Change the Day of the Dinner.

[CrochetFanatic]

Okay...I'm back with another Uncle dilemma, so anyone who doesn't want to hear it is now informed. 

I've pulled back a lot from the relationship, but it seems that things are fine again between him and my brother, and my mother is okay with them for the most part.  I'll be civil, I have no problem with that, but I'll never get that close again, nor let them get that close to me; my parents and bro can do what they want.  Christmas dinner was nice at their house, and it was agreed that they would come over on Sunday to see our tree and have dinner with us here.  I didn't say a word, and my older little cousin was keeping me busy showing me what she had gotten for Christmas.  Everything was fine, and we went home.

Today, my uncle called and asked if my mom could change the day to the 27th (which he had originally asked for, but had agreed easily enough on Sunday instead).  There are many reasons why this would not be possible; my mom works today, and the day after tomorrow.  We haven't decided yet what we would make, so we haven't bought anything.  My mom had promised to visit with my grandmother at their house on the 27th, which my grandmother was very excited about.  We have a wedding shower on the 29th.  And (though I'm not about to tell them, it's not their business) I have a dentist appointment on the 27th, the only appointment I could get before they stop accepting my insurance at the end of the year, and I'll be too numbed up to talk or eat.  I can just hear the teasing now! 

So, it was a no for the 27th, and my uncle is throwing a fit.  He wants to visit with a friend of his, one whom he hasn't seen in a couple years, and he's trying to work around this friend's work schedule.  I don't know why, but apparently it has to be Sunday.  He hasn't seen this friend in a few years because he moved a good distance away.  Now his friend is back, so I don't see why he can't just meet with him another time.  This is one case where we just can't be flexible and juggle things around for him, like we've done in the past.  The final thing that my mother described to me as being "nervy" (and I agree) is that my uncle said, "Well, can't he just come over too?  And bring his girlfriend?" 

Maybe another time it would have been okay, but my parents wanted it to just be family.  And they would prefer to invite the guests themselves.

I'm staying out of it as much as possible, but I live here too, so it's pretty much unavoidable that we all get caught up in each other's problems.  Involved or not, I'll have to hear about it.  I see trouble on the horizon if my mother doesn't cave.  Anyone wonder why I've pulled back?  LOL

Is this a case where "That won't be possible" is the thing to say?  And are we rude for not accommodating my uncle who hasn't seen his friend in a couple years, or is he rude for trying to make us change our plans, some of which simply can't be changed?

[gorplady]

I'd say he is rude. And I think that a nice helping of "I'm afraid that won't be possible" should come from your mom.

[Hmmmmm]

It want rude for him to ask about a possible date change.  Your mother is fine to say "sorry, but Sunday is the only day we can have guests over.  If that doesn't work for you we can plan for after the holidays.". And everyone should just let it drop at that point.

[Winterlight]

"It's not possible" is fine. It doesn't work for you for a myriad of reasons, none of which are his concern. What he needs to know is that you are expecting him on Sunday. If he wants to cancel, that's on him. He does not get to determine the guest list, either.

[LeveeWoman]

I wonder if the jerk will show up with his friend and his friend's girlfriend.

[CrochetFanatic]

Thanks.  I do sort of feel bad that he'll have to choose, but I have no say in the matter and our tree won't stay green forever.

I guess one reason it sort of rubs me the wrong way that he gets away with this a lot (and that he'd even expect it) is because it wouldn't even occur to me to ask, and if I did ask I think I'd be denied.  I missed a few holidays because I had to work, and the date wasn't changed to accommodate me.  Nor did I expect it or ask for it.  It's just the way it was, and while I was disappointed to miss out I accepted it.  That's beside the point, I guess, and it's mostly speculation.  Hopefully things can be worked out without a fight.

I don't think he'll bring them against my mother's wishes, but if he does, we'd most likely put on our host hats and my mom would later have a huge argument over the phone or Facebook.  We have met his friend, and the friend is okay, but we don't know the girlfriend.  Also, it's the principal of the thing.  I'd never unexpectedly (or without permission) bring someone over to their house without their say-so, and it sort of boggles my mind when other people do that kind of thing.

[JenJay]

Is this dinner just for your family and Uncle's family? It sounds like he's being a real pain about it and, knowing him and his history, I imagine he'll whine all through dinner and basically ruin it if he does show without his friends. I think I'd just cancel. I'd say "You've made it clear that Sunday won't work for you, and there isn't another date within the next couple of weeks that works for us, so let's cancel and reschedule later." Then I wouldn't, but that's me. 

If there are other people coming I'd tell him, firmly, "We are not changing the date. If you can't make it we'll miss you understand."

[LeveeWoman]

Thanks. I do sort of feel bad that he'll have to choose, but I have no say in the matter and our tree won't stay green forever.

I guess one reason it sort of rubs me the wrong way that he gets away with this a lot (and that he'd even expect it) is because it wouldn't even occur to me to ask, and if I did ask I think I'd be denied.  I missed a few holidays because I had to work, and the date wasn't changed to accommodate me.  Nor did I expect it or ask for it.  It's just the way it was, and while I was disappointed to miss out I accepted it.  That's beside the point, I guess, and it's mostly speculation.  Hopefully things can be worked out without a fight.

I don't think he'll bring them against my mother's wishes, but if he does, we'd most likely put on our host hats and my mom would later have a huge argument over the phone or Facebook.  We have met his friend, and the friend is okay, but we don't know the girlfriend.  Also, it's the principal of the thing.  I'd never unexpectedly (or without permission) bring someone over to their house without their say-so, and it sort of boggles my mind when other people do that kind of thing.

Why feel bad? This guy is an obnoxious snowflake. I guarantee you he'd not feel bad if the shoe was on the other foot.

[CrochetFanatic]

Well, they're due here within the hour.  As far as I know, my uncle has dropped it.  On the day my mom talked to him, he sort of snapped back, "Fine, we'll work something out," and hung up without saying goodbye.  I took it to mean that he would try to set up a meeting with his friend for another time.  We haven't heard anything about him bringing any uninvited guests.  I'm hoping he doesn't start talking about how he wishes he could have brought them, because today has already been a busy day.  We were supposed to go to a wedding shower yesterday (my mom and I were, that is), but they moved it to today because of the snow we got.  We had to leave early, but at least we made it.  My dad wanted to do the cooking anyway because he likes showing off when he makes ham (there's a joke in there somewhere...), so he wasn't affected by the schedule change.

Ah well.  If it gets to be too much, I'll just excuse myself to my room and tell them I have to work on a couple projects for a family friend.  This isn't a lie, but I'm not on a time bind.  Uncle doesn't need to know that, though. 

[snappylt]

Well, they're due here within the hour.

{snip}

How did it go?

[CrochetFanatic]

It went surprisingly well, and oddly enough he's now annoyed with his friend.  Go figure.  I was busy trying to keep my little cousin amused (and distracting her from taking ornaments off the tree and getting into things), so I didn't have much contact with him.  All in all, I was worried for nothing.

[bopper]

Glad it went well...I was going to say you could have said "If you want to visit with your friend this year, we understand.  We will catch up another time."  Gives him an out and you don't have to deal with him!