Is my mom rude, I know this is lagte and I can only do so much?

[atirial]

I'd agree your mother is wrong. In our family any guest spending christmas with us will get something, regardless of relationship, just as part of being a good host. It would be a very lonely christmas with nothing to open, especially if everyone else got something.

[peaches]

In our family anyone who joins us for Christmas receives a present. We had my SILs mum today and she received plenty of presents. It would be rude otherwise, related or not.

This is a good rule to follow.

Mom is being thoughtless. But I wouldn't add her name to your gift.

[cicero]

rude.

how is this guest going to feel when her BF's mother doesn't give her a gift? not very welcomed. Your mother is setting a bad boundary here, and it's a shame because in this type of situation even a little bit of goodwill will got a long way - she doesn't have to spend mucho $$ here, even a small but tasteful box of chocolates, bath products, or scarf would do the trick.

[jmarvellous]

We are big gift-givers here and it would be so obvious (and rude!) if my mom gave her 3 kids 5+ presents each and didn't give my fiance anything. She obviously doesn't know him quite as well, but the coffee grinder and coffee beans, toys for our cat, and a set of Star Trek salt and pepper shakers struck the right note of "we're trying!"
Even last year when he was only my boyfriend of six months, she gave him a few things!

Your mother is setting herself up for a difficult future!

[LeveeWoman]

She's not just rude: she's mean.

[Judah]

Not rude, but a really bad choice relationship-wise and very hurtful.

[SamiHami]

Wow! Using Christmas as a vehicle for showing dislike for someone is so low. Her attitude is incredibly rude. This ugliness just so not what this season is about.

Does your father know about this intentional rudeness? What does he think about it?

[Tiamet]

I have always been of the opinion that if someone is close enough to spend Christmas with you, you give them a gift.  If you don't know someone well, a generic gift like chocolates/bath salts etc. is fine but you need to give something.

I don't think this necessarily applies if two unconnected groups of people are invited to one house, but certainly it applies to the hostess.

From what you've said, this relationship is intended to become permanent.  Is your mother happy that she may never see the (hypothetical) grandchildren at Christmas?  After all, it has been made clear that their mother isn't 'family'.  If I had a MIL with this attitude, I wouldn't be spending major holidays with her and their is no way my (equally hypothetical) children would be spending holidays without me.

[Surianne]

Huh, if I hadn't read the responses I wouldn't have thought this was rude.  It's normal in my family.

My sister's long-term boyfriend has joined us for Christmas for many years, and usually only exchanged gifts with my sister.  Now he exchanges with my parents too, since they have built up a relationship, but he and I don't exchange gifts -- and we do like each other, we just never said we'd do it.  It's the same when she goes to his place for Christmas with his family. 

I guess it just depends on the family culture; it's happened with other significant others and no one has taken offense.  Once there's a marriage, usually then they're given "family" gifts (to both members of the couple, or to the couple + kids). 

If the visitor had *no* gifts to open, it would be odd, but I assume she's getting a gift from her fiance. 

[gramma dishes]

We bought Christmas stockings for each of our in-law children long before they were married.  In fact, my son had only been dating his (now) wife for about three months before their first Christmas here. 

We filled her special stocking with several small, moderately priced items and we told her she could take her stocking home with her, but that if she came back next year she'd need to bring the stocking back with her because our Santa only supplies one stocking per person.     She brought it back over Easter to make sure it would be here for her -- her way of letting us know she did indeed intend to be back sharing future Christmases with us again.

Basically we did the same thing with our sons in law.  We still have all the original stockings!   

OP, I can't imagine what it would feel like to be your future sister-in-law and sit around watching everyone else opening presents knowing that there would be absolutely none for me because I wasn't quite yet "one of them'.  I think it would be very hurtful.

Unless that's what her parents do to your brother too.   

[NyaChan]

I wouldn't think this was as bad if they weren't engaged already.  Now if this was a girlfriend who was showing up, I'd wonder if she felt close enough to the parents to buy them Christmas presents and use that as a measure of whether the parents should give at least a token gift to her.  But this is a soon-to-be family member, not a new girlfriend.  She may be giving a joint gift with the son to the parents or a gift just from her.  In that case it would be hurtful to receive nothing in return because it would be a physical example of how the parents have less regard for her than she does for them. 

To be honest though, if I were her, I wouldn't expect anything to be gifted to me unless the son had indicated otherwise (I hope he has been a good liaison and worked to manage expectations) which would have surprised me and made me feel good.  I know I may be missing some nuances here  because I don't celebrate Christmas, but we do give gifts at our holidays as well and when I have visited people, they did include me in a token gift and in one case, gave me a monetary gift on par with their children even though it was the first time they had met me.  It surprised me and was so sweet that it almost made me cry as I was missing my family very badly.  In other words, I think the MIL is missing an opportunity to be kind and gracious to someone she will soon be related to and I hope the future DIL isn't put off by this. 

[Sharnita]

OP, how did it go?

[Drawberry]

Do not add your parent's name to your gift.  Let your mom and dad stand by their own choices and decisions.  Stay far away from this as possible.   Cultivate your own relationships and handle your own gift giving.

I cannot say enough how much I agree with this.

Your mother clearly feels certain ways about SIL and it's not up to you to try and maintain some kind of relationship between them.

Even though I've been with Boyfriend for a few years now I am still blown away when his family calls me their family and his mother sends me off with a "love you". From the moment we became a couple it was being welcomed into their family and that's that. That's just how they are. Extremely kind and open people who welcome you in with open arms.

It's unfortunate when people make a distinction that is clearly a form of alienation and burn bridges before they're even built.

[LeveeWoman]

We bought Christmas stockings for each of our in-law children long before they were married.  In fact, my son had only been dating his (now) wife for about three months before their first Christmas here. 

We filled her special stocking with several small, moderately priced items and we told her she could take her stocking home with her, but that if she came back next year she'd need to bring the stocking back with her because our Santa only supplies one stocking per person.     She brought it back over Easter to make sure it would be here for her -- her way of letting us know she did indeed intend to be back sharing future Christmases with us again.

Basically we did the same thing with our sons in law.  We still have all the original stockings!   

I can't tell you how much this story touched me, gramma dishes.

[LilacRosey]

So I didn't ask my parents if they wanted to put their names on my gift because I thought you people made great points. She brought a candle holder for my mom and a 6 pack of beer for my Dad and gloves for my other brother, and bath salts for me which is cute because I got her bath lotion! I felt bad she didn't have anymore presents., LilacRosey.