Housewarming Invite that Makes Me Feel Less than Warm

[chigrrl1]

While I don't feel any of the host's requests are out of line, per se, I think it's the addendum style in which they were communicated that's bothersome.  Day 1: Come to a party!    Day 2: By the way, it's a potluck - bring food!   Day 3:...and don't wear shoes!    Day 4:...and BYOB! 

Again, there's nothing wrong with a BYOB shoeless potluck, but it should be clear from the start so those RSVPing know the scope of the event.

I totally agree.  The invitation was issued, RSVP'd to, then amended bit by bit multiple times, turning it into a different gathering entirely.  The event the OP accepted the invitation to is not what the event is now, and therefore, there is no commitment to attend. 

On the touchier subject:
In my own home or at the homes of family or friends in the winter, I bring my own slippers to replace my snowboots with when I go inside.  Keeps my feet toasty, covered, and comfortable, and the host's floors clean.  Boots off is pretty standard in the winter because of snow/slush/mess.  For dressier occasions, boots may be worn, then shoes put on once inside.  On the flip-side, I once had a friend whose house was rather hazardous, and I'd keep my shoes on in her place to avoid getting something wet/sticky/sharp on/in my foot. Ew.

  Thank you, I failed to mention that when there's weather, it would be the norm around here to wear one's snow boots, then change into their dress shoes for a dressier party.

[Venus193]

While I don't feel any of the host's requests are out of line, per se, I think it's the addendum style in which they were communicated that's bothersome.  Day 1: Come to a party!    Day 2: By the way, it's a potluck - bring food!   Day 3:...and don't wear shoes!    Day 4:...and BYOB! 

It's like e-Hell's own 12 Days of Christmas.

Day 5: Bring your own chair.
Day 6: Pick up my cousin's neighbour's daughter's hairdresser and drive her home afterwards.
Day 7: Do a detour to pick up some groceries for me...

OP, I think you're fine to change your RSVP.  As others have said, the invite has changed - you accepted an invite to a hosted party, now it's a potluck and BYOB too.

I love this, I hope someone with more imagination than myself finishes the list, probably in a new thread so this one isn't derailed.

Here's my attempt:

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=123782.0

[Mikayla]

I'll go all the way back to the OP, where chigirrl called it a bait and switch. 

And if someone decides to re-write the event, a guest can re-write the acceptance/regret.

[Winterlight]

While I don't feel any of the host's requests are out of line, per se, I think it's the addendum style in which they were communicated that's bothersome.  Day 1: Come to a party!    Day 2: By the way, it's a potluck - bring food!   Day 3:...and don't wear shoes!    Day 4:...and BYOB! 

Again, there's nothing wrong with a BYOB shoeless potluck, but it should be clear from the start so those RSVPing know the scope of the event.

Agreed. I'd start wondering what was next.

[TylerBelle]

Ah the fun of a haphazardly thrown potluck. Besides how it isn't nice to guests to have it told to them at last minute (or really at all if it wasn't discussed beforehand), also one could end up with like a bucket of fried chicken, a vegetable tray or two, and a whole bunch of green bean casseroles. Enjoy.

I don't see any problem with declining the invitation, even if you have already mentioned about being there. If you really wish not to go, then send regrets and don't.

[gramma dishes]

Please... not shoes in the house...  again...  It's the very first issue mentioned here.

That said, OP, you're in the clear to now decline. You RSVPd yes to an entirely different event. The one you were going to isn't happening now and something else has been put in place to replace it. Decline this new "opportunity."   ...

I totally agree with artk2002.  He's right.  You accepted an invitation to a housewarming party.  Now you're declining an invitation to a self hosted party held at someone else's house and you have to bring a gift in addition to your food and beverage!  Nope.  Different shindig altogether. 

No need to come up with any elaborate excuses.  "Sorry, something came up and I'm afraid I won't be able to attend after all" should suffice just fine.

[Sharnita]

I would avoid using the term "freak" because of the shoes - a lot of people have that policy, a lot don't.  I am actually OK either way but it strikes me as OTT to refer to somebody that way.

There are valid concerns regarding the implied need for a gift, the requirement to bring a drink, the need to bring food. 

