Let's just reserve the whole month of January, shall we? Update post 10

[Lady Snowdon]

I remember the previous posts about the SIL and while it was beyond horrible what happened to her, I remember thinking that her behaviour was still a bit much (long, public, raging tantrums at events she organised over things that were very innocent)
 
However, I don't think that really has a bearing on this event. You can't request that Christmas not be altered because it will be, but you can choose how to respond (and whether to attend).

How long do they get to alter Christmas for, for the rest of their family? Does the rest of the family never get to have a "normal" Christmas again because of this part of the family's tragedies?  I think the OP has been more than giving, and sympathetic...but she and her family need to have normalcy return - she not wrong or unfeeling because they are at differing stages than the SIL.  ( not that you, personally are saying that she but some of the posts in this thread have been harsh towards the OP). One can only live in crisis mode for so long.

The OP and her DH already had their Christmas just the way they wanted it already.  This is a post Christmas gift exchange with 6 people, 4 of whom are the family with the sick baby, and the other two are the grandmother and aunt of the baby.  Quite frankly, if the OP wasn't willling to accomodate the sick baby she would probably find herself without any guests.

Anthera, a couple of times in this thread, you've mentioned that I got to have Christmas "just the way I wanted it".  I wish you wouldn't assume this.  I spent Christmas with my family, this year, true.  It was not the way I wanted it to be.  I posted one of the funnier bits of horribleness in the "Special Snowflake" thread.  My uncle was arrested on Christmas Eve, my father's Alzheimer's has deteriorated to the point where he occasionally doesn't know who I am or who my DH is (that was a fun discovery on Christmas Eve), my grandfather has lost the use of one of his hands over the past few weeks (at least he was home and not on a day pass from the hospital the way it was the previous three times I was home)...if that sounds like a Christmas "just the way I wanted it", then you're made of stronger stuff than I am. 

This party was going to be Christmas the way I wanted it; to be with family, to create, prepare and serve a meal that people would enjoy, to give gifts that I thought would be meaningful and appreciated.  I'll go along with the new plans, and my IL's won't know how hurt I am by what's happened.  It still won't be Christmas "the way I wanted it to be".

[sammycat]

I have no dog in this hunt, I just wanted to point out that many people, myself being one of them, cannot or will not operate in a state of perpetual drama or crisis.  I do believe that SIL had legitimate reasons in 2009 and 2012 and should be accorded all the good will possible, but that her actions in 2010 and 2011 would make it difficult for me to keep up the goodwill indefinitely.

*Not to speak for the OP, these are my thoughts projected onto the OP.

I agree.

[kareng57]

I remember the previous posts about the SIL and while it was beyond horrible what happened to her, I remember thinking that her behaviour was still a bit much (long, public, raging tantrums at events she organised over things that were very innocent)
 
However, I don't think that really has a bearing on this event. You can't request that Christmas not be altered because it will be, but you can choose how to respond (and whether to attend).

How long do they get to alter Christmas for, for the rest of their family? Does the rest of the family never get to have a "normal" Christmas again because of this part of the family's tragedies?  I think the OP has been more than giving, and sympathetic...but she and her family need to have normalcy return - she not wrong or unfeeling because they are at differing stages than the SIL.  ( not that you, personally are saying that she but some of the posts in this thread have been harsh towards the OP). One can only live in crisis mode for so long.

The OP and her DH already had their Christmas just the way they wanted it already.  This is a post Christmas gift exchange with 6 people, 4 of whom are the family with the sick baby, and the other two are the grandmother and aunt of the baby.  Quite frankly, if the OP wasn't willling to accomodate the sick baby she would probably find herself without any guests.

  In my family this would be the "family" Christmas -the celebration with the WHOLE family  - and one group is continually needing to have the others work around them.  That's neither right nor fair.  Nor is it right to for them to reserve an entire month "just in case" - if the situation is that precarious = Cancel it entirely but you don't get to co-opt every weekend for a month or the family get together forever or take over other folks parties - I don't blame the OP for being put out. And if the other guests did not want to come to the party I provided - fine but then they need not be surprised when my part of the family starts decline invites to things with the larger group.

One of my cousin's has a DH with MS.  We always have to work around his disability when there are extended family celebrations.  We can never ever have an extended family celebration at my house because it is not wheelchair friendly.    Same with another cousin's little boy with the severe peanut allergy, if that branch of the family is coming menus need to be peanut free to protect him.

