Author Topic: angry at friends-what to say?  (Read 15809 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

AllTheThings

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 242
Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #45 on: December 22, 2012, 01:20:48 PM »
I live in NYC and honesty in a billion years it would never occur to me people would have total confidence in mid-town (numbered streets) and zero confidence in the Village (named streets) for example (ok maybe the west village is confusing... but one can still always find an avenue and get themselves out). I get it it happens, but it would need to be very strongly impressed upon me it was an issue.  And since it's so ridiculously safe here I wouldn't think much of a college student who was afraid simply because the sun was down but it wasn't late, I would think they were just being high maintenance.

I've  lived my whole life in NJ, most of it (including now) within about 15 miles of NYC, but don't go into the city all that often, and I've never worked there.  When I'm in the Village I never feel like I have a great idea of what order the streets are in or where I'm going.  I always find my way eventually, but that's as much because I'm usually not in a hurry and if I make a wrong turn or two, who cares, as it is because of any navigational skill on my part.

As for the OP's issue, honestly, to me (and this doesn't make it any less hurtful, or the friends' actions any less unacceptable) this sounds like a natural part of the drifting apart process that happens with high school friends when they all go off to their different colleges.  You've gone from being friends who you see every day at school to people who you see a few times around holidays and vacations.  Unfortunately, with that, there's often a drastic weakening or even ending of friendships.  I suspect it's not quite as extreme now in the days of social media as it was in the paleolithic era when I started college, but it's still there.  Personally, I wouldn't say anything, but I'd invest less energy in these people.

You misunderstand, these are college friends. That's why we did not travel to the city together.

Winterlight

  • On the internet, no one can tell you're a dog- arf.
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 9891
Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #46 on: December 22, 2012, 09:35:57 PM »
I would not have been happy either. I've lived in my current city for 8 years. Tell me we're meeting at X and I can figure out how to get there. Change the plans on me once I'm at X and I'm going to need some help. Especially if it's a place I've never been. I don't own a smartphone, nor do I habitually carry a city map. The fact that they did this to you twice in one trip does not impress me in their favor at all.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

Hunter-Gatherer

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 918
Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #47 on: December 24, 2012, 10:44:26 AM »
I live in NYC and honesty in a billion years it would never occur to me people would have total confidence in mid-town (numbered streets) and zero confidence in the Village (named streets) for example (ok maybe the west village is confusing... but one can still always find an avenue and get themselves out). I get it it happens, but it would need to be very strongly impressed upon me it was an issue.  And since it's so ridiculously safe here I wouldn't think much of a college student who was afraid simply because the sun was down but it wasn't late, I would think they were just being high maintenance.

I've  lived my whole life in NJ, most of it (including now) within about 15 miles of NYC, but don't go into the city all that often, and I've never worked there.  When I'm in the Village I never feel like I have a great idea of what order the streets are in or where I'm going.  I always find my way eventually, but that's as much because I'm usually not in a hurry and if I make a wrong turn or two, who cares, as it is because of any navigational skill on my part.

As for the OP's issue, honestly, to me (and this doesn't make it any less hurtful, or the friends' actions any less unacceptable) this sounds like a natural part of the drifting apart process that happens with high school friends when they all go off to their different colleges.  You've gone from being friends who you see every day at school to people who you see a few times around holidays and vacations.  Unfortunately, with that, there's often a drastic weakening or even ending of friendships.  I suspect it's not quite as extreme now in the days of social media as it was in the paleolithic era when I started college, but it's still there.  Personally, I wouldn't say anything, but I'd invest less energy in these people.

You misunderstand, these are college friends. That's why we did not travel to the city together.

My bad. 

Glad you're happy (or at least content) with the way it worked out.

ettiquit

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1662
Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #48 on: December 25, 2012, 11:14:57 AM »
It's interesting how differently we interpret posts on here.  When I read the OP, I didn't assume that the OP was incapable of navigating the city (as apparently every adult should be able to do) and figuring out how to get around by herself.  Of course she can do that (because she did!).  This had to do with her level of comfort and the assumption that her good friends would be considerate and help her when she asked.

Some people can be very overwhelmed in a big unfamiliar city.  I think that if this happened to me, I would be pretty panicked knowing that I had to figure out how to get to the new restaurant by myself.  Could I do it?  Sure.  But it wouldn't be a pleasant experience, and I would definitely expect anyone who calls themselves my friend to be willing to wait for me and walk me to the right subway station.  What the OP asked her friends to do wasn't above and beyond - it was simple consideration.

OP - I'm really glad two of your friend sincerely apologized, and I would avoid the sisters like the plague in the future.

citadelle

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 522
  • fully functional & aesthetically pleasing
Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #49 on: December 25, 2012, 01:52:40 PM »
I know someone who is uncomfortable calling for a pizza. Is it inconsiderate to refuse to do that for her? Please note, I am not intending to compare the requests. It is a separate but related question.

