It's not what it looks like. No, really. But thanks for asking...I think.

[RooRoo]

"No no, we have a very stable relationship.  I'm fine hitting the hay at home, but I know I can bale if I need to.  Besides, even though he looks ready to explode like a Pinto, I wish you wouldn't saddle him with such a pejorative!"

I trotted that bit by DH and the result was unbridled laughter.

Explode like a Pinto! ::snort:: 

[Shea]

There's a way to reach out to a woman (or indeed man) who's being abused, and what that woman did is not it. Asking if she's okay is, I think, fine, but saying straight out (on absolutely no evidence) that the OP's husband was an abuser and she should leave him was entirely inappropriate. Even asking if she was being abused, in this case, wasn't appropriate because there was simply no evidence. The woman was a busybody.

Last year I was at the doctor's for my annual exam, and the doctor noticed a long scratch surrounded by a large bruised area on my inner thigh. She was immediately suspicious and asked gently how it had happened. Fortunately it was not the result of an abusive partner, but of a friend's gigantic half-grown Bernese Mountain Dog puppy, who was so excited to meet a new person that she leaped up on me, and her claw caught my leg (I was wearing a mid-thigh-length skirt at the time, so the result was somewhat unpleasant). When I told the doctor, she seemed to believe me and didn't mention it again. I didn't mind her asking because she's a medical professional and that sort of thing is her job, and also it did look rather unfortunately like the result of some sort of sexual abuse .

[Ceallach]

There's a way to reach out to a woman (or indeed man) who's being abused, and what that woman did is not it. Asking if she's okay is, I think, fine, but saying straight out (on absolutely no evidence) that the OP's husband was an abuser and she should leave him was entirely inappropriate. Even asking if she was being abused, in this case, wasn't appropriate because there was simply no evidence. The woman was a busybody.

Last year I was at the doctor's for my annual exam, and the doctor noticed a long scratch surrounded by a large bruised area on my inner thigh. She was immediately suspicious and asked gently how it had happened. Fortunately it was not the result of an abusive partner, but of a friend's gigantic half-grown Bernese Mountain Dog puppy, who was so excited to meet a new person that she leaped up on me, and her claw caught my leg (I was wearing a mid-thigh-length skirt at the time, so the result was somewhat unpleasant). When I told the doctor, she seemed to believe me and didn't mention it again. I didn't mind her asking because she's a medical professional and that sort of thing is her job, and also it did look rather unfortunately like the result of some sort of sexual abuse .

And I imagine somebody trying to lie to hide their abuse would be unlikely to think of a detail such as "Bernese Mountain Dog"!    If you'd given a vague answer about tripping and falling then she might have probed further!

I agree, it's appropriate in that context for them to ask, she wouldn't have been doing her job if she hadn't at least queried it.

[Shea]

There's a way to reach out to a woman (or indeed man) who's being abused, and what that woman did is not it. Asking if she's okay is, I think, fine, but saying straight out (on absolutely no evidence) that the OP's husband was an abuser and she should leave him was entirely inappropriate. Even asking if she was being abused, in this case, wasn't appropriate because there was simply no evidence. The woman was a busybody.

Last year I was at the doctor's for my annual exam, and the doctor noticed a long scratch surrounded by a large bruised area on my inner thigh. She was immediately suspicious and asked gently how it had happened. Fortunately it was not the result of an abusive partner, but of a friend's gigantic half-grown Bernese Mountain Dog puppy, who was so excited to meet a new person that she leaped up on me, and her claw caught my leg (I was wearing a mid-thigh-length skirt at the time, so the result was somewhat unpleasant). When I told the doctor, she seemed to believe me and didn't mention it again. I didn't mind her asking because she's a medical professional and that sort of thing is her job, and also it did look rather unfortunately like the result of some sort of sexual abuse .

And I imagine somebody trying to lie to hide their abuse would be unlikely to think of a detail such as "Bernese Mountain Dog"!    If you'd given a vague answer about tripping and falling then she might have probed further!

I agree, it's appropriate in that context for them to ask, she wouldn't have been doing her job if she hadn't at least queried it.

I was actually worried she'd think I was making it up because of the details, like I was adding things to make it seem more believable!