Its neither right nor fair that the SIL has lost a newborn and had another one hospitalized for 4 weeks.

And how long does the OP have to pay for the fact that the SIL has lost a newborn and had another get sick? The rest of her life? After four years I would be questioning it, too.   
 We don't know that the MIL and the other SIL are ok with this or if they are feeling put off but putting up with it for another year -there not here to say either way -but I don't think hte OP deserves the harshness that she has gotten here, either.

This is not a newborn "getting sick".  This is a newborn who was ill enough to be hospitalised for several weeks, and the previous infant death was only a couple of years ago.  If it was 20 years ago, that would be different.

I too agree that OP simply does not like SIL.  She may be justified, but ought to simply opt out of the post-Christmas celebrations rather than painting SIL as "entitled".

[MizA]

I agree with Sammycat.
 
And given the update with regard to Lady Snowdon's current family situation, I agree more than ever. It's utterly terrible when one's children are sick, true, but to discover that one's father is showing early signs of dementia is equally as distressing.

Holidays are *always* loaded occasions. Having to constantly acquiesce to a friend or family member can become tiring after a while, and may begin to lend to a feeling of abandonment or unimportance for those being asked to accommodate. I am by no means discounting the stress that the family with the sick child must be feeling, rather, trying to express that this does not occur in a vacuum; Everyone who is affected has the right to feel how they need to feel given the circumstance.

[snowdragon]

I agree with Sammycat.
 
And given the update with regard to Lady Snowdon's current family situation, I agree more than ever. It's utterly terrible when one's children are sick, true, but to discover that one's father is showing early signs of dementia is equally as distressing.

Holidays are *always* loaded occasions. Having to constantly acquiesce to a friend or family member can become tiring after a while, and may begin to lend to a feeling of abandonment or unimportance for those being asked to accommodate. I am by no means discounting the stress that the family with the sick child must be feeling, rather, trying to express that this does not occur in a vacuum; Everyone who is affected has the right to feel how they need to feel given the circumstance.

ITA - and it has to be hurtful to be the one that is always shoved aside and expected to support someone else with no regard for one's own feelings.   OP - next year make a Christmas for yourself, your DH and your kids - and let the rest of them  be,, obviously they are not willing to give you the same support as they demand from you.

[penelope2017]

I agree with Sammycat.
 
And given the update with regard to Lady Snowdon's current family situation, I agree more than ever. It's utterly terrible when one's children are sick, true, but to discover that one's father is showing early signs of dementia is equally as distressing.

Holidays are *always* loaded occasions. Having to constantly acquiesce to a friend or family member can become tiring after a while, and may begin to lend to a feeling of abandonment or unimportance for those being asked to accommodate. I am by no means discounting the stress that the family with the sick child must be feeling, rather, trying to express that this does not occur in a vacuum; Everyone who is affected has the right to feel how they need to feel given the circumstance.

ITA - and it has to be hurtful to be the one that is always shoved aside and expected to support someone else with no regard for one's own feelings.   OP - next year make a Christmas for yourself, your DH and your kids - and let the rest of them  be,, obviously they are not willing to give you the same support as they demand from you.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I dont think the OP has children, and as per the bolded, where are you getting that? Has the OP indicated she lacks support in similar circumstances?

[snowdragon]

I agree with Sammycat.
 
And given the update with regard to Lady Snowdon's current family situation, I agree more than ever. It's utterly terrible when one's children are sick, true, but to discover that one's father is showing early signs of dementia is equally as distressing.

Holidays are *always* loaded occasions. Having to constantly acquiesce to a friend or family member can become tiring after a while, and may begin to lend to a feeling of abandonment or unimportance for those being asked to accommodate. I am by no means discounting the stress that the family with the sick child must be feeling, rather, trying to express that this does not occur in a vacuum; Everyone who is affected has the right to feel how they need to feel given the circumstance.

ITA - and it has to be hurtful to be the one that is always shoved aside and expected to support someone else with no regard for one's own feelings.   OP - next year make a Christmas for yourself, your DH and your kids - and let the rest of them  be,, obviously they are not willing to give you the same support as they demand from you.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I dont think the OP has children, and as per the bolded, where are you getting that? Has the OP indicated she lacks support in similar circumstances?

