Author Topic: Just checking - am I okay here?  (Read 6521 times)

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SoCalVal

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Re: Just checking - am I okay here?
« Reply #15 on: December 23, 2012, 01:11:39 AM »
I think SoCalVal brings up some vetry valid points.  I'd reply back that sorry, you're not having a party but hosting a small, formal dinner with limited seating.  But perhaps you can join this couple for brunch the weekend afterwards?  Or, depending on what time your dinner party is, if you eat dinner early perhaps you can say "I'm having a dinner party early in the evening but you're welcome to join us at 11 for drinks and the midnight toast." if that works for you.


I would not do this.  It is B List.

I wouldn't do this, either, but I don't think of it as B list when the couple is, essentially, inviting themselves over at this point.  They lost their actual invite when they declined two months ago.



Bethalize

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Re: Just checking - am I okay here?
« Reply #16 on: December 23, 2012, 08:49:23 AM »
Thanks, everyone. I texted back "I'm afraid that when you declined I invited someone else." I got a text saying "We did say we would be around the Christmas season..." but I'm ignoring it. If you want to come to a grown up dinner party you have to play by adult rules. I am not going to please everyone at the expense of what I want , especially not when they weren't going to prioritise me.

The sad thing is that if they hadn't left it until ten days before NYE I might have felt differently. But - pigeon breasts!
« Last Edit: December 23, 2012, 08:51:05 AM by Bethalize »

SoCalVal

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Re: Just checking - am I okay here?
« Reply #17 on: December 23, 2012, 12:01:06 PM »
With that kind of attitude, I wouldn't want to invite them to anything again ever.  The gracious response to you telling them you invited someone else would've been, "Thank you for inviting us; we thought we'd check, just in case."  Their response sounds like an accusation, like it's YOUR fault for filling THEIR spot.



quiescent

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Re: Just checking - am I okay here?
« Reply #18 on: December 23, 2012, 01:54:25 PM »
They probably are not understanding of how there is difference between hosting 8 and hosting 10. If the friends are close friends I guess I'd probably feel kinda offended if I was told there wasn't room for me. It can be diffuclt to know what plans are when you're asked to make decision months in advance.

Shoo

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Re: Just checking - am I okay here?
« Reply #19 on: December 23, 2012, 02:03:49 PM »
It can be diffuclt to know what plans are when you're asked to make decision months in advance.

So they missed their chance to attend the dinner party.  That's what happens when you don't accept an invitation when it is extended, just in case something better comes along.  Because really, why else wouldn't someone accept an invitation immediately?  Either the date is free or it isn't.  They gambled and lost.

camlan

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Re: Just checking - am I okay here?
« Reply #20 on: December 23, 2012, 02:29:52 PM »
It can be diffuclt to know what plans are when you're asked to make decision months in advance.

So they missed their chance to attend the dinner party.  That's what happens when you don't accept an invitation when it is extended, just in case something better comes along.  Because really, why else wouldn't someone accept an invitation immediately?  Either the date is free or it isn't.  They gambled and lost.

Sometimes you do have to check on a date--you might not remember the exact date of an event, or you might be trying to make plans with someone else and have two or three dates that semi-reserved because you haven't figured out when you are meeting. Or, over the holidays especially, you might know you have a family get-together that you want to go to, but the date hasn't been finalized yet.

As an example, a very close friend of mine was born on New Years Day. Some years she throws a New Years Eve/birthday party. Some years she has a small party on New Years Day. And some years, she doesn't have any sort of a party. We're close enough that I would chose to attend her New Years party, whichever day it was, if she was having one. But I wouldn't know two months ahead of time when it was going to be, necessarily. So if I got another invitation for New Years, I'd have to check with my friend to see if she was having a party.

But if that's the case, then, unlike the couple in the OP, you tell the person extending a new invitation that. "Oh, we'd love to come, but we need to check with Dave's family/my brother/the Simpsons first, as we've promised to go to their big holiday party. But they hadn't set the date the last time we talked to them. Can you give us two days to see if they've pinned down a date yet?"

Especially if your host has told you there is limited seating and that she'll take your inability to answer as a "no." If you really wanted to attend that party, wouldn't you ask for a day or two to check out what the other plans are, and then get back to your host? Most hosts, two months out, would be willing to wait a day or two for a response, I think. But probably not a month, as they might want, as the OP did, to invite someone else if there's space.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn


wheeitsme

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Re: Just checking - am I okay here?
« Reply #21 on: December 23, 2012, 02:54:23 PM »
Every New Years, we share a blow out dinner party started by the DH's best friend.  There is a limited guest list and the idea is to have a gourmet blow-out.  One year it was at our house and we invited the BIL and wife.  We don't think they understood the multi-course dinner party invite because when they arrived they said something that made us think they planned on stopping in and moving on.  But to give them credit, they stayed for the whole night.  It sounds like your "new couple" doesn't understand the premise of the night. 

If you do respond, I'd prolly say something to the effect of "You said that you weren't sure, and I needed to plan, so I told you that was fine and I would accept that as a "not attending".  Since I had to specially order the main course and I can't order more, I can't change the invite list to include you.  Perhaps we could do something else together?"