[Jocelyn]

Last Monday, I was volunteering at an animal shelter. One of the kittens was up on my shoulder, lost his balance, and threw a paw out to try to catch himself. Instead, he caught me mid-cheek, leaving a scratch down to my jaw. Several students asked me what had happened, and I replied, 'Exactly what you think happened'. I don't think I'll ever be able to avoid claw punctures long enough to have my entire body healed up. 

[Yvaine]

Last Monday, I was volunteering at an animal shelter. One of the kittens was up on my shoulder, lost his balance, and threw a paw out to try to catch himself. Instead, he caught me mid-cheek, leaving a scratch down to my jaw. Several students asked me what had happened, and I replied, 'Exactly what you think happened'. I don't think I'll ever be able to avoid claw punctures long enough to have my entire body healed up. 

I had a Labrador scratch the daylights out of my back right before an event to which I was wearing a dress with a keyhole back. I forgot all about the dress design (and failed to check the right spot in the mirror) till I arrived at the event and realized I looked like I'd been wrestling tigers. 

[Figgie]

I fall all the time.  So, I have pretty much constant bruises in varying shades of healing all along my arms, legs and trunk of my body.  I'm fortunate, in that I fall enough that I am very good at it and that means most of my bruises are generally covered up by my clothes.

Mayo Clinic told me I would be in a wheelchair full-time by the time I was 50.  So far, it is eight years past that and I can still manage with a walker or cane or even just grabbing walls and doorways to take a few steps.  Probably in my case, because I have kept pushing myself to keep the few "steps" that I have.

Which means that when I fell in a hotel room and gave myself a concussion (slipped on a pool of oily cleaner that had been left by the housekeeper on the floor of the bathroom and whacked my head against the side of the doorway), I ended up in the emergency room and the bruises that were uncovered (from previous falls) were pretty impressive.

Did you know that if you fall sideways into a doorknob the bruise that forms looks exactly like someone hit you in that spot with a fist?   

They asked my spouse to leave, but since he and I had discussed this possibility previously, he refused and told them to ask me about the bruises.  I told them they were all self-inflicted and they didn't believe me.

Since my family physician had told me that this might happen if I ever ended up in an emergency room other than the one at the local hospital, he had given me his work, home and cell phone numbers to carry with me.  So I told them to give me my purse and I would give them phone numbers so that they could contact my personal physician with any questions that they might have about my bruises. 

Which immediately appeared to alleviate their concerns, as they moved on to treating me instead of believing I was being abused.

I've had busy-body people approach me about any visible bruises (more often when it is warm than when I am bundled up in the winter) and I handle it by laughing and telling them that I manage to bruise myself up all by myself.  Since when I am out and about, I am in my wheelchair, that does seem to stop people from arguing with me.  If they did argue, I would just end the conversation and move away from them.

[Just Lori]

I keep thinking of my friend, whose back bore the bruises of multiple beatings. He tried to hide them in high school, but one time he removed his shirt and the gym teacher saw his back.  The teacher told him to put his shirt back on and never said a word again about it.  Granted, this was probably three or four decades ago, so I don't know if mandatory reporting rules were in effect.

The instance in the OP was inappropriate and rude.  But I really appreciate everyone in this thread who didn't take offense when medical professionals questioned them.  I'd rather be asked about every bruise than know there are other people like my friend, whose bruises are ignored.

[mmswm]

There's a way to reach out to a woman (or indeed man) who's being abused, and what that woman did is not it. Asking if she's okay is, I think, fine, but saying straight out (on absolutely no evidence) that the OP's husband was an abuser and she should leave him was entirely inappropriate. Even asking if she was being abused, in this case, wasn't appropriate because there was simply no evidence. The woman was a busybody.

Last year I was at the doctor's for my annual exam, and the doctor noticed a long scratch surrounded by a large bruised area on my inner thigh. She was immediately suspicious and asked gently how it had happened. Fortunately it was not the result of an abusive partner, but of a friend's gigantic half-grown Bernese Mountain Dog puppy, who was so excited to meet a new person that she leaped up on me, and her claw caught my leg (I was wearing a mid-thigh-length skirt at the time, so the result was somewhat unpleasant). When I told the doctor, she seemed to believe me and didn't mention it again. I didn't mind her asking because she's a medical professional and that sort of thing is her job, and also it did look rather unfortunately like the result of some sort of sexual abuse .

