Author Topic: angry at friends-what to say?  (Read 14314 times)

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Sharnita

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Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #15 on: December 21, 2012, 01:49:38 PM »
EMuir, I am confused by your logic.  They all agreed to meet at Point A. OP took the train to Point A.  She got a call from the group who were at Point B with the announcement that they had decided to go to Point ?.  OP was a little nervous about trying to get to Point ? and so she asked them to wait at Point B until she could get there and go with them. They would not wait for her.  She got crummy directions there and only eventually found it after asking for help in a local store.  Because she was in new territory and not even confident how she got there she wanted some help and company getting back to familiar territory. There is no way she could have planned for any of this because they surprised her with the changes.

WillyNilly

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Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #16 on: December 21, 2012, 01:49:47 PM »
I think you are justified of being annoyed, because they were disregarding you, but not quite as annoyed as you are, because some of it was simply your insecurities (you did manage after all, they were right it wasn't so hard).  I honestly expect adults to be able to navigate themselves (most cities have free map apps available for free, or small pocket maps available for cheap). I think too, that your parents live near the city and you had expressed confidence in getting there initially, people didn't realize you were actually not confident getting around. And I don't get why you assumed the sister's directions were "useless" without trying them or without you expanding on what crucial steps were missing from the first set (which apparently a cashier could figure out).

I live in NYC and honesty in a billion years it would never occur to me people would have total confidence in mid-town (numbered streets) and zero confidence in the Village (named streets) for example (ok maybe the west village is confusing... but one can still always find an avenue and get themselves out). I get it it happens, but it would need to be very strongly impressed upon me it was an issue.  And since it's so ridiculously safe here I wouldn't think much of a college student who was afraid simply because the sun was down but it wasn't late, I would think they were just being high maintenance.

SamiHami

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Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #17 on: December 21, 2012, 01:52:24 PM »
I think it would be a good idea to calmly explain to your friends that what they did was hurtful to you. I would forgive them, but I would also ask that in the future, if they make plans, that they either stick to them or give you reasonable notice of any changes, even if a more dominant person is demanding last minute changes (as appears to have happened in this case). They need to understand that what they did was not okay.



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camlan

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Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #18 on: December 21, 2012, 02:01:05 PM »
I think you are justifiably upset, but I also think I would let this slide.  I agree with the posters who said travel arrangements are up to you.  I think it would have been nice for your friends to show more concern for you, but I also know that not everyone "gets" that this is a big deal to you.  I know for me, I would probably have shown you more concern but frankly I would be inwardly thinking, "why can't she figure this out and do it on her own?" 

Sorry this happened for you.

The OP could figure out how to get to and from the original restaurant. However, she didn't know the location of the new restaurant, so how was she to get there, unless someone from the group could give her directions? Not everyone has a smartphone. Not everyone has instant access to street maps--if I knew how to get to and from my destination, I wouldn't bring a map along with me. Maybe her city does have maps for free or cheap, but was she near any place that had the maps?

Once the plans changed, the OP did not know how to get to the restaurant from where she was. Again, she might have been able to get to the new restaurant from her home, but still not known how to get there from elsewhere in the city. She's not a resident of the city; she just lives nearby. There are plenty of places I can tell you how to get to from my home, but I'd have to stop and think about how to get there from work, or my sister's house, or another city.

The sisters in charge of the group could have been a bit more helpful, seeing as they were the ones in charge of the plans. I could understand if the OP couldn't find the original restaurant, the rest of the group might be a little frustrated, but that wasn't the case. They changed the plans, after leaving the OP waiting at the restaurant, and then got upset because the OP didn't know where the new restaurant was, or how to get home from there.

As for leaving the OP alone in an area where she was uncertain as to how to get home--I went to college in Boston, a fairly large city, and lived there for several years after I graduated. Making sure everyone got home safely was never discussed; it was just something we did. We walked people to subway or bus stops, we called cabs, we walked people home if they lived near enough. But even in the safer areas of the city, if someone wanted an escort home, we made sure they had one, or called a cab or something. We did not leave someone stranded in a strange part of the city at night.
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AllTheThings

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Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #19 on: December 21, 2012, 02:09:30 PM »
I think you are justified of being annoyed, because they were disregarding you, but not quite as annoyed as you are, because some of it was simply your insecurities (you did manage after all, they were right it wasn't so hard).  I honestly expect adults to be able to navigate themselves (most cities have free map apps available for free, or small pocket maps available for cheap). I think too, that your parents live near the city and you had expressed confidence in getting there initially, people didn't realize you were actually not confident getting around. And I don't get why you assumed the sister's directions were "useless" without trying them or without you expanding on what crucial steps were missing from the first set (which apparently a cashier could figure out).

I live in NYC and honesty in a billion years it would never occur to me people would have total confidence in mid-town (numbered streets) and zero confidence in the Village (named streets) for example (ok maybe the west village is confusing... but one can still always find an avenue and get themselves out). I get it it happens, but it would need to be very strongly impressed upon me it was an issue.  And since it's so ridiculously safe here I wouldn't think much of a college student who was afraid simply because the sun was down but it wasn't late, I would think they were just being high maintenance.

