A Civil World. Off-topic discussions on a variety of topics. > Time For a Coffee Break!

How to "not care"?

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Amara:
In the "traveling pies" thread, the OP talked about the power of not caring. I could really use this in several areas of my life, the ability to truly not care. I don't want to cut off the people or the situations, but I would love to know how you achieve that "not caring" level while being polite and nice. How can I stop getting so upset?

otterwoman:
I'll ask myself how much 'topic' really effects my life. If it doesn't, then I can just let it go.

Example: my BFF has a louse for a husband. He doesn't work, belittles her when he can, spends them into debt. I care about her, and used to get upset on her behave. However, I have realized that she picked him and chooses to stay with him. So, now I don't care about it. It doesn't affect my life. I can listen to her complain and ask what she plans to do about it, but I am dettached.

bonyk:
I think it has to do with surrendering control.  In the post you mentioned, the OP realized that her SIL was throwing a hissy fit.  She also realized that there was nothing to do to stop it.  So why not eat pie and be happy? 

I have a situation in which I've stopped caring.  Basically, I now expect this person to be unreasonable and obnoxious, and I know I cannot change it.  So when they expected happens, I just nod my head and say, "Yeah, that seems about right."  Honestly, I've never been happier.

chibichan:
I do it asking myself these questions :

Does my getting upset over other people's behavior / situations ever change or help those behaviors / situations ? Usually , the answer is No .

Am I obligated to fix another person's bad behavior or situation ? Same answer .

If I accept that these people / situations are out of my control , what does caring do except upset me ? Usually nothing .

Do I want to care about this ?

At some point , I realized how powerless I was to "help" certain people . They certainly didn't think they needed any help . They thought they were perfectly fine , Thank-You-Very-Much .

The only thing they wanted to hear from me was " Of course , you are completely right ."

Anything less than that got me an endless lecture why I should see things their way .

There is nothing wrong with caring , but there are degrees of caring . I care about world hunger . I try to help where I can , but I will not be able to end it by myself  . I do not let this drive me to despair .

You can do this ! Resolve to make your life more peaceful . Caring is good . Caring about things you cannot change is futile .

JenJay:
For me, it started with realizing that someone's bad behavior toward me wasn't a reflection of me, what I deserved, how anyone felt about me, etc., it just meant that the person had some issues and they were incapable of treating me kindly. I spent some time really thinking on that until I got to a place of "How sad for them. How lonely and unhappy they must feel. I'll make sure that never happens to me!" When you feel like something is being done to you it's very upsetting. When you realize it's about the weaknesses of the person who's doing it, it puts it into the right perspective.

Imagine the hurtful behavior as a pebble the person has thrown. It feels like they're throwing it AT you, right? Try imagining that they are a big, unhappy lake. You are standing on the shore. The pebble isn't thrown at you, it's dropped, and becomes just another pebble of unhappiness adding to the sandy bottom of their lake. It makes a ripple that laps at your feet, but that's all it is.

Sorry if that sounds kinda hokey. It helps me to visualize things like that.  ;)

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