I was chatting with her.  She said something about packing an overnight bag every time she visits her sister.  I said "Oh?  Why is that?" and she answered (in a horrifed tone) "Well, she lives 20 miles away!".

[squashedfrog]

shoes/no shoes aside, she has changed the perimeters of the party a lot since you originally RSVP'd therefore in my opinion and you should be quite forgiven for having something come up and not be able to make it anymore.

[Surianne]

I don't think any of the issues (no shoes, potluck, not providing alcohol) are rude at all, but I agree that since you were informed of them after RSVPing, if you won't enjoy the party because of this, it's perfectly fine to change your RSVP.

[JenJay]

While I don't feel any of the host's requests are out of line, per se, I think it's the addendum style in which they were communicated that's bothersome.  Day 1: Come to a party!    Day 2: By the way, it's a potluck - bring food!   Day 3:...and don't wear shoes!    Day 4:...and BYOB! 

Again, there's nothing wrong with a BYOB shoeless potluck, but it should be clear from the start so those RSVPing know the scope of the event.

I agree completely.

I wonder if the new homeowner initially planned to host her party and then was surprised by the number of people who RSVP'd yes and realized "Uh oh. I can't feed all these folks, but I don't want to cancel, hey I know - potluck!"   

[Queen of Clubs]

While I don't feel any of the host's requests are out of line, per se, I think it's the addendum style in which they were communicated that's bothersome.  Day 1: Come to a party!    Day 2: By the way, it's a potluck - bring food!   Day 3:...and don't wear shoes!    Day 4:...and BYOB! 

It's like e-Hell's own 12 Days of Christmas.

Day 5: Bring your own chair.
Day 6: Pick up my cousin's neighbour's daughter's hairdresser and drive her home afterwards.
Day 7: Do a detour to pick up some groceries for me...

OP, I think you're fine to change your RSVP.  As others have said, the invite has changed - you accepted an invite to a hosted party, now it's a potluck and BYOB too.

[Snooks]

While I don't feel any of the host's requests are out of line, per se, I think it's the addendum style in which they were communicated that's bothersome.  Day 1: Come to a party!    Day 2: By the way, it's a potluck - bring food!   Day 3:...and don't wear shoes!    Day 4:...and BYOB! 

It's like e-Hell's own 12 Days of Christmas.

Day 5: Bring your own chair.
Day 6: Pick up my cousin's neighbour's daughter's hairdresser and drive her home afterwards.
Day 7: Do a detour to pick up some groceries for me...

OP, I think you're fine to change your RSVP.  As others have said, the invite has changed - you accepted an invite to a hosted party, now it's a potluck and BYOB too.

I love this, I hope someone with more imagination than myself finishes the list, probably in a new thread so this one isn't derailed.

[chigrrl1]

<snip>
As an aside, I frequently have to reset my perceptions when I read posts where a 30 minute drive is considered to be a great deal. I live in a place where it takes at least 30 minutes to get anywhere. Things only get inconvenient for me if the go over an hour or so.

I know!  A friend of mine almost broke my brain when I was chatting with her.  She said something about packing an overnight bag every time she visits her sister.  I said "Oh?  Why is that?" and she answered (in a horrifed tone) "Well, she lives 20 miles away!".

  The length of the drive is a concern from the perspective that I live in an area that has snow and bad weather this time of year.  Couple that with driving at night and having to drive through some sketchy neighborhoods and it can turn into an ordeal.  Also, length of drive factors in when one is asked to bring food.

[VorFemme]

I'm in Texas - we've driven thirty minutes for a great steak dinner (in another town) before, back in college.  Now we live in Houston.  My sister also lives in Houston.  It takes just over an hour to drive from my house to her house.  I have been known to pack an overnight bag, but that's because after going to dinner and a movie - it will be after ten or so before we're done and midnight before I could get home.  So I went to bed at her house, got up when she did, we had a quick breakfast together, and I headed home while she headed to work (or if it was Saturday morning, we might keep visiting until after lunch).  Note to those mentioning snow - it very, very rarely snows in Houston - but when it does - it shuts everything down as there is no equipment to handle snow (something that happens less than once in ten years, on the average).

When DD was young, we drove four hours to get to Six Flags, then four hours home after spending the day at Six Flags.  It was over an twelve hour day (no place to take naps at Six Flags).  It was worth it then - but we were in our thirties - we're not going to try it again twenty-odd years later.

Taking stuff over to a housewarming party so that the hostess only has to serve punch and nobody is to wear shoes in the house?  Um...not happening.  Not good planning, not good hosting, and not something that I'd be able to drag the introverted VorGuy to, anyway!

[chigrrl1]

Even if I had 'formally' accepted, I would change my response at this point.

Are you sure she gets bent out of shape about any perceived disorder? Her thinking is in disorder!

HA!  Maybe the disordered thinking is why she's so uptight about messiness around her, I guess she needs to be in control of something.

No snark intended.  I personally have OCD which happens to manifest itself differently than the hosts.  She just so happens to get very agitated by any sort of perceived dirt on her floors....or dirt ANYWHERE, which makes one question why she'd have a bunch of people over to begin with.  I would have no problem in a small casual setting with a couple people taking off my shoes, it's the big party of feet that I find off-putting and uncomfortable for a number of reasons.

.

I think she is rude to throw a party and expect guests to bring food and drink, but it doesnt matter why she doesnt want people to wear shoes in her house.  Snarking about her OCD isn't nice.

At least on that count, she didnt soring it on anyone at the last minute.

[Xandraea]

While I don't feel any of the host's requests are out of line, per se, I think it's the addendum style in which they were communicated that's bothersome.  Day 1: Come to a party!    Day 2: By the way, it's a potluck - bring food!   Day 3:...and don't wear shoes!    Day 4:...and BYOB! 

Again, there's nothing wrong with a BYOB shoeless potluck, but it should be clear from the start so those RSVPing know the scope of the event.

I totally agree.  The invitation was issued, RSVP'd to, then amended bit by bit multiple times, turning it into a different gathering entirely.  The event the OP accepted the invitation to is not what the event is now, and therefore, there is no commitment to attend. 

On the touchier subject:
In my own home or at the homes of family or friends in the winter, I bring my own slippers to replace my snowboots with when I go inside.  Keeps my feet toasty, covered, and comfortable, and the host's floors clean.  Boots off is pretty standard in the winter because of snow/slush/mess.  For dressier occasions, boots may be worn, then shoes put on once inside.  On the flip-side, I once had a friend whose house was rather hazardous, and I'd keep my shoes on in her place to avoid getting something wet/sticky/sharp on/in my foot. Ew.