Is my mom rude, I know this is lagte and I can only do so much?

[Shoo]

So I didn't ask my parents if they wanted to put their names on my gift because I thought you people made great points. She brought a candle holder for my mom and a 6 pack of beer for my Dad and gloves for my other brother, and bath salts for me which is cute because I got her bath lotion! I felt bad she didn't have anymore presents., LilacRosey.

Tasteful and modest gifts.  She acted perfectly.  I hate to say it, but I hope your parents were embarrassed.

[gramma dishes]

You did the right thing, LilacRosey.  I'm sure you made her feel warmly welcomed, despite your mother's little faux pas there.  She apparently handled the situation tactfully and tastefully too.  Good for both of you.

[Yankeegal77]

This woman sounds like a very nice, classy lady. I'm so glad you bought her a little something to at least forge your own relationship with her. Trust me, this will also keep your relationship with your brother in very good repair over the coming years. Rock on!

I'm not fond of my brother's girlfriend, but she lives with my brother and  gets a gift from me every year--usually a very nice hair accessory or some bath/body products. And at least one small gift is labeled for both her and my brother. Why? Because I do it for my brother, to keep his feelings intact and to keep the peace in their home. (She is a major drama queen.)   And even though I have met her daughters from her previous marriage only once, they get small gifts. Because it's Christmas, for crying out loud.

Pointedly leaving someone out at Christmas is low. My grandmother did that to my mother (and other DILs) for years and I have never forgiven that. It definitely tainted her relationships with her daughters-in-law and grandchildren. There are 364 other days to be spiteful, and she chose Christmas. Poor choice.

And gramma dishes, I LOVED your story. Your now-DIL has a wonderful MIL.

[Deetee]

I'm glad you didn't add the names to the gift. The future SIL sounds very nice and I'm sorry that your mother is being so harsh.

However, even though your motivations were nothing but pure (to make the SIL feel welcome) one thing I have noted on ehell is how painful it is for a person who is being on the wrong end of a nastygram when everyone else minimizes the nasty persons behaviour. So by hiding how unpleasant your mom is, it can make it easier for others to pretend she is not being cruel. Your brother for sure needs to know what your mother is actually like.

[Winterlight]

I'm glad you didn't add the names to the gift. The future SIL sounds very nice and I'm sorry that your mother is being so harsh.

However, even though your motivations were nothing but pure (to make the SIL feel welcome) one thing I have noted on ehell is how painful it is for a person who is being on the wrong end of a nastygram when everyone else minimizes the nasty persons behaviour. So by hiding how unpleasant your mom is, it can make it easier for others to pretend she is not being cruel. Your brother for sure needs to know what your mother is actually like.

Good point. If your mom wants to behave badly, hiding it won't help.

[Girlie]

I think your mom made a mistake. I don't know your future SIL, but if she and your brother end up having children, she'll be the gatekeeper. And she'll have a bigger claim on your brother. Not saying that she'll be vindictive or anything, but I could understand not feeling wanted.

It doesn't hurt to take an extra minute to let someone know they are welcome in your home. At Christmas time, when you know everyone else is going to be unwrapping lots of presents, surely it is not remiss to have something under the tree for the woman who your son has decided to marry, who will likely be the mother of your future grandchildren, and who will be helping your son decide which nursing home to put you into one day.
Maybe that sounds mean, but I don't mean it to. It's always best to start these relationships off on as high a note as possible.

[Surianne]

I think your mom made a mistake. I don't know your future SIL, but if she and your brother end up having children, she'll be the gatekeeper.

This seems like a very sexist concept to me.  Aren't both people, male and female, equally the parents?  The idea of the woman being in charge of the kids and denying interaction with the kids due to not receiving a present from her in-laws once (I'm not seeing any outright malice here, just...not buying a gift?) seems a little extreme to me. 

[Sharnita]

I think your mom made a mistake. I don't know your future SIL, but if she and your brother end up having children, she'll be the gatekeeper.

This seems like a very sexist concept to me.  Aren't both people, male and female, equally the parents?  The idea of the woman being in charge of the kids and denying interaction with the kids due to not receiving a present from her in-laws once (I'm not seeing any outright malice here, just...not buying a gift?) seems a little extreme to me.

I don't think it would be due to no gift, I think it would be due to the distance imposed by MIL, a distance reflected by the lack of of gift.  And while it wouldn't be up to her alone I would think that when somebody tells DH his bride isn't part of the family he would probably be inclined to support his spouse as opposed to the person who rejected her.  Now it is true that  she might be willing to give MIL the opportunity to warm up.  I hope for the sake of everyone that a warm relationship can still develope.  However, I think that will take some effort on MIL's part.