Sharnita

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 21530
Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #50 on: December 25, 2012, 02:17:15 PM »
Does that person frequently ask that you call and order pizza for them that you will not be enjoying as well?

citadelle

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 522
  • fully functional & aesthetically pleasing
Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #51 on: December 25, 2012, 02:31:33 PM »
I really don't mean to hijack... if we are together and a request/phone call must be made, she is uncomfortable doing so and wants someone else to help. I usually push her to do it herself, but am questioning that stance while reading these replies. If she's uncomfortable, maybe I shiuld just assist her.

Sharnita

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 21530
Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #52 on: December 25, 2012, 02:38:32 PM »
Well in the example you use if you would be eating pizza toi and you are comfortable calling then pushing her to call strikes me as rude. There doesn't seem to be any reason to do so except to teach her to better herself.

Winterlight

  • On the internet, no one can tell you're a dog- arf.
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 9891
Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #53 on: December 25, 2012, 06:28:16 PM »
If it's a group thing I'd be ok calling. However, if she's asking me to do it when she's in her home and I'm in mine ten miles away, it's not happening.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

Sharnita

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 21530
Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #54 on: December 25, 2012, 06:30:47 PM »
If it's a group thing I'd be ok calling. However, if she's asking me to do it when she's in her home and I'm in mine ten miles away, it's not happening.

Those seem like reasonable boundaries. 

TurtleDove

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6131
Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #55 on: December 25, 2012, 08:18:14 PM »
What the OP asked her friends to do wasn't above and beyond - it was simple consideration.

I liked your perspective in your post.  Here my perspective differs a bit though because if I understood correctly, the OP wanted her friends to essentially escort her, which to me is absolutely going above and beyond simple consideration. I do recognize that I tend to be more independent than most, however.

gramma dishes

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8193
Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #56 on: December 25, 2012, 08:26:35 PM »
What the OP asked her friends to do wasn't above and beyond - it was simple consideration.

I liked your perspective in your post.  Here my perspective differs a bit though because if I understood correctly, the OP wanted her friends to essentially escort her, which to me is absolutely going above and beyond simple consideration. I do recognize that I tend to be more independent than most, however.

After dark in a strange city where I didn't know my way around at all and was all by myself?  Yes, you're darned tootin' I'd want them to escort me at least till the place I was going was within sight!! 

Remember, she wouldn't have been there in the first place were it not for their game-plan-changing shenanigans!  I'm pretty independent too, but I'm don't like walking around in strange cities after dark alone when I am where I shouldn't be in the first place because of someone else's whim. 

Of course, on the other hand, I might not have bothered to hunt them down at their Plan B place either.  I might have just gone back home.  But if that had happened, I'd have never made plans with anyone in that group again.  They've proven themselves unreliable, irresponsible and too childishly afraid of each other to stand up like grown ups and do what's right.

Sharnita

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 21530
Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #57 on: December 25, 2012, 08:30:29 PM »
I think we need to look at the fact that first she just wanted them to wait at the spot they were at until she could get to that spot and accompany them to the restaurant.  They wouldn't do that.  Then she asked that they at least giver her directions that would at least get her to the restaurant.  Their directions fell short there.

Lindee

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 385
Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #58 on: December 25, 2012, 08:35:04 PM »
Friends don't let friends wander around alone in an unfamiliar part of the city at night, especially when she had made it clear she was nervous about it.  A GPS if she had one wouldn't protect her as she traipsed along unfamiliar streets by herself when a few minutes effort on the part of the so called friends could have seen her safely to the train station. In Australia we have recently had the awful case of a young woman who refused an offer to escort her home after a pub night as it was only a few minutes walk who was snatched off the street a few hundred yards from her home. The have caught the guy but that won't bring her back.

cocacola35

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 785
Re: angry at friends-what to say?
« Reply #59 on: December 26, 2012, 11:02:14 AM »
I would be annoyed if my friends changed plans without telling me, then decided not to wait for me to reach the new location.  What would make me furious would be being abandoned at night in an unfamiliar area.  While I have the cognitive ability to find things on my own, to me this shows a complete lack of care and concern about my safety (and essentially me).  I would never do this to a friend (especially a young woman), even if she was familiar with the area.  Growing up, I was always taught that it is very dangerous for a young woman to walk around the city at night by herself.  My other friends were taught the same thing- if the person was in our group we would always make sure they got to their destination safely.  If something happened to her, we'd never be able to forgive ourselves.

OP, did these friends at least call you the next day to make sure you had gotten home safely?  If not, then in my opinion you should find another group of friends to hang out with.  These people at best are too easily intimidated by someone else and will not stick up for you, even if it means compromising your safety.  No advice on how to speak to them- if it were me, I'd just not make anymore plans with them again and treat them more like acquaintances from then on.