I get what you are saying, but I really don't know how much clearly I could have made it that I was uncomfortable. I did tell them that I had no idea where anything was in that area, and that I really wanted their help. I called the sister's directions were useless because she rattled them off without giving me a chance to write them down or ask questions. That's why I had to stop and ask, I didn't understand what she had said. The cashier could figure out what was missing from the directions because presumably he spends enough time in the city to know where I was supposed to be going. I'm not a city person, and I think they could have been more sympathetic. I think numbered streets are easier than named streets because for numbered streets you don't actually have to know anything about the area, you just need to be able to count. I don't understand why someone would refuse to help a friend when helping them would cost so little in time and effort.

rose red

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Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #20 on: December 21, 2012, 02:12:11 PM »
I would be livid.  First they didn't tell you the change in plans, and then left you before you can get to B.  Then they ditched you in an unfamiliar place without good directions.  Sounds like the cashiers care more about you than these "friends." 

I would not say anything, because I would simply no longer be friends with them.

TootsNYC

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Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #21 on: December 21, 2012, 02:14:33 PM »
I hate to say this, but you can't expect others to take care of your travel arrangements.  If someone agrees to join me for supper at a restaurant, I assume they have taken care of plans to get home.  I would be surprised if they asked me to walk them anywhere afterward.  If that is a condition of your meeting them, you should tell them up front that you can meet them if they will walk you to the closest transit station afterward.   

I tend to assume that people are in control of their own transportation unless they tell me otherwise, and hopefully up front.

I do too--until I change the plans on them. And until they TELL me.

I think your friends were intimidated. If you were close to them, and you wanted to stay close, you might simply explain that you felt hurt and ask what was going through their head(s).

Try to keep the tone informational, and not complainy or grievance-filled. Sort of a "yeah, that didn't work so well for me, I felt really shunted aside, and I was kind of annoyed. There were parts that really sucked."

And perhaps ask them to help you think about what contributed to the fiasco (which is what it is on YOUR end), and whether you'll do anything different in the future.

I'm sure they felt beholden to the Sisters because they stayed at their place. So that's one thing. But they also could have stuck up for you. Maybe talking about it with you (but don't blame or pressure them, or you'll just shut the whole conversation down!) will help them figure out what to say.

And maybe YOU can figure out how to be more assertive, or what your cut-off point will be.

Quote
I live in NYC and honesty in a billion years it would never occur to me people would have total confidence in mid-town (numbered streets) and zero confidence in the Village (named streets) for example (ok maybe the west village is confusing... but one can still always find an avenue and get themselves out). I get it it happens, but it would need to be very strongly impressed upon me it was an issue.

Really? I sure wouldn't, and I've lived in NYC since 1982.

And I would be really livid at them not waiting for you, after they'd changed the plans on your.

WillyNilly

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Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #22 on: December 21, 2012, 02:16:06 PM »
Oh I understand why numbers are easier (unless they are alphabet streets) then named streets, but I would need to be reminded, it wouldn't just occur to me it was a harder area without thinking about it.  Humans have a tendency to assume others think like they do - so you think its obvious it was difficult for you to navigate the area, but to them who know it well, they think "its so easy!"

Can you clarify was this "at night" or simply after sundown?  If it was midnight, or 1am, that's a lot different IMO then 8 or 9 or even 10 pm - when most cities are still bustling with sober folks. Since you were meeting them for lunch, I was thinking you meant it was between 5 and 7 pm (dark but hardly "night") when you were trying to get home.

Eden

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Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #23 on: December 21, 2012, 02:16:18 PM »
I think it would have been best to address it when you saw them. "Guys, I don't mind the change in venue, but you should have waited for me to help me find it." And, "Because you changed the location I need help finding the train station." And insisted!

After the fact, I think it's difficult to address.

mrs_deb

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Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #24 on: December 21, 2012, 02:24:10 PM »
I think they showed a real lack of regard, what with changing the restaurant at the last minute, not waiting for you, not giving you directions, and then leaving you, at night, in an unfamiliar part of town.  I'm especially ticked about the last one.  I would NEVER leave a friend alone like that, whether I was in New York or Podunk.  I find all of those actions rude.

I don't know that there's much you CAN say, though.  If you have to point out that they were thoughtless and inconsiderate, without them KNOWING and APOLOGIZING for it on their own, they aren't much as friends.  I think I'd just let the friendship go.

AllTheThings

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Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #25 on: December 21, 2012, 02:24:38 PM »
Oh I understand why numbers are easier (unless they are alphabet streets) then named streets, but I would need to be reminded, it wouldn't just occur to me it was a harder area without thinking about it.  Humans have a tendency to assume others think like they do - so you think its obvious it was difficult for you to navigate the area, but to them who know it well, they think "its so easy!"

Can you clarify was this "at night" or simply after sundown?  If it was midnight, or 1am, that's a lot different IMO then 8 or 9 or even 10 pm - when most cities are still bustling with sober folks. Since you were meeting them for lunch, I was thinking you meant it was between 5 and 7 pm (dark but hardly "night") when you were trying to get home.