 The OP has her own family issues going on and is still expected to cave to the SIL and family.  There seems to be no consideration for that at all. Just this is what's good for SIL and family, So you need to change what you planned to suit them.  The fact that SIL wanted he OP to change venue - but still bring all the food and do all the work, says there is very little concern for adding more stress and work to the life of someone already going through a lot and finding out that a parent does not know you any longer and a grandparent lost use of a hand means you are facing your own crisis.  The baby died three years ago - the OP is facing the loss of her father NOW. And make no mistake having a parent/grandparent no longer recognize you is a loss as great as a death ( at least it was for me when my paternal grandparent no longer knew me, even tho she lived with me) - in many ways the physical death is easier for the families of Alzheimer's  patients and it's an on going acute crisis.  And it really seems that this family could have been more considerate of the OP and her family's needs.
   The OP has been accommodating the SIL and family for a few years, now when the OP is facing her own family crisis - she's asked to give more, that she likely does not have to give.  I don't blame her for her feelings here. I admire her for being able to put them aside and go to the SIL's house once again.  I think that as her father progresses in the course of his Alzheimer's that she will need to put herself and her family first and when the rest of DH's family wonders where  the OP and her DH and family are - they will only have to look at themselves for the answers.

[Poppea]

I remember the previous posts about the SIL and while it was beyond horrible what happened to her, I remember thinking that her behaviour was still a bit much (long, public, raging tantrums at events she organised over things that were very innocent)
 
However, I don't think that really has a bearing on this event. You can't request that Christmas not be altered because it will be, but you can choose how to respond (and whether to attend).

How long do they get to alter Christmas for, for the rest of their family? Does the rest of the family never get to have a "normal" Christmas again because of this part of the family's tragedies?  I think the OP has been more than giving, and sympathetic...but she and her family need to have normalcy return - she not wrong or unfeeling because they are at differing stages than the SIL.  ( not that you, personally are saying that she but some of the posts in this thread have been harsh towards the OP). One can only live in crisis mode for so long.

The OP and her DH already had their Christmas just the way they wanted it already.  This is a post Christmas gift exchange with 6 people, 4 of whom are the family with the sick baby, and the other two are the grandmother and aunt of the baby.  Quite frankly, if the OP wasn't willling to accommodate the sick baby she would probably find herself without any guests.

Anthera, a couple of times in this thread, you've mentioned that I got to have Christmas "just the way I wanted it".  I wish you wouldn't assume this.  I spent Christmas with my family, this year, true.  It was not the way I wanted it to be.  I posted one of the funnier bits of horribleness in the "Special Snowflake" thread.  My uncle was arrested on Christmas Eve, my father's Alzheimer's has deteriorated to the point where he occasionally doesn't know who I am or who my DH is (that was a fun discovery on Christmas Eve), my grandfather has lost the use of one of his hands over the past few weeks (at least he was home and not on a day pass from the hospital the way it was the previous three times I was home)...if that sounds like a Christmas "just the way I wanted it", then you're made of stronger stuff than I am. 

This party was going to be Christmas the way I wanted it; to be with family, to create, prepare and serve a meal that people would enjoy, to give gifts that I thought would be meaningful and appreciated.  I'll go along with the new plans, and my IL's won't know how hurt I am by what's happened.  It still won't be Christmas "the way I wanted it to be".

I'm sorry that you had such a bad Christmas.  By saying you had Christmas just the way you wanted it, I was not commenting on what happened with your family, but that you were able to spend Christmas with your natal family and that your SIL did not attempt to alter or control your holiday.

I've looked at some of the other threads about your SIL and the underlying problem here is that you see your SIL as a spolit "golden child".  "SIL gets her way in everything in this family."  Your MIL will cancel plans with the rest of the family if SIL can't attend.  Its very hurtful to see your efforts and your DH marginalized.  From what you've written I imagine that if all three of MIL's children were drowning and she only had two life preservers it sounds like she'd throw both to SIL1. 

Also in a previous thread you stated that she "She's always gotten whatever she wanted/needed, whether it was high grades, marrying the "right kind" of guy, buying a house in the "right" neighborhood, etc. "  So I'm sensing that the family culture may also be that SIL is considered to have made more "right" choices or have more "right" things than you and DH.

