Was it unreasonable to expect her to attend?

[Kiara]

I think that Lita was rude for cancelling on you like she did. However, I am also seeing you as unreasonable -- and actually, downright judgmental. (Why did you mention that someone has a low-paying job and lives paycheck to paycheck? Why did you not arrange something for yourself pre-made you could take in that day and everyone else enjoy Chinese?) I am surprised she agreed to spend time away from traveling family in the first place too, that's important.

This is how I read it too.  The OP did a lot of asking/offering and determining only to be undermined. 

OP, next year I think you need to offer to host and let the chips fall where they may.

The OP stated she *did* offer to host and was told it wasn't "good enough."  Based on that, Lita was rude.  If you make the plans, you follow through on them.

[snowdragon]

I think that Lita was rude for cancelling on you like she did. However, I am also seeing you as unreasonable -- and actually, downright judgmental. (Why did you mention that someone has a low-paying job and lives paycheck to paycheck? Why did you not arrange something for yourself pre-made you could take in that day and everyone else enjoy Chinese?) I am surprised she agreed to spend time away from traveling family in the first place too, that's important.

This is how I read it too.  The OP did a lot of asking/offering and determining only to be undermined. 

OP, next year I think you need to offer to host and let the chips fall where they may.

The OP stated she *did* offer to host and was told it wasn't "good enough."  Based on that, Lita was rude.  If you make the plans, you follow through on them.

This. I think Lita was rude several times over in all this.

[Shoo]

I think that Lita was rude for cancelling on you like she did. However, I am also seeing you as unreasonable -- and actually, downright judgmental. (Why did you mention that someone has a low-paying job and lives paycheck to paycheck? Why did you not arrange something for yourself pre-made you could take in that day and everyone else enjoy Chinese?) I am surprised she agreed to spend time away from traveling family in the first place too, that's important.

This is how I read it too.  The OP did a lot of asking/offering and determining only to be undermined. 

OP, next year I think you need to offer to host and let the chips fall where they may.

The OP stated she *did* offer to host and was told it wasn't "good enough."  Based on that, Lita was rude.  If you make the plans, you follow through on them.

This. I think Lita was rude several times over in all this.

It sounds to me like the OP's father is the one who decided that Lita would attend his family's Christmas Day thing.  Her father decided the Christmas Eve plans AND the Christmas Day plans, and it seems to me that Lita just went along to avoid rocking the boat.  She's being unfairly judged here, I think. 

[Iris]

Was it unreasonable to expect her to attend?  Or do out of town visiting children trump previous plans?

To answer your questions - No, it was not unreasonable to expect her to attend, and only in certain circumstances.

If Lita's children had turned up unexpectedly I would have thought it would be gracious to give her a pass for cancelling. However given that Lita knew they'd be coming I don't see why she should be absolved of rudeness for cancelling plans. It is entirely reasonable to prefer to spend time with her own children but she should have said that earlier and simply not accepted the invitation. The fact that posters on here would prefer to spend time with their children as well (as would I) does not mean the rules for rsvping to an event are magically changed.

For all practical purposes though, OP, I would let it slide but next time be more proactive about expressing your own desires. If you don't want Chinese food for Christmas, speak up.

[cicero]

I think that a lot of hurt feelings could have been avoided if people had spoken up.

Lita should have said "I'm sorry, I rarely have a chance to spend christmas with my kids so if you don't mind i'm going to opt out of the grandmother visit".

You (and others) should have said "chinese? for christmas? we'd really rather have XXX".

but nobody spoke up. which means you were all stuck with the original plans.

in *this* situation, Lita should have gone with you guys to grandma. I just think she should have opted out in the beginning.

(as for the chinese food thing - just wanted to clarify that this isn't a "rule" or a "commandment" as in "thou shalt eat Chinese food on December 25th, every year thou shalt follow this". it's just that at the beginning/middle of previous century, american Jews for the most part didn't celebrate christmas and neither did people from china, so chinese restaurants were open and non-celebrating people just migrated to them.)

and if you were *really* able to host comfortably, you should hav

Okay, now that's Christmas is over I've had a chance to think about the situation and I feel myself getting a bit upset/angry.  I thought I'd get outside perspectives from you folks.....

Background: My mother died several years ago and was the "glue" of the family and the great organizer of holidays.  Since then, I have tried to step in but things are always a bit chaotic although I think everyone is happy in the end.  My only sibling, Pablo and his wife Kristina do try to help but they both work full time at low wage jobs, live paycheck to paycheck and are a bit flaky when it comes to plans/organization. 

My dad has been dating a lovely woman, Lita, for over a year. She is also widowed. Lita has 3 adult sons, 2 of whom live 500 miles away and 1 who is married with a small toddler; they live on the other side of the country.  Last year Lita visited her children for Christmas so there were no issues (also she and my Dad had not been dating very long at that point).  I should note that although Lita has a fairly large house, she spends most of her time staying with my dad at his house.

This year, all of Lita's children and families came out to visit her, as well as her DIL's parents.  So the drama begins.....


We now have to plan something to include our family of 4, my bro's family of 3, my bro's ILs, my dad and my elderly grandmother who can't drive, as well as Lita's 2 single sons, her married son, DIL and child, and DIL's parents.   Unfortunately, "no one" is willing to step up and host the entire crew
(I say that in quotes because actually I did offer....but our house is the farthest distance, and on the small side-- we would have to do card tables around the living room to accommodate everyone....so not good enough apparently).