<edited for a mis-spelled word>
« Last Edit: December 23, 2012, 09:16:34 PM by wheeitsme »

sparksals

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Re: Just checking - am I okay here?
« Reply #22 on: December 23, 2012, 04:42:46 PM »
I think SoCalVal brings up some vetry valid points.  I'd reply back that sorry, you're not having a party but hosting a small, formal dinner with limited seating.  But perhaps you can join this couple for brunch the weekend afterwards?  Or, depending on what time your dinner party is, if you eat dinner early perhaps you can say "I'm having a dinner party early in the evening but you're welcome to join us at 11 for drinks and the midnight toast." if that works for you.


I would not do this.  It is B List.

I wouldn't do this, either, but I don't think of it as B list when the couple is, essentially, inviting themselves over at this point.  They lost their actual invite when they declined two months ago.

True, but to invite them to come after everyone else is invited to dinner is not polite and is the B-list part. 

sparksals

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Re: Just checking - am I okay here?
« Reply #23 on: December 23, 2012, 04:45:51 PM »
I understand completely having limited spots for a dinner.  I do Canadian TG and I can only have 10 people.  No more.  One friend was insulted not to be invite, even though she is not Canadian, she has never invited us to any holiday or special dinner at her house.  If I were to include her, I would have to change the entire meal to buffet, plate-on-lap-thing and I don't want to do that.  I do two sit down dinners a year and I will not compromise how I want to do it.

JeanFromBNA

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Re: Just checking - am I okay here?
« Reply #24 on: December 23, 2012, 08:37:05 PM »
It can be diffuclt to know what plans are when you're asked to make decision months in advance.

So they missed their chance to attend the dinner party.  That's what happens when you don't accept an invitation when it is extended, just in case something better comes along.  Because really, why else wouldn't someone accept an invitation immediately?  Either the date is free or it isn't.  They gambled and lost.

"That sounds great!  Let me check the calendar to make sure we're free!  When do you need a response?" 

You may want to check with a spouse, another family member who has plans, your work, etc.  Perfectly acceptable to do so.  Not acceptable: Giving the host a blank look and a vague answer, followed by accepting at the last minute. 

Raintree

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Re: Just checking - am I okay here?
« Reply #25 on: December 24, 2012, 03:12:01 AM »
Thanks, everyone. I texted back "I'm afraid that when you declined I invited someone else." I got a text saying "We did say we would be around the Christmas season..." but I'm ignoring it. If you want to come to a grown up dinner party you have to play by adult rules. I am not going to please everyone at the expense of what I want , especially not when they weren't going to prioritise me.

You said it perfectly. "Being around the Christmas Season" is not the same as, "yes, I would definitely like to attend your dinner party."

Like a PP said, it does sound like they don't understand the concept of a sit-down dinner party. Not quite the same as, "drop by sometime in the evening, the more the merrier, BYOB, and there will be an abundance of food out to help yourselves to, buffet style, oh and please bring something to share if you wish."

If they mention it again, maybe tell them, "Since it was a sit-down dinner, I needed a definitive RSVP in advance for this one as I have limited space."

sparksals

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Re: Just checking - am I okay here?
« Reply #26 on: December 24, 2012, 11:17:33 PM »
, "Since itwas a sit-down dinner, I needed a definitive RSVP inadvance for this one as I have limited space."

I think it would have been helpful to state this in the response.  They may not be aware it is a sit down dinner.   Although I do believed they were looking for a better invite. It is rude to keep a host hanging. 


Decimus

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Re: Just checking - am I okay here?
« Reply #27 on: December 26, 2012, 10:45:30 AM »


If they mention it again, maybe tell them, "Since it was a sit-down dinner, I needed a definitive RSVP in advance for this one as I have limited space."
[/quote]

They ARE being rude, but it might help them for next time to realize this was a sit-down dinner.  If you give them the benefit of the doubt, they may well believe you were hosting a buffet style party, and hence may be genuinely confused as to why they couldn't be added or left as a maybe.

lowspark

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Re: Just checking - am I okay here?
« Reply #28 on: December 26, 2012, 04:24:12 PM »
<snip>
 the new couple looked at each other and said they didn't know what they were doing yet.

This right there is the same as saying "we can't say yes because something better might come along."

When you are invited to something, then you either decline because you already have plans or you accept. Either way, yes, you do know what you are doing. Saying you don't know what you are doing means you are waiting for an offer to come along that is good enough to accept. Your offer didn't meet that criteria until the point at which it became clear that they weren't going to get a better offer after all.

In your place, even if there were room at my table, I'd have to seriously consider whether I wanted to include this couple. I think your text reply was perfect.

mrkitty

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Re: Just checking - am I okay here?
« Reply #29 on: December 26, 2012, 05:36:41 PM »
<snip>
 the new couple looked at each other and said they didn't know what they were doing yet.

This right there is the same as saying "we can't say yes because something better might come along."

When you are invited to something, then you either decline because you already have plans or you accept. Either way, yes, you do know what you are doing. Saying you don't know what you are doing means you are waiting for an offer to come along that is good enough to accept. Your offer didn't meet that criteria until the point at which it became clear that they weren't going to get a better offer after all.

In your place, even if there were room at my table, I'd have to seriously consider whether I wanted to include this couple. I think your text reply was perfect.



POD right here. lowspark is absolutely right.
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