Author Topic: Really...it's OK. Don't worry about it.  (Read 2374 times)

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gen xer

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Really...it's OK. Don't worry about it.
« on: December 22, 2012, 11:02:45 AM »

BG.  I find myself in a childcare pinch for a few days after Christmas when the kids are still off but we have to return to work.  Normally my eldest DD at 10 is fine for an hour or two on her own after school and younger DD ( 6 ) goes to a daycare which is closed for the Christmas holidays.  DH's niece was supposed to babysit for those few days but backed out ( don't get me going on that ).

Soooo...I asked my mom and dad if they could help out.  Now I could take a few days off but I have limited time off and really would like to save it if possible.  Mom and dad normally love to help but this time they didn't want to do it as they are getting ready for an extended vacation on the east coast with my brother. 

My etiquette issue is....they wrung their hands, fussed and kept overexplaining about why they couldn't do it...apologizing over and over again, going on and on even though I told them it's OK, not to worry, if I can't manage something I will stay home.  It's not really critical that I find someone - it just saves me some of my limited leave that I would like to keep vailable for emergencies like sick kids etc.  And yet I couldn't get that point across and I was getting frustrated and embarrassed trying to reassure them that it really is OK if they can't do it.  How do you politely shut someone down who won't drop it?  I can only give out so much reassurance that I am not angry or upset!

AmethystAnne

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Re: Really...it's OK. Don't worry about it.
« Reply #1 on: December 22, 2012, 11:06:56 AM »
How about saying, " Really, it's OK! It'll be alright. Bean dip?"


TootsNYC

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Re: Really...it's OK. Don't worry about it.
« Reply #2 on: December 22, 2012, 11:14:45 AM »
Maybe you find a way to physically leave the conversation?
Though maybe that will make them think you're miffed.

You also check your tone of voice to be sure you're not letting your own frustration *with the situation* show through.

And then you aggressively bean-dip.

edgypeanuts

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Re: Really...it's OK. Don't worry about it.
« Reply #3 on: December 22, 2012, 02:08:41 PM »
Tell them that you would not have asked if you were not okay with them saying they couldn't and that if they don't drop it and relax you will feel like you cannot ask them to help out in the future.  They are busy, you understand, it is not a big deal.
 
In my family, I would yell a bit- "MOM- it is FINE.  Relax and move on!" But she would do the same to me cause we are close and that is how we get along.  She has even said it is easier to get along with me (and my sister) cause we just tell her if something is out of line and move on, wereas our brothers get hurt and stew.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Really...it's OK. Don't worry about it.
« Reply #4 on: December 22, 2012, 02:18:39 PM »
Oh, the mom's who hate saying no.  My mom was one of them, a complete people pleaser, especially to her daughters. 

We had to finally get to the point of saying.  "Mom, seriously, it is fine.  If you keep going on like this when you have to say no, I'll quite asking you for help. Now be quiet about it."

Then you call a few days later and say, "you know it was a good thing that you couldnt sit for us because I found this great holiday camp at the museum that the kids are really excited about going to and I wouldn't have looked into it if you'd stayed with them." or "after thinking about it, we decided we do want the extra time with the girls, so I'm taking 2 days off and DH is staying home 3 days.  We are really looking forward to the quiet time."

If you dont do a follow up she'l not enjoy her time away because she'll feel guilty. 

Oh Joy

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Re: Really...it's OK. Don't worry about it.
« Reply #5 on: December 22, 2012, 02:39:54 PM »
I might thank them for turning me down, because it helps me know that they are willing to say 'no' when they need to, so I'm not afraid to ask.  I worded it funny, but I think you can get the idea.

Mikayla

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Re: Really...it's OK. Don't worry about it.
« Reply #6 on: December 22, 2012, 02:42:15 PM »
"It's not really critical that I find someone - it just saves me some of my limited leave that I would like to keep vailable for emergencies like sick kids etc. "

Is it possible you're giving too much detail?  If someone stated something to me this way, I'd feel like a guilt trip was being laid on me.  Even your title, said in the wrong tone, could sound passive aggressive.

Try to sound more enthusiastic if she brings it up again.  "Mom, I'm looking forward to it!  We're trying to plan some small activities and it will be fun with all of us together having our free time".  Or something like that. 

gen xer

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Re: Really...it's OK. Don't worry about it.
« Reply #7 on: December 23, 2012, 07:38:29 PM »
Tell them that you would not have asked if you were not okay with them saying they couldn't and that if they don't drop it and relax you will feel like you cannot ask them to help out in the future.  They are busy, you understand, it is not a big deal.
 
In my family, I would yell a bit- "MOM- it is FINE.  Relax and move on!" But she would do the same to me cause we are close and that is how we get along.  She has even said it is easier to get along with me (and my sister) cause we just tell her if something is out of line and move on, wereas our brothers get hurt and stew.
Yes!  The  little yell is what I did too - "MOM!!  DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!!!!"  but then I thought that because I raised my voice a little that it come off as me being angry about her saying no and getting snotty about it.
   
That is what I found frustrating - I was not angry about her saying no but was getting mad at having to mollycoddle her guilt feelings away. 

I also remember an incident where a coworker borrowed my car for a short errand and returned in tears.  She had rolled down the power windows and they wouldn't go back up.  Of course she was convinced she had broken something ( turned out she had inadvertently hit the power window lock button when I went out to check a little later).  She apologized in embarrassing, weepy profusion, was promising to pay me for repairs etc, etc.  No matter how much I told her that if there was an electrical problem with the cars windows it would not be her fault she just wouldn't listen but went on with the wailing and gnashing of teeth.  I found myself getting really annoyed with the carrying on.  I mean how much reassurance do you have to give someone before they accept what you tell them?

SoCalVal

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Re: Really...it's OK. Don't worry about it.
« Reply #8 on: December 23, 2012, 10:28:35 PM »
DF is like this and, yes, I do get way more upset about his fretting than whatever prompted it.  These days, I think I just change the subject and move on.  He's a drama llama about EVERYTHING and over-emotes on a regular basis so I've learned to just ignore his drama a lot of the time.