Because you see her as an entitled brat, any reasonable requests she makes may seem to you as just additional manipulations.  In this instance, she requested that the gift exchange be held at her house.  Her infant had just come home from a month long stay in the hospital.  She also has a toddler.  Quite frankly, it would be exhausting to just watch a two year old at a non childproofed home.  Its not unreasonable for her to make this request.  She only made the request after her baby became sick.  Before that she was willing to come to your house.  Of course, you both know that if you don't agree that the entire event will be cancelled.  SIL may not care at all if its cancelled.  She's more concerned with her children.  You care because you had been looking forward to hosting and also to a nice gift exchange and had spent considerable time selecting presents.  She awkwardly offers to let you host in her home, it comes out wrong and you are miffed "your home isn't good enough to set foot in, but we want you to cook for us because we like your food".

Her wanting to have the gift exchange at her house is about her needs (not taking sick baby outside, child proofing, access to cribs if the babies fall asleep, changing tables, etc).  But you are feeling it as a "slap in the face".  You feel "our house isn't good enough for her children..."  You both have the right to want what you want, but she has far more power than you in her family.

The truth is many families will bend over backwards to help out the members with very young children or health issues.  I think your DH's family will also brnd over backwards to accommodate your SIL whether she needs it or not.  You are frustrated by her special treatment.  But there is nothing you can do to change how your ILs treat her.  All you can do is either stand your ground or give way.  In this instance, you very correctly gave way.  That doesn't mean you have to do it the next time.  Or the time after.  And it certainly doesn't mean you ever have to like it.

I'm going to suggest that next year you come up with some really fun activity (decorating cookies?  Movie and lunch ? Ice skating and hot cocoa?) that you and DH could do with niece1.  Tell SIL that you wanted to give her a break (ie she is NOT invited)  Make it so much fun that MIL begs to be included.  Add niece2 when she gets older.  This could become your Christmas tradition that SIL wouldn't be able to touch("We wanted you to have a chance to go Christmas shopping/get a manicure/groom the cat").  I might just start going on vacation every other Christmas, because as SIL's kids get older and if there aren't any other grandchildren the holidays will become more and more SIL centric with your ILs. 

[Hmmmmm]

I'm sorry you've had such a difficult holiday season.  I understand your desire to "cook and serve a meal that your guests will enjoy and give gifts they will appreciate".  You want the chance to host your inlaws and sort of highlight your hosting skills and are being thwarted every year because of accommodations for your SIL your DH's family all agree is reasonable.  I think if that is your desire, it might be that you need to change the guest list for your Christmas celebration next year.  It doesn't sound like your DHs family is interested in making your desires a priority.  From your Posts, it doesn't sound like your side of the family would be able to join in so maybe your DH and you should start developing close friendships with other couples who will grow into your holiday "family". 

Your situation reminds me of a family I met through my DH.  The family had one son and a daughter 2 years older.  The parents coddled the daughter and even as an outsider it was always apparent that the sons desires came second.  They truly were a nice family, but I was always bothered by how much control the daughter had in the family.  They would even joke about it.  If the daughter needed help with the rent because she wanted to live in a nicer apartment than she could afford, then the parents supplemented her income.  But the son would never have asked his parents for financial help because he should be able "to stand on his own".  If the son suggested going out to one restaurant, they always ran it by the daughter first to make sure she was good with the resataurant chosen.

 The sister never liked any of her brother's girlfriends, they were never "good enough" for the family.  (i will admit that he did pick some of the most dimwitted dates and I was never overly fond of any of them). We always knew who ever he married was going to have a horrible time in the family, which she does. So now, they have little to do with his family and the mother and sister blame his wife.  They can not accept that they drove him away by making his wife a second class citizen.  Distancing themselves from his family was probably the healthiest thing they could have done for their marriage.

[gramma dishes]

...      The OP has been accommodating the SIL and family for a few years, now when the OP is facing her own family crisis - she's asked to give more, that she likely does not have to give.  I don't blame her for her feelings here. I admire her for being able to put them aside and go to the SIL's house once again.  I think that as her father progresses in the course of his Alzheimer's that she will need to put herself and her family first and when the rest of DH's family wonders where  the OP and her DH and family are - they will only have to look at themselves for the answers.

Eloquently spoken!