Let's just reserve the whole month of January, shall we? Update post 10

[gramma dishes]

OP ~~  Isn't the one that was in the hospital a really little baby? 

I have to say that although I understand how incredibly frustrating this is for you, and I do sympathize because I know you've been looking forward to this, I can also kind of understand the reluctance on your brother and SIL's part.  It's pretty darned scary to have a tiny baby so sick and I probably would also hesitate to take the baby on an outing so soon after she'd just gotten out of the hospital.

If this isn't a pattern, I hope you can look at is as not an effort to control you but as just being extremely protective of their child.  Now if it happens again?  That's a whole different matter!! 

[Venus193]

I completely agree with Peaches and with JenJay.  Your SIL just wants to be in control.

[doodlemor]

OP ~~  Isn't the one that was in the hospital a really little baby? 

I have to say that although I understand how incredibly frustrating this is for you, and I do sympathize because I know you've been looking forward to this, I can also kind of understand the reluctance on your brother and SIL's part.  It's pretty darned scary to have a tiny baby so sick and I probably would also hesitate to take the baby on an outing so soon after she'd just gotten out of the hospital.

If this isn't a pattern, I hope you can look at is as not an effort to control you but as just being extremely protective of their child.  Now if it happens again?  That's a whole different matter!!

I second this.

[Yankeegal77]

I completely agree with Peaches and with JenJay.  Your SIL just wants to be in control.

As do I. This sounds like SIL wants to control the event and might be using the baby's illness as an excuse. Honestly, if she were truly concerned about leaving the house, illness, etc, the last thing she should want to do is invite  *anyone* over. Germs, possible coming-down-with-something even if someone feels okay, the door opening and introducing a draft...no, if I were a concerned mother, I would have backed out entirely with profuse apologies. That would have been 100% understandable.

The whole deal with "letting you host" was downright weird. I'd be pretty irked, too. If I were you and your DH, I'd either show up with a salad/dessert//bottle of soda (as in, token item) let her host and afterwards, keep this "filed for reference" for future events. (Did you say you had friends you planned to meet? Maybe you can host a gathering for them and a less formal get-together for family as well if you were looking forward to hosting?)

[Phoebe]

I completely agree with Peaches and with JenJay.  Your SIL just wants to be in control.

As do I. This sounds like SIL wants to control the event and might be using the baby's illness as an excuse. Honestly, if she were truly concerned about leaving the house, illness, etc, the last thing she should want to do is invite  *anyone* over. Germs, possible coming-down-with-something even if someone feels okay, the door opening and introducing a draft...no, if I were a concerned mother, I would have backed out entirely with profuse apologies. That would have been 100% understandable.

The whole deal with "letting you host" was downright weird. I'd be pretty irked, too. If I were you and your DH, I'd either show up with a salad/dessert//bottle of soda (as in, token item) let her host and afterwards, keep this "filed for reference" for future events. (Did you say you had friends you planned to meet? Maybe you can host a gathering for them and a less formal get-together for family as well if you were looking forward to hosting?)

Assuming the SIL just wants to "control" the situation is cruel.  I've been in a very similar situation to SIL, I had a newborn in ICU for 3 weeks before he was even allowed to come home.  This isn't about control beyond the fact that BOTH of the parents (stop blaming SIL!) want to keep their new baby healthy and, you know, ALIVE.  They wouldn't be having people over if the doctor hadn't OKd it.  Trust me.  Good grief, people.  We're talking about a life here.  It's a little more important than where dinner is held.

[Venus193]

If I recall correctly, this SIL has a history of attempting to control these situations.

[Phoebe]

If I recall correctly, this SIL has a history of attempting to control these situations.

Even if she does, it doesn't matter where a (recently) critically ill baby is concerned.

[JenJay]

If I recall correctly, this SIL has a history of attempting to control these situations.

Even if she does, it doesn't matter where a (recently) critically ill baby is concerned.

Personally, if my child was so sick I couldn't take her outside of my home without risking a relapse, there is no way I'd want a bunch of people coming over.