It was slightly after 10 when I left, we were out for awhile. I wasn't really that scared of being attacked, but not being familiar with the place I couldn't be sure of that, and  I would have strongly preferred the company. It would have been such a small favor, I didn't get what the big deal was.

TurtleDove

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Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #26 on: December 21, 2012, 02:29:10 PM »
I think they showed a real lack of regard, what with changing the restaurant at the last minute, not waiting for you, not giving you directions, and then leaving you, at night, in an unfamiliar part of town.  I'm especially ticked about the last one.  I would NEVER leave a friend alone like that, whether I was in New York or Podunk.  I find all of those actions rude.

I think personality comes into play.  I have had friends insist on waiting with me at subway stations, or walk me home, or whatever, and to me it was irritating. I agree that since the OP expressed her discomfort the friends should have responded differently, but not everyone is upset to be alone.  In a lot of circumstances, I prefer it. For background, I went abroad at age 19 knowing no one and navigated all of Europe on my own - I cannot fathom what that experience would have been like had I been afraid to figure things out on my own, and I grew immensely as a person for it.  Now, 20 years later, I still will ask for directions but I would never expect another adult (which I am assuming all the people in the OP are) to wait with me. 

WillyNilly

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Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #27 on: December 21, 2012, 02:30:21 PM »
Oh I understand why numbers are easier (unless they are alphabet streets) then named streets, but I would need to be reminded, it wouldn't just occur to me it was a harder area without thinking about it.  Humans have a tendency to assume others think like they do - so you think its obvious it was difficult for you to navigate the area, but to them who know it well, they think "its so easy!"

Can you clarify was this "at night" or simply after sundown?  If it was midnight, or 1am, that's a lot different IMO then 8 or 9 or even 10 pm - when most cities are still bustling with sober folks. Since you were meeting them for lunch, I was thinking you meant it was between 5 and 7 pm (dark but hardly "night") when you were trying to get home.

It was slightly after 10 when I left, we were out for awhile. I wasn't really that scared of being attacked, but not being familiar with the place I couldn't be sure of that, and  I would have strongly preferred the company. It would have been such a small favor, I didn't get what the big deal was.

Oh, no please don't get me wrong.  As the first thing I wrote was "I think you are justified of being annoyed, because they were disregarding you".  I just think you will have a stronger case to plead to them if you recognize you are dealing with two issues - the facts, and the emotions.  Right now the facts are they changed plans, they weren't forth coming with clear directions, they refused to wait for you, they refused to show compassion.  Then there's the emotions of it all - you were over whelmed, you felt ditched and disregarded, you were apprehensive.

Both issues are legitimate complaints, but they are two things.  The facts are what they did, the emotions are what happened as a result. The facts are things they can change in their behavior going forward, the emotions are what they should apologize for now.  Etc.

Girlie

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Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #28 on: December 21, 2012, 02:32:02 PM »
I think they showed a real lack of regard, what with changing the restaurant at the last minute, not waiting for you, not giving you directions, and then leaving you, at night, in an unfamiliar part of town.  I'm especially ticked about the last one.  I would NEVER leave a friend alone like that, whether I was in New York or Podunk.  I find all of those actions rude.

I think personality comes into play.  I have had friends insist on waiting with me at subway stations, or walk me home, or whatever, and to me it was irritating. I agree that since the OP expressed her discomfort the friends should have responded differently, but not everyone is upset to be alone.  In a lot of circumstances, I prefer it. For background, I went abroad at age 19 knowing no one and navigated all of Europe on my own - I cannot fathom what that experience would have been like had I been afraid to figure things out on my own, and I grew immensely as a person for it.  Now, 20 years later, I still will ask for directions but I would never expect another adult (which I am assuming all the people in the OP are) to wait with me.

Except that OP made it clear to her friends that she definitely did not want to be left alone. If these are her friends, there is no way they should have abandoned her the way they did.

TurtleDove

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Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #29 on: December 21, 2012, 02:36:18 PM »
I think they showed a real lack of regard, what with changing the restaurant at the last minute, not waiting for you, not giving you directions, and then leaving you, at night, in an unfamiliar part of town.  I'm especially ticked about the last one.  I would NEVER leave a friend alone like that, whether I was in New York or Podunk.  I find all of those actions rude.

I think personality comes into play.  I have had friends insist on waiting with me at subway stations, or walk me home, or whatever, and to me it was irritating. I agree that since the OP expressed her discomfort the friends should have responded differently, but not everyone is upset to be alone.  In a lot of circumstances, I prefer it. For background, I went abroad at age 19 knowing no one and navigated all of Europe on my own - I cannot fathom what that experience would have been like had I been afraid to figure things out on my own, and I grew immensely as a person for it.  Now, 20 years later, I still will ask for directions but I would never expect another adult (which I am assuming all the people in the OP are) to wait with me.

Except that OP made it clear to her friends that she definitely did not want to be left alone. If these are her friends, there is no way they should have abandoned her the way they did.
I was responding to the absolutes in the post I quoted, and I agreed with you about the OP (see bolded).