Family=/= Carte Blanche to be rude

[dustyninja]

I was "attacked" like that at the same time by my aunt and grandmother. What stopped it? Since I was at my grandparents's house when it happened. I walked out and went home.

They called later and my mom answered the phone. They asked why I left so soon. Mom told them. Their reply was, "But we're family!!" Yeah...I can feel the love. 

But the insults stopped after that day.

[Mental Magpie]

FTR, I have no problem with GEH calling her Aunt Bitterhag on E-Hell. There were a few posters, however, encouraging GEH to tell her exactly what she thought of her to her face. That is to what I object.

[mrkitty]

I see what you're saying, Magpie.

On the other hand, this might be one of those times where health and etiquette collide. Just as safety trumps etiquette, it may turn out that mental health might have to as well in this case, if her polite responses to the abuse or etiquette techniques aren't able to solve the problem. It is unfortunate, but sometimes bullies and abusers need to be shut down - and there just is no polite way to do that.

I, too, vote for talking to her family members and even declining attendance at family events to hopefully force the family into choosing the OP. But I also think there's a time and a place to stand up to bullying, too. This might be one of them.

It's a tough call.

[Sophia]

She also doesn't have much family of her own left who will tolerate her.  When her eldest daughter was married (recently divorced) she stopped coming to any family functions where her mother would be...she had an 'out' by way of her husband.  Her son would rather stay at Aunt Awesome's or my parents' place when he comes to town...he won't stay with her.  Her own siblings have either passed away or cut her off because her terrible attitude has alienated them all ...

Gee, I wonder why?

... and I think my own family feels bad for her and so keeps her 'in the family' so to speak.  It's kind of them, I can't argue that, but I can't help but wonder if maybe she doesn't need to spend a few holidays home alone to be reminded of how valuable caring family really is, and how maybe she ought to show a little more grace and gratitude.

If you have the talk with Aunt Awesome that I suggested, you might mention that idea too.


eta:  I like the names Awesome and Bitterhag.  It helps me keep people straight.  If you had used Aunt Anne and Aunt Betty  or Aunt A and Aunt B, I would have had to struggle to remember which was the nice one.

[Winterlight]

She also doesn't have much family of her own left who will tolerate her.  When her eldest daughter was married (recently divorced) she stopped coming to any family functions where her mother would be...she had an 'out' by way of her husband.  Her son would rather stay at Aunt Awesome's or my parents' place when he comes to town...he won't stay with her.  Her own siblings have either passed away or cut her off because her terrible attitude has alienated them all and I think my own family feels bad for her and so keeps her 'in the family' so to speak.  It's kind of them, I can't argue that, but I can't help but wonder if maybe she doesn't need to spend a few holidays home alone to be reminded of how valuable caring family really is, and how maybe she ought to show a little more grace and gratitude.

I agree with the bolded. I don't think she will, but it might just remind the others that not being around someone that unpleasant is a good thing.

[Redneck Gravy]

If you were to stand up for yourself and the family get-together was ruined, it would be because SHE ruined it, not you.

You care too much about keeping the peace.  I say let her have it next time she opens her mouth.  Practice what you're going to say, stay deathly calm, and say it through gritted teeth loudly enough for the whole family to hear.  Tell her you will not let her speak to you or about you that way and if she does, you are leaving.  And then DO it.  Your family doesn't have your back on this.  Why would you care if their party is spoiled by your aunt?

POD Shoo - no other comments are necessary. 

Why do you tolerate this attack on you? You wouldn't allow this at any other venue would you (work, shopping, doctor's office)?  You would speak your peace and leave.  Do it now.

[CakeBeret]

I like the idea of treating her like a toddler and acting like a daycare worker.

"Aunt Bitterhag, it's time to stop complaining about the coffeemaker. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

"That was not a nice thing to say. In fact, it was quite rude and you owe me an apology. No--apologize now."

"You've made it quite clear that you don't like ham. If you don't like it, don't eat it. But you need to stop whining about it."

But honestly, if it were me, I would make A Scene. I am quiet and nonconfrontational, so if I ever make A Scene, my family knows that I mean business. I have only had to do it once, and I can't tell you how satisfying and effective it was.

A Scene doesn't even have to be rude. Stand tall, put your shoulders back, and say in your best firm voice, "I have had enough. I refuse to be demeaned and abused by Aunt Bitterhag. I am tired of your insults, Aunt, and I refuse to listen to your abuse any longer. You have been unimaginably cruel, and I will not subject myself to your nastiness any longer. [turn to your family] I am sick of you sitting back and making excuses while I am insulted, abused, and driven to tears by a bitter, hateful woman. You have placed her feelings in front of mine for the very last time. I will no longer tolerate this behavior from any of you."

Then leave. Turn off your phone and go do something nice for yourself. Chances are that it will never happen again. If it does, say "I have told you before that I will not subject myself to this abuse." and then leave.

[Decimus]

You could try replying "It's inappropriate to make such comments."  If she asks why, or says she's doing it because she cares, or whatever, simply repeat "It's inappropriate to make such comments."  Over and over if need be. 

[lowspark]

I think if I were in your position I'd confront her with her rudeness. I agree that ignoring her or any other kind of passive response amounts to a tacit approval.

Aunt Bitterhag: Rude fat comment
GEH: (point blank): Aunt "Realname", Did you really mean to say something so rude to me? Do you realize how rude that is?
Aunt Bitterhag: I wasn't being rude (or whatever other excuse)
GEH: Yes, you were rude. Your comments about my weight are rude and unwelcome. Please do not say those things to me anymore.

And I would do this every. single. time. Till she stops.
Consistence is the important here so that she knows that you will call her on her rudeness without fail, which should get her to stop because you are now turning the embarrassment back onto her.

[Midnight Kitty]

I will always remember the time I told my father to leave my house in the middle of dinner.  He made an insulting comment to my ex-husband who is drama-phobic.  At the time, my father was living (temporarily) under the roof for which my XH paid and eating food my XH bought.  I told Dad he could not sit at XH's table and insult him, so he needed to leave - now!  My father was quite taken aback, but he watched his tone and thought about what he was saying to XH, at least for awhile. 

My father has foot-in-mouth disease.  He doesn't suffer from it; We do.  He seems to wallow in it.  He has even said, "I can't watch every little thing I say!  I feel like I'm walking on eggshells."  I hate that feeling of "walking on eggshells," but Dad stomps on them, then looks surprised when he has hurt someone's feelings.

Family - Bah Humbug! 

[amylouky]

I'd probably just greet her with, "Hi, Aunt BH! Let's just get this out of the way.. I'm fat! Any digs you'd like to get in? No? Okay, then we'll consider the subject closed." Then any comments would be met with, "Oh, we already talked about that, remember?"

I don't think you should have to miss out on family events because she is mean. I guess I can understand the family not wanting to exclude her, but I am sure it is very hurtful. I wouldn't continue to invite someone who treated someone that I loved that way, no matter who they were.

You could always just do the cut direct, don't even acknowledge her presence or comments in any way. Who knows what she'd escalate to, but it would just make her look like the fool.

[Wordgeek]

Insofar as this relates to etiquette, the OP has received good advice.

I predict that, in the aftermath of the joyous holiday celebrations we've all experienced, there will be more threads of this nature.  People, please keep the relational back story off centre stage.  This is an etiquette forum; let us focus on the etiquette issues involves.  In this case, the OP would read something like this: "I have an aunt, Bitterhag, who often makes negative, hurtful comments to me in front of multiple family members.  How can I bean dip her while keeping the family drama to a minimum?" Enough said.