Sticking to etiquette, I don't think an ill child means SIL gets to call OP up and inform her the dinner will now be at SIL's house. She can ask, certainly, or decline the invite due to concerns about taking the child out of the house, but not commandeer an already planned and partially prepped-for dinner party.

[penelope2017]

I completely agree with Peaches and with JenJay.  Your SIL just wants to be in control.

As do I. This sounds like SIL wants to control the event and might be using the baby's illness as an excuse. Honestly, if she were truly concerned about leaving the house, illness, etc, the last thing she should want to do is invite  *anyone* over. Germs, possible coming-down-with-something even if someone feels okay, the door opening and introducing a draft...no, if I were a concerned mother, I would have backed out entirely with profuse apologies. That would have been 100% understandable.

The whole deal with "letting you host" was downright weird. I'd be pretty irked, too. If I were you and your DH, I'd either show up with a salad/dessert//bottle of soda (as in, token item) let her host and afterwards, keep this "filed for reference" for future events. (Did you say you had friends you planned to meet? Maybe you can host a gathering for them and a less formal get-together for family as well if you were looking forward to hosting?)

Assuming the SIL just wants to "control" the situation is cruel.  I've been in a very similar situation to SIL, I had a newborn in ICU for 3 weeks before he was even allowed to come home.  This isn't about control beyond the fact that BOTH of the parents (stop blaming SIL!) want to keep their new baby healthy and, you know, ALIVE.  They wouldn't be having people over if the doctor hadn't OKd it.  Trust me.  Good grief, people.  We're talking about a life here.  It's a little more important than where dinner is held.

Yeah, a lot of these replies are really surprising to me. Whatever the SIL's past, this is a fragile new baby that was very ill. Not having to take the baby out in the elements alone is a reason to have the event at the SIL's house.

I realize the OP is frustrated but I really have a hard time believing that someone who's new baby was deathly ill is really going to spend time creating this devious plot to "control" a family holiday celebration. Even parents of a healthy new baby are often encouraged to keep the baby home initially during cold winter months. It is totally reasonable and makes sense that the OP's SIL wants to do the same.

It is no indication that the OP's house "isn't good enough" and I do actually think the SIL was trying to be considerate by saying since you had planned to host, that you could just continue your plans but at their house.

OP, is this also a SIL that previously lost a child, or am I thinking of someone else? If so, it makes even more sense that she is overprotective. I think in these cases we might realize people are extremely concerned for their baby's welfare and be a little sensitive to that. I really think writing off this situation as "using the baby as an excuse to control things" is pretty callous way of looking at it.

[Deetee]

If I recall correctly, this SIL has a history of attempting to control these situations.

Even if she does, it doesn't matter where a (recently) critically ill baby is concerned.

Personally, if my child was so sick I couldn't take her outside of my home without risking a relapse, there is no way I'd want a bunch of people coming over.

Actually, I can totally see a situation where I wouldn't want to take a child out, but would be fine with people coming over. In fact, that is what I plan for next Christmas when I will have a second young child. When people come over, the child still has the same bedroom and crib and changing table. If they are tired, they are more likely to take a nap in familiar surronding. If they are nursing and not comfortable (mom or baby) in front of others, they will eat better in familiar surrondings. If mom or dad or baby are a little overwhelmed, they can retreat for 15 minutes into a bedroom that is theirs.

Comfort and health concerns are not just about the number of people the child is exposed to. It is about the entire environment.

Lady Snowdon, I know there is some backstory and a history of hard feelings, but this is not the time or place to make a stand or be upset. Your SIL's request is perfectly reasonable and is really not about you or your place not being "good enough". It's about them not being the baby's home.   