[TootsNYC]

I do think it's rude to host a *housewarming* party and have it be potluck.

Potlucks, in my opinion, are for situations in which there is an outside framework or structure or organization that means the party is completely for the benefit of the "organization."
   Like, a club, or a church, or a family, or a big cohesive group of friends.

But a housewarming is for the benefit of the householder--it "warms" their home, breaks it in, so to speak, so it should be something that the householder hosts. Feel free to take people up on any offers of "can I bring something?" And feel free to call a few select close friends and say, "Could I ask for your help? Would you bring XYZ food?" (Add to it the costom of bringing a housewarming gift, and it's really bad form to announce it as a potluck.)

I don't care about the shoes.

[Sharnita]

Maybe part of it is that to me a housewarming does not seem like something you plan for yourself. If friends said "Can we plan a housewarming for you?" and the planners made it potluck that would make more sense. Of course, housewarmings are not a huge thing here.

[Rohanna]

Not a single thing about the actual party would be weird or out of line where I live. I especially take umbrage at being called a freak, because at Xmas there were 19 pairs of other people's shoes on my front (enclosed) porch. Heck, when the Fire Department came to check out my Co2 detector, they *apologized* that they couldn't take their boots off  to come in   Half an hour is peanuts for driving- the nearest next big city from where I live is 4 1/2 hours and an International border crossing away

What is rude is the invitation. It's not polite to invite you to a party and then tell you it's a potluck, BYOB after. That should be upfront as part of the invitation, as it changes the "nature" of the party.

[Phoebe]

The last housewarming I was invited to was that of a 27 year old coworker.  You'd think she'd know better, but the housewarming invitation included a gift registry, along with notice that not only was it potluck, but guests were expected to provide a bottle of the liquor of our choice (or a case of beer).      Nope, didn't go to that one.

[gramma dishes]

The last housewarming I was invited to was that of a 27 year old coworker.  You'd think she'd know better, but the housewarming invitation included a gift registry, along with notice that not only was it potluck, but guests were expected to provide a bottle of the liquor of our choice (or a case of beer).      Nope, didn't go to that one.

Well, at least she warned you up front right there in the invitation.  That's better than being invited first, accepting the invitation and then being told all the extra 'parts' you were supposed to contribute!

[LifeOnPluto]

I personally think you'd be ok in declining the invitation.

If you do decide to attend, I agree with what a PP said - you shouldn't feel obliged to give a present. You're already contributing the food.

[Emmy]

I can agree with some points the OP had.  An unorganized potluck is just that...unorganized.  I imagine the similar items will show up multiple times if everybody is just told to 'bring something' and doesn't know what others are bringing.  The host admitting that she is just bringing punch is pretty rude.  She is saying there will be no food or drink unless the guests bring it.  I feel she should have announced the party was potluck when she posted the invites and as the 'host', I feel it is proper for her to provide at least a few basic food items herself.  It sounds as if she was unorganized when she posted the invite and kept changing things.

The half hour drive isn't something that the host cannot control and to some people may not be a big deal.  I also do not feel issuing a request to take off shoes in her home is unreasonable, especially considering it is winter in a lot of places and snow, slush, and salt would be messy in the house.  Of course most people are considerate, but it is possible people can still track in dirt after wiping their feet and there may be a few people who don't even do that.  In my opinion, the remarks about OCD and stinky feet were snarky.  The OP said herself that people will probably come dressed nicely and I imagine their feet will be fairly clean.

I think the OP is OK to unRSVP to this party since the conditions have completely changed.

[Thipu1]

Maybe part of it is that to me a housewarming does not seem like something you plan for yourself. If friends said "Can we plan a housewarming for you?" and the planners made it potluck that would make more sense. Of course, housewarmings are not a huge thing here.

In our experience a Housewarming is something you do plan for yourself.  The idea is, 'Hey! Come and see our new place'. Some food and drink is provided by the host but it isn't a full meal.

  Housewarming gifts are usually small.  A house plant, nice tea towels or a bottle of 'cheer' are traditional gifts. 

The OP's post reminds me of an old New Yorker cartoon.  A couple dressed in party clothes are shown
 unrolling a bale of insulation in the attic.  He says to her, 'This wasn't what I expected when we were asked to a Housewarming party'.