[JacklynHyde]

You are going to be an awesome sister to this upcoming member of the family!  Hopefully your parents will come around after the wedding.  Hopefully they've already realized they goofed with the early chance to make a positive impression.

[Girlie]

I think your mom made a mistake. I don't know your future SIL, but if she and your brother end up having children, she'll be the gatekeeper.

This seems like a very sexist concept to me.  Aren't both people, male and female, equally the parents?  The idea of the woman being in charge of the kids and denying interaction with the kids due to not receiving a present from her in-laws once (I'm not seeing any outright malice here, just...not buying a gift?) seems a little extreme to me.

Sorry, I didn't mean it to. I view both parents as gatekeepers, yes, but speaking from my personal experience, if one parent doesn't want to spend time with one set of in-laws, that person seems to become THE gatekeeper for that family. Being a gatekeeper doesn't apply across the board in regards to all situations.

If the future MIL insists on showing a degree of seperation from her son's soon-to-be-wife, then she cannot be disappointed or upset when the DIL reciprocates the apathy. It's not about the gift - it's about the fact that it likely is not going to go unnoticed by the future DIL that MIL wasn't making the attempt to be overly warm or welcoming simply because they haven't their day in church (or wherever) yet. I realize I can only speak for me, but I know my feelings would have been hurt and I'd be wondering why MIL didn't like me.

[Yankeegal77]

I think your mom made a mistake. I don't know your future SIL, but if she and your brother end up having children, she'll be the gatekeeper.

This seems like a very sexist concept to me.  Aren't both people, male and female, equally the parents?  The idea of the woman being in charge of the kids and denying interaction with the kids due to not receiving a present from her in-laws once (I'm not seeing any outright malice here, just...not buying a gift?) seems a little extreme to me.

Sorry, I didn't mean it to. I view both parents as gatekeepers, yes, but speaking from my personal experience, if one parent doesn't want to spend time with one set of in-laws, that person seems to become THE gatekeeper for that family. Being a gatekeeper doesn't apply across the board in regards to all situations.

If the future MIL insists on showing a degree of seperation from her son's soon-to-be-wife, then she cannot be disappointed or upset when the DIL reciprocates the apathy. It's not about the gift - it's about the fact that it likely is not going to go unnoticed by the future DIL that MIL wasn't making the attempt to be overly warm or welcoming simply because they haven't their day in church (or wherever) yet. I realize I can only speak for me, but I know my feelings would have been hurt and I'd be wondering why MIL didn't like me.

This makes sense--the clarification really helped! I know some people in that situation--the mother has had *serious* IL issues and unfortunately, most of the family has been cut off because of the one IL's behavior and the DIL's reaction. The feud between them has affected a lot of people and in order to have harmony, her husband backs her up.

And you're correct about it not being about a gift. Not receiving a gift can be for a lot of reasons--finances, etc. It's the *spirit* in which it sounds like the gift is *not* being given that is an issue.  My feelings would have been hurt, too.

[bopper]

Quite Frankly, I think your mom is wrong if this is a nice girl who your Brother has been seeing for a long period of time.  She soon will be a part of the family and she will remember this.  If this was a new girlfriend or someone your brother has known for two weeks and then proposed to, I could see her point.  I would think a token gift would be at least the thing to do.

I got my older daughter's boyfriend a gift as she has been seeing him over a year. I did not buy my younger daughter's BF a gift as he is newer.

[Luci45]

It doesn't matter about how long the relationship, if there is any, has been going on.

One Christmas we found out that our neice was bringing a guest and didn't even know the gender, but we went out a bought said guest a box of chocolates at the only store still open. A quick wrapping with my stepmother's supplies and a blank tag to be filled out when we finally met and we were good to go.

It turned out to be the man she ended up marrying, but even they didn't know they were going to fall in love.

We didn't feel we were going above and beyond. We were just doing a nice, welcoming thing.

[Outdoor Girl]

LilacRosey, you did exactly right.  And your Mom was very wrong.  If this were a new girlfriend, maybe I could see her point but this is your brother's fiancee!  Who is obviously a very classy lady.  Were I in her shoes, I've had tried to come up with gifts like she did.

Last year, there was a chance that one of my nephews' friends would be joining us for Christmas.  Not only was I busy figuring out how to stretch the stocking stuff to one more, I was trying to figure out if I had time to knit him a hat so he'd have something to open.  He didn't end up joining us but I was ready, just in case.  (I ended up making him a hat this year - he's been a great friend through the ups and downs with my SIL.)

[gmatoy]

I have a gift drawer with things that are appropriate for both sexes and a variety of ages, so that I'm not caught without a gift for someone who comes over. So I can not imagine giving nothing at all to a future in-law.