So my dad decided that he would celebrate Christmas eve with Lita and her family at her house, and then we would get together with him and Lita to celebrate Christmas day at my grandmother's.  My grandmother is 95 and this would be easier for her.  Lita suggested we get Chinese food already prepared and bring it so my grandmother does not have to do anything.  Apparently, this is what Jewish people do on Christmas (none of us are Jewish, but Lita's deceased husband was).  My dad thinks this is a wonderful idea.  I am not a fan of Chinese takeout on Christmas I admit, but I kept my mouth shut because I agreed it will be nice for my grandmother.

So...can anyone guess the ending?  Yes, the day before Christmas Eve, after Lita's family arrives, her children decide that they can't live without her on Christmas Day.  Nevermind that they are staying for a whole week.  They must see her on Christmas Day!  So Lita cancels on my family, and we get stuck with Chinese takeout.  When all is said and done, we arrived around 1:30pm and left around 5pm.  Surely Lita could have spent 4 hours away from her family?  My dad did seem a bit subdued--normally he is quite talkative and upbeat.

Was it unreasonable to expect her to attend?  Or do out of town visiting children trump previous plans?

[Hmmmmm]

I think that Lita was rude for cancelling on you like she did. However, I am also seeing you as unreasonable -- and actually, downright judgmental. (Why did you mention that someone has a low-paying job and lives paycheck to paycheck? Why did you not arrange something for yourself pre-made you could take in that day and everyone else enjoy Chinese?) I am surprised she agreed to spend time away from traveling family in the first place too, that's important.

This is how I read it too.  The OP did a lot of asking/offering and determining only to be undermined. 

OP, next year I think you need to offer to host and let the chips fall where they may.

The OP stated she *did* offer to host and was told it wasn't "good enough."  Based on that, Lita was rude.  If you make the plans, you follow through on them.

No where does it say that Lita was the one who thought the Ops home was too small or too far.  She clearly states that her dad was the one who decided he would spend Christmas Eve at his girlfriends with her family then have his family gathering on Christmas Day at the Grandmothers.  I feel that the girlfriend felt pressured to go along with his plans. 

The OP even mentions the couple spends most of their time at her Dads.  From my experience one person in a relationship usually insists that they are more comfortable at their home and that is where they end up most times.  I've never actually encountered anyone saying "let's spend all of our time at your house even though mine us bigger".

[Sharnita]

I agree that we don't know who said know to OP hosting.  However, I disagree that there is evidence that Lita was pressured to go along with anything.  She felt comfortable enough to make menu suggestions - that doesn't strike me as somebody giving into the will of others.

[buvezdevin]

I agree that we don't know who said know to OP hosting.  However, I disagree that there is evidence that Lita was pressured to go along with anything.  She felt comfortable enough to make menu suggestions - that doesn't strike me as somebody giving into the will of others.

It could if OP's dad had suggested to Lita that she cook the meal. 

[Hmmmmm]

I agree that we don't know who said know to OP hosting.  However, I disagree that there is evidence that Lita was pressured to go along with anything.  She felt comfortable enough to make menu suggestions - that doesn't strike me as somebody giving into the will of others.

I know I'm putting my own spin on this based on my experiences, but I think the dad could have been expecting Lita to cook for Christmas Day after hosting her family Christmas Eve.  I think thats the only reason that she came up with the idea.  Because no where did I hear the Dad suggesting how the family would be fed.

Dad:  so what will we have for Christmas Day?
Lita: well, we used to get Chinese take out.
Dad: sounds good, then no one will need to cook.



Dad:  OP offered to have everyone there but it's too small and to hard

[Sharnita]

And I still think it would have been more polite to say "Let's ask the kids". 

[Hmmmmm]

And I still think it would have been more polite to say "Let's ask the kids".

Exactly what Dad should have done.  Lita has never celebrated Christmas with the OPs family so has really little knowledge of their holiday customs.  This to me is all on the Dad and the kids not speaking up.

[Sharnita]

And I still think it would have been more polite to say "Let's ask the kids".

Exactly what Dad should have done.  Lita has never celebrated Christmas with the OPs family so has really little knowledge of their holiday customs.  This to me is all on the Dad and the kids not speaking up.

But Lita knows that she doesn't know the ropes, that is exactly why, if she sees herself as "just a guest" she shouldn't put herslef in the role of planner.  If Dad asks her all she needs to say is "I don't know what you usually do - discuss it with your family".  She is not only an adult, she has adult kids of her own.  She should be able to figure out whether her role is guest or co-host.

[onyonryngs]

And I still think it would have been more polite to say "Let's ask the kids".

Exactly what Dad should have done.  Lita has never celebrated Christmas with the OPs family so has really little knowledge of their holiday customs.  This to me is all on the Dad and the kids not speaking up.

But Lita knows that she doesn't know the ropes, that is exactly why, if she sees herself as "just a guest" she shouldn't put herslef in the role of planner.  If Dad asks her all she needs to say is "I don't know what you usually do - discuss it with your family".  She is not only an adult, she has adult kids of her own.  She should be able to figure out whether her role is guest or co-host.

She's his partner - if you can't even have a conversation about what to eat for Christmas dinner, that doesn't bode well for the relationship.  There's nothing wrong with discussing what you've normally had for Christmas dinner as a suggestion. 

[Winterlight]

The extra information doesn't matter to me -  Stepmother committed herself to being at a certain place at a certain time.  She then backed out.  That's on her.  It is in no way unreasonable to expect people to keep the plans they voluntarily made.

Agreed. She was rude. If she didn't want to attend Christmas Day at your grandmother's, she had time to say so in advance, rather than bailing two days out.

[Sharnita]

Not every dating relationship equates to partnership.  However, if they really are partners then there might be an expectation that he is present for part of her family's Christmas and she is present for part of his.