[NyaChan]

I completely understand that you are upset OP.  I would be irritated by them trying to humor me by "letting" me cook everything and serving it out of their house.  I don't see what purpose it served to have her even point it out to you that she was just offering as a favor/out of guilt beyond getting it across that their true preference was to host the event entirely by themselves.  That said, I would do my very best to let it go in this case.  Yes, your event was changed and ultimately taken from you and that wasn't right.  However, under the circumstances, I don't think you should let this weigh on your mind.  I don't think it is crazy to think that SIL wanted this holiday to be all about her family, i.e. they are in crisis, everyone should accommodate us!! and then having a hard time letting that status go once the crisis has past.  But she is a mom & her baby was sick, and giving her the benefit of the doubt in this limited case would be the generous thing to do.  Granted I'm still mad that my friends took Thanksgiving away from me in a similar fashion so I guess I'm not really in a position to say anything lol 

[JenJay]

If I recall correctly, this SIL has a history of attempting to control these situations.

Even if she does, it doesn't matter where a (recently) critically ill baby is concerned.

Personally, if my child was so sick I couldn't take her outside of my home without risking a relapse, there is no way I'd want a bunch of people coming over.

Actually, I can totally see a situation where I wouldn't want to take a child out, but would be fine with people coming over. In fact, that is what I plan for next Christmas when I will have a second young child. When people come over, the child still has the same bedroom and crib and changing table. If they are tired, they are more likely to take a nap in familiar surronding. If they are nursing and not comfortable (mom or baby) in front of others, they will eat better in familiar surrondings. If mom or dad or baby are a little overwhelmed, they can retreat for 15 minutes into a bedroom that is theirs.

Comfort and health concerns are not just about the number of people the child is exposed to. It is about the entire environment.

Lady Snowdon, I know there is some backstory and a history of hard feelings, but this is not the time or place to make a stand or be upset. Your SIL's request is perfectly reasonable and is really not about you or your place not being "good enough". It's about them not being the baby's home.   

I have three "babies" so I'm very aware of why parents may prefer to stick close to home with little ones. 

I'm only speaking to the specifics of this situation - baby being so ill (or susceptible to illness) that taking baby out might cause a relapse and whether or not it's okay to change someone else's dinner party to accommodate the baby without asking the would-be host first.

[Poppea]

Holy Guacamole!  This poor woman has a baby die at 4 days old and then another one in the hospital for weeks as a newborn (all within 2 years) and anyone is criticizing her for being too protective/controlling?  OP she may truly be a horrible controlling  difficult person in normal circumstances, but you have to give her a lot of slack in these circumstances.  Next year when she has a healthy little one toddling around feel free to shut her down, 

In the present circumstances you need to let her host and just bring whatever you want (if anything).  If you balk you will just look like an unfeeling unkind person. 

[Lady Snowdon]

Holy Guacamole!  This poor woman has a baby die at 4 days old and then another one in the hospital for weeks as a newborn (all within 2 years) and anyone is criticizing her for being too protective/controlling? OP she may truly be a horrible controlling  difficult person in normal circumstances, but you have to give her a lot of slack in these circumstances.  Next year when she has a healthy little one toddling around feel free to shut her down, 

In the present circumstances you need to let her host and just bring whatever you want (if anything).  If you balk you will just look like an unfeeling unkind person.

I don't think there's any need to shout that.  Yes, I know that her first child died at 4 days old (3 years ago to be precise), and she was given a LOT of slack for that holiday season, and the next one (when she had a newborn and we all hoped that every day nothing would happen).  Then we had to give her slack last year, when her daughter was a year old, because it's hard for parents of young ones to get around and do things.  Now I need to cut her some slack this year.  Can you see where I'm getting to the point where it's hard to keep doing that?

Also, I said in my update that I emailed her back and told her if she'd like to host she certainly can.  I have not told her she can't host, I have not told her that she's ridiculous, nothing like that.  My email said I could understand her reservations, and if she wanted to host, she was welcome to do so. 

[Queen of Clubs]

OP, I can understand why you're feeling rather annoyed at yet another 'give SIL some slack!' season.  Unfortunately, even if she has a history of being controlling and manipulative, there's no way you can say anything due to the circumstances.  I think your email back to her was fine.  I hope the dinner goes well.

I am surprised that your SIL would rather have the hassle of preparing dinner for all those people though.  With two very young children to look after, especially one who's so very delicate at the moment, I would have thought hosting a dinner party would be too much hassle.  Maybe your BIL will be doing the cooking or they'll buy a catered meal.