Oh, dear, I hope I don't have cause to go to the ER until after my excitable 18mo Mastiff puppy settles down a bit.  I have scratches and bruises in various stages of healing everywhere.  He's already 120lbs and really just has no idea how big he is.

In all seriousness though, I would not be offended if I was asked by a medical professional about the bruises and scratches, but I would be if they wouldn't take that as the answer.

[Twik]

A little O/T - when I was in university, I had to go to Student Health for some my annual physical. While waiting interminably, I started reading a medical magazine, with an interesting article on how to identify patients with alcoholism. One giveaway, apparently, is that they tend to have a lot of bruises on their legs, from bumping into things while intoxicated.

Of course, once into the exam, the first thing the doctor mentioned was, "Hmm, you have a lot of bruises on your shins!" I felt very awkward trying to explain that I had naturally poor coordination, and a roommate who insisted on having coffee tables with really pointy edges.

[Xandraea]

I bruise like a peach.  I am quite fair-skinned and I am always finding little bruises and having no recollection of bumping into something.  Lately, I've been known to turn a finger purple simply by bending a knuckle and feeling a vein pop. It's rather ridiculous, really.

One day a few years ago I played volleyball with a bunch of friends, using what were unfortunately old, and/or overinflated rock-hard volleyballs.  I enthusiastically played as long as the games went on, and the result was that I ended up with deep purple bruises from my elbows to the palms of both hands.  By the next day they didn't hurt, but they sure looked terrible!  I prayed for cooler weather so I could wear long-sleeved shirts, and for the next week it was indeed long sleeves weather.  About a week later I was working as a nanny and in chasing the kids around got quite warm, so pushed up my sleeves without thinking about it, as my arms felt absolutely normal.  Queue surprised horror from the kids' mother when she saw the fading bruises, which were well on their way to green.  I told her about the volleyball day and she seemed relieved.  Thankfully I had many witnesses to back up my explanation that "I was attacked by a volleyball!"

[Sophia]

...and a roommate who insisted on having coffee tables with really pointy edges.

Yes, me too.  I remember boyfriend when I was in college suspected I was having ...overly physical scramble with someone else because of all the bruises on my thighs.    Until one day he saw me walk into a room, bump into the corner of some furniture of his, barely say "ow", and then a nasty bruise appeared. 

My husband on the other hand, doesn't bruise easily and he will show me a bruise and expect me to feel sorry for him.  He's never reached the level where I would remember the injury. 

[Jocelyn]

They asked my spouse to leave, but since he and I had discussed this possibility previously, he refused and told them to ask me about the bruises.  I told them they were all self-inflicted and they didn't believe me.

You do realize that this is exactly what an abusive man would do, under the circumstances?
It might not be the best way to handle the situation, in the future.

[Mental Magpie]

They asked my spouse to leave, but since he and I had discussed this possibility previously, he refused and told them to ask me about the bruises.  I told them they were all self-inflicted and they didn't believe me.

You do realize that this is exactly what an abusive man would do, under the circumstances?
It might not be the best way to handle the situation, in the future.

I thought the exact same thing...

[Figgie]

They asked my spouse to leave, but since he and I had discussed this possibility previously, he refused and told them to ask me about the bruises.  I told them they were all self-inflicted and they didn't believe me.

You do realize that this is exactly what an abusive man would do, under the circumstances?
It might not be the best way to handle the situation, in the future.

It's the way we always handle it.  They are not (and have not) ever once just believed me when I've told them that the bruises are self-inflicted.  And that is whether my spouse is with me or not. 

You wouldn't believe the interrogation I got from a medical student who was working with my family practice doctor...one of the few times I've had to tell a medical student  to leave the exam room because I wasn't going to discuss my bruises with her any further.

And since I prefer my spouse stay with me (which I also express along with him refusing to leave), I will keep on keeping on the way that I already am.  

My responsibility to medical professionals is to tell them my medical history, including explaining that my inability to walk more than a few steps unassisted is what leads to my falling and the bruises.  While I understand and respect their need to ask me about possible abuse, they also need to respect my answer.